Hello;
My Fathers dementia has him combative, agitated and sometimes violent. Right now he was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for this. Here more than other places he was in (assisted living, behavioral centers) when I go to leave he gets more and more upset and this time he was angry. Insisted that he was to come with me. Usually I come up with a story and it works he quiets down and I leave. Not this time.
I’m beginning to think I should not go to often until he can be release and or places in permanent facility. Currently I only go twice a month because it’s a 2-hour ride one way and visiting hours are limited to specific times of the day.
Should I not go to visit him? For the most part he knows who I am and is usually pleasant during my visit, until I made to leave.
The staff didn’t ask me not to visit but I feel I’m making my Dad more agitated and just don’t know what goes on when I leave. I want him out and if he continues to be agitated then he’ll not be released.
I like being the familiar face that my Dad sees and knows, I’m the only one that goes to see him and that continually recognizes.
Do I need to keep away?

Gee,

It doesn't seem to me that twice a month is too often. If I were you, I'd call after you get home to see how long it takes your dad to settle down. If he is still upset after 2 hours, then call the next day to see how he's doing. This way, you'll know better how your visits are affecting him.

If he still recognizes you and enjoys your time together until you leave, I wouldn't stay away. That's my opinion. I'd like to hear what others think.

Hi Gee, It is nice meeting you in the chat room last night..I want to welcome you back to this board. I feel badly for you that your Dad's disease has him acting the way he does. Do you know if they are giving him medications for these symptoms?
If you want to visit go for it. If he still remembers you it would be important for you to go while he does. Just connecting and maybe not staying for a long time would be a good idea.

There are so many things that can trigger unpleasant behavior I would not let that keep you away unless the doctor tells you it is not good for him.

My Dad passed from something else but we were close and I know I wanted to spend time with him while he was still here. So, my thoughts are with you. Stay strong

Your friend, a fan of Jim's steaks.

I think a conversation with the staff who cares for him would be in order. They do not necessarily need to make the decision for you, but their input could be very helpful. If Mom is agitated when I have to leave the NH, one of the staff members distracts her for me. This may or may not be an option at the hospital, but any question is worth asking! Good luck to you.

Don't know if this would work with your dad, but:

With my mom, I would not announce that I was leaving. I could just say "Mom, I've got to go to the bathroom (get some water, etc.), I'll be right back" and leave, and she would not miss me because she wouldn't remember I was there.

Gee, I am having many of the same issues with my mother. She also got kicked out of her ALF and is in a psychiatric hospital. When I visit here, she is just awful. When I leave, she is worse. Last time she didn't calm down until the next day. I don't tell her I am leaving, I found that I have to sneak out, which probably makes it worse. She won't let me leave otherwise. I can't visit her every week as she is at minimum an hour away with no traffic, usually more than an hour. I don't own a car so I have to borrow one or rent one to go see her.

That being said, I did not go visit her last weekend, although my sister did. I do call and speak to the staff at the hospital daily. For some reason, my visits seem to set her off, but my sister's visits don't. She is at that horrible, agitated stage right now (hence the reason she is back in the hospital).

I do plan on visiting my mother this upcoming weekend, BUT... I will call first and see how she is. If she is really bad emotionally, I might wait another week. The fact that my visits seem to throw her off, I can't risk that again. After my last visit to her in the ALF, that's when she got out of control.

What I would do if I was you is call the staff again and see if your dad calmed down after you left. If he gets upset when you leave, but calms down immediately, then I see no harm in visiting him. Like others said, don't tell him you are leaving. Tell him you are going to the bathroom, or going to do something but you will be right back.

One trick that helps sometimes with leaving is to have HIM leave YOU.

In other words, time your visit to end about the time he would go to a meal or some activity he enjoys. Then as he leaves, you can say something like "I'm just going to straighten up a bit in here for you, Dad" and start fussing around with stuff like you are. Once he is happily engaged in his spaghetti and meatballs or bingo, you can slip out without a fuss.

It doesn't work for everyone, but I know several people for whom it has worked like a charm. We always visit Mom right before a meal, even though she is well past complaining about our leaving. It just feels less like "abandoning her" if she is in the company of the CNA who is feeding her when we leave, so it is easier on us as well.

Dear Gee: I am very sorry for what is happening. My mother had FrontoTemporal Dementia and that is all about behaviors, it took me awhile to learn some of the basics of handling her fury with me whenever I'd visit.

I found it valuable to request a multidisciplinary team meeting at the facility where we put together a care plan for my mother where we ALL took the same approach to the challenges at hand. We adjusted the plan as necessary.

One technique I found invaluable was that I NEVER visited her in her private room. I ALWAYS visited in the public great room area.

What I found was that when we were in Mom's room away from other eyes, she was beyond malicious and acted out in a malignant fury with me every time. No matter the love or intervention attempts, nothing helped this dynamic.

When we stayed in the public area with other people sitting nearby or walking through, though she wasn't "perfect" in behaviors, she was better. Evidently she was cognizant enough to not want others to witness her dreadful behaviors she threw out in private.

Also, if my mother had a silent urinary tract infection, it negatively affected her behavior in a huge way. She would have no pain or burning or frequency, just a huge increase in noxious behaviors. Once treated, things were a bit better. This is not uncommon in our loved ones.

Also, we found that my mother could not take Aricept. It caused her behavior to go "over the top." Later on I found that this was not a good med to use when FTD is present. (My mother was initally misdiagnosed as having Alz's.)

Finally, when nothing else would do and Mom's behavior was such that it was affecting her quality of life and all other interventions had failed, the Neurologist initiated Risperdal. What a blessing that medication was for my mother.

While her behaviors were not perfect on the medication, she was SO much better. This of course gave her a much better quality of life. If we are driven up the wall with their behavior, imagine what it is like to live inside their heads.

Finally, I had to give up visiting so frequently. Initially, I was the focus for much of her rage. (Later on she included my brother.) The facility social worker and other staff told me my mother's behavior was not nearly so over the top when family was not present. So, while I called every few days to see how Mom was, I did not go in as frequently.

Your Dad is getting a good workup and assessment. You will know what is right for him AND for yourself as he returns. Trust your instincts. There is no right or wrong, only what is appropriate under the circumstances with the challenges at hand.

I wish you the very best. Let us know how you are doing, we will be thinking of you.

Johanna C.

Is there any way you can tie in your visits to something routine, like mealtime, so that you can end your visit right when the meal is about to begin? I do this with my Dad and it works well. If he eats at 12:30, then I come around 10:00, we have a nice visit, I walk him into the dining hall, visit with some of his friends and then I have a natural "out" for leaving.

quote:

Originally posted by Grassflower:
Don't know if this would work with your dad, but:

With my mom, I would not announce that I was leaving. I could just say "Mom, I've got to go to the bathroom (get some water, etc.), I'll be right back" and leave, and she would not miss me because she wouldn't remember I was there.

Thank you so very much!
I would have never thought of this and my daughter told me why last night. I have the mind to try to always be truthful to him and I guess I can't because of how his mind is.
A BIG thank you!

Sometimes you just can't tell your LO the whole truth. It goes against everything you were taught all your life, but it is just too upsetting sometimes. I just tell Dad that I have everything handled and it will be okay.

One follow-on comment - my approach works because my mom's memory (short-term, long-term, in-between-term!) is shot due to Alz and vascular dementia.

Not all kinds of dementia are associated with severe memory loss. So if he has something other than Alz going on, this might not work.

quote:

Originally posted by Grassflower:
One follow-on comment - my approach works because my mom's memory (short-term, long-term, in-between-term!) is shot due to Alz and vascular dementia.

Not all kinds of dementia are associated with severe memory loss. So if he has something other than Alz going on, this might not work.

It doesn't work with my mother anymore. She remembers that I was there and then she freaks out when I'm gone.