Hi,
We placed my Mom in an ALF in February, and my Dad had been her primary caregiver, mostly because they lived together. We (4 siblings and myself) always helped with doctors appointments and other things because my parents marriage had been strained (to say the least) for about 20 years at this point. Mom wanted nothing to do with Dad when she had her mind, so keeping him from having to take actual care of her was our utmost priority.

Now, 8 weeks after moving Mom out of the house and away from Dad, all he does is obsess over the "loss" of his wife - even though in reality they hadn't been "husband and wife" in a looooong time. It's like he is just now mourning the loss of his partner, because she is not physically there. He doesn't do much at all anymore: goes to the grocery store, goes to buy lunch down the street instead of cooking (he always cooked for himself) goes to bed at 6 p.m. and wonders why he's wide awake at 3 a.m.

He is on anti-depressants and we try to visit as much as possible, have him over for dinner, etc.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to get him "over" this? He visits her and feels good about seeing her (and sometimes she forgets how much she disliked him before!) and then he goes home to an empty house and gets all sentimental about her, forgetting the anguish he lived with for 20+ years. It's a sucky situation, for him and for us.

Help - advice - suggestions - all welcome!
Sorry for the long post.

Gail

Maybe encourage him to go to a Senior Center in his area, they have classes and activities, some of them have outings and trips. Maybe talk to some of his friends and nudge them into keeping him company, going out for lunch or dinner.

They lived a long time together and even if they didn't get along so well, it is still a familiarity and connection with the person. Maybe he's sorry for how the past years went and now there's no chance for things to change. It's losing part of your life and what could have been. You're right, it is a sucky situation.

Just keep encouraging him to get out and about with friends. I hope it gets better for him.

Hi,

When my Dad died my Mom had a hard time. In a way it's the same with your Dad. For the first time he's ALONE. It is different for him now.

My sister got my Mom a cat. When that didn't do it she got her an older dog. The thing is, he's not only missing your Mom, he's missing having companionship.

It's a thought. If you're not sure could you borrow someones pet and ask your Dad to take care of it for a week on some trumped up excuse?

When my Dad died my Mom had a rough time. My sister got her a cat. That didn't seem to do it so she then got her an older dog too. After that Mom was much better. She had company. She wasn't alone. I think the dog worked better because it required a bit more care - asking to go out...

If you're not ready for that could you borrow someones pet and ask your Dad to babysit it on some trumped up excuse? See how it goes.

More attention could help---
One of the most tolling factors of this disease is time---the time it takes us to care for our loved ones...
bring him around more---help cheer him up---
it's hard but i really think its worth it---
self-worth is a lifesaver...
klcouncil
thx fo carin

What about one of the Independent Living facilities for your dad? Much different than an ALF, even though the concept is the same. My parents had several male friends who moved to these facilities after their wives died. Each one commented that they should have done it years before. It gives someone to eat one, someone to play cards with, and just companionship. Just a thought.

The senior center here has a lot of great activities. Sometimes they just hang out and play cards or pool. Sometimes they take classes. There is a history class where they reminisce about the "old days" but learn something at the same time.

You might also check out your community college. Ours has great non-credit and credit courses. Check it out.

Thank you for all the great suggestions.
Unfortunately, pets are out because he is allergic to them, especially cats! Most of his close male friends have died or moved away. He really is alone, except for us kids.

He lives in a huge house, and we've just cleaned out most of Mom's stuff and have started on the attic and basement. He has said that he doesn't want to live there for very long by himself, but isn't ready to go out "shopping" for the independent living places just yet. He does go to an area support group once in a great while, but my instincts tell me that this just depresses him more.

I will look into the local college - he might like some religion classes or something like that.

Gail

This situation is very different to say the least. It sounds almost like your Dad is in a type of denial mode about how things actually were with him and your Mom. Now that your Mother has been placed,,perhaps he feels guilty for all the "lost time" they should've/could've had before dementia took her completely away from him.

Also,,it may very well be a strong possibility that your Mother and Father were actually happy with living together,,but totally emotionally not. Hard to say.

Maybe it would be really beneficial for your father to see a good therapist that specializes in geriatric counseling. It would be wonderful if your Dad could perhaps come to terms within himself over what has happened over the last several years,,in his life.

Sometimes it takes an impartial and compassionate person to be able to help another thru the problems that were never faced,,,and the problems that now exsist.

I can only imagine how difficult this is for you to have to stand on the side lines and observe. I know you wish there is something that you can do,,,and I can tell you is be there,,be supportive,,and encourage your Dad to make more of an effort to get on with his life.

Wishing you and your family the very best. Peace

Thank you, Raven. It is very difficult to watch, sometimes I think Dad has "given up" and doesn't know HOW to live. He even forgets his past (opposite of Mom, who can remember everything from 50 years ago, but not what day today is). Whenever we mention something we used to do or someone he used to know, he looks at us in confusion and says "Really? I don't remember that at all!". So, it's like they are the mirror image of each other! We have mentioned a therapist before, and his doctor has given him referrals and he never goes to the appointments. I'll keep trying, though, because I think he does need someone to talk to, an impartial person like you said. You are right when you say all we can do is "be there".

Gail