I haven't posted for a long time, my heart was not in it. My husband is now at a nursing home because of advancing Alheimer's and other health problems that I cannot help him with. He gets very aggitated at night, and was sent to the hospital for medication. Now he sleeps during the day and is up most of the night. He now longer knows me as I am now, he seems to remember my name and that I was important to him, and that is pretty much it. I am heartbroken because he is going though this terrible disease and I cannot be of much help now. In addition to what is happening with my husband, my Mom has been feeling ill and having problems and must have a colonoscopy and I worry about her. I am mostly alone with the exception of my daughter, who is great, but she works full time. I have a sister in Florida. So as I said I am alone and feel so depressed a lot, mostly in the evening. How do you all handle the depression. I do try to be active and with others. This doesn't always help.

I've been thinking about ways to alleviate depression too. One tried and true help is to set a timer for 20 minutes and then write freely and honestly about what's troubling you. Do this once a day until you definitely feel better.

This is a good partner for the rubber band technique. Since you know you're devoting a full 20 minutes a day to what's troubling you, it's best to NOT think about any negative thoughts or feelings the other 23 hours and 40 minutes a day. Start by making a list of a few thoughts that actually feel good. (They can be totally unrealistic fantasies and can include things you'd NEVER want to confess to anyone!)

Then every day you wear a loose rubber band on one wrist. When you catch yourself thinking some "downer" thought ("I'm so depressed," "My husband hardly knows me any more," "I've really lost my husband now," etc.) -- snap the rubber band against your wrist lightly and say "Cancel cancel." This is to remind yourself to switch to one of the pleasant thoughts -- or if you can't think of anything pleasant, a NEUTRAL thought. (The author of "Depression is a Choice" says the neutral thought that worked for her was "green frogs" -- which still amuses me.

It sounds a bit loony but works remarkably well, especially when you also do the 20-minute journal writing. Now to take my own advice....

quote:

Originally posted by SA Bartlett:
Now he sleeps during the day and is up most of the night.

Since you tend to feel loneliest in the evenings, and that's when he's up and about, could you visit at that time of day?

Do you think you might like to try therapy? Or maybe your doctor could prescribe an antidepressant. Neither one will make everything fine and dandy, but could help you feel better.

Caregiver's Depression
Interesting choice of words.
You do have a lot to be depressed about.
But one problem is that you are not able to caregive more due to where he is at.
I assume that you visit him regularly, if not daily...but even though it is important to you, it contributes to your depression.

So you need to caregive.
But for someone else, and not necessarily the elderly.
Volunteer for at least 2hrs a week to care for newborns, children, animals, etc.

It worked for me. It was wonderful, I would hold, change and feed newborns. I never had kids. Currently I cannot leave Lupe alone to do it. But someday when I get my life back, it will determine where I live. I will only live in an area where volunteering with babies is available.

YOu will find that a lot of us have caregiver's depression - The inability to let go of the sadness even when you are not around the LO. I cannot post at work but I find myself coming to this site at work all the time. I try to explain to my friends how difficult this is (my mother has not even reached the truly awful stages yet) and they do not understand - no one but another caregiver understands that it is the "burden" of caregiving, not the acutal duties that make us depressed. Always wondering if we are doing the right thing, always wishing things were different and that this was someone elses burden. knowing that you need to be more patient and less snappy. knowing you are doing the best you can but your best should really be better...

While your husband may not know exactly who you are (my mom thinks I'm her sister), he does know that you are someone who loves him and cares about him. The sound of your voice, the touch of your hand are what's important.

My depression eased a bit when I realized I had no control over the disease and realized that my mom is still my mom whom I love dearly.

Try to notice the little things that make you feel good. The other day was a beautiful day outside....fall is in the air, the sun was shining and I took a few minutes to just enjoy. This past week I also went to an outdoor shopping center to get my mom some shoes. The place wasn't crowded and I realized I had not been shopping in some time. Got my moms shoes, browsed the stores, had coffee and a muffin outdoors and really enjoyed myself.

Think of things that you enjoy and try to do something every day...even a short walk and keep your mind focused on positive thoughts. Take it one day at a time and remember the moments that bring a smile to your face.

We wouldn't be normal if we did not experience times of depression....but recognizing it is the first step in finding those moments of joy.

quote:

Originally posted by Cathy J. M.:

quote:

Originally posted by SA Bartlett:
Now he sleeps during the day and is up most of the night.

Since you tend to feel loneliest in the evenings, and that's when he's up and about, could you visit at that time of day?

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Anita Porpoise:
Caregiver's Depression
Interesting choice of words.
You do have a lot to be depressed about.
But one problem is that you are not able to caregive more due to where he is at.
I assume that you visit him regularly, if not daily...but even though it is important to you, it contributes to your depression.

So you need to caregive.
But for someone else, and not necessarily the elderly.
Volunteer for at least 2hrs a week to care for newborns, children, animals, etc.

It worked for me. It was wonderful, I would hold, change and feed newborns. I never had kids. Currently I cannot leave Lupe alone to do it. But someday when I get my life back, it will determine where I live. I will only live in an area where volunteering with babies is available.[/QUOTE Great Idea.

quote:

Originally posted by in the moment:
While your husband may not know exactly who you are (my mom thinks I'm her sister), he does know that you are someone who loves him and cares about him. The sound of your voice, the touch of your hand are what's important.

My depression eased a bit when I realized I had no control over the disease and realized that my mom is still my mom whom I love dearly.

Try to notice the little things that make you feel good. The other day was a beautiful day outside....fall is in the air, the sun was shining and I took a few minutes to just enjoy. This past week I also went to an outdoor shopping center to get my mom some shoes. The place wasn't crowded and I realized I had not been shopping in some time. Got my moms shoes, browsed the stores, had coffee and a muffin outdoors and really enjoyed myself.

Think of things that you enjoy and try to do something every day...even a short walk and keep your mind focused on positive thoughts. Take it one day at a time and remember the moments that bring a smile to your face.

We wouldn't be normal if we did not experience times of depression....but recognizing it is the first step in finding those moments of joy.

Thank you so much, to know he still knows I am someone who loves him makes me feel better. I hug him, hold his hand.

I thank you all. Your ideas are really helpful.
I am just so overwhelmed by what Alzheimer's is doing to my husband. He is losing weight, his face is so thin. The other day he saw me and put out his arms for a hug, I thought does he know me? I am devistated seeing his deterioration and remember the young man I married, and tears just flow. I miss him more now then when he was home and I was so tired, I didn't know what way was up. Now I can realize that I am losing someone I love very much and it feels pretty terrible. My Mom, I do worry about her, but we have talked and there are a hundred reasons why she is having her problems, and hoping for a good report. I am sure all of you have or are going through this and I thank you for being there. Shar PS I did give him hugs and held his hand.

Cathy has a good idea about dealing with depression. Yes, make it a choice. Some people actually choose not to be depressed. Some can do it. Not everyone. But it's worth a try. And also take life one day at a time. Try to salvage something meaningful from each day. I haven't read the book mentioned by Cathy. But I will. Sounds like it reflects my kind of thinking. --Jim

Wow, what a fabulous idea.

quote:

Originally posted by Anita Porpoise:
Caregiver's Depression

So you need to caregive.
But for someone else, and not necessarily the elderly.
Volunteer for at least 2hrs a week to care for newborns, children, animals, etc.

It worked for me. It was wonderful, I would hold, change and feed newborns. I never had kids. Currently I cannot leave Lupe alone to do it. But someday when I get my life back, it will determine where I live. I will only live in an area where volunteering with babies is available.

It does seem as if we're going through this long, long grieving process -- that ebbs and flows. Sometimes that feels awful, but I'm not sure the alternative -- losing a LO completely suddenly and unexpectedly -- would really be better. It's a fantasy I've had and that I imagine most of us have had -- "just let it be over right now" -- but I think that I'd probably feel even worse.

One of our new caregivers went through that about a year ago. Her husband suddenly died -- no warning at all. I think in some ways it's been even harder for her because of that.

Anyway, here we are and it is what it is.

One more thing. About a year ago I was overflowing with sadness about my partner's memory loss, and on a routine visit to my doctor I started to cry and said "I feel as if I'm losing her." The nurse said "Yes, you ARE losing her."

Oddly enough, this was actually comforting. I guess it was because the situation was acknowledged. My partner was 87 at the time; what did I expect? Immortality? I've been sad off and on since, but that one reply took some of the edge off.

Again thanks to everyone for all their kind advise, I will try. It doesn't do me or my husband any good to be depressed, even though it is hard not to be. Shar

I read a string of suggestion for your depression. You indeed have some reasons to be sad, depressed. I do not know if medication would help you but I see a therapist once a month and take antidepressants which help a lot.

This is disease is nothing but sad and difficult and not many people who does not live with it can understand. This is one of circumstances that make me feel alone. My small group of friends cannot possibly imagine what this is like, which is another form of being alone.

Do you have access to a support group near you that you can attend. That is where I am off to this morning.

Hope you find some ways to break through your depression. Good luck and take care,