Hi everyone - I have been reading this wonderful forum for about six months now and have found if so helpful during this difficult time. I am the only healthy child of my 81 year old mom who was diagnosed with dementia about a year ago. I have one disabled brother whom we had to place in an assisted living facility since Mom could no longer care for him effectively. My sister died many years ago tragically at the age of 19. Mom is a Holocause survivor and as you can tell, I am "it" for now. Dad passed away 6 years ago and Mom now lives alone about a half hour from me and my husband and my 16 year-old-son - We have 3 other married children, a grandchild and one on the way, and another daughter still in college. My husband and I both work in our own business so I am free to take Mom to doctors and to administer her meds. My life is quite busy and this past year has been quite challenging. My mom is in stage 4 I would say -she never drove, thank G-d, and stopped cooking about a year ago so I believe she is in no danger. She is physically totally and amazingly healthy although her diet consists of coffee, cake and Ensure. Her short-term memory is horrendous so you can imagine the endless phone calls - repetitive questions - etc. Very hard to take!!!
So much for the story - - We have our Passover holiday coming up - Mom refuses to come to my home for the Seders. All the kids and families will be here - She says it is "too much" for her. We are modern Orthodox, and do not drive in the car during the Holiday so this would entail her being here for three straight days. Either that, or she stays home for those days, misses the Seders and misses spending time with her wonderful grandchildren and great-grandchild. Any suggestions?? Does anyone feel that it is overwhelming to be in company or would the "tumult" do her some good??
Thank you in advance for your help!!

Try as best as you can to convince your Mother to come to your home and stay for the holiday,,,after all,,,it may be the last holiday that she will be able to spend with her family as you knew it.

Just make sure that if she does agree to come,,that she has her "own room and quiet space".

It may also help to encourage her to come for the holiday if some of the other family members call her prior to the holiday ,,telling her how wonderful they are feeling about her celebrating with everyone.

Also,,,try to bring her over to "spend the night" before the holiday celebration,,like a trial run so to speak.

I wish you well in convincing your Mother,,,I hope that you,,she,and the rest of your family have a wonderful holiday. Peace & Blessings

Caregiver

I feel for your situation. Sometimes it is necessary or not possible for the whole family to be together for holidays.

If mom is no longer comfortable with being around a large group of people it may be better if she does stay at home. The aggitation and aggressiveness that may accompany the stress of being in that situation would be overwhelming for everyone.

Sjnce you do not drive during this time maybe a phone call would help and give some peace of mind. A short trip could be possible later with a smaller group of family. A nice dinner out would help if you can make the trip later.

Most people with AD do not like to be around crowds because they no longer have the ability of keeping up with the conversations. Everyone talking at the same time just ads to the confusion of the AD.

I hope this helps with the decision you are faced with.


Grandchildren

Dear Caretaker,
I agree, try to get your Mom to attend. I think it CAN be overwhelming
for some people, even NON-AD people, to be in crowds. I know my own
husband doesn't like being in large groups, he says it makes him
feel overwhelmed. I myself prefer large groups; I can be more "in-
visible" that way! As Raven said, it would be good to provide
Mom w/ an area of her own where she could have a little peace and
quiet if/when she needs it. Could you tell her that the grandchildren
have asked if she's coming, and you just KNOW they'll be disappointed
if she doesn't? Sometimes all it takes is to tell a person that they
are "needed." Hope it all works out, and that your family enjoys
a peaceful Passover.

Dear Caretaker - well, as you can see it's a split decision. I fall on the side of respecting her wishes. Why force the issue? She's told you she's not up to it. Yes, it may be disappointing to you and family but believe me when I tell you the agitation, confusion and just plain ugliness will NOT be worth it if it happens, and it very well could. And you'll have the guilt of making her do something she didn't want to do. I know you may be thinking, she'll enjoy it once she gets here. This isn't just a stubborn child refusing direction. This is a grown woman struggling to deal with her condition and no doubt very afraid as well as confused by it. Small, quiet groups visiting her where she is comfortable is the way to go for a peaceful event. I can't emphasis this enough - small, and quiet groups. Just my 2 cents - although I went through this at Christmas the last two years. Believe me, I know it's difficult, sad and frustrating. I so very much wanted my Mom at our Christmas gathering. I ask you to try to look at it from her perspective and that of this dam_ ugly disease.
Wishing you peace of acceptance.

I fall on the side of respecting her wishes too.

Seriously, if she gets agitated it will be bad for all.

Things change a lot when a LO get this horrific disease. Holidays and family gatherings will no longer be the same and we have to learn not to try to force it.

Ask me how I know

Former Queen of De - Nile

Any chance that a neighbour (one who isn't celebrating with a houseful of family) could take her in? She sounds very high functioning so far, and if she were staying in quiet accommodations on the same block and could come and go on foot during the three days...

Hi:
I experienced the same issues with my mom, though we are Christian, not Jewish. Our last family Christmas, with small children, was four years ago. Mom was early stage four, and she was so agitated. The year after that, our holiday was just her, my brother, and me. Since then, she has progressed into a solid stage five, and we have a small Christmas at my house, with my husband, my two adult daughters,
my DH daughter, her husband and their two kids. That has worked well the past few years.

Mom is no longer comfortable around large groups of people, or rambunctious children, sad to say.

Dear caretaker, a member named sportschef posted this (more or less - please see I don't know what to do for Passover) on my topic from last year:

Contact Jewish Council on the Aging, they can point you to local area synagogues providing holdiday meals.

Some people with Alz. do seem to get overwhelmed by too much activity around them. But, she might enjoy being with the grandchildren and great grandchildren in smaller doses if she has a room to retreat to for quiet. Is she used to staying at your home so she would not be confused? Does she have her own space?

I know this is heartwrenching. I was tearing up tonight just thinking about last year's Pesach. My father passed away in December and I hate to say it but I have regrets about how I handled it. But, I'm not sure that there is any perfect solution in which there are never any regrets.

Is it possible that your mother could have a medical dispensation for traveling on the holiday if this is helpful to her? Does she usually live alone w/ help?

Anyway, please know that you are not alone.

Lisa

I am so sorry to read your post. I can see both sides of this, and have no solutions at all. If your mom tells you that she can not handle the holiday you do have to believe her and yet passover is such an important family gathering that having this celebration without mom is so very hard. peace