This is my first time on this site. Our Doctor suggested that this is the best place to go for answers to questions, because it is lived by all here.

The problem is we have had my Dad for 6 years, he has alzheimers and he is progressively getting worse. We are talking about NH's and I have been crying for 3 days. I know the time has come, but when I look at him, my heart breaks!!! We take very good care of him and meet all his needs, but we are 66 yrs old and we are exhausted....We have caregivers that come to our home 6 days a week, but they're only here for a few hours and go home. Our life has been put on hold for the last 6 years and we would like to have it back for the reason being, we don't know how long we have to live. My husband is excellent with my Dad. He treats him like his own. My Husband is so tired all the time because my Dad never sleeps past 4am and gets up and wanders the house and gets into everything. We felt so bad last week when we put a lock on the refrigerator because he eats anything, he is constantly eating. He forgets he ate and gets very aggitated when you tell him no. He is always hungry. It breaks my heart to tell him no, but he is 225 lbs and just keeps gaining and gaining. We can hardly lift him anymore, even if it's getting out of a chair. Night after night my husband and I discuss how to make things easier, but nothing seems to work.
Since he is my Dad, I had to make the NH decision, because my husband is so sweet, he never would. We miss each other so much and want our life back, but I am so saddened with putting him in a NH...Will I ever get over this feeling of abandoning him????? I am just Heart Sick!

Hi arieslady, might I first say that I like your name. Us Aries are strong women! Secondly, I do not have any direct experience with placing in a NH because my loved one lives with me. However, we have had the discussion on here before and just tonight a nice program on ABC aired going along with what you said. I am single and not involved in any romantic relationship. If I was, I think I would feel the same way you do. The care for a person with AD would put a strain on any relationship I am sure because it is such a demanding disease. You have cared for your father for 6 years. Thta's more than enough time to want your life back. You have been blessed with a husband who is patient but do not feel guilty about placing your father. Your role as caregiver doesn't stop at placement. You can still be active in your father's life by overseeing the care he is getting. However, then you will have time for YOUR life as well.

I'm sure you'll get better advice than mine, but welcome and let me know if I can be of further advice!

Thank you so much for your input. I appreciate any advice that I can get. I have never felt so helpless as I do now. I was always a strong Aries, but this situation has made me weaker than I've ever been. Not only physically, but emotionally. My Dad is 93 and physically healthy. My husband is 65 and I'm 66. I have been blessed with my husband, he is an Angel! I tucked him into bed tonight as I always do and he told me that he loved his bed. The tears started flowing because he won't have his bed in the NH. I hope and Pray that this feeling of guilt goes away. And yes, I will be there for him in the NH. Thanks again for your kind words.

Referring to the above message I wrote: I meant to say "I tucked my Dad into bed....

You don't have to abandon your dad in a nursing home. Go visit him. Daily. Provide supplemental care. He'll get professional care, too. And activity. Be his advocate and protector at the nursing home. And when you leave, go home. Get respite. Enjoy your husband. He's a good man. A good human being. Savor him. And savor your dad. From the nursing home. Bring him home for a visit now and then. Make the best of the situation. My Jeanne spent the last 38 months of her life in a nursing home. I was there every day. And I took her out and about. In her wheelchair. Year-round. In Minnesota. You can make dad's life bearable. Even in a nursing home. --Jim

Thank you Jim. What a wonderful man you are! I do plan on going to the NH everyday. I have to because I want to make sure that he is well taken care of. I am slowly feeling better about the situation, the more I converse with everyone here. What a Blessing all you people are!! I have been reading the message boards for the last 2 hours and the strength of all of you is amazing. I feel so much better. Thank you so much for your support. God Bless all of you. Each one of you are an inspiration.

Good Morning, my dear Mother has been in a NH since March 2008 after the death of my dear Dad who was her full time caregiver. My sister and I could not keep our Mum safe and she went from the hospital to the NH after a fall. I visit every day and while I wish she was home, I know that she is getting better care than we could give her. It is not easy especially on her good days when she asks us if we have talked to the doctor about bringing her home. The staff at the NH knows us very well and Mum gets to go to activities and gets her hair done and actually is doing better than when she was at home. Good luck and God Bless.

Placing your father IS taking care of him. You are ensuring that he is safe and well cared for, and also ensuring that his loving daughter remains strong and healthy so that she can continuing providing the best care for him. A burnt out caregiver can not do their job as well as a rested caregiver.

Whether you personally handle his physical care or someone else does, you are still providing for his care. Only the method of delivery will changed. You are simply changing the role you play in order to better provide for his needs.

Where he lives does not change how much you love and care. You are not abandoning him, you are not stopping our care of him, you are simply changing venue.

quote:

Originally posted by AriesLady:
This is my first time on this site. Our Doctor suggested that this is the best place to go for answers to questions, because it is lived by all here.

The problem is we have had my Dad for 6 years, he has alzheimers and he is progressively getting worse. We are talking about NH's and I have been crying for 3 days. I know the time has come,... and we are exhausted.... Our life has been put on hold... My husband is excellent... Will I ever get over the feeling of abandoning him?????[/B I am just Heart Sick!

Dear AriesLady,

Allowing your dad to get the attention he needs via a qualified NH is nothing like abandoning him at all. [B]Just the opposite is true,, you are allowing more people to love him!

As other supporters have already replied, you can still visit and show your love. Now your father can be transfered and taken care of more comfortably by young people that are trained to do so. You dad will still need your affection! It is in his best interest that you and your husband can take the time for yourselves to love eash other and nuture your outgoing love as well. Without that, your love for your dad might begin to fade due to the stress.

All nursing homes are not bad. You take from the exerience what you put into it. Visit often. Get to know the staff. Make the best of it. And get some rest.

quote:

Originally posted by Jim Broede:
You don't have to abandon your dad in a nursing home. Go visit him. Daily. Provide supplemental care. He'll get professional care, too. And activity. Be his advocate and protector at the nursing home. And when you leave, go home. Get respite. Enjoy your husband. He's a good man. A good human being. Savor him. And savor your dad. From the nursing home. Bring him home for a visit now and then. Make the best of the situation. My Jeanne spent the last 38 months of her life in a nursing home. I was there every day. And I took her out and about. In her wheelchair. Year-round. In Minnesota. You can make dad's life bearable. Even in a nursing home. --Jim

Jim, from this post and all of your posts here, I just wanted to say, your wife was so lucky to have you.

And to AriesLady, I agree DO visit the nursing homes in your area often, unscheduled, at different times of the day, talk to family members there who are visiting loved ones and see what they have to say.

This is one of the hardest decisions any of us must make in life. We did this with my MIL and found her to "thrive" as had people her own age and professional care daily. There's so much to socialization with others. I just wasn't cutting it and would be very impatient with her due to my hectic life with my husband and kids.

My advice, go visit him often as he'll truly appreciate you. Then you'll have your time to rest and enjoy YOUR life.

Blessings!

What a privelidge and honor to be involved with such a wonderful group of loving people. Thank God my MD told me about this site! Thank you all for your kind words. We are not alone...as I thought we were. Even though I don't know any of you personally, I feel a closeness to all of you. I was able to be strong enough today to call many NH's and I finally found one that has an open bed and we are starting the procedure tomorrow. The first step is to visit my Dad's doctor asap. Then the rest is the NH's responsibility. It seems like it's happening too fast now. At 4am this morining, I almost woke my husband to tell him I changed my mind...the good thing is I thought about it and decided not to. I need to go forward for all our sakes. I know I will be sad for a long time, but I have to be strong and make it happen.

Thank you new found friends. Thanks for the kind words and advice. Thank God again for this site.

Bless your heart,,,you have done the very best for your Dad for a long time,,and you have every single right to be tired,,and most importantly,,to want your life back and be able to enjoy life while you're still able.

Nobody here faults you at all for that!! Yes,,its very heartbreaking and most difficult to have to place a loved one into a facility for care,,but,,you must be strong and do what you feel is best not only for your Dad,,but also for yourself and your husband.

I had my Mother living with my husband and I for over 4 years,,,and she was a pistol!!!

My best advice for you is to really really thoroughly check several NH's before admitting your Father to one. Make sure that you check out things such as,,does the place "smell clean and look clean" as soon as you walk in,,,,does the staff seem to be kind and interactivie with the residents,,how many aides per patient ratio is there at the NH,,,do they have activities geared for dementia?

How often do they bathe patients,,,will they feed the patient if needed,,or are you expected to do it or hire a private aide to come in and do it.

Also,,once a person is admitted to NH,,they usually have to use the "in house " Dr,,,some are good,,,but many aren't. See if the NH would allow your Dads Dr to come in,,or at least allow his Dr to still be in charge of him,,and medications and such,,his Dr can always fax over needed meds and such.

Also,,check the state's NH ranking to see how many complaints have been filed with each NH,,and what those complaints have been in regards to.

When you do find a NH that you feel comfortable with,,,then drop by there all different times of day and night,,and most especially on the weekends!! On the weekends is when they have no administration in there,so things can be a bit too slack in the care of residents.

Do your homework,,and speak to any family member at any and all NH's that you stop in to view,,ask the family if they are satisfied with the care that their LO is receiving.

You can also call your local Council on Aging,,,or Senior Resources,,,and speak with a social worker and see if she can give your a good referral and opinion of a good NH in the area.

Also,,speak to Dad's Dr to see what NH he feels is good,,,and another place you can contact is "A Place for Mom"....but they may primarily do assisted living facilities,,but you may also be able to get some information on your local NH's from them.

Whatever you do,,and whenever you do it,,I wish you strength and courage to do it,,and get thru it all. Remember,,everything new takes time & adjustment,,for yourself,,and your Dad.

Please do keep us updated on things. If you have any questions,,just come here and post,,you'll get tons of answers and support. Peace

Thank you Raven. I appreciate your help. I am open to all your suggestions. I would love it if his MD could follow him. He is a wonderful doctor. He's very attentive to my Dad. He goes over and above his professional duties and seems very concerned as to what happens with my Dad. I will contact the NH and ask them if his MD could could still remain with him.

On a fun note, I am going to share with everyone what my Dad did this morning. I love animals. My neighbor has 2 cats and I buy cat treats for them. The cat treats were sitting on the kitchen counter in a place that was not visible to my Dad (so I thought). I heard my husband practically tumbling down the stairs this morning and I heard him say..."STOP, you can't eat them, they are treats for animals"..my Dad yells back at him: "I'M AN ANIMAL!!!!" I WANT THEM!!! My husband was at a loss for words...I chuckled as my husband came upstairs to tell me what happened, we both laughed our heads off, we needed that laugh) We have cameras throughout the house (we call them our electronic Dad-Sitters). We always know what he's getting into. That's how my husband knew he was getting into the cat treats.

Hi Arieslady..I totally emphathize with your situation...I have gone through exactly that this past year. My dad (82) is in an NH. We have been thru 3. We had to move dad out of the first because we moved him to my city 2 hours south of him so my mom could live with me.

The NH we put him in here ended up not being a good fit for him because dad is a "exit seeker" and they just could not guarantee his safety. It worked out for the best though, dad is now in a true "Memory Unit" with lock down and he is safe....the woman in charge is totally educated on AD and very compassionate...

Please find your dad a true "Memory Unit" make sure his caregivers have a major clue!! This is so important for your dad. He will have an adjustment period for sure.

Its not the best scenario..none of us want to do this..we all want our LO's with us and I will tell you it was the hardest, most gut wrenching thing I have ever been through BUT its not about us...its about our LO's...what they need..what is best for them on a day to day basis...

My dad is still adjusting..wants to go home (they all do) and it always hurts my heart to leave him but he is safe, he is participating in all activities, they have zeroed in on who he is (a very christian man) and so they have dad read the morning prayer and bible verses...they really know what they are doing.

I will be praying for you and your husband and your dad...you will get through it..it will be hard..lean on one another and be strong for dad..you will now become his strong advocate at the NH..you will still be working hard on his behalf..you will still have loving, touching moments with dad..he will adjust!!!

God bless you and thank you for being such a wonderful daughter and thank your hubby too!!!

a daughter who gets it,
kim

AriesLady,

So glad you found us, too! These are indeed a wonderful group of people.

I had to place my mother in a NH this year and it was the hardest decision I have ever made. But it has turned out to be the best thing we have done for Mom. She is thriving, except that she isn't eating much lately, but that's probably just the disease. She is very happy there, happier than she's been anywhere.

I echo everything Raven said about checking out the NH's. Do not just take the first one that has a bed...there may be a reason they do.

Again, welcome, and best wishes to you in this difficult time.

I came here tonight because today is the day we had to send my mom to a hospital to get her medications balanced so she can go to the Nursing Home. We tried before, but she 'escaped' and would not stay, and we felt like it was too traumatic for her at that time. Now, we have no choice because she's started leaving the house and just doing things that we can't control like putting her hand down the garbage disposal, unscrewing the glass of a broken lightbulb etc. We just can't ensure her safety anymore and it's awful to have to do this. She called me tonight and told me she never wanted to see me again. This is my mother. . . I love her more than anything in this world, but I have to realize that I cannot provide the care and safety she needs at this point, and I need to get her in a place where she will be taken care of and happy. Being at home with one or two caregivers would get boring for anyone, even if they weren't sick, so I try to think that at least she'll be in a place where she is around other people and there are activities to keep her busy. Positive activities. . I'm just hoping I can get through these next few weeks and get my mom admitted safely. I hope she stays this time, if she doesn't I don't know what I'll do. This facility is 'locked' but it's not fort Knox, and my mom is pretty smart. I feel for anyone having to endure this. No one should have to go through this. I feel so lost at the moment. I miss my Mom.

What good timing this discussion turned out to be for me. I was just told today by my father's doctor and assisted living facility that they can no longer care for my father, and that I should place him in a nursing home.
I have been scouring the internet for homes to go look at tomorrow, and I found your discussions extremely helpful, especially Raven's suggestions of what to ask the facility. I've actually printed this and will take it with me tomorrow.
Thanks everyone- I too am depressed and feeling a little guilty, so I appreciated the words of support.

I too have been looking for nursing homes for my Dad. I really want him right near our home, but right now all of the surrounding nursing homes have at least a years waiting list. In March we had heard about nursing homes having respit for the caregivers. Since we hadn't been away from my Dad in 5 1/2 years, we thought we would take advantage of respit. We found a nursing home that has a building dedicated to alzeimers. Before we took him they told us that we could come and spend as much time as we wanted to observe. We did and they invited us to have lunch and my Dad was with us. They have many activities, and we found that all the residents seemed to be clean and happy. Also, there was NO smell in the place. We talked to one Gentleman that had his wife in there for 2 years (in the last stages) and he was very happy with the care she received. It's about 20 mins away from our home. We DID put him in there for 9 days and he did TERRIBLE!!! He took everyone's walkers and canes and said they were his, he refused to change his clothes, and just would not cooperate at all! I called this same nursing home last week to check on the availability of a bed. They have one. I told the supervisor that I was not happy with the way his hygene was and he was very groggy when we picked him up. She proceeded to read all the comments about him, and I kinda think alot of it was him and his personality (at this moment I can hear him yelling at our caregiver downstairs, he's become very aggessive). The supervisor said that he had 3 showers, but would not let them put clean clothes on him. The supervisor told me that 9 days is not nearly enough time for him to get adjusted. She said it usually takes at least 21 days. We are going to try this same nursing home again since they know him and have a bed. This time though, we will know a little more (mostly because of what all you nice folks have taught me in the short time here). I am also going to put my Dad on some of the surrounding nursing home lists, incase this one doesn't work out. I don't think I have any tears left, and I do realize that we can't take care of him anymore. And he may also be very lonely here. He is one of 18 children and there's only him and his baby brother left (his brother is 82). I'm hoping that he does adjust, and I am hoping that I do too! Thank you so much for all your caring words. Don't know what I would have done without all of you.
Sorry for the rambling on and on.

Well the nursing home for me is the only option. I looked into assisted living- and sadly, I don't have an extra 5K a month for that type of care. The cheapest I found (After looking in 3 states) was $3500. I cannot afford that either. It amazes me that so many people can? My mom was a social worker, she worked her whole life- she saved, she had the retirement, the 401K etc, but because of this, she made 'too much' to qualify for public assistance, and she makes too little to be placed anywhere "decent".

Luckily, once we get her stabilized, there is a nursing home willing to take her. It's not my first choice, it's not my second choice, it's my only choice. I'm so frustrated with our medical system. I read about people having choices and such, I feel like I have two options, get her stabilized or she goes to the state mental facility. My sweet mother- it's too much to bear sometimes. Is anyone else in this boat? I know I can't be the only one who doesn't have an extra 3K a month for a parents care.

I've looked into other options, we've waited as long as we can, it's time. This is what I'm faced with. The worst part, it's not near my home. I have to go back across the country for my job in 3 weeks. I won't be able to see her. It's killing me.

I'm hoping eventually I'll be able to move her closer. . time will tell. The guilt is what's getting to me now. I miss her.

How did you find a NH so easily, are you self paying? My mother is running out of her savings and I'm fearful (acute) that medi-cal accepting nursing homes won't take her because they prefer it when patients can self pay. Mom will be able to self pay when her condo sells, but as of now it has not. I read about people who easily get their LO in a NH which is why I ask. I'm 60 so I understand the duress (sp) you and your husband are under...I understand wanting your life back...I'm doing it alone and want my life back tooooo. I take very good care of my mom also but I know that this disease will progress and the needs will grow greater. You did the right thing.
Bela