Hello - I just found this site today while "surfing" the net looking for information on AD, I've read all I can get my hands on but my situation is a little different. My Mother is the LO w/AD but she is also a spastic-paraplegic and unable to get around without her wheelchair. I had been the caregiver to my Dad (until his death of cancer in Jan. '04) and my Mother since May of 2000. I have also been caregiver to my husband of 32yrs, who has Crohns' Disease, for the past 16 yrs. When my Dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2000, the doctors said 6-9mths and there was no way he could continue to care for my Mother so my husband and I left our careers, our two grown children and our lives behind in Boston to return home and live w/care for them. Mother did fairly well until Dad's passing but has deteriorated considerably since then. She seems to have decline quickly the past 6mths or so. She is head strong, not a very loving person(throw back to her childhood) and refuses to co-operate with anything from eating, to bathing, to taking her medications, refusing to see her doctor, etc. It is all always a battle w/her sharp tongue and "sailor's mouth" directed squarely at me. I rec. no help from my siblings as they say they can't stand to be around her. How do you reason with someone who can't seem to reason? I have so many questions and no answers! I haven't found anyone who can help me figure out what to do, I love my Mother but after 7yrs I am ready to call it quits! But then I think, I promised Dad I'ld care for her and if I don't who will? Any thoughts or suggestions will be so appreciated! Thank you.

Dear Jackie Blue: Wow. You certainly have more on your plate than the average bear.

My mother has dementia and is wheelchair bound and incontinent. She also has an ugly, verbally abusive mouth and is relentless in her scathing dislike of me.

I do not have Mother in my home. She lives in her small place with a 24 hour aide. There is NO way I could manage her psychological dysfunction and constant agitation and shouting. We are fortunate. Mom has enough funds for just two years of at home care.

Mom is close to the line for placement. When she runs out of funds that is what will happen. When placed, one can visit as frequently and for as long as one wishes and still go home and get some rest. Even with placement, there is so much management that needs to be done for our parents.

Last year, my mother was in SNF for five months. She was much calmer there. She did not feel she had to be "into" everything in her environment. She liked the scheduled routine and activities. She was even "mostly" much nicer for me to be around. Though she had her moments, she was not constantly furious with me.

I do not think that placing Mother who is in an untenable situation making life miserable for all those around her is "calling it quits". And, yes, you promised Dad you'd care for her. Proper care in the most appropriate setting IS caring for her.

Take your cues from not only your siblings, but from your own stress and exhaustion and your Mother's deteriorated behaviors. I think you will find your answers there. Give yourself permission to do the appropriate thing that you really know is what is in all probability now necessary. You are a good and loving daughter, and will continue to be one; you will just be one who is a bit more rested!

God bless, and take care of yourself. Let us know what you decide. We care.

"I do not think that placing Mother who is in an untenable situation making life miserable for all those around her is "calling it quits". And, yes, you promised Dad you'd care for her. Proper care in the most appropriate setting IS caring for her"

Johanna, I totally agree with this statement. Whether you care for your loved one at home or place them, the important thing is to be the best caregiver/advocate for them you can be. Not every situation is the same, so we each have to decide what is best.