If my dear Mom should have to go to a N/H, should I put her at the same one as her brother, (she never liked it there) he is in a lock down unit....for Alz.....since 2005, when we first visited him.....she said to me...if you ever put me anywhere like this....shoot me. I am fighting to keep her here, however today I went out for an hr. and a half......got back, she went BOLISTIC.....also tearing into my hubby about conspiring against her, she is the worst yet....walking around the house with her purse, its tearing me up......she calls me names, hit me on the hand.....we're just leaving her alone.....but what next? I would rather (if I have to) put her in a N/H near me, so I can see her each day.......thx for listening........ZOEY

I am in Harford County and have been looking for a place for my dad. I have found a big difference in places, so if I were you, I would check out the ones near you and then compare to the one where her brother is.

What facility is he in? What area do you live in? Maybe I can give you some tips on some in the area, or we could help each other.

It is such a tough thing to place them. It breaks my heart. But I know it will get to the point very soon where my mom just won't be able to handle my dad.

Good luck with your search.

Find the best ALZ NH available (that isn't so far that your life will be hijacked) and have her there. If relatives still visit her brother, then maybe move him to wherever you find for her..

Dont think of it as "locked down unit," think of it as a secure unit--where she will be safe from wandering off.

It's long overdue time for the nursing home, Zoey. You can't take this much longer. Go for it. It'll be good for your mother, and for you. Get your needed rest. Your breaks. And visit when you are rested and can handle it. --Jim

Sue, Im in Timonium, Md......and Jim, its my Mom, Im really having trouble.....what if she literally goes kicking and screaming, thats what she is doing here at home.....and her heart, what a mess......ZOEY

I mean honestly.......do you say, Oh, were going to visit a friend.......oops....forgot to tell you....you're staying.....I need real help, please ? ? Brightwings....how do you find the best ALZ n/h?? ?? ?? Also....why do I have to take her to e/r before they move her to Phyc. facility.....thats rediculous.....

Zoey,
You will never be able to convince Mom to go. That is obvious to me.

You stated that in MD, you have to do the ER first. Well, perhaps, during her next "episode", you should call 911, and have her taken in. She needs medical intervention, which I know that you know, and they are the ones who need to do it. It doesn't sound to me, like you and hubby would be able to handle it.

Zoey,,,you should really call and speak to your Mom's Dr first,,to see if what medications can be tried to help alleviate some of her behavior.

But I can tell you straight,,,she was scared when you and your husband left her totally alone,,thus the anger and accusations. You can't leave her alone anymore ,,not even for an hour.

And another thing about NH's,,,if your Mom has Medicare,,she will have to do the spend down to qualify for "Medicade". Medicare "does not" pay for NH care. And I'll gaurantee you once you place your Mother into a NH,,,they will drug her up so she is almost comatose,,sadly to say.

I dont'know what type of finances your Mom has,,but a ALF with a dementia unit would be better.

Please make sure that you really check out all of your options and all facilities before making any decisions of placement.

Also,,if you would like to keep your Mom home,,call your local Senior Resources to get someone to come over,,evaluate her needs,,which you can also give your input at that time,,or speak to them before they even come to the house,,and then you can get some respite care in your home for someone to sit with your Mom,,so you and your hubby can go out for a few hours now and then.

Whatever choice you make,,do it with full knowledge that your Mother will gently and tenderly be cared for with alot of dignity and compassion. I wish you well in this tough time. Peace

I hope my short story might be of some help or comfort to you.... It has been 18 days since my mom was placed in a Nursing Home. My hubs and I have been her full time caregivers for the last 4 years. He is such a saint to have taken this on.. as well as to watch me age and crumble right in front of him through this time frame.
I am sure when we said our I Do's 20 + years ago he never thought he would see me like this and our marriage be put in such turmoil.

My mom is not as vocal as your mom or has the same tendencies....BUT everything you are going through I went through.. The guilt, the anger, the frustration. ALL OF IT.
So Please hear my heart on this.. WE will always be our Moms caregiver.. no matter where they physically live. I am still her caregiver advocate while she resides in a NH.

So here is what I found:
In these last 18 days I have found that my relationship is more of a loving one now vs the daily heartache and despise I felt for her while she lived with us. On her last day before her fall I was screaming at her.. Now in the nursing home we share kisses back and forth, hold each others hand, I comfort her and help calm her down.
Now when she lived here (these last few months) I never had this type of time or this type of relationship with her. I am not saying you will... but you will be less stressed and your mom will get 24/7 care. You will be a better daughter this way when she is not living with you. Your relationship with your husband will grow. You will rediscover each other again. You will gain your health back and have more energy to give to her.

There is no shame in placing her in a NH. YOU ARE STILL THE CAREGIVER AND HAVE YOUR MOMS BEST INTEREST AT HEART. I cannot tell you how many nights I cried myself to sleep over this decision.. somehow feeling that I was doing something wrong.. not abiding by her wishes.. but I now know deep in my heart that her wishes would never have been to place such a heavy burden on us when her needs became so much more than we could deal with. She needed 24/7 care.. I can't be all 3 shifts of a nursing home..Neither can you. I say find a good place near you.. so you can see her often. The right fit for you is important now.

It is time Zoey to let go.. Really you need to do this for her.. and for yourself.

My heart breaks for you in this time of need. I pray you find a conclusion and peace to your heartache.

Zoey--To find best NH for ALZ (for your mother)-- call Alz society, visit them, talk to families there, talk to the coordinators or head nurses, trust your gut. None will be the way you wish the world was, but get a sense of which --among the available choices--seem best for her and you.

Medicare doesn't pay for home care but your state may have homecare available at reduced rates through your state's Office of Elder Affairs. The cost will depend on your mother's income (but not include her assets like owning a home.)..

Your mother sounds too combative for an Alz ALF.(Though do visit them also=-perhaps one would work-- after her doctor gets the meds adjusted.)

And she shouldn't be left alone any more... which means you need to make plans for the next stage ...with your health and needs as a crucial part of the planning.

Zoey

If mom never liked where her brother is and there's a place close to you so you can visit I'd vote for that....you want a place where you can easily visit, and if for some reason your mom or her brother ever want to see one another, you can drive her to visit him. That's my two cents....
Suiz

It'd be nice, Zoey, if in Maryland they had behavior modification programs similar to those in Minnesota. An attempt is made to bring the behavior under control, one way or another. Preferably without over-medicating. There are many ways to do that. The programs last for up to 30 days. And Medicare covers the cost. After the 30 days, you consult with the staff and together you try to decide what's best for the patient. Maybe going home again. Maybe going into a nursing home. Many nursing homes in Minnesota send some of their worst cases into these programs, or they insist on completion of the program before admission to the nursing home. You might inquire to see if such programs are offered in your area. Usually, they are offered through a hospital. --Jim

Zoey, I will tell you putting Mom (92)about stage 5-6 in the alz unit was the hardest thing we ever had to do..You know when you have tried everything else that this is the only other thing to do. You do it. Mom was in her home for over 50 years. Since my dad died 15 years ago my nephew and wife stayed with her at night and one of us (her daughters) stayed during the day. Things changed and this was the only other thing we knew to do.. The thing we wanted never to do.

I can remember when I was younger my Grandmother came to live with us my Mother swore she would never put her mother in a home because she didnt want to go. Mom and dad had finally decided they needed to. The NH was booked and the weekend they had a vacancy she passed away.

Anyway getting back to Mom that always stuck in our minds knowing how Mom tried for so long.. We felt we had done everything we could do.. We prayed alot!!! Felt it was time.. We went to several NH and Alz unit. Decided we wanted to go to an alz unit. We asked all the questions that we could. We have talked to her dr and he said just make sure you "visit her often".(since then that is the comment I hear the most) We wanted somewhere that would stimulate her and make her happy. Now we just want her content. Finally after a few months she seems that way most of the time. She has her bedroom furniture a nice courtyard to walk around in. We are fortunate enough that someone goes everyday. We dont stay long when we go.I am not employed now so I visit her during the workweek . they have bingo and exercise so I try to get her to those. The 1st month was the hardest. Im not saying its perfect or easy to leave (cause no one can love your Mom like you) but to see that smile on her face is priceless!!!!

We told her the dr wanted her to stay there for awhile til she is better..Believe me it wasn't easy but now it is getting better.. We also felt that this didnt have to be pernmanent if we didnt like it.. but be careful. we thought about taking her out at first but said then what are we going to do? is this going to be worst on her? I glad we gave it a chance to work. Some people say it take s a lot longer.
Hopes this helps...

Ya know... Raven is so right. Your mom was scared when you left and her way of showing this was her anger. She needs reassurance from you and your husband. She's watching the "normal" world and yet she probably feels like a stranger in her own mind... not understanding the changes that are going on (but then, do ANY of us really? ), and she's scared.

My recommendation would be to get with her neurologist and see if he can help her regain a sense of comfort. My main fear is that if her behavior is even a bit "out of control" when she's placed, that they WILL over medicate her without really looking for a good "balance". I hate to say it, but my guess is that all they will want is to have her more manageable. So no matter what you end up doing, please see if you can help her find some balance before you make any changes.

The problem is there are no dr's anymore....she stopped ALL meds in Nov....including heart, dr's here will not give out prescriptions if the patient does not show up......I did go once without her but he (Dr) said.....this was last time he could write prescription......I FEEL FINE, I DON'T NEED ANY MEDICINE"......she said back in Nov.....you can't force them......today, I walked in living room....she was looking at bank letter or something......she screamed at me to leave.... then swiped at me, her nail was sharp, bled for 20 mins.......I might as well be a stranger, she is definately going into another stage. I just didn't know this anger/rage was a part of it.....thx for feedback.......Z

pls. forgive but what is ALF ???

Assisted Living Facility

Zoey,

This med thing is really important to address. Mom kept forgetting, then we went to the bubble pack, still no good. Sent people to give her her meds, she turned them away or locked them out. Some of the meds had a definite impact on her behavior, but since she was 2.5 hours away, I could not be there 24/7 to make sure she took her meds. It was heartbreaking as I know that on top of being somewhat aware that she "was in trouble" mentally, she had to feel horrible physically.

Finally got a court order to permit me to have caregivers hide her meds in her food, or whatever, to make sure she gets them. She is more compliant now, but still a challenge.

You need to find a doc who will work with you. I cannot imagine a responsible health care professional taking the word of an alzheimers patient.

I dunno, ZOEY M. I don't think an assisted living is going to take her if she isn't cooperative. Is it possible to find a visiting doctor or trick her into accompanying you to the doctor's?

If she's not cooperative, you may have to gain guardianship to move her anywhere if she doesn't want to go.

Zoey,
Have you ever looked into getting a doctor to come to the house?
American Academy of Home Care Physicians:
http://www.aahcp.org/physicianreferral.shtml#MD

Physician's House Calls(serving central Maryland)
http://www.physicianshousecalls.com/

SOMEHOW, she needs to be under a doctor's care.
I don't see how you will be able to go forward with anything until she is.

Thx. friends......for your support....