My dad(87) and my mom(83-AD for about 2-3 years now), are moving back to MN after spending the last 23 years in AZ. The level of mom's AD is that she does a pretty good job of pretending that she know's what's going on. If she answers the phone when one of us (5) daughters call from MN, she typically doesn't know who we are until she turns the phone over to dad, he puts us on speaker phone, he acknowledges who we are with a big hello, then mom says, "Oh Judy, Hi, How are you". Very rarely does she know who we are right off the bat.
My folks have decided to spend their remaining years back in MN. My brother lives near them in AZ, but they realize the benefits of being back in MN because there is more family here to help them out and many more friends that they can socialize with. Mom & dad (M&D) visited MN for 10 days this summer to find a townhome and check things out. During their stay mom was regularly asking when they were going to go home. She couldn't remember who's house she was staying in and kept asking what her and dad were doing here. My mom has a very gentle spirit, but you could tell that she was steamed a few times when we would get in the car to go visit or something, and she would realize that we were not taking her home (to AZ). Towards the end of the visit she better dealt with what was going on and went with the flow. So that is the stage my mom is at.

We're having them move absolutely everthing they own to MN so that it will be familiar and feel like 'Home' to mom. I'm wondering if during the actual move in, should mom experience some of the actual move in process, will it help her to adjust to and acknowledge the fact that this is 'Home' now? Would watching this process help it to sink in better? Or could the fast pace of workers unloading their things, unpacking boxes and filling their cupboards going to be overwhelming to her and possibley cause a panic reaction,...."what are these people doing with my things", "who asked these people to do this", "I want these things to go back to my house"......?

I feel that if she doesn't watch some of the process it will be totally mind boggling to her as to how (and why) her things mysteriously showed up in this strange home. My thoughts are to have her witness the truck pulling up and watch them place some of the key pieces of furniture in the house, then have M&D visit with dad's brother and sister-in-law that lives a couple doors down, then have both of them come back a few times during the process so mom can see the progress without being overwhelmed.

I'm pinch hitting here, so if anyone has any experience or suggestions with this it would be very much appreciated.

quote:

I feel that if she doesn't watch some of the process it will be totally mind boggling to her as to how (and why) her things mysteriously showed up in this strange home.

Your concern and love for your mom shines throughout your message. She's lucky to have you.

My experience based on two moves with my mom - amazingly enough, she will not be astonished when all of her stuff miraculously appears in the new place.

You would think it would be totally mind-boggling.....but it won't. She will be happy to see her stuff and that will be about it.

The ability to think coherently about the "hows" and "whys" is lost pretty early with dementia.

I would definitely not embroil her at all in the packing, moving, unpacking process. She won't understand what's she seeing, won't remember the intermediate steps, definitely won't put it all together in a coherent whole.

It will not lead to anything good, believe me.

Make it all happen behind the scenes, much as pretty much everyone here would tell you to do if you were placing her in a long-term care facility.

Judy Ann, Welcome to the forum. You will find answers that you never dreamed of here and such support!
I agree with Grassflower that she will probably not grasp moving. My mother is still in her home and wants to "go home". I can show her items she has collected through the years and it does not compute. Have given up trying to explain or convince. Since your dad is with her she will probably handle some better but just act normal as referring to the move will likely confuse her. If you do not have items unpacked and put away she will be confused also. Surprisingly our lo (loved ones) can pretend very well sometimes so be very attentive to her reactions.
If they are to sleep there first night and your dad is not a light sleeper you might pick up motion detector's at Lowe's and place at outside doors. If she is not a wanderer this could be a trigger. Please check back as know that all the wonderful people on this site will have good thoughts for you. Enjoy your mom and dad as they move closer and come often to share with us.
Sheryl

From my experience of moving Mom twice, first to ALF and then to NH, I would not engage Mom at all in the process. Is Dad capable of helping? If so, I would park Mom at sis's house while you and Dad pack and ready their belongings for the movers.

I would also use the process to weed out some of the 'stuff' to make the townhouse less cluttered.

If Mom is there while you are trying to pack, you'll find dishes in with the shoes and she will unpack as fast as you pack.

when mom came to live with me, we packed only a couple suitcases. when she arrived, we smothered her with love attention and activity. she has never asked to go home. she has asked about her things. wish my brothers were into bringing some of her personal treasures. i think she would be even more comfy.

quote:

If they are to sleep there first night and your dad is not a light sleeper you might pick up motion detector's at Lowe's and place at outside doors. If she is not a wanderer this could be a trigger. Please check back as know that all the wonderful people on this site will have good thoughts for you. Enjoy your mom and dad as they move closer and come often to share with us.

Sheryl's made a great point.

It's a good idea to assume that your mom will be more confused and need closer guidance and supervision for the first few days/nights or even the first few weeks.

During this adjustment period, maybe one of you kids can spend the night over there so you're up while Dad's asleep, just to be on the safe side.

One of the folks in my support group downsized to a new apartment and her DH left the apartment several times not really understanding where he was - kinda thought he was going to the bathroom, to the kitchen for a drink, etc. But he ended up leaving the building and out on the street (turned out OK - the police picked him up.)

She can learn small amounts of new stuff - but it will take time and lots of repetition of the experience of doing it (not repetition of telling them about it - that won't help).

So for example, she will learn where the bathroom is - but it won't happen on Day 1 as it will for your dad. That's why you want someone there to make sure she finds the bathroom OK the first few days, for example.