As the adult child who lives in Mom's town with a brother and sisterfrom other states who make periodic short visits to see our Mom nearing the final dementia stage I experience a few days of inner turmoil after their visits. They make more intense visits to Mother than I make and do help me by being here every few months. But when they leave I question if I should go to see Mom in her facility more often though I know for my own well being it isn't possible-I go every 5-10 days and also handle finances and local needs. The social worker, nun, who counsels me tells me Mom doesn't track my visits and due to high BP I need to remember I am doing all I can and need to renew my own resources with exercise, garden visits, dates with my husband etc.,but how do some of you keep from waking in the early AM to think about this and comparing yourself to these out of town siblings.

Dear KAB: I am the eldest of seven. Don't take this the wrong way, but I think it's a variation on "sibling rivalry". We often think one of our sibs is doing "it" better than we, or is loved more by our parents than we are.

The issue is inside of you. I urge you to try to understand that and try to put those feelings on a back burner, since they cannot be excised--they are part of who we are.

It's so easy for visiting sibs to appear oh so nice to our AD LOs. When my sisters showed up with bunches of teddy bears and balloons and house coats, I felt I was terrible for not buying my Mom more stuff. But realistically speaking, I live with her 24/7!

My "gifts" to her are coordinating her meds, her care, and supervising her home attendants, checking her for sores and making sure she eats and sleeps well.

Mom does not remember who gave her which teddy bear, or what it says on tthe balloons. She also does not remember that I am her caregiver. She doesn't care. She is sick.

Because of caring for her, and my mean stepfather who has vascular dementia, I have not taken care of myself the way I should and now have a bunch of little ailments, and not so little, that are wearing me down.

The social worker and nun who counsel you are correct that you should take care of yourself. Visiting every ten days is just fine, if you feel comfortable with your mother's care at the facility.

When we are down and blue, everyone else seems to be a better person than we are. That is a lie we tell ourselves.

You are a wonderful, dutiful daughter who can best serve her mother by taking care of herself FIRST.

I wish you peace. Keep coming back!