I asked my brother to sit at my house tonight and watch my Mom because I was invited out tonight with some friends. While I was out I ran into some people I know, one was my Mom's doctor. He offered to buy some wine and talk to me. I called my brother and asked if he could stay an hour longer (longer than the two hours I told him I would be). He said no because his wife wanted him home so I had to leave and go home. I can't remember the last time I went out with friends. I am with Mom 24/7. My sister in law rented a movie and was very upset with my brother because he was sitting with my Mom so I could have a night out. Do you believe how selfish this b***h is. I had to tell my friends, who I rarely see, that I had to go home at 8:00 because my sister in law wanted to watch a movie with my brother. My brother didn't have the guts (for lack of better words) to tell his wife that he needed to sit with his mother for an extra hour so his sister who is a full time caregiver could stay out an hour longer and enjoy herself for the first time in a long time. How selfish is family. Here's the kicker....my sister in law is a nurse in an Alzheimer's unit. You think she would understand. I had to leave my friends behind and come home so my brother could go home and watch a movie with his selfish b***h of a wife. Sorry for the language but I am at the end of my rope and in tears.

Christine,

Come vent - we understand!!!!!

You have every right to feel angry.

I can tell you -- I've seem some really bad nurses at the nursing home. I can't even imagine how some of them ended up nursing in the first place. Your sister-in-law sounds like one of them.

Christine,
Sorry your night out was so short. Would your brother and his wife perhaps agree to pay for a home health aide to stay with your Mom for 4-5 hours so that you could go out for a more reasonable amount of time in the future?
Your Mom is really lucky to have you.

Vent away dear. Sometimes when I read these post, I wish we all lived near by. How wonderful that would be if we could all help each other out. My friends are all going to the taping of the Bonnie Hunt show tomorrow. I can't go. My caregiver only stays for 6 hours, one day a week. So right now I'm feeling sorry for myself. Maybe next time tell your brother to bring his b***h of a wife with him. They can watch a movie with mom. Sorry you had to cut your evening short.

Vent away! We understand your frustration. However, I do like jellybeans idea: Perhaps they should BOTH come over once a week for four hours (or longer) to give you a break from your caregiving. Or, make that twice a week......
No reason on earth that they can't. They have days off from their jobs, don't they? Why shouldn't you have time off from taking care of mom?

Thanks for understanding. I am having a terrible night where I feel I never want to speak to anyone again. I feel like I never want to ask my brother for help again. I rather struggle and pay someone than ask them for help. I wonder if they will shed tears after my Mom is gone. They would never both come over for four hours. That would be asking too much. I guess I am prideful but I swear I won't ask my brother again. The whole reason my SIL was upset was because this was her night off and she wanted to spend it with my brother. Her next night off isn't until Monday. At least she gets a night off. I haven't had one off for five years! You guys are so wonderful. Thank you for being my friends and letting me vent. I just can't shake this tonight and can't get any sleep. I am so upset. I just blew up at a 'friend" who sided with my SIL. BTW, my brother has been married for 38 years. Would it really be such a hardship for her not to watch a movie with him tonight?

Thanks again for understanding. I guess I am more upset than usual because I had to much wine to drink.

Now THAT sounds like a plan, "Because she's my mom!"

Your brother & SIL should come over at least once a week to give you a break for a few hours. This is something that you DESERVE and NEED.

If they don't want to do that, then let them pay for a home health aide to come and sit with your Mom.

I'm really sorry that you had to cut your evening short because of the selfishness of your SIL!!! Come here and vent anytime!!

Keep on asking your brother. In fact, why don't you make out a "schedule" for him. I say this because that's what I had to do for awhile with my sibling, or that sibling would never have done ANYTHING! I, too, felt like never asking again. But then I realized that would be playing right into the game......if I never asked, they never had to "do". So, I didn't "ask", I just set up a schedule, and told them she's their mom too, and which day of the week will you be here.
It worked.

Of course, now that mom is in a care home, they haven't visited in two years. But that's their problem, and they will have to live with it when that good old "Judgement Day" comes!

Christine,

Don't feel bad for venting. That's what we're here for. You deserve a break, and I have a hard time with siblings that don't get what 24/7 caregivers go through. Do whatever you need to in order to survive.

Hope tomorrow is a better day!

I am sending a big hug your way! I have been in your position and thought I would just find someone else to "sit" once in a while. But after many blow-outs with my brother, he has come to understand my situation. I have a "schedule" for him and have insisted on visits/care from other family members. It hurts so much when you think others don't care. Some just don't "get it" and it sounds like your sister in law is very insensitive.

I'd tell your SIL how I felt about it. And she could have brought the movie over to your house to watch with her husband.

Whatever... My sister is a nurse and would have nothing to do with the dying process of our mother. She was running errands, in fact, and would not come to the NH when Mom died. She did show up afterward, after I had to tell Dad what had happened before he walked into the room. He's been eating lunch when she passed.

My sister was supposed to have been the one to tell him. She told me she would.

Just because a person is a nurse doesn't mean that they have a single drop of human kindness. I've met some excellent nurses and I've met the other kind. Sounds like we are related to the other kind.

Well that certainly a "real shame" to say the least. You should make an opportunity to go over to your brothers house,,soon,,,and confront him and his wife about the lack of concern of him coming over and sitting and caring for his own Mother so that you,,the 24/7 caregiver can have an occasional break.

Also,,have you checked with your local council on aging,,or senior resources about getting someone to come in for a few hours in the evening,,so that you can go out for awhile?

IF you've not checked into that,,,please do so.

Definitely vent away. I'm so sorry you had to cut your night short. I know how hard it is to feel like you have no life and when you finally get a night out, to have to cut it short. I agree with the others that said maybe you should have a regular schedule with your brother for once a week. He needs to help out. You're not an only child. Please tell your brother how you felt about this, but wait until you calm down.

I love Rosemarie's thought. Could you imagine if many of us lived close enough to each other to be able to help out? It seems like we've all been through so many of the same things with our LO's that we could be of great help to each other. I would completely trust someone to help me out with my mother if they were going through the same thing.

For 12 years that I had my mom & 2 brothers I can count on my hands how many times BOTH helped. I am telling you to speak up NOW. Tell your dear SIL next time you plan to go out they have 2 choices, one take mom to their home or bring the movie to watch at your home. Make them realize you have a life too. Do they have any sons? Bring that fact home to them too. I am so sick of sibblings that just sit back let us do it all & claim to care about them as well. Believe me because I have been through it , they will be the first to criticize. Good luck & speak up now!

I have tried to correct this situation with my 5 siblings from every angle. I asked them to help (I should say begged), I gave them specific lists on what I needed help with, I threatened to stop doing anything at all if they didn't help. Nothing worked. I haven't spoken a word to 4 of my siblings since April 2009. The fifth one has been a saint since then. She won't initiate anything on her own, but will help if I ask. Very sad. I always felt that my mother's illness would either bring us together or pull us apart. I feel like I've lost my whole family.

I think what I would do is ask for a longer amount of time, if you only need two hours, say that you will be gone for three or four hours. That way they will have to adjust to your schedule and you will have enough time to do what you want. I also like the idea of telling them you will hire a caregiver for a few hours and they are to help pay for their mother's care. Make a regular schedule for yourself to be off, every week, every other day. It doesn't sound like you are able to get out regularly, it's time to make yourself a priority.

I'm sorry your family was so inconsiderate of you. Karma bites back eventually.

Christine, I'm sending hugs your way, too, and also making a gesture that's intended for your brother and his wife. I see your post is from FL so I know your SIL is not working in my mother's unit.

Who manages your mother's finances? If it's you, why not pay for someone to come in on a regular basis so that you get respite? (That would probably get your brother's attention.) If it's your brother who manages the money, well then, you've got some negotiating to do and I'd say you're on higher ground.

You have every right to be supremely irritated.

In looking at my previous reply, scratch the word "ask"...tell them you are taking such and such amount of time, period.

How wonderful you all are. Great advice and I appreciate the hugs and laughed about the gesture from Aunt Nonnie. Yes, I too wished we all lived closer. Two years ago I did have it out with SIL. She told me it is my choice to care for my Mom and that she would not help. It's okay however, for my brother to support and help her Mother (another story). As for the schedule, I love the idea tried it in the past. They never kept it as something always came up for them. As for them paying for anything, that will never, never happen but I don't want to get started on that subject.

I will try to speak to my brother privately but he will side with his wife. I guess I just need to accept that this is just the way she is and let her live with her decisions. You know you reap what you sow and she has two sons. Time will tell.

Thank you all again for your love, comforting words and encouragement. How wonderful you all are.

Christine, your Mom is really lucky to have you.
Personally, I think that you can't force relatives to help out, you can ask/beg/suggest, but that's it. They could, they should, but they won't.
Your brothers are missing out on some very special time with your Mom. It's their loss and your gain.

ChristineC,
I know exactly what you're feeling, because today has been one of "those days" with my sibs also. From my own experience and also threads on here - I had adopted the view of "being an only child" and trying to handle it all. If they volunteered help great -if not, than I don't need you. This does help with the inner feelings I had with them Not helping what-so-ever....but, I still have pent-up anger ~~ Mom is Not just my Mom ~ did they not have the same parents (that doted, loved and took care of them?) that I did? I don't ask any of them for help...period. My husband, his daughter, and a part-time caregiver fill-in when I can't be hands-on. Right now I'm planning to increase the caregiver time a bit every week to compensate for their lack of involvement.

I haven't posted much in the past, but the situation is getting worse and NO one, but the wonderful folks on this site can understand the tremendous toll this takes on caregiver's social life.....PLEASE Vent away for All of US!!

Vent away sweet lady. I was just wondering if some of the caregivers on this web site live near you and could help. It's just a thought. Most are burdoned but not all. I know you are getting too much advice. That's where I am right now. Just had nine days of hospital for wife with it. Everyone knows all the answers until I need more wine than you have had.
Love gil

Just to give you an update. I called my brother to tell him how hurt I was with what happened. He explained his wife was having a bad day and didn't mean to be insensitive and that it shouldn't upset me (too late!). I told him my point of view about how this is on me 24/7, etc, etc. He did apologize and told me to call him whenever I need help. I felt better, but I do know he has to stick up for his wife and she was still wrong. I can't dwell on it I have a million other things going on...Mom is hollering from the bedroom, gotta run. Thank you all so much

Oh, sweetie! I'm glad he called, but sorry you didn't have any better resolution. We are all here for you!

oh my gosh sweetie,
I have had the same issues with my brothers for the last 4 years. Mom lived with dad, and they are 3 hours away. 3 guesses as to who has been therefor: almost all vacations from work, holidays, weekends etc. when dad needed help. It has only been in the last month, sept that they stepped up to the plate and only because dad was diagnosed with cancer and doesn't have a long term prognosis. I can't tell you the frustration I have felt traveling on weekends when I knew dad needed help and brothers couldn't or wouldn't be bothered. At this time though, I wouldn't trade of my time with my parents. The are getting involved when mom doesn't even really know who they are.
You so deserve to get out! I agree with jelly beans, have your brother pay for a caregever at least once a week for you to get out! That is if he won't help. It is his mother too. Does he think he was hatched from an egg in a cabbage patch????
YOu need to take care of yourself to be a good caregiver for your mom.
I am behind you!!! And if sil works with ad patients , why the he-- isn't she there to help out too??
Put a regular respite schedule in place, be assertive. If your brother won't do it, put the responsibility on him for finding and paying for a caregiver.
I will have a glass of wine for you!
And take heart, in all of the frustrations of caregiving, you no doubt have had some treasured moments and your brother has missed out..
Wonder who will take the time to be a caregiver for him or his wife in old age???

Wow, can we join the vent session? You are absolutely entitled to some 'down' time no matter how you want to spend it. Maybe you should give SIL a little call in the middle of the night when mom is yelling for you, or takes her pants off and goes to the bathroom or getting into pots and pans because she has to bake something , or trying to get out of the house, etc. We, too, have 5 other siblings within 15 minutes, 2 on adjoining properties and only one helps at her convenience because she's so busy (no children at home, and works 2 5-hour days a week). Because we 'volunteered' to move in to take care of mom. The fact is mom was blocking the doors with chairs at night, trying to nail the drapes shut, not taking pills, meals on wheels on the porch because she never heard the knock, never cleaned her or the house, just on and on....but we volunteered. We do have a retired nurse who is a sweetie, help a couple days a week with baths and she dotes on her, checks on her and it gives my husband a break while I work. As far as family helping (its my husbands mother), one won't come near because we told them to get their dog out of the house. We, too, missed a little harvest party tonight because the rest went to a high school football game. We carved a couple pumpkins, mom watched, wanted to help, decided to eat some of the pumpkin guts, and we just made it silly. I did post here while my hubby is getting mom ready for bed, and spitting on the floor, so that was our night too. We didn't get the wine but you know that the little time that you had at your party, you cherished more than your brother did with his movie and nasty wifey. You know that she's like that with him all the time and you'll never have to put up with that! (wink) You have found some very caring, understanding people here and we all are so fortunate to have found each other. We all have different versions of the same madness. Wish we were closer because we'd help you out too. `hugs` Wendy & Rick

There's a little devilish side of me that would have ignored brother and just stayed out. What would he do? Leave Mom alone? Chances are he has been late coming to care for Mom when you needed him to at least once. Return the favor.

You need to stand up for yourself. Make a schedule. "I will be here with Mom during these hours. It's up to you to figure out the rest." In a perfect world, I'd ask for one full evening off -- say 5 to 11 pm per week, a 12-hour stretch on a weekend day, and a 36 hours (Sat morn to Sunday evening) once a month. If you don't take care of yourself, he'll be taking care of Mom 24/7. This is a much better deal for him. He can either be with her himself, convince a responsible member of the family or a close friend to sit with her, or pay for a caregiver. The choice is his.

And yes, I am having an "I am woman -- Hear me roar!" kind of day!

Vent away Christine!! But happy your brother is now willing to help. You deserve time away for yourself. I have had similar issues with my sibs. I am closest in distance to my ADLO so of course I am able to help every weekend. But you would think the rest of my sibs lived on Mars. One brother has not visited in over a year. I emailed them with "next few months" and asked them to let me know their availability to come visit and help. That went no where as I should have expected. In family conference calls asking for help was always on the agenda. They all say they would look at their schedules. Again, nothing. My Mom said something to me that hit me so hard. She said "the only positive thing about AD is that your father isn't aware his children are not coming to visit him". My father never missed ANY event in our lives as children or adults or in our children's lives. And they don't live in the same town as any of us. It broke my heart. I was so fed up that I said on the next sib conf call - "if Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, would you be coming to visit him then?" There was silence. My sister said it hit home to her and did not think about AD in that same way. They have now committed to visits. Sometimes it takes a bold statement for sibs to not only realize as children it is the right thing to do but also to realize that now is the time to be with our Dad while he is still able to laugh and be a part of life. And to give the caregivers a break every once and a while. Take care Christine and all.

To all my wonderful friends in this forum, guess what happened? In June I entered a national caregiver contest. You had to write an essay telling about your experience as a caregiver. When I submitted the essay, My Mom was still eating and walking and not half as bad as she is now (she took a turn for the worse in July). Anyway, I won the contest. I won $2500.00 in free caregiving from the local Home Instead Agency. Do you believe that. I met with them and gave them a schedule of when I need help for the month of November. Tuesday night I'm going out to celebrate my birthday and didn't have to ask my brothers. I now have a free caregiver to help me. According to Hospice Mom won't make it to the end of the year so I might never use all $2500, but what a blessing from God winning has been. The essay is published in the November issue of Caring Today. I will post a link once I get it. Thank you all and I understand your ranting as well. It seems we all have the same problems with our family.

WOW. Congrats Catherine! Talk about Karma.

I am so happy for you!!!

I am so happy for you Christine...I actually cried for joy for you...can relate!
God bless you!

Woo hoo! Way to go girl! Have a BLAST tonight -- and happy birthday!

How wonderful ! Congrats Couldn't have happened to a more deserving person. Enjoy your birthday celebration and do something decadent

Blessings!

Wow, that's a true meaning of things always have a way of working out. I am so happy for you, congrats. It couldn't have come at a better time for you. Today is Tuesday, it must be birthday day. Happy birthday - celebrate your heart out!

Wonderful news, Christine, you are very deserving. Please enjoy this wonderful gift, somebody up there is looking out for you.