I too am an avid reader of this site. I always look for someone who sounds similar to my mother. She is a stage 5 (mixed some better and worse like others) and i just started her on a 3 day week adult care program. She lives next door to me, but it has become a daily multi hour job to keep her stimulated and cared for.

It is just so hard with her. She never wants to go and on days she is not scheduled, if i am not there to entertain her, she becomes very aggitated and complaining of boredom, nothing to do...yada yada.

I guess I am really just venting, but everything is so difficult..I have this feeling I have about 6 more months in me..and then the guilt of maybe she is not ready for placement. I have aged 10 years in the the past one. Everyday..day in, day out. And when you do find a program, it takes so much tremendous effort and story telling to get her there.

I am tired and feeling very smothered. Thanks for listening.

Hi Sue..Welcome to a group that shares your journey. I know it's exhausting and frustrating and nothing is ever easy..I know. As hard as this stage my husband is in now is, I think that stage five was harder yet. He was too aware to be placed in day care and not enough aware to be independent..exhausting. I used to call that stage my cheerleader routine. You need that time that your mom is in day care so hang in there. It's a constant adjustment for us caregivers..just about the time we have one problem settled something else will pop up and here we go again. I hope this forum will be of help to you and the support I would like to offer you now is to let you know you are not alone on this journey and you are welcomed here for whatever you need. Take care and know that your contributions are appreciated.

hi sue,
With the exception of day care I could have posted your post word for word. What helps me to cope when I don't have the energy to entertain my mom is to have her sort something or dust or sweep. These simple activities can keep her busy for some time and gives me a break. I wish my mom would go to day care but I know that won't happen. My mom fluctuates bewteen stages 4/6. I recently purchased some connect the dots workbooks and removed the cover so she won't see the age groups and will introduce her to those soon. I hope I have given you some ideas.

Hi Sue,

I too had mom at home and tried to get her to daycare and she was having no parts of it. She just sat by the door waiting, wouldn't join in or participate. She wanted someone to direct her. I think I may have 'spoiled' her (for want of a better word). Many people would say that I at least had time to catch up around the house. T hey didn't understand that mom wanted my attention and shadowed me if I left her for a minute. I gave up the daycare, got in a home helper and that wonderful young lady showed her pictures of her kids, looked through the same magazine every day and took little walks with mom. I would also give her jobs to do like folding towels and wiping the counters. She loved doing that. You will know when the time comes for placement. Good luck, I hope this site helps you like it does me....

Thanks to all of you...it sure helps to hear similar situations out there. I am going to continue to "force" the day care...not so much for me, but for her..she needs the stimulation. I love my mother but I truely hate caring for her. She is sucking the life out of me. God forgive me.

Dear Sue,
don't feel badly for what you said or for how you are feeling;
I've felt the SAME EXACT WAY countless days. We are human, and
most of us didn't expect to find ourselves in this boat called
AD!! I agree, you will know when its time for placement; then
the trick is not to allow yourself to feel guilt over it. This
is probably one of the hardest things we'll face in our lives,
and we're doing the best we can..take care!!

thanks MATNET4...i am sure folks are none too happy with what i said....i so admire those who give daily at home with passion..i read it daily and wonder how they do it... I know i give to my mother so ,so much. life goes on..

This group never seizes to amaze me. Just today I was signing my mom up for adult day care and feeling guilty about. than I log on and what is the first thing I read about ADULT DAY CARE!! What a truly amazing place this is and what wonderful people are here getting advice or simply venting when no one else will listen, God Bless you all., I instantly felt so much better. We all have a long way to go and If you are not being a caregiver you just don`t know what we go through each day.Thank You

Read "The 36 hour-Day' by Mace and Rabins. YOU have to quit letting your Mom steer your ship. I've been Caregiving 24/7 for 4 years and it took me a LONG time to try and make our day together our day and not have her totally run mine. Easier said than done, I know but try and find peace somewhere for yourself. Keep the faith--literally. My prayers for all of us.

Dear Sue, I too admire the people on this forum, especially
the ones who have cared for their LO's in their home for
a long time. (I did it for 7 months) As hard as it is
sometimes, we really CAN'T compare ourselves to others.
We are all unique, with different temperaments, different
skill sets, etc. I too am SO grateful for this forum;
countless times I've had a question or problem re: my
father w/ dementia, and I'd log on and find exactly what
I needed!! I really believe most people do the BEST they
can, and especially the people here!! Take care.

Hi Sue-
I really understand what you are feeling...I tried real hard to at first--let my mom stay in her home and ck. on her as long as we could.
Next: we would go over and get her in the afternoon and let her stay with us overnight and then let her return home
(we let her have as much freedom as she could)--
Next: we tried her living with us...WOW! She wouldn't eat anything that I cooked--didn't like it!!! I couldn't do anything right--- she would go to bed at 5 PM and then get up at 11 PM wanting to go home. She would knock on the door all night long telling us it was time to get up and take her home.
Then she went outside in the middle of the night thinking it was daytime. I began to feel smothered and resentful and that wasn't what I wanted to feel. Her doctor told me that she needed more care than I could give her and needed 24/7 care that I could not give her... My husband had 2 heart attacks and is a diabetic so I needed to consider his health too in all of this... He loves my mom and is very supportive ( I am really blessed with my soulmate)...the doctor sat me down and said, "Linda, you need to take care of yourself in order to take care of your Mom".... at first I didn't understand how he could say that---it sounded soooooo selfish. I felt that I should be the one to care for my mom... My mom took care of my Dad at home till he died and that if I was a good daughter I should do the same....GUILT!!! She really went downhill while caring for my Dad and wouldn't listen when we mentioned getting him care so she could get some rest.
I did get my mom to go to an assisted living facility and explained to her that there would be someone there 24/7 if she needed help and that we would come and visit her, etc.
She had a huge old 2 story home that she could no longer care for and cats that she was obsessed with...
She willingly went to the assisted living facility and loved it.
She had friends to talk to and all of her needs met.
Suddenly what the doctor had told me about taking car of myself so I could be there for my mom was beginning to make sense.....
I truly admire those who are able to keep their loved one at home.....but there are circumstances that make it impossible for others to do....
My mom is now in locked down alz. unit and is in hospice care....she is in the final stage of this horrible disease and I go spend time with her everyday and cherish this time with her.... I know that every story is not the same but this is my story . I call it "The unknown journey".....
Blessings to all who are also on this road.........