Hello everyone, I'm in a bit of a quandry lately...I suppose it's not a huge problem but I'm just feeling bogged down and am bad at making decisions. I just keep going round and round in my head.

I usually go to see MIL two days a week. Over the past 2-3 months she has gotten worse memory-wise and now has almost no recollection of daily events, which means she is losing her wallet almost daily instead of once or twice a month. I guess it's typical of the disease that she moves everything around from drawer to drawer, puts things in paper wrappers, bags, under the bed etc. However, she has come to associate these things disappearing with my visits because I'm the one who looks for things and finds them. However, once I've found her earrings and wallet again, not an hour goes by before she is telling everyone within earshot that I took them.

Now she calls me just to yell 'Thief!' and hang up, maybe 4-5 times a day. However, she is pleasant to me most times in person. If on occasion she blows up for some imagined slight ( I was "in her room in the middle of the night" etc) I go to the coffee shop and wait 15 minutes,and go back and it's 'Oh, you came today! Good to see you!'and our visits go pretty well. Once in a while we have a visit that all she does is yell at me and scold, and I cut those short.

Do I go? Do I go and avoid going to her room at all costs? I'm thinking that if I don't go to her room there will be much less trouble, but as soon as she sees my face, it's 'Look for my wallet, look for my earrings'. All fine and dandy till one hour later when all she remembers is me looking in the drawers=I took all her things.

Thursday's tomorrow, one of the days I usually go,I don't know what to do, if it's better for her if I stay home while she's in 'Thief!' mode (which I assume will pass eventually).

Many thanks in advance for any thoughts or advice you may have.

Hi Crella,

I think you're doing a good job of handling this situation. I can empathize with you because when both of my parents were on the warpath, I just hated going to see them. As a matter of fact, I will be going to visit for a couple of days - I always get a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach wondering how they will be.

It is very disconcerting to be called a thief when you're the one who's been caring for MIL for so long.

If you get there and MIL is angry or agitated, just tell her that you have to run an errand, go to a medical appointment, etc., then leave.

If this behavior persists, perhaps it could be due to a UTI or some other infection.

I think that the bottom line is that you will have to play it by ear and see how things go when you get there.

I wish I had an answer for you. I don't know if you were reading these boards when I posted about how I was supposed to go see my mother but we were expecting this big noreaster and I was freaked out driving there to see her (quite far) so I didn't go. THE PANIC, THE GUILT! I could have written a book about it and I probably did on here. Long story short, everything worked out fine and she didn't even know that I didn't go. To be honest, she forgets when I do go. I would say to try to give it a break for this day and see what happens.

BTW, most of the time when I would go to see my mother, she would be AWFUL for me, and AWFUL for everyone for the rest of the day once I left. I was causing many problems for her just by being there. Now she seems to be slipping a little more and our visits seem to be better, sigh. Unfortunately these better visits don't make me happy because I know what it means.

Go - You've been handling it great so far - keep it up. This phase will pass. And you never know, you might be mildly surprised in a positive way one day.
When it gets to be too much for me I try to remind myself 'what would I want if I were in her shoes?' The answer is always to know I have family that loves me, even if I only remember for that hour of that day. The other end of that stick is to try not to feel guilty about the times you can't be there. You can only do so much and you have to accept there are limits. Easy to say, took me at LEAST 6 months to accomplish
Hang in there -

Crella, you're doing such a good job with this. All anyone can do is deal with the crisis of the moment. When I visit Mom, if she is agitated, for us the best thing is to take a walk. If the weather is good, I immediately take her out on the porch to sit. If the weather is bad, I take her out of the memory unit and we just walk the halls or go sit in the "living room" (the lobby). As we stroll, I comment on a pretty picture on the wall, or how soft and comfortable the lighting is, how good things smell when we pass the dining room - anything to distract her. By the time we've walked from the unit to the front, whatever Mom is upset about is usually forgotten. It makes for a much calmer visit if we just stay out of her room completely. When I take her back to the unit, I leave her with the aide away from her room and take a minute to peek in to see if I need to replenish supplies, double-check the housekeeping, etc.

If the distractions are not helping Mom be calmer, my visits are short. There is nothing I would not do for my mother, but if I cannot help her and her state is such that she is going to build more agitation by seeing me, I leave. There is no point in staying and adding fuel to her fire.

Don't confuse being upset over the situation with feeling guilty. Of course you would be upset. But guilty? That only comes in when there is truly something you know you could do to improve things but make a conscious decision not to do it. I don't see that happening here.

Crella, You're doing a fine job. Just have to take it as it hits us. If you walk in and she's fussy, well either take a break down hall for a bit and re-enter, or just tell her have doc visit and leave.

You know many times we change the subject or leave, by time come back they've forgotten they're upset. We're in control and can leave, as why put up with the bad behavior. Next day she might be just peachy and you're the best child ever.

I would try to be flexible and go in or out according to her mood and/or actions. In the end they forget too.

When I go visit Mom, I'm on the edge of my seat in car and just think so much into it. I knock on her door and just have butterflies flying all over in my tummie. She answers and if its "nice mom" wow I'm okay and can enter. If answers and its "mean mom" I make the time spent very short and have reason to leave (doc appt).

Just remind myself her mind is "broken" and doesn't work properly. Would you ask a man with no leg to run? NO.... So why ask our parent with non-working mind to always act certain way. We have control over only our actions!!!

Best you~

quote:

Now she calls me just to yell 'Thief!' and hang up, maybe 4-5 times a day.

No suggestions about visiting, but I do have a thought on the phone.

My mom used to call upset and screaming, (although she didn't yell thief!) at all hours.

Once I moved her to assisted living, I told them not to allow her to call me. And we did not put a phone in her room, at their suggestion (and it was a very good suggestion!).

So they would dial the phone for her when she wanted to call me - but they would call a number they knew would just ring and ring.

I just couldn't stand the lurch I had everytime the phone rang. I was at the point where I was like Pavlov's dog about the damn phone - I had a huge rush of adrenaline and fear every time it rang. It would absolutely kill the rest of my day.

These days, I let her call because she hardly ever does. BUT they have to dial for her (she doesn't know how), and I gave them my cell rather than our residential number.

So the calls usually go straight to voice mail, it doesn't interrupt my work day (I work at home), and it doesn't keep us up with calls at midnight.

IS she this accusatory with everyone or just you? My mom was the same way with blaming certain relatives, and I'm sure she blamed me for stuff, just not to my face. If she truly can't remember you from one visit to the next, you could skip a visit every now and again if you have other things that you need to do. I know I put a lot of things on the back burner when I first placed my folks.

It's a hard thing, and you are doing a fine job of it. A lot of folks might just stop visiting but occasionally if they knew that their LO would not remember it. The point is, YOU remember it. That counts for something.

If she's this paranoid around everyone, then might a medication adjustment be in order? It might make her feel more secure and it might make your visits better.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate all those pats on the back!

football mom-the last time we had her tested she was okay, it hadn't occurred to me this time...she may need a urine test!

Marjk- I remember...the tortures we put ourselves through, forgetting that we ARE doing the best we can...I know what you mean about the times it seems to getting easier. It means the AD monster has taken something else away. Sometimes I half hope she DOESN'T stop being her default snappy self ;-)

Beth- I do sometimes feel I have to get the focus off myself and my feelings, as she can't help what she does!

Memaw- I do try and turn off guilt when it rears it's ugly head. I'll take your signature to heart!

Thank you Jazzy! I feel overwhelmed sometimes, just being hurtled along on this AD wave, but you're right, I AM in control and can do something about it.

Grassflower, she still has her own cell phone, the type she presses 1 for me 2 for DH and 3 for our son. We tried taking the phone away but that lead to her storming into the nurses' station and demanding to use the phone 'because I built this place!!!' So she has her phone back. I programmed her her own ring tone so that now I don't feel sick EVERY time the phone rings LOL I understand completely the reaction you had to the phone, ditto here. It's better with her own ring tone.

Lammie- it's just me! She has never shown this face to anyone else, never accused anyone else. She can be in the middle of tearing my head off, and if someone comes in she switches in a wink to 'sweet old lady' mode LOL Everything is my fault. I do 90% of what she needs done, but everything that goes wrong is my fault. Something is still in place that tells her that that behavior is not proper in front of other people.

Again, thank you all so, so much,

Crella

Aww,,of course its upsetting to you to be accused of doing any wrong,,,its human nature to get upset about such things.

But,,if you don't live far from where you have to go to visit your LO,,then go and visit. If she's rowdy and raising cane,,you can just give her a hug and kiss and leave.

But just make sure that she's been checked for a UTI,,or if any new meds have been introduced,,or the dosages increased.

I don't "not go " to visit with my Mom,,,but if she's having a bad day,,,I just keep my visit breif. I hope that you have a more pleasant visit with yours tomorrow.

And also,,it sounds as though she has a phone in her room,,,I'd get the phone removed! Peace

Thank you, Raven.

Thanks everyone, I went, here I am home in one piece :-D

Really though, it went fine....I did have to turn her room upside down while she was at rehab to look for her wallet, glasses and watch. I found the wallet and then time was up(she came back to her room), so the glasses and watch will have to wait for another day. We went to the coffee shop and talked for a while, it was a good visit.

It's never as bad as I imagine it will be.

I'm glad the visit went well.

We all tend to think the worst....at least I go that direction many times over. But...we're amazed when it all turns out fairly well.

So happy it went better for you. Now ride on those thoughts of how it ended up and think positives before the next visit.

You'll do great....