Hi Zoey,
I wanted to start this thread to you, since I find myself responding to you in other threads so much, and you have some things going on right now. I hope we can help.
I am also transferring some posts here, to help summarize:

ZOEY M Posted July 02, 2008 07:21 PM
what do you do when Mom starts screaming about the check you wrote last month for her daycare? She went into a grand mal episode tonight......she is breathing hard......she is calling me names......Im not stealing from her, I just want her to remain active and they say she does well there.....why then do I get all this hassle from her, why won't my brother come get her.....he needs to see the reality of all of this....why should I suffer alone?????? Im really worried tonight.......she will not let me take her B/P.....keeps wiping head with wet washcloth.....what next.....? ? ? HELP ? ZOEY

Roger G. care partner Posted July 02, 2008 07:31 PM
ZOEY.
you are really going through it right now. I as the same about my wife's son. Why won't he come and visit.

Not taking her BP one time will not hurt. Do not worry about that. My wife has not had her pills all day as she will not swollow them now. I am going to start crushing them and putting them into her nightly ice cream. That will take care of the night pills., Not sure what I will do about the day ones yet.

Living with someone who has AD is a long hard road Zoey. you are doing good. Believe me.

Thier accusations and such is because you are the caregiver.....They turn on you not because they want to.....It is the damn disease. It is hard but do not take this rant from her to heart. Again, it is not you, it is the disease
Roger G
maygar@verizon.net

brightwings Posted July 02, 2008 10:38 PM
Zoey
I repeat: embrace the fiblet...

You can keep a separate checkbook that your mother never sees to pay for things like her daycare.

I think it would help YOU to see your mother as a six year old --would you let a six year old decide whether to not go to school, to make major financial decisions, etc? YOU"RE THE GROWNUP in the house who makes the decisions needed to keep everyone (including yourself) safe and well.

ZOEY M Posted July 03, 2008 10:29 AM
she did get ready for daycare, I thought that she said IM NOT GOING.....I went to bank the other day to close-out one of her accounts, I was going to transfer it to my account (another bank).....they said its just like you mom giving you this as a gift....you would have to pay taxes on it...... how is there a way around this?????? Im trying to keep her active.....she does well there, in fact today is an "at home day".....she looks lost, doesn't know what to do....STRUCTURE is so important.....she had a terrible episode last evening.....almost called 911.....here in Md. you have to go to E/R first.....then they ship you to Phyc. Hosp....isn't that insane? I feel trapped, no way out....don't know what to do.....my hands are not only tied....they are numb....12 days now.....my hands, can't feel them....could it be stress....? something else? OOPS, sorry got off topic......ZOEY

maebee Posted July 03, 2008 10:33 AM
My thoughts too, Brightwings.
If it so upsets a LO, don't let them know those things. Independence is one thing, but do you give a 6 year old the independence he WANTS, or what YOU believe is best, and he/she can handle??
The major downfall, is that the 6 yo can learn, can progress.

maebee1@comcast.net
"Be not forgetful to entertain strangers; for thereby some have entertained angels unaware."Heb 13:2
http://www.intothemist.us

THANK YOU MY FRIEND......Z

I guess the worst part is she will not go to the dr's anymore....heart or Phyc....so I have no one to lean on.....I realize she needs to be back at the Phyc. Hospital.....but if she literally goes kicking and screaming....what do you do......sedating them helps....however if they guard their soda can....and now she is holding on to her purse all the time.....even at home.......Z Im concentrating on NOT upseting her in any way......or go to my room......like now, Im here typing upstairs, she is down......its so hard to walk away, she is closing down the conversation.......I'll say.....Mom, look.....there is 2 squirrels, a bunny, cardinal.....having coffee with us....she replies.....WHATEVER.......and looks away.......how do you reach the unreachable? Maybe its simple.....just be there.!!!!

Zoey,
I completely neglected to ask about YOUR health. Are you under a doctor's care, other that the psche? The numbness in your hands is NOT RIGHT.

Zoey, it sounds like you need to sit down with an Elder care attorney or maybe the bank president so that you can ask specific questions. Depending on your POA you should be able to move money out of an account without paying taxes, since you're doing it for her. Maybe all you need to do is set up a second account in both your names. Use this account to pay for the day care and other necessities for your mom and she never has to see what's going on with her money. And if your hands have been numb for 12 days now I think you need to also get yourself to a doctor! Stress will manifest itself in many ways but I would like to know for sure that you're ok. Get a check up and find someone to give you a break. The struggle to get her to day care may negate any advantages to having her there. You sound like you could be headed for a melt down any day now. Please let us know how this situation progresses...we all care!

Moving this over to Maebee's thread for Zoey:

Zoey,

I'm worried about your numb hands.
If you're still on Pristiq, one of the warnings is to call your doctor immediately if you experience numbness in arms or legs (so I'm guessing this would extend to your hands also).

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/drug-information/DR602605

You're under so much stress and I'm not trying to be nosey. It's just that in the past I tried many meds for anxiety, and really had some bizarre adverse effects for some of the SSRIs and SNRIs and others.

I'm hoping the doctor has addressed the numbness problem if you're still on the new med.

my reg. dr on vac till the 7th.....Im on Pristiq, just approved by FDA in May....also Klonopin, and he added a new one yesterday, called Lamictal ? ? ? But there is Monopril for B/P, and Cholest. lowering meds, which all of these could be interacting.... I did fall in school on a kids bookbag 3 yrs ago, on my right knee, as a result of that fall.....maybe it messed up my right hip and spine as well.....the shrink doesn't think my numb hands are from the meds, I don't know.....but with the shortness of breath, called my cardio dr....1 week ago today, maybe the heart is not pumping adequately from the stress.......will let you know.....thx friends...........Z

ps: I could deal with all this better if Mom were not so mad all the time, we went for a walk awhile ago......and I saw the springer spaniel I always say hi to......she cusses and stomps away....YELLS....DIRTY D___ DOG HANDS, I came home crying.......then yells at a lady, her dogs were barking out the window......what next......the GEICO gecko ? ? ? lol

Zoey,

Maybe you could ask your pharmacist for an opinion on all the meds you're on and if numb hands could be a side effect? I tend not to trust doctors to know all they should about drugs when I see the pretty young pharmaceutical reps going in to see the doctor while my mother is turned over to his PA.

I've taken Klonopin for sleep and restless legs at night. Always puts me to sleep. So I can't take it these days with my mother requiring so little sleep. Pristiq was one of the covergirls on the May issue of the Monthly Prescribing Reference, but it's a periodical that is limited in listing adverse effects. I've heard of Lamictal but am not familiar with it; only that they have it listed under bipolar meds. Your poor head--I hope it doesn't feel as bad as I'm imagining on those meds. But you still can laugh, so that's a definite good sign!

When I tried Effexor, one of my pupils became huge and vibrated. So besides the usual headache I was dizzy and couldn't focus. Weird adverse effect. It sounds like Pristiq is a cousin of Effexor.

Good luck with the cardio. Saying a little prayer that all goes well.

Your mom needs to sit in the naughty chair about the doggies!

You all are great......

ZOEY

Zoey: I hope this does not offend you, but why are you taking your "ornery" mother for walks? I totally understand the desire to please her, entertain her, stimulate her, but she is so ill, it does not seem to be helping her any--as a matter of fact it seems to irritate her more, and it certainly is not helping YOU.

You have to take care of YOU first. You've read this over and over on this message board. Avoiding interacting with your mother, since she is so out of it, would be in your best interests. I do not know what I would do in your situation. But I do know I would cease trying to entertain her, since it is not working.

I live with my mom (AD) and stepdad (vascular D) and he is the monster in this house. He is impossible to please. Literally IMPOSSIBLE. I tried before, getting him the perfect pair of slippers, "forcing" his other children to buy him the perfect recliner, adjusting his cane, grappling with doctors for over a year to attend to his spinal stenosis and neuropathy pain so that they FINALLY prescribed hydromorphone--and STILL he is miserable.

There is nothing left for me to do but to guarantee he eats, bathes, sleeps, and uses his cane when he goes out. He CANNOT be pleased by anyone, and all I can do is keep away from him to save my sanity and my health.

So I'm frequently up in my room, entertaining myself, when I'm not at work, and drowning out his perpetually complaining voice with the sound of the television. I let the home attendants listen to his misery. And interview them to see if I need to intervene regarding his care or his health only.

Does any of this help?

I wish you peace. And health.

Interesting......are the health attendents covered by Medicare....? ? I went out for one hr and a half.......came home....she is in a rage....literally.......YOU BOTH ARE CONIVING CONSPIRITERS.......I don't know what set her off, she will not take her purse off her arm, I touched it and said.....MOM, NO ONE WANTS YOUR PURSE.....she socked me hard on the hand. I don't know what to do except stay upstairs, sounds like your idea might work....at least for now...........thx all....Z

Zoey,
Sounds like the purse is a security type of thing. Honey, DON'T TOUCH THE PURSE! I say it in jest, but, seriously, if it upsets her so much, just leave her have her purse. Let her sleep with it, if she wants.

If it upsets you both, to go for a walk, don't take her for a walk. Look into your medicare, etc., and see if you can get someone to come in on a regular basis.

If you think she needs another psyche evaluation, YOU can call and speak to her doctor. Many times, because they ARE kicking and screaming, is why they go to the evaluation.

As for the banking, I can see, if you are putting the $$ in your own account, it would be income to you. I agree with Krista. You need to get legal advice.

I want to thank you maebee....for being so attentive in nature.....in caring and sharing your thoughts.......again....thx friend ZOEY

ps: Thx to everyone for comments....your knowledge and compassion is overwhelming. I feel so low, then log on to this forum and feel like a human being again.......

ZOEY, my dear, my heart goes out to you as I read several of your posts.
I have not really been on this forum in a long time. After my mom died I felt as if I did not belong here anymore. I felt as if I did not have anything to discuss or share anymore.
I just felt so empty!

Zoey just let me tell you something that I have experienced. When Mom was alive, all the argueing, yelling, stress were making me crazy
and sometimes I would wonder what would it be like when it would finally be over. Well, it is over and I regret every unkind word I ever said or every unkind thought that ever entered my mind. What I am trying to tell you is that the inevitable will come, but it should not take you along with it. Do not get so stressed out, when you feel you are losing control, just walk away. You can only do so much. Don't worry about the walks, just let her be.
As far as the bank is concerned, do not worry about tax consequences. As long as the money is less than a Million Dollars, at the end it will be counted as part of the Estate.
I know the feeling of numbness and shortness of breath. It is all due to anxiety!
Take care my dear friend!

FILOMENA

Hi Zoey,
It sounds like it's time to contact an attorney. I did that and it helped me enormously. You are being abused and your stress is manifesting itself physically so you have to take care of yourself. You need to have a better quality of life and the only way to do that is to find out how to place your mom in assisted living. My Dad's dr. did that for me. Can you get your mom to the dr. if you tell her she needs a yearly physical to make sure she's still "healthy"? You could talk to the dr. ahead of time and explain her behavior. She may just need medication to correct the aggression or she may need to be placed. You have a life to lead too and you deserve to be able to go home and be stress free in your own home.
Hope this helps.
Lovemypapa

I went to the Cemetery Office and picked out spots for Mom, myself and hubby......also picked out marker, wht. casket, all the other goodies.....I have to give the 6,600 ck to him today......but Im stressed out about withdrawing that amount.....what do I say If she finds out.....I know this should be done soon, the other day......she looked at me so seriously......."I KNOW IM NOT GOING TO LIVE MUCH LONGER..." WOW....that got to me, yes someday will come.......should I do it or wait?
My Dad says every year...this is my last year, Im on my way out......he's 85 and just bought a motorcycle......he's the opposite of Mom, Im so tired.......and wish Mom would agree to be at a Retirement Village.....went to a nice the other day.......but she won't even go see it....? ? ?

Thx friends......glad to see your post Fil.

uh-oh...she's going thru the
mail......ZOEY


its happened again.....she's screaming YOU DEVIL,....OH GOD....JUST LET ME DIE....she found a statement.......no let me.....Im so sick of this disease, really, I can't stand the rage that comes from these episodes.......IM SO LOST.....how does this happen? ? I try to be so careful to get the mail......but I heard to front door open.....I prayed that nothing was in there from the bank......one day she went to mailbox 5 times......OH...GOD, pls help.

Zoey, just out of curiosity how can your mom still understand what a bank means?
Why don't you get a P>O> box and have anything from the bank delivered there?
Just a thought!
Filomena

I don't know Fil......I wish I could say... we only get mail twice a yr....but she's so paranoid.......about her purse and $$$$$...

Z....

Hi Zoey, in what stage is your mom in? Do you think that she really knows real money? How about if you purchased some of that fake money used for gags, something that looks pretty close to the original and give her a bunch to hold in her pocketbook. I think that would make her happy and make her feen in control and in charge of her money.
I know I am just grasping at straws, but I really would love to help you to ease your stress.
Filomena

I know you would dear friend.......She would probably know the difference.....not sure what stage, but I think she's in another one....she is rageful, beligerant, almost hating me....I can't stand it....she stopped ALL meds in Nov, and should be re-evaluated.......I think tomarrow I will have to call Medicare and ask them can she just be admitted to Phyc. Hospital or does she have to go to reg. E/R first. Hubby said she has to go to E/R 1st.....what a waste of time......sorry if I seem to be a whiner.......but its bad, not a happy house anymore.....yesterday I broke down crying at the kitchen sink......she screamed to hubby... DID YOU HIT HER ? ? 5 mins later a dog got loose and was at our back door.....she went bolistic....remember she even hates dog commercials......YIKES....I HATE THIS DISEASE.

Z

I realize that sometimes giving any kind of advice is hard because the people giving the advice are NOT there with the people receiving it. That said, all I can add is that only you really can judge what is going on with your Mom, and it makes me so sad knowing that as much as you want or try to be in control of this horrible situation, it is really out of your hands.
I don't know what your options are as far as making a decision about placement. I know that your brother does not want to be part of this equation and that everything rests on your shoulders dear Zoey, but remeber that if something happens to you there will be no one to take care of her at all.

I remember how every night while my Mom was still living with me I would cry and think that
it was either her or me. My sanity was really at stake, I was really at the point of a breakdown. That was when I decided that I had to make some living arrangement changes. Thank God we still had her house and so she went back to live there with 24/7 care.

She became a different person! I used to spend every friday with her. It became something I would look forward to. We would sing, I would fix her hair, give her a manicure. It was FUN.

Although while she was living with me she was not at the point where your mom seems to be, she still yelled at me and told me that she wished I had never been born, that she hated me, that she should have put a pillow on my face when I was born. It was so heatbreaking to hear these horrible things from a woman who had been always so kind, loving and giving and so I would yell back at her and also say terrible things I now wish I never said. She would cry and I would feel even worst and life went on.

Zoey, please have her evaluated so that you can assess the situation more clearly and maybe reach a decision that would benefit everybody.
Filomena

thx so much Fil......I would have to trick her, she needs her bangs cut, they are down to her chin....she wears them on the side but always sweeping them with her hands........won't even let me cut them.......she puts her hands up like claws and eyes wide open.....says awful things....I back off.....yesterday, (only cause I feel so bad) took care of arrangements (Cemetery) and transferred her plot to another location where 2 years ago she said it would be nice to be buried next to each other, Im so glad we had that conversation.....and it was a bid difficult but I have Peach of Mind knowing if something happens to me, she won't be at that lonely grave but near me, cause we have always been close......she carries all her bank statements in her purse now.....I told her if someone steals her purse, they have all her bank information......WHY ARE YOU SO INTERESTED, she replied......Im so glad.....I sent my brother the above info......didn't even respond......I'll NEVER forget this.....IM SORRY,,,,,but this is hard to believe.....our Mom raised us to Love......I don't understand, and Im moving on......I actually wrote him off when Mom was in Hospital....(when this all began, March 06......I was in her Hospital room at the foot of her bed.....she looked like she was melting.....she was so weak......I called him......and said COME!!!!!...no, Im not coming till 3/2......wifes b-day was the 1st....I know the real reason......I lost it.....I'LL GET A COURT ORDER.....it did no good.....but that day I lost a brother, I wrote him off that day. As long as I e-mail him, its like rewarding a bad behavior......I've begged him to call her each week.....he knows shes getting worse.....WHY? It doesn't matter, it is what it is.......she needs a physical......but won't go......she starts hyperventilating when she accidently finds a check for her daycare.....Im so afraid to upset her and it doesn't take much anymore. My health has really declined, don't think this med is working fron shrink......ache all over, numb hands for 3 wks now....surprised Im hitting the keyboard keys.....can't feel them......Thx for listening Fil, and everyone else.....Z

ps: she knows what real $$$$ is......but she did pull out an Insurance card the other day to pay for lunch.....oh well.....

Dear Zoey,
Friend Filomena gives you excellent advice. Please, try to heed some of it. You Mom cannot, in her present state, allow you to care for her. It is ruining your own health.

Have you contacted Medicare?? If she has to go to ER first, then take her there.

Do you have a doctor, other than the psyche?? Stress should not cause numbness for three weeks. This site shows 32 reasons for numb hands/fingers:
http://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/symptoms/hand_numbness/causes.htm

maebee....the shrink is for ME......Mom stopped all dr's in Nov.....she stated......IM FINE, I DON'T NEED A DR......the last dr. visit for her was just me and the dr....she wouldn't go, he said....by law I cannot give out meds if she is not going to show up.......I told her today, we need to get a physical.......IM FINE.....its alwas IM FINE.....yest. she said.....put this bowl in the sink....real mean like.....I walked outside.....she threw it out on the driveway, yes, it broke......I told her....Thats never to happen again !!!!! Does anyone elses LO's have rage/anger problems....????? why are some so sweet, and others so mean......? Im disgusted with myself, I have been mad, angry and even resentful towards....of all people...my Mother....I hate this job, I've actually said to Mom....Lets go find you an apt. at the Senior Apts....they have a Sr. Center right next to it......but then reality hits me, I feel STUCK.....don't get me wrong.....I Love Mom dearly.....its just there is no help.....I want to be free, I want to just get in my car and go.....anywhere.....Calif....its only a dream.....