Been a while since I've been on here.

We moved Daddy to as Alzheimer's care home in late August when Mother had to go in the hospital for several days. (Gall bladder removal.) He is adjusting as well as can be expected - no big emotional drama about being there although he does ask to go see his mother (deceased 22 years) occasionally.

Anyway, there is a new resident of the home that is romantically pursuing Daddy. (Workers & other visitors have confirmed that she is the aggressive one & Daddy doesn't realize what's happening.) My mom found some of this woman's clothes in Daddy's closet yesterday. And, yes, this woman is reminded every time Mother visits Daddy that my dad is married. She's even pursuing him with my mother in her presence.

Yes, we intellectually know that they don't know better but that knowledge is NOT helping my mom's feelings at all. The staff is aware of this problem & tries to help.

Anybody have any suggestions? We hate to move Daddy to another home. He likes this one & has gotten relatively comfortable there. But Mother has about had it with this 'other woman'.

I can imagine that it would be hard for your Mom to deal with- even knowing that the AD causes people to act in ways that they normally wouldn't. Would it help her at all to go to a support group for spouses with AD?

With the idea of moving him to a different facility- this could happen there as well.

Could someone pick your Dad up from the facility and your Mom could spend time with him at a restaurant or at home for a few hours? Thta way, this other woman wouldn't be there and wouldn't be upsetting your Mom.

quote:

We hate to move Daddy to another home. He likes this one & has gotten relatively comfortable there. But Mother has about had it with this 'other woman'.

No point in moving him - how do you know it wouldn't happen again?

Plus, he's the most vulnerable person in this equation, and rocking his boat with an unnecessary move isn't in HIS best interest.

And of course telling the other resident he's married doesn't work. She's got dementia too.

Unfortunately the person who must adjust is your poor mom.

Sandra Day O'Connor, the retired Supreme Court justice, experienced the same thing with her husband who has dementia and developed a relationship with another resident at his long-term care facility.

It's tough on all the families, but this is not that uncommon among people with dementia.

The best they can do is try to be happy that both of these people have found each other - since they would otherwise be alone in these facilities.

maybe you and the alf can run some interference by calling the alf before your mom comes to visit so that the women is otherwise occupied when mom is visiting.

Can they move him to another area of the facility? Find another dinner time?

I don't see why his routine, his living situation and a relationship that seems to work pretty well for him with another resident should be disrupted.

None of this things are causing him harm in any way.

Changing any of those things simply to make your mom (possibly) feel better sacrifice his wellbeing and comfort for her feelings.

That said, I'm terribly sympathetic to his wife's feelings.

The support group suggestion is a good one. Talking one on one with the facility's social worker may help too - she's undoubtedly seen this before.

And perhaps your dad and Mom can go out (snack, dinner, for a drive, whatever) when she visits, so that she can avoid seeing her, minimize seeing clothes in his closet.

You might also want to introduce your mom the Alzheimer's spouse forum. It's specifically for spouses and partners of people with dementia.

http://www.TheAlzheimerSpouse.com

Message board link is on the left, and they've had other posters who have dealt with similar developments.

quote:

Originally posted by Grassflower:
I don't see why his routine, his living situation and a relationship that seems to work pretty well for him with another resident should be disrupted.

Is he enjoying the relationship? Maybe he's powerless? I've seen this type of thing at our NH and the person on the receiving end of the attention is not "enjoying" or encouraging the attention. On occassion, one woman thinks another woman is a man and she wants to kiss her at dinner time, etc.

Presumably if Dad were resistant and it were upsetting him, the original poster would've indicated that. Her posts seem to suggest that Dad doesn't see any problem ("they don't know better").

Perhaps she'll elaborate if indeed he's upset.

Of course staff should do what they can to minimize *unwanted* attention from another resident, whether it's verbal, physical, romantic, sexual or whatnot, within the limits of the environment.

But that's if the RESIDENT doesn't want it, and it's upsetting to them.

The woman I have observed wants to go around kissing the men...that could easily spread germs/colds/flu, etc. Most of these people aren't washing their hands either, so there is a health risk.

I am so sorry that your mother has to go through this. That being said I agree with the other posters that moving your father is probably not the best solution. There are always more women in almost any type of facility since women tend to live longer. And there will always be both women and men who will seek companionship from the opposite sex. Some people just cannot stand to be alone and must be part of a couple. So moving your father will cause him stress and may not resolve the problem.

Your mother just needs help to understand what is happening with your father. Does he still recognize her as his spouse? Even if he does he may enjoy the attention of the other woman.
I go to a support group and one of the women who attends has a husband who is one of 4 men in a unit that has 16 women. She has commented that he just loves being surrounded by all of those women.

If this is not upsetting your father then I would just try to keep your mother away from the other woman so it will not bother her so much.

quote:

Originally posted by Always Learning More:
The woman I have observed wants to go around kissing the men...that could easily spread germs/colds/flu, etc. Most of these people aren't washing their hands either, so there is a health risk.

1) As far as spreading colds and flu - visitors touch, hug and kiss residents, and very few visitors are diligent hand-washers either! And by the way, same goes for plenty of CGs and healthcare professionals.

So this concern doesn't require special limitations on the physical contact that people with dementia are allowed to have. It's a universal!

I believe most of us would agree that encouraging handwashing is a better solution than prohibiting hugs and kisses, regardless.

2) Yes, this behavior is how dementia presents in some people. I've seen it in a couple of different settings and in general the residents kissed haven't objected.

If it upset other residents to be touched or kissed, staff does what it can to prevent it in the future.

Otherwise, residents are free to engage in any behavior with other residents that they want to that isn't harmful or disruptive to themselves or others.

The goal of caregiving is to keep our LOs safe and secure while allowing them as much self-determination as possible.

The opinions of others about what people with dementia should and shouldn't be "allowed" to do based strictly on the fact that they have dementia is generally not relevant.

And it's not up to caregivers to impose every belief or feeling they have on their loved ones just because their LOs have dementia and the CG may therefore be in a more powerful position.

Even legal guardians are required to allow their wards as much latitude as they can, consistent with the safe and secure requirement.

I agree that moving your father isn't the solution to the problem.

One of the things that none of us knows -- and that you might not know, either -- is what relationship your parents have right now. Being the caregiver for an AD spouse has all sorts of unique issues, including those involving intimacy.

There was a very interesting article on the legal / ethical ramifications of sexual relationships involving dementia patients recently:

http://alzheimers.boomja.com/E...Intimacy-114091.html

And there are also some articles on the subject of marital relationships involving dementia at:

http://alzheimers.boomja.com/A...Behavior-114106.html

Perhaps your mother would find some of these helpful in coming to terms with how she feels about the overall situation -- not just "the other woman" -- and deciding how to move forward from here.

I'm concerned about the mother. She probably has a routine of arrival and departure times and the staff will know when that is.

Why can't the staff divert this other woman to another area and check the closet once in awhile and get those clothes out of there. I'm thinking if the place is big enough...move them to different areas and schedules...not out of the facility.

I bet they are paying a pretty penney for the place, and the staff knows what to say to get residents in there and when the bills are due, but now what respect is mom getting for HER feelings?

Thanks for all your advice.

Mother has decided not to move Daddy. Evidently, the other woman's clothes being in the closet was just a one-time fluke. They're always taking stuff out of & into each other's rooms.

Daddy is not necessarily 'enjoying' the relationship although I don't think he feels threatened. The 'other woman' is just so incredibly aggressive, even when my mom is right there. She'll sit by him & rest her head on his shoulder with Mother sitting on the other side of Daddy! Most of the staff are aware of the situation & try to keep them apart. Daddy does recognize Mother as somebody he is supposed to know but he doesn't know her name or understand what a 'wife' is.

Mother & Daddy have been married 50 years so this is very hard on her. This is a very small facility so there is no moving anybody to a different section or anything like that.

It seems to be somewhat better. I think Mother is becoming a little more assertive with the woman - nothing violent or mean, just taking Daddy by the hand & leading him somewhere else, things like that.

mrsmusic,

You are handling it correctly. I think you Mom is getting a handle on it and is doing the correct thing. You supporting her and the staff helping is really about all you can do in this case. This road on AD lane sucks. So hard on the spouses especially.

Your are doing good and making the right decisions.

The info on the other sites probably can help also. Gives you some good advice.

Phyllis and Roger

We have this exact same issue with my dad and his neighbor across the hall...she is spanish and my dad can't understand a word she says but she is crazy about my dad...he gets very upset with her and try to tell her to leave his room but she doesnt understand what he is saying...we have complained about her, we have found her clothes in his closet, she comes in when family is visiting and justs gigggles and stands there..wont leave...the NH staff even put one of those yellow banners across dad's door with a big stop sign in the middle...it worked for a few days but she was right back to it....

We were told by an aide to just wave and say adios..bye bye...so that is what we do now and she will giggle and leave....the aides do the best they can with her...she use to be a nurse so she always goes in the other residents rooms..i think she still beleives she needs to check on people....its very sad...she was beaten severely in the head by muggers so she is really in a bad way...mom has grown "use" to her now...mom has learned alot..she now takes this woman gently by the arm and says "C'mon lets go to your room so I can see your baby"...it works...temporarily.

I would not move your dad...grassflower is correct...it may just happen again elsewhere..they just can't help it...they don't understand...I wish you luck and I know it is very frustrrating..your mom will adjust..mine did. She still gets aggravated but she understands this poor woman doesn't know she is causing any problems.

GOOD LUCK,
kim

mrsmusic, thanks for the update.