What a week, I lost my job and I put my stepmom in a facility. It was a good thing for both her and my 85 year old father - but mainly good for her. Her 5 children live out of state and have really not been involved but so far I guess they are trusting me to do what's right. Two of them have gotten a big pass because they have been fighting for their own lives. Her son lost his battle today and his wife called and asked me to tell my stepmom. I've thought this over all day and know that first I must talk to the nurses etc. of the facility about it. Then if they agree that it's ok, I'll have to tell her that her son has died. She's probably a 6/7 on the chart so I guess I really don't know how she will take it and how much she will retain. Has anyone had to do this? I guess I'm wondering down deep, should I tell her at all? What do I say? I guess the staff or perhaps her doctor will help me with the decision about telling her or not. So how do I tell her this and how will I tell her when the only sister that I've ever had loses her battle too?

Does your step mom remember "her" kids? When was the last time that her kids seen her? How often does your step mom bring up her kids,,or grandkids,,ect.

Its not necessary that you discuss this with the aides at the facility,,,you have to decide if you really should tell your step mom,,cause if she has just been placed into a facility,,I'm sure that its upsetting to her to be in a "new setting".

I think if I were in your posistion,,,I "would not" tell my step mother that one of her children has just died. At least not yet.

I mean after all,,do you plan on taking her to the funeral,,since its out of town. I highly doubt it. Nope,,don't tell her a word.

IF she is at a more advanced state,,just try to be kind and keep her happy and comfortable and as stress free as possible. I wish you and the family well. Peace

I would not tell her either.. There's no purpose. At this stage (or even earlier).

Her children only exist when they are in front of her (and then she maythink they're her brothers and sisters or even uncles and aunts..)

If she has any understanding, it will only make the last year(s) of her life sadder.

Make sure your stepsiblings understand your decision so that if they visit,they don't talk to her about his death.

I tell my mother that her dead sister is in Colorado with her daughter-- makes me happy to imagine it...

I agree, there is no point in telling her. It will only cause her grief, and that's something she doesn't need.

We faced this issue last year when my sister passed away. At that point, Mom was still well enough to understand and attend the funeral. At her stage now, there is no way I would tell her. Most days Mom doesn't remember that my sister is gone, so if Mom happens to remember something about her we just talk about that and then go on about our business. Why cause her the pain when she won't understand it enough to get through the grieving process? All she will know is that something bad has happened but won't have the coping skills to deal with it. I have no qualms anymore about not being totally honest with Mom. (Took a long time to get there!) But now it's about keeping her calm and secure........

Dear Stepkid,
What a terribly emotional week for you!
I am so sorry about your job and I send my sympathies on the loss of your Stepbrother.

I agree with all of the advice above. Even if SM starts asking about him, I would simply say he is away, or something of the kind. I would also inform the Family of your decision, and ask that they respect it. On second thought, since they are not involved in their birth Mother's care, I would probably wait until/if they ask. I agree with Raven also, that you need not consult the aides.

I would not tell her. What is the point? I firmly believe now that if information is NOT going to improve their life, it is not necessary. This includes deaths, injuries, and even the local news! Since AD patients process information differently, who knows what is being retained regarding even local events!?! A flood in another state could mean a flood outside, even if it is sunny and not raining!

My mothers only sister passed away last year, and one my of siblings thought it was necessary to tell Mom even though she would not be going to the funeral. All it did was upset my Mothe AND they continued to 'ask her if she 'missed' her sister', until I put an end to it. NO more bad news for Mom anymore. NONE!

Like others have said if she happens to mention her son, just tell her "He is a wonderful man/boy" and then ask what she would like for lunch. Sounds deceptive perhaps, but their reality and ours is much different.

I went to see my stepmom today and I agree with all of you. I'm not going to tell her. She certainly won't be going to the funeral - already been through that traveling nightmare with her. Her kids are all out of town and the only time she has talked to them is when I've dialed the phone for her.

Ok, I've learned my lesson - not going to to try and get her kids involved any more and will read more of the posts and know what I will do and what I won't do when it comes to her.

Thank you all so much.

I agree.....if she never brings his name up, she may not remember him anyway.....why cause any EXTRA....problems.....pls. don't be offended, I ask my Mom every 2-3 wks if she wants to go see her brother in a N/H (since 2005)....she says NO!!!! A year ago she would say maybe tomarrow......now, she is almost worse than him.....at least he is on meds, where she stopped all hers in Nov.....including the heart meds.....take care friend.....ZOEY

You did the right thing, stepkid. You tell her only good things. Nice things. Things that might make her happy. She doesn't understand much any way. --Jim

I'm so glad your stepmom has you. I agree you did the exact right thing. Even if you did tell her, she wouldn't remember and you'd have to tell her over and over. And she'd have to live it over and over. My brother also died (before moms diagnosis) and mom can't remember it. It's one of the hardest thing's we deal with. She rarely mentions him but if she does, I say, "I haven't seen him lately" or something.

My mom is at the moderate stage and I told her about my aunt and other relatives dying and it didn't seem to phase her nor does she appear to remember what I even told her...just tell her as you might a 5-8 year old; simple, to the point, the end. If she wants informtion in addition (like a child) answer briefly i.e. he/she has gone to heaven (depending on your religious affiliation) but simple....

Bela

My MIL gets mad & says she is going to go & stay with her brother who has been dead for 20 years. When we tell her that she says 'nobody ever told me'. I think we are going to stop telling her he is dead & try to come up with another explanation. She never mentions her husband of 45 years who died in 1999. This past week while we were gone on vacation - which will never happen again if we have to take her - she said 'we have 5 generations now Mom, Me, Jim (her son, my husband) & the baby he was holding (her great grandaughter). She left out the mother of the baby our daughter, her grandaughter. Her mom has been dead since 1956/57. Then she counted again & said that it was only 4 generations. We just let that one go by without a comment. We are having a hard time dealing with her lately and we are becoming very frustrated while doing so and we both know she will get even worse. She has mentioned leaving her 2 suitcases behind & I have showed them to her at least 4 times today alone. She denies taking her medications, which I saw her do. How do you other people cope without going crazy?

Hi Stepkid,
I know it's not(remotely)in the same category - but I just last week had to put down one of my dogs - an 18 y/0 (!) english setter.
I didn't tell her (mom, that is). And, believe it ot not, mom has not mentioned the dog. Not even once. Not even to ask where she is.
My reply was going to be that she was in the doggy hospital - but I've not had to say anything.
Go figure.

I had to tell my mom that one of my sisters died and she cried so hard we had to give her something to calm her down . Thankfully she forgot about it the next day and we did not have any more problems but the day I told her it was bad. Her doctor said we should have just not said anything but I worried that she would find out and then be angry that I did not tell her. Just be prepared with the nurses being able to give her something if it really hits her hard good luck

Mom is the last sibling out of 12 children. She is 82. Her baby sister passed and we took her to the funeral of course. Now she says that she knows her sister is gone but doesn't remember the funeral. It makes her feel so bad and she asks if she is crazy. I just tell her that she was ill on that day and the meds made her forget. Thats a lie of course but she accepts the explanation.
We have kept alot of bad things from Mom. Why tell her. She did talk to her sister every week so we had to tell her about her death. We keep everything from her. She deserves to be calm and not worry about anything. We tell her everything is good and everyone is just fine. Her answer is always "Thank God".

I need to send out an email to her kids about not telling her and will explain why. Chances are pretty good that none of them will travel here to see her or try to call but I guess that's what I will worry about in the back of my mind.

I have another question for you all. Her sister is in a nursing home - I believe that she has Alzheimer's as well. They haven't spoken for years but I was wondering about some sort of communication between the two of them. I talked to her sisters daughter in law and we talked about a phone conversation but my stepmom really doesn't much care for talking on the phone - never has. This just doesn't sound like a good idea but perhaps someone else has suggestions.

Thanks for all of your replies, suggestions, comforting words. They mean a lot to me. You all are very special people and are in my prayers always.