Alzheimer’s Association Online Community
 |
|
Alzheimer’s Association Online Community |
|
||||
MESSAGE BOARDS FORUM INDEX | CHAT ROOM | BECOME A MEMBER | GUIDELINES |
||
 |
||
|
Go
|
Start a new discussion or poll
|
Find
|
Notify
|
Tools
|
Reply to this discussion
|
|
"Why don’t you visit your father?"
Involving Relatives in Caregiving You take care of your 79-year old husband with Alzheimer’s. Your son in Oregon calls on special occasions, but rarely visits home. "He has his own troubles," you say, but you desperately wish he would call or visit. Your dilemma is a common one: caregivers feel isolated, but they do not want to impose on family members. If they do ask, they often hear frustration and excuses. It is normal for them to get involved Grown children do have lives of their own, but when a parent has a chronic illness they "rejoin the family." Caring for aging parents is a part of being an adult. While denial is a common reaction, it is unhealthy to ignore a parent’s decline and growing care needs. Step 1: Know your specific needs You deserve all the help you can get over the long and taxing journey of dementia care. Here is a short list: a listening ear, a word of appreciation, a break from daily duties, hands-on help, and financial assistance. List ten specific ways you could use help. Step 2: Anticipate excuses "I don’t have time!" If we had a health emergency, would you come? So come now. "I don’t know what to do or say!" I’ll coach you. "It just upsets me too much!" Me too. But you can get past your upset too. "You can do this, I can’t!" But I can only do it with your support. Step 3: Ask! Accept invitations. When a relative says "Call me if you need any help," ask if they really mean it, then share items from your list of ten ways you could use help. Give them something that they can do. Or offer coaching. What is obvious to you may be new or daunting to them. Give specific times. It is easier to agree to something that has definite start and end times, like taking mom for an hour’s walk on Sunday morning. Ask earlier rather than later. If they get involved while the person with dementia can relate to them, they will be more able to assist later in the process. Ask honestly. If you want moral support by their presence, ask for it. That may be the best motive. Don’t say, "Your father needs to see you," etc. It is OK to insist. Having close family members join in caregiving is as much about paying respect and supporting one another as it is about practical help. Practice asking. Call the chapter Helpline (800-272-3900) or join a support group. Talking with others will make it easier to ask relatives to help, and give you encouragement and modeling. Step 4: Say "Thanks" When they do respond, tell them what their help has meant to you and your family member with dementia. That will encourage them to keep coming back! Trouble and the Grace to bear it, come in the same package. |
|||
|
ttt This is good info.
"Take time to smell the roses." |
||||
|
TB: there is a movie out there by the name of "hanging up"---it is about one daughter caring for their elder father and the other two daughters living life carefree as always--every so often checking in with the one sister but not much help with dad....(I can relate so well to this movie....
 ) anyways; the part I always loved about it was when one character says something like you always have everything under control didn't think we could help and the main caregiver says "but I needed you......" that line has always run true with me since I'm the lone caregiver for mom and everyone else just goes about.....good post.... Into the Mist by Deborah Uetz www.intothemist.us Behind every “I’m fine” is a mind full of confusion trying to get out” author unk . |
||||
|
TB, another great post, thank you.
Karen, I checked out "Hanging Up." It didn't get the greatest ratings but it looks good to me. Diane Keaton and Meg Ryan, how could you go wrong? It will be on OXYGEN station tomorrow at 3 pm....I'm going to watch it. |
||||
|
Great Post Twice Blessed.
You must be living in my home. Hubby says I will help you with your mom. So okay-I get a call last night from a friend asking me to come over to her house for a visit. Hubby said okay go-well I did and was having a great time talking to four girl-friends. I was gone too long-two hours-hubby called mad wanting to know when I was planning on coming home & make it soon. And he was mad when I got home & left mad. So I guess his-I will help you means on his terms. Daughter just flat says I will not help out after she stayed one night last month. So that leaves me & me only. Pat |
||||
|
It came out right after my dad died and I was the one to be with mom then...(somethings never change.....) and related so well to it then! and continue to. my sisters (talking then--but currently......) didn't see any conection.....hmmmmm perhaps it was becuase they were the other ones......... Watched it again over thanksgiving and even my daughters saw the connection I had with the movie before I even mentioned it....one said that is just like....But that one line that Meg Ryan says to ???? (used to be phoebe on friends...) "I needed you.... and just the way others don't really seem to "get it" even the part when one of the neglectful ones mentions how hard it is to caregive....(sisters do this all the time....don't even have a clue!) do let me knwo what you think....it was very relatable to me. I think I know where I will be at 3:00 pm........love that movie! thanks for letting me know! but do want to hear your opinion. Into the Mist by Deborah Uetz www.intothemist.us Behind every “I’m fine” is a mind full of confusion trying to get out” author unk . |
||||
|
pat: I remember this a bit with my daughters as well...after all they were his as well. I would always get calls from him stating he was "worried" about me when I was out...this always meant to me that he was the one that needed a break...... as for your daughters comment---I get that from the sibs....and it's their mom!!! I always find it strange that the only real contact mom has had with the grandkids is by the pictures on her TV....(mine exclded since they are the ones she sees all the time!) Also loved it when mom says because of all the conflicts going on with my sibs and me (I only speak to one and she is out of state the other two who live close by---forget it~! ) is becuase they are "jealous" of mine and her relationship.....I just let that one go becuase I really don't want to let her in on their real feelings.....I mentioned this earlier it is strange when one sister will check with my other sister out of state to find out if I will be going to mom's and my time frame for the visit....yep---we are one big happy family. I made the mistake one day and called the family "dysfunctional" in front of my mom and she strongly disagreed....oh well! I'm at a point that I don't even know if they would get a call from the hospital....they don't care now --- it is so very odd to me that all the hassles and health issues they attributed to for me; they still don't visit her? They wanted control of her mail, and money---yet to care for her or even visit....my brother thinks all you need to do is just drop her off at the assisted living place and off you go....my older sister the POA---is upset becuase she may have to place mom somewhere and mom isn't "dying quick enough and just keeps lingering on and on....."---she claims she is contantly "worring" about mom, yet will she visit???? nope.....I know others have different ways to handle the stress of this but that just really pisses me off....saying you worry but don't take any action or anythig. It isn't the funnest thing I've ever encounted but I'm there for mom becuase I love her and she needs help. Tehy just are buried in "issues" --- Into the Mist by Deborah Uetz www.intothemist.us Behind every “I’m fine” is a mind full of confusion trying to get out” author unk . |
||||
|
hanging up - I saw the movie a long time ago and don't remember much about it. It was way before I was a caregiver. So now it's about 3:00 and I'm going to go watch it again. Thanks for the tip.
rob |
||||
|
rob: it is amazing how it can apply towards the family dynamics and how different they can be. like I've mentioned before it really applied and my daughters just after watching a few moments before saw the connection.....
Into the Mist by Deborah Uetz www.intothemist.us Behind every “I’m fine” is a mind full of confusion trying to get out” author unk . |
||||
|
Argh! I missed the movie! Darn it!
 I hope it's on again sometime soon. I have the same problem, only with my brother. He and his family came around for a Christmas visit, but he seemed so uncomfortable around Mom. He couldn't sit still, sighed a lot, barely looked at her. It was pathetic... |
||||
|
that is the good part about the sibs hating me! I don't have to watch older sister avoid mom ---seemed like the last time we got together every time mom was in one place older sister would go to another room....early last winter (again when communication was going on....)& before every time my sister was with mom she wouldn't talk to her...still doesn't --- she will fetch groceries (sometimes....if her mood is right) but will not stay and chat or visit with mom. I think she does an impression of your brother. It does anger me becuase at this stage in the game I don't know their plans or what---this is what I get perplexed about ---- they don't see her, yet are in charge of her. (sister POA but brother is in charge...both bring up issues and are still angry at her and blame any behavior problem on her just being mean and nasty...but it is the disease) I personally don't know how they do it---I personally think it is sad and don't know how they do it. Mom will still question about them, she is scared of brother & sil (fears they will kidnap her and put her in a home or take all of her belongings...)--Keep trying to catch it when its on it is good and I'm sure there will be something to relate to--- karen Into the Mist by Deborah Uetz www.intothemist.us Behind every “I’m fine” is a mind full of confusion trying to get out” author unk . |
||||
|
Betsy, I missed it, too! My husband and son were watching football on the tv with the cable box. Below are the days it will be aired again. I'm going to mark my calendar.
Sun. Jan. 7 6:00 PM OXYGEN Mon. Jan. 8 2:00 PM OXYGEN |
||||
|
I would bet that this fits 99% of the caregivers! Trouble and the Grace to bear it, come in the same package. |
||||
|
thanks TB, this REALLY was helpful, especially the part about anticipating excuses. i always get, "i can't do it, you're so much better at things like this." yeah right!!!! you are such a God send to me, i always look forward to your posts!
thanks too riley, i will look into that movie, sounds great. have a good day everyone. |
||||
|
I watch "Hanging Up" on a weekly basis. It lets me let go and feel I might be coping all right!
Peace - susan susan |
||||
|
| Powered by Eve Community |
 | Please Wait. Your request is being processed... |
|
|
|
|||
  |
|||
| View $GS_USERNAME's Public Profile |
| Add $GS_USERNAME to my Ignore List |
| View Recent Posts by $GS_USERNAME |
| Notify me of New Posts by $GS_USERNAME |
