My anger. Two mornings in a row I have completely lost my temper with my wife who love beyond everything. I have trouble getting her dressed and we both get frustrated. Then trying to get her to swallow her pills degenerates into me yelling out of frustration. Then when I yell she goes into a rage. I loose all because of my frustration and nt knowing what to do.

I am so lost now. Nothing I do is right. Everything gets an opposite reactions to what we need.

I have only been doing this care for almost 5 years. Not long in reality. Why have I lost all my patience. It is not fair to my wife.

I hate this crap so bad

Roger you are not alone in this as hard as we try not to get angry at times it just comes out. Nobody is perfect we are after all human with all sorts of emotions. You don't think it is long to take care of someone for 5 yrs. ? I commend you for caring for your wife for so long. You are a caring husband. I have only had mom for 7 months and sometimes I get upset with her and she can still dress herself. I cannot get it in my head that she does not comprehend at times and I so desperately try to hold on to thinking she is the same person she was. I get caught up in arguing for the stupidest things thinking she can see things the way I do. SO don't beat yourself up for getting angry. The last time I felt upset with mom and I knew trying to get her to understand was not working I just walked out of the room and went to my room for a while so as not to upset her. It worked! I hope you have some kind of help as it is too much for one person to take the sole responsibility of taking care of a loved one. I just wish they would find a cure for this horrible disease so other people don't have to go through this. It scares me to think that I could possibly get this disease too and I don't want anyone to have to care for me.

First, you have a long history together, and now whatever that was, isn't any more. Get someone into the house to help you. Period. There are agencies who come twice a day. If you're financial resources are limited, look for a local day care and tell her she's going. That would give you a break. No longer ask her anything, tell her. If she refuses to take medications, you can leave that to the visiting helpers if they come twice a day. If that is not an option, tell her you'll place her if she refuses to take medications, try hiding them in food (ice cream always works). Learn to love lie. If this becomes overwhelming, look for a placement. Better or worse does not mean abuse. Placing a loved one is sometimes the most loving thing you can do. Sainthood is not expected no matter how much you love them. The past will now be a memory for you. She has forgotten, and that hurts. Get into a support group. Don't be alone. Many churches offer AZ support, as do the AZ Assoc. Find a local chapter.

You are not alone. God bless you and may he give you Grace.

Sounds like you need a break. Everyone gets angry and comes to a point of "what the heck am I doing" I have learned to redirect a lot. Imagine a kid with ADD you always have to redirect him/her and reinvent ways to get things done. I make a game out of getting Gram dressed. Luckily she still does it but at a snail's pace. Crushing pills into yogurt works. Or into pudding,etc... Everyone needs a place to vent, needs a place to get away. Do not feel guilty for the way you feel, it's not your fault and you're doing the best that you can. How about having someone come in 1 or 2 times a week for a few hours just so you can recoup yourself, go for a walk, go see a movie, go out to eat, drive down to the beach-or just sit in the yard reading a book-just something to refresh yourself. Even care givers get time off. They don't work 24/7, so why is it so hard for us to take time off??? We deserve it too and it makes us a better person. Anger is the first emotion that takes over when we get frustrated. Primal. It's how we are wired. It's also the one emotion that is the hardest to contain to a safe level. You just have to breathe...

Hi Roger

I can relate to your anger.. First off it is normal.. Yes the yelling and loosing your temper.. It is normal! It is cause we are in the now and they are not.. and we forget that fact.. we say to ourselves ..WHY CAN'T THEY GET IT? But there mind works so slowly.. what we say.. it takes so long for them to process that thought and then react. I did it too with my mom and felt awful afterwards.

AS Far as the dressing.. I came to the conclusion.. that what my mom wore that day she slept in. I kept her in sweats.. and she was fine with it. I just said.. hey we are on vacation so lets sit around in our sweats and relax mom.. She believed me.

Pills.. well you can do what was done to me as a kid.. Crush them and put them in Honey and spoon them in the mouth.. Or put in Jam. either way it taste good and it gets the job done.

The best advice.. Remember to breath.. I know .. it is hard.. but sometimes you have to exhale and walk away then come back to it.

I applaud you for your last 5 years.. I had mom full time for 4.. and now after her fall she is better served by being in a NH where she will receive 24/7 care vs living with me again.

Big Hug Roger.. See you in the chat room..

Roger:

Only five years? My gosh, it's an intensive five years, five years is a long time to deal with this. Don't beat yourself up for that. I took care of my dad for a week straight, and I can tell you I was ready to sleep for about a month after that.

You are tired, stressed, burned out, frustrated, scared and I'm sure feeling a whole host of things.

Is there anyone who can help you now with your wife? Maybe it's time to have some outside help come in for a few hours each day so you can get a breather. No one can go very long without a break. It's hard to be endlessly patient, if there is such a thing, when you are tired.

If you can find a way to get some assistance, I think it would be so beneficial to both of you. You've done a remarkable job with your wife and your dedication to her is wonderful. My personal opinion is that as things progress, it becomes impossible to take care of our loved ones all on our own, and getting additional help is the next step to providing the continuity of good care.

Roger,

first I'd say you need to distance yourself from this just briefly. Find out if you can conceal meds in a food she likes, or get some in liquid form, and be a bit flexible in the timing of her meds (unless contraindicated.....talk to pharmacist or MD) so there is not one overwhelming pill taking "event."
As far as dressing, since we are now in summer, can you consider some very basic clothing that is minimal pieces, minimal buttons, or zippers. My Mom used to wear what she always called "shifts" or "mu-mu's" in the summer. A one piece, light weight dress that goes on over the head.
I don't know your situation, but perhaps you can recharge, and suppress the frustration by considering a morning or two that an aide comes in for just a couple hours. In the morning to handle the dressing, eating, and pill taking. Just a couple breaks like that, here and there, might make a huge difference.

You can't do it all by yourself, Roger. You have to learn to recognzie that. It took me a while. I didn't really master it until I became an 8-10 hour a day care-giver. That allowed me to get daily respite. When I was 24/7, I lost it from time to time. Because I was exhausted. Stretched thin. Without respite. I think it's impossible to be a 24/7 care-giver over a sustained period of time. Eventually, you get worn down. It's far too gruelling for us mortals. We don't do our patients any favors by going 24/7. We actually may be doing them grievous harm. That's my opinion. I didn't master the situation until Jeanne went into a nursing home. I showed up daily. For 38 months. Didn't miss a single day. But I went home at 10 in the evening and didn't get back to the nursing home until mid-morning the next day. But I was rested. I think in those 38 months I didn't get angry. Not even once. Yes, what a difference respite makes. For the care-giver. For the patient. Take control, Roger. And you'll see the anger subside. --Jim

Roger,

Bless you....I wish there was something I could do that would take your pain away.

Anger is part of the life we all live now.....it's from frustration, no rest, no help, just day after day after day. Yes, I did get angry with my mom from time to time, raised my voice and I did feel guilty. But we got thru it.

I know how much you love your wife; and how much this is eating at you. But Roger, you do need to take care of yourself. Who is going to take care of her if you are unable? I agree with some of the others that it may be time to have someone come in to help you. Five years is a long time to do this on your own my friend....there is no shame in accepting help.

Susan

Roger,
I agree with trying to get some help in the house for your most difficult tasks. Then, you may be able to spend more QUALITY time with your Wife, as her Husband, not constant caretaker.

Nursing home, NO, but you do need help.

Hi Roger,
This is my 5th year too and I find myself hitting the wall, then beating myself up about it. But thanks to my friends here on this forum, I know...truly know...that I'm just a normal, loving, caring human dealing with an untenable situation.

I think you nailed it clearly when you said "Everything gets an opposite reaction to what we need." And the killer frustrating part about that is in spite of having a host of techniques that we can try--not one thing always works at any given time. So you're always 'on' and that's exhausting.

I can only add my vote to getting real tangible help--either in the home or out of the home--and allowing yourself a chance to get a break. If your 'patience' well is dry, then you've got to take some time to let it refil.

Sending you lots of hugs and strength...and admiration for what you do.

Hang in there my friend. You are doing the best that you can and you know it. I hope you find stenght and support here among your friends.

Roger, we all know that you are loving and giving husband. Anyone who caes for an AD patient has been through this stage. AS one of the entries said, step back. See if you can get someone to come in a care for you wife while you take a few days off. The arguing and frustration will only make you more stressed and make you wife more miserable.

I have found that when mon gets this way, I will just walk into the other room (I can see her from there) and I just do something. She finally calms down and never realizes what she has done.

My friend, 5 years with AD can be like dog years. Don't beat yourself up. You need a break. I had to arrange respite care several times before I had to place my LO with AD in LTC. Organize some respite. I think you need some time away my friend - time to sleep, to get up, and just sit and ponder, to rest and maybe, just maybe, do something you like for an hour or two or ten, uninterrupted!!!

When my Mom was finally placed in LTC, I found that is when I had a much better relationship with her. We got to ENJOY each other again. For us is was 100% the right move. Not perfect but right. Not trying to sway you either way here, just letting you know what worked for us.

Get some rest though - you need an extended time of rest just to get squared away again.

Roger,

I had a real problem asking for help. I wondering if you do too.

I am going to tell you this and you listen to me.
ASK FOR HELP.

Find out where and how you can get it.

I will also tell you this.
Once I humbled myself and asked my life is so much better. The time off I now have has improved my whole quality of life.

Roger,,I hear what your'e saying,,and I understand,,as many others here also understand. First and foremost my dear friend,,stop beating yourself up for being human,,and feeling frustrated, we've all been there.

I want you to contact your local Senior Rescources or Council on Aging,,and get someone to come into the home to give you a hand with your wife,,,and also give you a break.

Sad as this damned illness is,,,its a progressive illness that shows no mercy to the afflicted person,,,nor to their beloved caregiver.

You need to get some in home help,,,and try to see if that can alleviate some of the problems,,,and if not,,then its just possible that your wife is progressing to the point with her AD,,that she may need round the clock care in a facility.

I know this breaks your heart,,but for many,,that is truly the only option left,,and also the best option for the LO and the caregiver. You need to discuss this with the Dr.

YOu also know that you must take care of "YOU". And also ,,if your wife had to be placed,,,you are not abandoning her,,,you are moving into a new role from 24/7 caregiver,,to 24/7 caregiver advocate. New game,,new rules.

For many of us caregivers,,we are often times way too close to the situation to see things clearly,,so we come here,,vent,,cry,,,ask what others think and recommend.

So my friend,,,I recommend that you get more help in the home with your wife,,and you get out of there while the help is there,,so that you can relax and have some down time. If things don't get better,,or you are still getting angry,,,you need to re-think your game plan.

Take it one day at a time,,and keep us posted about things. Hugs across the miles from me to you. Peace

Hi Roger,
Boy do I know how you feel. I have been the sole caregiver to my mom since 2003. I work fulltime (she's in daycare while I'm at work) I still find myself getting irritated with her and arguing. After all this time I still think ( or hope, is more like it) that I can talk some sense into her and that she'll just get it ( and I think she's delusional!!). Of course she doesn't and I always feel bad about yelling or arguing with her. But know what, she doesn't remember our arguments so it really doesn't matter. It used to take forver to give her meds, until I finally realized she couldn't remember how to take them. Now I put them in her hand and cue her to put them in her mouth, then drink and swallow, goes much smoother. Same with dressing, "put your feet in here, your arm in there" and show her how. I know what you mean though, I usually have to get up 3 hours before I have to go to work in order to have her washed, dressed and fed in time. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever been through, that's probably how you feel too, so give yourself a break. Also, if she absolutely won't take her meds somedays, so what, it's not the end of the world, so she misses a dose, it's no big deal...took me a while to figure that out too. Good luck to you. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Camille

Thanks everyone,

Her daugter and I are coming to the conclusion that a NH would be best. I have two in mind and one especially since it is across the street from where we live. Not real happy with it but I will be able to pop in anytime I want and make sure all is well with her. Another one is 2 miles away at the most. In fact there are about 4 places within a 3 mile radius of out home.

Just picking the right one and getting every thing done to get her admitted. Going to start on that this week.

Again, thanks everyone. Still fighting my temper. I know it is not my darling wife but the damnable disease. So frustrating when all you are doing is trying to help the one you love.

roger its ok to get angry sometimes. you let off steam. i too have yelled at my husband who has altzheimers mostly due to lack of sleep. i feel bad for doing it. i love my husband as you do your wife. i think part of it is that we have a hard time accepting the fact that we are osing our loved ones.i pray everyday to ask the lord to p-lease give me more patience and understanding

Roger, this has undoubtedly been a very difficult decision for you. For what it's worth, I think you're absolutely doing the right thing.
*huggggs*

Roger,

I have to agree with everything that's been said here. You have done a phenomenal job over a long period of time for someone whom you love deeply. Don't beat yourself up.

And I also agree with Ruthie - for all concerned, considering a move to NH is probably the best idea. You will find yourself every bit as huge an advocate for your wife as you've been the past few years - maybe moreso. Because you'll have to keep after the NH to make sure she gets the absolute best care possible - if it's like us, that's at least once a week! (That's where a lot of my steam gets blown, when I need to "remind them" to give exMIL no less than we expect.)

Roger
So sorry you are having to make this decision . It's one of the hardest things you will have to do but I know its the right thing . I'm sure you are doing it out of love for your dear wife. You have done every thing you can . Stop beating yourself up and do it . I always say "you can only do what you can do " . Guilt does no one any good as you know . I will be thinking of you and hope all goes well in this transition .

Since you have several places nearby, I would suggest visiting each at different times of day if possible. Check out meal time, and earlier in the morning. See which one meets her schedule best. For my DF, we are looking for one that is not as restricted with time getting up in the morning. He is not an early riser, and that would be a problem. He is also a picky eater, so we are looking for one with more flexibility for meals he likes.

Good luck. I know you are looking out for her interest as well as yours.

I need help every day. Learning to ask for help is my first step. When I begin to think I've done everything wrong, and I share with others, my load becomes lighter, and I find the courage to take the next step. Thanks for your courage to share your difficult emotions. Peace.