I finally placed both of my parents with dementia in a continuing care facility. Great. What do I do NOW? I am struggling with what to do now that my goal of help has been accomplished. I know it sounds crazy, but "getting back" to normal life like everyone tells me to do just is not cutting it for me. I still need to care for and visit my loved ones. I just do not know where to start to find a new goal or objective and how to schedule my visits. I guess I feel guilty, depressed,I don't know. The relief that I thought I should have felt did not come. Is there something wrong with me. Help!!!!

A.D. my husband of 59 years has been in the NH since June 1st last year. Honestly, I still feel at odds with myself. The only place I want to be is there with him. Healthy outlook? I cannot say it is not. For the last 20 years, he has been at home with me. I no longer want to play bridge, belong to a garden club or extension homemakers or PTA or any of those things I once did. If Ed had died, I would have gone on with my life as a single woman, but he is alive. No, he is not the man I married but I am no longer the same girl.

For this stage in my life, I think I have to feel my way around this journey and just do what feels right each day.

You please yourself and do what feels right for you. It may take a while for you to figure out what that is. God bless. Nancy B.

Take one day at a time. Everyone told me to get on with my life, but no one told me how. One of my friends told me that I didn't have to make any plans, just take one day at a time. That is what I am doing now.

Ok AD, deep breath. Take some time to mentally catch your breath.
My sweet Mamaw was placed in August 08 and it took months for both of us to settle in. There is a great feeling of dispalcement when the 24/7 caregiving ends. Everything gets better with time.
Visit your parents as much or as little as you feel that you should. The schedule will take care of itself eventually.
Do you have a counselor or friend to talk to ? We chat on this forum every eveing started about 7PM EST. I have found it to be so helpful. Your feelings are all very normal if that makes you feel better.
Unfortunately alot of us here know EXACTLY how you are feeling.
Will be praying for you.
Peace,
Dani

I'm not in that position as of yet. I have thought many times though "what do you do when its over?". All that time you spend caring for your loved one and then all of a sudden theres nothing. I can imagine that its hard and I dont know how I'll handle that. I wish you the best of luck with moving forward. God bless you.

Sandy

Dear A.D.,
Start by breathing in and out slowly. Getting some well deserved rest. Perhaps call and make an appointment with your local Alz. Assn. They have counselors there for patients and families. It's free! They really helped my daughter and I sort things out! Call a friend and go for coffee or even for lunch. Take a long soak in the tub.

Take care of yourself one day at a time!

Peace and Hope,

Dear Friend,,,"TIME" is what you need. What ever made you think that once you placed your parents,,,that you would know what to do with "YOU" ??

No,,it took time for your to care for your parents and all of their needs and requirments,,,it took time for you to lose you in the time that you gave to them.

Whatever made you think that once they were placed that you would run out,,get a job,,,get a life,,feel great,,fall right back into the swing of things????

"TIME" my friend,,,all good things in time. Time to adjust to new things. Of course ,,you will have to make a concerted effort on your part,,,but just enjoy the newness of being able to sleep without having to get up ,,,or to clean something,,and it will stay that way.

You can even sleep in,,have a phone conversation that can actually be pleasant and last more than 2 minutes.

Call on some of your old friends,,,go out and get your hair restyled,,get some new clothes,,,buy some favorite music cd's,,,go out to dinner,,,or make dinner at home and have what "YOU" want to have.

"YOU" now have a bit of your life back,,and of course you can and do still see to your parents and their needs. You have went from caregiver to caregiver advocate. The specialness in that is,,,you can give of yourself and over see your folks..but you also can leave and be assured that they are well provided for,,and you can now have time for you.

Take up a hobby,,go for walks in the park or down a country road,,,read a book you never had time for before. But,,live,,enjoy your life.

Recapture a bit of you ,,,the you that sat on the backburner for so long....you're still there waiting.

Wishing you a wonderful time in your new found happiness. Peace

Raven is right---you have gone from caregiver to advocate and that is a new role for you...believe me -being their advocate is a job in of itself...as the disease progresses, you will needed more and more..when my mom went to assisted living it was great for her to have some freedom, make new friends and be safe...I visited her 2-3 times a week and made sure she had what she needed. We were able to go out for lunch, get her hair done once a week and shop....that lasted about a year...She rapidly declined and moved to the alz. lock down unit in the same facility..She has been there one year and is now in hospice care for the last 10 mos. stage 7...I go daily now to ck. on her, do her laundry which has increased dramatically and get her meds that hospice doesn't provide... I am now dealing with constant decisions about her care--dealing with the doctor and the hospice team...things are now at the point that I feel like I am in a whirlwind some days...In the back of my mind I knew that one day I would be needing to go more often and make a lot of decisions that my heart didn't want to make.
That day came much sooner than I thought...
Prepare yourself now while your parents are in the assisted living area and they are able to still talk to you and know who you are, etc....you will need all that stored up rest in the future care of them....
I am depending on God daily and He provides my strength and comfort..... Blessings to you...

A.D.
nothing is wrong w/ you. I went (am still going)
through the same thing. My Dad's been in a NH
since January. I know how you feel. And what the
others have said is right: this will take time.
And, now that your role has changed from full-time
caregiver to advocate, there WILL still be much
to oversee and do. And, you WILL slowly begin to
appreciate your time to yourself. I think the guilt
we feel over placing our loved ones interferes w/
our being able to feel positive emotions at first.
This will pass!! Don't require MUCH of yourself right
now; give yourself time to "do nothing" if you wish.
This can be an emotional time; I've felt many different
emotions over these months, and there are times where
I've felt "numb." Take it easy, and DO only take one
day at a time. Don't put a time limit on yoursels as
far as when you will feel "better." The adjustment time
is different for everyone; its so hard, because I didn't
expect THIS side of things, and you didn't either. Its
OK, you're going thru what most people do in this situation.
Keep coming back here, and talk about your feelings as much
as possible, to us, friends, support group, whomever. Take care.

Thank you everyone. You all are so understanding. I appreciate it. You have helped me greatly and given me the encouragement that I have needed.Take care and God bless.