I know it's typical for a LO to get obsessed about someone stealing stuff -- even when it's highly unlikely or definitely untrue. Any tips on how to respond?

You might try going along with it, saying, "Ph, I'm so sorry about that. It must really make you mad." or "We'll look for that in a little bit." Or try to just change the subject. Changing the subject worked best for me. Or try to take a walk. Something to divert attention away from that subject.

Tell them you have reported it to all of the authorities and they are looking into it. The nerve of those people!

HI there,
Oh my this was a HUGE deal with my mom. In fact the first big tip off to me that somwthing wasn't right with my mom was at my daughters wedding , someone stold her pajamas out of the motel room. Then it was a cook book that was stolen. Then it was the neighbors teenage daughter stealing her clothes.In fact, she has about 30 pairs of jeans because dad would take her shopping and buy more.
My dad, bless his heart , changed the house locks twice. We had some creative truths after that about cahnging the locks again. Even if they were just new keys! Even after that she would continue.
The way I would handle it with mom is to really
sympathize on an emotional level, acknowledge her feelings , I am so sorry mom that you have to feel that way. Be angry with her for a moment. Then, I would let her know that I would talk to dad and if he wouldn't I would take care of it.
Then, change the subject. Divert the conversation to another topic.
Logic will not work. Reasoning will not work.
I hope this helps. I am sorry, mom was like this really bad for about 1 1/2 years.

Ya... just try to change the subject.

Somebody stole two whole wedding ring sets from mom's bedroom yesterday. All she has left is the set that she wears. Don't know where she gets the thought that she has two more sets.

Welcome catnap,
It's for the other two husbands that she had, of course!!! Don't all of us a have 'spare' set of wedding rings?

Seriously, this symptom is the strangest, and no amount of 'logic' will EVER get you anywhere.

My mom & DH got into it once over our washer & dryer (mom hadn't owned a washer & dryer for at least 10 years.) My DH is shouting he has the receipt, mom answered well it was HER money, DH said he had enough of his own money, mom said that's because "my daughter steals it for you!"
;( Me..."Let's Eat!" Eating always distracted both my mom & dad! Thank goodness!

Take go*d care, Shaye

My Mom has people that come into her house at night and drink her beers, eat her food and dirty the rugs. The good thing is she thinks someone comes in to clean for her everytime she leaves he house. She keeps the place pretty neat (not the rugs, we can't keep up with her spills), so I just agree with her that it's bad about the night people, but really great about the housecleaners.

Ma's petunia was right on. Isn't it strange that these would be the first symptoms to show up. Don't think it's common but my MIL was always thinking someone was breaking into her house and stealing jewelry and checks. When she finally said someone broke in and left two butter dishes that weren't hers the light bulb finally went off in my head. Obviously the first part of her brain to be damaged was the reasoning. She could never stop and think that she might have hidden things and then not remembered where.
In her world "what was reasonable" was gone.

Well -- not only do people steal things from my mom, they also take the toilet paper roller and hide it.

Yep -- the other day it was behind the toothpaste in the medicine cabinet. Now tell me -- who is doing this -- I'm tired of looking for it :-)

Paranoia is a form of anxiety. And I'd try to relieve that anxiety. One way or another. By giving reassurance that something is being done about it. And it really is. Because you are giving reassurance. While you try to divert the mind to other more pleasant subjects intended to relieve anxiety/paranoia. Yes, become a psychologist. --Jim

The amazing thing was that my mother thought people were stealing little things. She didn't notice that I took her wallet, her checkbook, all important papers and all of her good jewelry out of her apartment.

I would empathize with her and tell her that I would do my best to get her stuff returned. Then I would go out and replace the things that I could (small things). She was always panicked about not having any cash, so I would give her $10 each time, a $5 and five singles. That would ultimately be "stolen". The first time it (stolen things that were really hidden) happened, I got angry at her (she hid her credit card or her bank card, or maybe it was her insurance cards, whatever, and it took us hours to find it). Getting angry got her so upset and so freaked out. When I learned to go along with it, she was much better.

We recently cleaned out her apartment (thanks to my aunt and uncle) and we found all of her "stolen" stuff. Boy did she hide things well. I would turn her place upside down to find the "stolen" stuff. I almost got to the point where I thought things really might have been stolen.

Mind you, we also found a nice stash of fives and singles.

OMG -- and I thought my Mother was the only one that hid things.

Every morning it's a challenge to find the things that were out the day before. When it's BINGO day I can never find the little pouch with the bingo money in it.

Has anyone used one of the electronic finders for keys, remote etc ? I want to put one of those in MIL's purse if it would work. We have spent literally hours looking for it in a very small area. Last time it was in the dryer. I'd have to sew it in there or something because she would take it out if she found it.

quote:

Originally posted by Cathy J. M.:
I know it's typical for a LO to get obsessed about someone stealing stuff -- even when it's highly unlikely or definitely untrue. Any tips on how to respond?

I finally settled on something like "Yes, I was worried that someone might steal that, so I locked it up in the safe deposit box so it would be safe." Sometimes I say file cabinet, or attic, or something else instead of safe deposit box, depending on the situation. Her normal reply is "Oh. I'm so glad you did that. I was worried." Then we can move on. Sometimes I reassure her that I will get it for her and show her... later.

She can't remember things for more than a minute or two, so sometimes we have the same discussion all over again. The main thing is, I think, to reassure her that things are "under control". These gentle lies reduce her anxiety.

quote:

Originally posted by Shaye:
Seriously, this symptom is the strangest, and no amount of 'logic' will EVER get you anywhere.

Truer words were never spoken!

(Actually, I think this principle applies to almost all AD behaviour. As soon as I stopped trying to explain reality to mom, and started working within whatever her reality was at the moment, life became much, much better for both of us.)

When I was new at all of this, I tried to explain to my mother; at times I nearly argued the point. No amount of explanation, etc. can be of help. It is true; NOT trying to explain in detail, etc. is the best course to take.

What I learned was to recognize her FEELINGS and empathize with her. This I followed with getting the topic changed. I also used therapeutic fibbing and this saved my mother much distress. I loathe not being truthful, but I soon found that this was actually a kindness of great assistance when necessary.

"Gosh Mom, it must feel awful for something like that to happen." Followed soon by; "Oh, isn't it terrific that Allison is going to have a baby?" Or; "Oh yes, that money was put into the savings account." Etc.

Validating feelings was helpful but not always effective. When the real thorny issues arose was when she began to blame ME for all her missing things which either did not exist or which she herself had hidden. That was a significant challenge for quite a period of time.

We learn to bob and weave, we learn the value of therapeutic fibbing and we learn how to deflect and change topics very handily.

It's all part of the process for many of us. There is not always a total fix, but do know that this eventually does pass. Eventually.

In the meantime we do the best we can under the circumstances, and hopefully find a way to get a few hours respite for ourselves every now and then in order to maintain our own mental health.

I wish you the very best,

Johanna C.

Ah, yes, I am the bad daughter. She called me at work to accuse me of stealing all her money. She told my brother I drove down from Dallas at night after work and stole her watch and rings and it goes on. Plus my brother and I both stood at her back down and handed out keys to her house to "everyone" and now they all came in at night and took her toothbrush, toothpaste, her purse (which she slept with) and mirrors.
All said and done she is the best hider I know of.
We worked on laughing about it most of the time but was very wearing.
Of course now that she won't get out of bed, I being a perverse human wish she were up and hiding things and looking for her purse. lol
This is the strangest disease.
She now has great stories. Not true of course but man that Horse Ranch she had must have been something!
Peace with you as you search in the truly unexpected places and find. lol
Sheryl

Well Cathy I got carried away and did not answer your question. Is such a close topic to me as was difficult.
My brother argued with her and that of course changed nothing.
I after the tears and understanding that she was indeed sick was better at agreeing with her and saying I will help you look when I come down as I was not there to steal it last night...Believe it or not that was ok with her. After I was here with her all the time jusst agreed as even when found she did not understand that she had hid it.
Truly it is a really heart hurting issue that you just have to handle the way that they will accept and each person is different.
She never called police but there are some that do.
My brother just shook his head when she said I took it all one night and I agreed and said yes and I spent it all really well. She laughed and did not talk about it again that evening...
That is mother personality in that I admitted and she forgives me and we move on. Not same for everyone no doubt.
Hope you are able to hit a happy in between for you and yours.
Sheryl

quote:

Originally posted by Jim Broede:
Paranoia is a form of anxiety. And I'd try to relieve that anxiety. One way or another. By giving reassurance that something is being done about it. And it really is. Because you are giving reassurance. While you try to divert the mind to other more pleasant subjects intended to relieve anxiety/paranoia. Yes, become a psychologist. --Jim

Ah! Very helpful -- because this is not an everyday, ongoing thing, just occasional. So the next time it happens, I'll look beneath the surface to see what's actually causing extra anxiety. (\

I won't be surprised if it turns out to be ME, because I can tell that any time I get worried and anxious, my partner picks it up pronto. But it might well be something else. If I can deal with the real source of the anxiety, I will. And either way, I can be more reassuring. Thanks, Jim, what an eye opening answer!

quote:

I won't be surprised if it turns out to be ME, because I can tell that any time I get worried and anxious, my partner picks it up pronto.

I am very good at hiding my 'feelings' from others. Especially at work, I am a professional! But working with seniors with dementia...they always knew...and would react not what I was saying or doing, but to my energy. I learned to be very careful and to reassure the ones closest to me, that everything was okay! I often gave them 'jobs' to help me; clipping coupons, sorting laundry, etc.. They were aware enough to sense what I could hide from most.

After I thought about that for awhile, I related it to being with my mom. I didn't want her to be ill, and I didn't enjoy being with her like that...it only made her worse, she was relying on me to be the 'strong one'!

So, I gave myself a 'pep' talk before going to see her, I would BE cheerful and whatdayaknow...she'd be nicer!

Again, my basic premise is that our Alz LOs go into being 'instinctive people', not 'thinking' people. Watch your pets, they react to your moods and actions more than words. I remember my Dad saying "Do what I say not what I do!" Well, instinctually, we do what the other is doing. We unconsciously 'mimic' people all the time in body language, language skills, etc. Think about yawning, smiling, lowering/raising our voices. This is our 'survival instincts' from being pack animals...there are many 'natural social laws' that we all practive every day without thinking about it.

Even to hiding things...my kitties each have their own 'stock pile' of toys in a favorite place. They are getting even more possesive since the kittens moved in. One has a favorite toy, I have not seen it since one of the kittens had it. I know my older cat hid HER toy away from the kittens.

Many of our loved ones are survivors of the Great Depression, when things really were scarce; so they relate to hiding 'the good stuff' away for safe keeping.

And sometimes they are almost right about the 'stealing'. My SF kept saying that 'they' take things, when they lived in the ALF. 'They' did take the laundry and towels & sheets away while my parents were in the room. He never realized that they brought them back, as he became less aware of what things looked like...he just 'saw' them take things away, so of course in Alz logic...'they' took everything.

And they often give things away! This has to be very well supervided in collective living situations; especially with language differences.

Another note about 'taking/moving' things. When I was married the first time, I often misplaced my comb, a glass, money whatever; since I'd always lived with someone else, I just assumed the 'other' had moved it! It was a huge shock to me, when I first lived by myself and 'lost' things, thinking I hadn't even left the room. (I found my brush once in the refrig. I guess I did go get a glass of milk to take my meds in the bathroom and brought the brush with me.) I didn't find it until I came home from work that day! (I apologized to my husband (in my head) for all the times I had accused him of moving my things.)

So, it can be a wide variety of 'incidents' that set off the 'stealing' issues. Logically, since they are 'losing' their minds, I imagine they have a very unsettling feeling in that and it transfers to 'things'.

I used to love (before ALZ) this saying: "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most!" Now it has meaning on many deeper levels!

Take go*d care, Shaye

My mom has been accusing my brother-in-law of stealing everything from a cutting board, diary, heater, to her clothes, my teen son's clothes (that I sent back to her to return to the store because he wore those sizes 3 yrs ago). This started happening this past summer, out of the blue. My sister and her husband live on the east coast, a few miles from her but my mom calls me (in CA) in hysterics and wails saying that my brother-in-law came to her house when she wasn't home and "changed the batteries from my remote!!", "came into my room and took a bath!!", "he took my....." whatever she couldn't find at that moment.

Though she has not been officially diagnosed, she's had paranoia and suspicion for many years - whoever came to her house or visited from out of town, they would get blamed for "moving" or "stealing" things from her. When my dad was alive (he passed away 8 years ago) with emphysema and barely able to walk with an oxygen tank, she blamed him for going down the basement and moving all her boxes of things and throwing them away. She put 2 padlocks on the outside of her bedroom door and a chain lock on the inside. She would forget where she put or hid the key and would break the door in order to access it. Then she wouldn't remember she did it and say "someone" broke her door. When she came to visit me, she would say that my son's friends stole whatever she was "hiding" in her underwear drawer and stealing my son's toys (never happened).

It was very frustrating when she said these things, which lead me to find out about Alzheimer's and realize that this was one of the symptoms. It's been very stressful for my sister and her husband - they rarely talk to or see my mom anymore. Trying to reason with my mom was impossible because she would get hysterical and scream that I don't believe her and I'm siding with my sister, then she hangs up on me. So now I know that is not the way to go. I try to change the subject or not bring up my sister or brother-in-law in conversation at all. But it's VERY hard and sad because it's pretty much breaking our family apart.

My mom is coming out for a month-long visit next week so I can see how she functions on a daily basis. I also need to find a geriatric physician for her maybe here and in MD. I'll let you know how it goes.

I have enjoyed and appreciated this thread. My MIL has AD and I am very involved in her care. Lately, she has been accusing me of things I have not done or taking things I have not taken, etc. She has always appreciated me and all I have done for her through the years and has expressed that at various times to many people, so for her to now turn me into her whipping post is a real change of attitude toward me. Today she accused me of stealing letters from her drawer, and then returning them to her by throwing them down on her counter, turning, and leaving without a word. To those of you who have been on the receiving end of these types of false accusations, or observed others in this situation, what do you say in those moments? It's one thing if the Loved One is complaining about someone else and you can sympathize with them to a degree, but when it's YOU they are accusing, and demanding an answer from you...it's harder to move forward! I very gently told her I would never do anything like that, would never invade her privacy by going in her drawers to take letters, etc. Eventually, after calmly explaining that I truly have no such recollection of events, and verifying that she did find all the letters and none are missing anymore, I suggested that we change the subject and I made small talk about a few other things. She still was upset with me and after a few moments she hung up. I am trying very hard to learn to speak Alzheimer's, and would appreciate any insight you can offer on how to reassure the person when it appears they no longer trust you to begin with.

It is very difficult when you work so hard to keep LO safe and healthy and they accuse you of harming them. I have just gotten to the point where I do the thereaputic lies and try very hard to realize that it is not my mother accusing me of harm---it's the beast who has taken her over. It has taken me a while to get to that point, however. And tomorrow she will forget the entire incident. I try to forget it also.

My MIL has taken the paranoia to the authorities many times. Fortunately, they understand, know who she is, and are willing to work with our family. It is tough, though.

She lives alone (close to us), has tried to sell her house for the last 4 years, and won't move or have guests for fear that they will steal her things or commit her to an institution. Things must be so difficult for her at this stage.

For right now, we are just holding steady.

For right now, we are

. . . . . . . just holding steady!!!

My intention is to be there for my husband/his family when the time comes for her to move or heaven forbid, some catastropic event takes place.

Until then, I appreciate so much the other stories.

quote:

Originally posted by leekm1:
I have enjoyed and appreciated this thread. My MIL has AD and I am very involved in her care. Lately, she has been accusing me of things I have not done or taking things I have not taken, etc. She has always appreciated me and all I have done for her through the years and has expressed that at various times to many people, so for her to now turn me into her whipping post is a real change of attitude toward me. Today she accused me of stealing letters from her drawer, and then returning them to her by throwing them down on her counter, turning, and leaving without a word. To those of you who have been on the receiving end of these types of false accusations, or observed others in this situation, what do you say in those moments?
.

Today my partner suddenly got furious and accused me, and I tried saying "How can I make it up to you?" in a kind, pleasant voice. She simmered for a moment and then I said "Let's do something to be happy right now." I suggested a walk and she agreed. At that point the caregiver arrived and took over the walk, and a few minutes later I heard them both laughing and having fun. So it did seem to work.

I think this might have been the first time I didn't argue about what I hadn't done etc.

No guarantee that it will work again, but my mantra for today was "Stay positive" and I was able to do so. My own attitude and feelings have so much impact on my partner's state of being that I figure anything I can do to keep myself calm and positive has to be in the right direction.

quote:

My DH is shouting he has the receipt, mom answered well it was HER money, DH said he had enough of his own money, mom said that's because "my daughter steals it for you!"

Oh gosh...that sounds familiar, MIL took DH aside when he saw her this week, she took him into a corner of her room as if she was about to reveal a shameful secret and said 'Crella took every last yen that I had when she came here yesterday, she took all of my money' DH of course says 'She'd never take your money, she has enough of her own!' Without missing a beat, MIL comes back with 'But with people like her it's not a matter of NEED, it's a HABIT!' Can't let her watch those profiling documentaries anymore I guess....

Now this is a classic.....MIL just called. I found her wallet yesterday and she lost it agian today.

'Really? but I just found it yesterday...'
'The reason you find it every time you come is that you take it home and then BRING IT BACK!'

I have to laugh, I can't help it.....

quote:

I think this might have been the first time I didn't argue about what I hadn't done etc.

Super! Honestly, it is AMAZING how well that usually works. It's hard to believe something so simple can make a difference, but can't argue with the result.

Looking back, all the Alz 'logic' seems almost funny to me now (Monday will be 1 year since mom passed). But isn't it sad that this disease does this to everyone? And then again it is AMAZING how our brains/minds work to compensate for 'losing it'?

I'm working on a little book of Alz logic with this kind of scenario...because when you are in the midst of it with a LO, it is so frustrating, maybe a little look at the absurdity of it will help others cope?

Take go*d care, Shaye