Hi All, I had a bug for a week or so but I am back feeling better...I am at a crossroads here and i am sure this has happened to others as I have read your stories..The last visit I had with my mom she was "on" for about 5 full minutes..she said my name as soon as I walked over to her table and I felt really happy..I know it is false hope but it is my false hope and it felt good to see her smile and say my name..she also said " I have been here for awhile now haven;t I"..I told her yes (over 2 yrs.) but my sister and I are taking care of her and making sure she is safe and has great people to take care of you while we are at work..Trying to make this as short as possible here...I explained all this to a good friend of mine and apparently she could ahve cared less..she said " you know that's not going to happen" when I was happy about my mom saying my name..I was shocked as she is older than me and I look up to and respect this person a lot..I guess she told another friend of ours she is sick of me talking about my mom..why did not tell me that? I listen to her consdtantly about her family..And I do no talk abotu my mom that much only if someone brings it up..so how do I confront this issue? part of me is like your not really my friend if you do not understand..I do not or am I looking for sympahty from her..I am just dealing with things one day at a time..am I wrong to feel hurt? any suggestions?

MITCH let me take a stab a this. From my personal experience, friends have no idea what emotions we go through when it comes to our LO.
They just see this person as some who has no idea what is going on in the world. TO us, we see the LO as someone who was vital in out life, who we love and care/cared for over the years. The friends has no idea of the loss we as caregivers feel. A caregiver who is a friend would know that just remembering your name is a great thing.Personally I would feel hurt and angry.
Personally, I would talk with your friend and explain that the small things that mom does are great in you book. In the future, you might not want to talk with this person about your mom unless they ask. WHen mom does something great again, come to this forum and tell us, we will all be happy for you.

We moved my MIL here with us over 2 years ago and at first she lived with us, (7 monthes) she is now in an ALZ unit at NH. I also found with my friends they just didn't get it. I guess when we are living it, it is all consuming and it's all we know as it is so challenging dealing with this disease. All I can say is I figured out who my TRUE friends were. They are the ones that showed up to sit with her so I could have an hour to myself, and the ones that listened to me non stop get the day to day stress off my shoulders.. They are still the ones that are here for us thru this journey with MIL..
Your friend will not get it until she is going thru something similar and we can't wish that on anyone.

Mitch, I do feel your pain as any little light of hope is GREAT!!! and you want to tell others. I will say in my case, I've got friends who truly understand and want to understand. These friends I rely on with positives and knowing more on the disease degression issues. Other friends have no clue and don't want to know or understand about the illness. These friends I just don't bother to tell them about mom, unless they ask. If even ask, tend to make it short and sweet.

Just need to find the friends who can understand and care and others who would rather talk about the weather vs. illnesses.

We're all different so plan your conversatons accordingly. Not easy is it?

Best to you and keep your chin up as you do care for you mom and are a really great son!

MITCH,

I have had friends that have walked away from me because I haven't been able to spend the time I used to with them. For me it had nothing to do with talking about mom. Most people do not understand the sacrifice we make every day or the hurt we have to witness. The friends that have stuck by me are my true friends, the ones that will be there for me through anything.

If this friend of yours doesn't like hearing about your mom, don't tell her. Not everyone wants to know things, no matter how big or small they may seem. A smile is a huge deal for us, a recognition is even bigger. I have two friends that I talk to about mom and once the subject is changed, I know I have said enough and move on. You should feel hurt, you want someone that is close to you that you can discuss these things with. This friend might not be the one that you can openly talk to.

We have to hold on to all hope, as that is all we have. We can't give up on our LOs or what will they have to continue fighting for. Keep doing what you do.

I pretty much don't talk about Dad unless someone asks. People do ask on occasion. Those who know about our journey of the past two years and those who are in the same boat themselves, or will be. A lot of people want to know about the whole experience and what led me to make the choices for my parents that I made.

If they don't ask, I don't tell.

MITCH, so many people just don't understand this disease. I know I certainly didn't until I had to deal with it myself. When people ask me how my mother is, I just lie and say fine. If not, they just make so many comments and I want to smack them. They tell me that the doctors need to find a way to force her to take her meds, they need to work more on her, they must be wrong and something else must be going on, they think dementia is only a memory disorder, etc... Even when and if I try to explain, it doesn't matter. I have very few friends who actually let me speak about it. Even fewer that actually have any idea about it.

Honestly, unless someone has been through this, they just have no idea. This is why I come on these boards so often. At least here everyone knows where I'm coming from. No one here judges me when I get out of control, panicked, curse like a sailor, etc... I can vent all I want, cry and scream and I know people here understand.

Your all right in same way or other..I give this person so much leeway at times and they truly do not get it...when she lost her husband 4 yrs. ago the same week i lost my stepfather we talked for hours and it brought us so much closer together..Some people truly show you their real colors after awhile..sad...but her loss as well..If she does not want to continue to talk I cannot make her..I have so much going on..I guess it is true what they say about some people being in your life for a reason or a season...It is almost like some people can no longer emotionallly be on the journey with us..They just cannot relate..

As I read this, my heart is aching because I relate to this on two different levels. I have found that no one wants to engage you in conversations about our LO for more than a few minutes. So now I don't talk about MIL unless asked. People just really don't have a clue.
But, on the other hand, I relate to this personally. I had a stroke 10 years ago and know the feeling of losing many friends in the process of finding 'myself' again. I lost friends that I had for 20 years! Unbelievable! But it happens.
I guess we just learn to go on. And like many of you said to do, come here for support, sympathy, or just a listening ear. I don't post often but I do read everyday. And I always walk away with at least one idea or suggestion.