We moved Mama to AL the first part of Jan. She adjusted really well and loved the place, made several friends, but for the last several weeks all she wants to talk about is going back home. She says we just put her there to get rid of her and that she was taking care of herself just fine. Of course she wasn't. I try to explaine to her that we were taking care of her, giving her her meds, breathing treatments and fixing her meals. She just says it isn't true and I'm only trying to convince her of this because I don't want her to move back home. I feel so sorry for her because she's so unhappy and wants to move back in her house, and is very adament about us putting her there to get rid of her. I just don't understand why after being happy at the AL all this time, why she's so unhappy now.

Try to visit mom every day. That'll make it seem more like home. Even sit down and have lunch or supper with her. Get her involved in activities. Socialize. Take her out for walks. And treats. When family comes together, that's home. Even in a nursing home. Or in the great outdoors. Everywhere. --Jim

It's sad but common for our LO's to want to go home, wherever that is. It might not even be her home she was talking about, but somewhere from her childhood. Likely, if you took her home, she would not be happy there, either. Just play along with her, rather than to remind her that she really could not take care of herself. It will just upset her. Make something up about the house, or tell her she has to stay for a while longer, or just empathize with her. Try to change the subject or move on to another activity. My parents did the same thing. It passes.

I do visit, twice a week. My husband & I take her to lunch, her choice of place and visit with her every Sunday afternoon after church and I also go over another day of the week to take her to lunch and shopping for things she needs or wants, just a girls day out like we used to do when she lived alone. She knows exactly where she is talking about home & it's our guest house that she lived in for the last several years after my Daddy died. She is definite on living on her own instead of the AL. I don't know if she truely believes she took care of herself or if that's just to her way of trying to convince us to "let her move back to her house".

This is very, very common among people with dementia. In fact, they often say it even when they ARE home in the house that they've lived in for decades.

1) When she talks about how great it will be to go home, just agree with her. Say you will take her at the end of the month when you have time off. Repeat as needed.

One tactic is to just restate back to her what she says to you.

"It sounds like you really miss home."

2) Stop trying to explain things rationally to her. Don't justify your actions, tell her why she really does need help, etc. The "reasoning button" in her brain is damaged. She won't understand or remember, and it will just upset her more.

3) Consider talking to her doctor about a very small dose of an antidepressant. People with Alz and other dementias lose the ability to self-regulate their mood. When my mom started a very small dose of Celexa, she still talked about wanting to go home - but without the furious intensity that she had about it previously.

4) When you visit in the ALF, don't sit in her room making small talk. Immediately take her out to the main area and have a snack and do an activity that will occupy her hands.

I find w/ my mom that it's hard for her to be negative about things when her mouth and hands are in gear with snacks and a simple activity.

5) These two articles will probably be very helpful to you:

http://www.alzheimer.guelph.or...tia%20Experience.pdf

http://alzonline.phhp.ufl.edu/...ding/Anosognosia.pdf

She truly does believe that she took care of herself. She might not remember all the work you and your family did in order to allow her to live on her own as long as she did. Just remind her of all the things there are do do at the ALF and then tell her that you are having her house repainted or something, that there is a gas leak, termites... Or say, "I know you want to go home, but you just can't right now." and leave it at that.

Does it help if you change the subject or move on to another activity? Is her space at the ALF homey? Having trouble with neighbors, staff or anyone else around there. What is it that makes her want to be home, other than the fact that she's not there?

Sherrie,

I moved my mom into an ALF about three weeks ago. I tried the "you can't take care of yourself anymore" conversation as a way to get her to agree to move. It didn't work. Mom was living in her own house, with a home health aide 40 hrs/week, and her sister & sister-in-law running her errands, making her appts., and taking her everywhere. But all she could remember was that she was "living alone and doing just fine." She finally agreed to come "for a visit."

So far, she hasn't insisted on going home, although she has mentioned being back home a couple of times.

What I have learned from dealing with my mom, and the incredible support from these message boards and the Alz Assoc counselors, is that the hard truth won't work any more. The best advice I have received is to divert her attention to something else when she talks about going home. It will be hard, because I don't want her thinking I am ignoring her.

The other advice has been "therapeutic fibs" or semi-truths. This is difficult because it requires me to think creatively but do it immediately. I have done this a couple of times and it appears to work...so far, anyway.

I'm not sure how much this helps you, because I'm new to all of this and haven't run into some of the more serious issues with my mom. But I wanted to share some of what I have learned, and let you know that I understand what you're going through.

Well, we do get out of her room when we're there and I have tried the changing the subject trick, but a lot of times when that discussion is over she says again that she wants to know why I want let her move back home. I tend to forget sometimes that she no longer has the resoning facter working. I like the idea of fibs about things wrong with the house to prevent her from coming back now. I definitely can't use the "not now" remark because of her disposition, she will go on for an hour trying to force me into giving her a definite time when she can move back. I have tried to tell her that she can't afford to live at home anymore because she needs constant care and she can't afford to pay someone to stay with her every day. Of course that doesn't work because she just tells me that she doesn't need or want somebody to be with her every day. Wait, if she feels that way, then why does she want me to come over every day? lol

You aren't anyone! You are her daughter!

There's no reasoning with her at this stage, so you are probably better off with the fibs for now. This usually passes, especially when she makes a friend or two or finds something she really likes to do.

Also, good tac I used with my folks is that I would, and still do, visit in the mornings and then at lunch time, it gives me a good opportunity to leave. "Oh look! It's time for lunch!" I don't take Dad many places anymore because he is so crippled up that it is very hard for him to get in and out of a car and he tries to fall down all the time.

quote:

...she says again that she wants to know why I won't let her move back home.

Tell her that you'll take her home next Tuesday.

I do this with my mom over and over again, and it is a great relief to her to know that there is a specific date when we will be going.

and in answer to why after all this time has she decidided she wants to leave - we discovered that at mom's old ALF her best friend was an antagonist. Always complaining about the cost of the place (we told mom it was only a few hundred dollars); her daughter never coming to see her, etc. We discovered that when mom spent time with her friend suddenly these things were of major importance to her and were happening to her as well <sigh> Often it was quite difficult to get mom out of that frame of mind. Perhaps something like that is going on with your mom too.??

Hi - It is a hard thing to hear. Mom wants to move back to the US (She lives in Texas now - never lived out of the country) She also wants to move back north to work. She wants to go see her parents - and speaks of going back home.
She has been upset before about no one liking her, not belonging in her ALF - it turned out to be a rather negative tablemate who kept feeding her negative messages and mom believed it - so she wanted to leave and go home. We (sibs and I) think that the comments about going home is more about wanting to return to a place in time when things made more sense and she was happier. There is a lot of good feed back at this b oard - I hope this helps some what. Hugs - Jannah

Hello. I am a new member and have been reading every day in hope of finding answers about my mom. She too wants to go home every day. She has called movers three times in four months to come to the ALF. She called me today and apparently she has movers lined up again tomorrow!! (..I felt that her independence was completely taken away and so she has a phone in her room so she can call family and church friends and they can call her.but she wants everybody to rescue her and take her home and people don't call).She packs up everything in garbage bags or whatever she can find. Then when the movers come to the front desk and are turned away it makes her even more upset! The ALF tells me this is normal behavior for dementia but I am having such a hard time. My soul is so tormented and I feel so evil. I don't know what I can do to help her...but I have to do something. I don't want to go into the long story, but was wondering if anyone else has had this experience.

Mama's Keeper, I would suggest removing the phone from her room - alas, it is "broken" and must be fixed. For a very, very long time.

My mom's dementia care ALF recommends against phones in rooms because they've had residents inappropriately call 911 repeatedly.

I could easily see that with your mom!

I would also suggest talking to her doctor about medication to help calm the intensity of her desire to go home, since she seems so consistently agitated and upset about it.

Starting a very small dose of an antidepressant really toned down the furious intensity of my mom's desire to "go home" without zombifying her at all.

Part of what people with dementia lose is the ability to self-regulate their moods.

Thanks to all for the comments. Mama has made several friends where she is, but you're right, there is one lady who Mama spends a lot of time with and this lady constantly complains about everything. This lady doesn't have Alzheimer/domentia. She is living there because she has had a stroke and can no longer live alone. A few weeks ago she had about 12 of the residents in an uproar about the cost of living there. This lady's daughter never comes to visit her. I cannot use the idea of telling Mama she can go home on Tue or any other day because she will not hear the day, she will only remember that I told her she could go home and be telling me constantly that I told her she could go home, now when am I going to take her home. Mama doesn't have a phone in her room. She used to have a cell phone, but we had to take that away from her. After 5 times we told her she couldn't have it back. She was calling us 30 times a day, plus calling my brother in another state, at work and yes she did call 911 one night. Now she uses the phone in the library, which has really cut down on the calls to us and she can't make long distance calls on it. As for the meds, she's on stuff now, but I guess it may be time to increase the dose or maybe make changes to the meds. Mama's personality has always been demanding what she wants, when she wants it and that has worked for all these years. The family has enabled this behavior all her life, including me because of the quilt trips, badgering, etc. I stopped enableing this behavior a year ago and she's been fighting that ever since. Her tacktics were no longer working and I guess she has had a hard time dealing with no longer getting her way. Add that to the Alzheimer's and this is what you are left to deal with.

quote:

I cannot use the idea of telling Mama she can go home on Tue or any other day because she will not hear the day, she will only remember that I told her she could go home and be telling me constantly that I told her she could go home, now when am I going to take her home.

Right, there's NOTHING you can say that will stop her from wanting to go home and continuing to ask about it. And there's no medication that will totally STOP it, either.

So:

1) the point is to respond with a reply that validates her desire to go home and makes it sound like it's going to happen, so it's a positive conversation for her vs a conversation that upsets her.

But you will of course have to keep saying it, and no, she won't remember Tuesday. But the goal wasn't for her to remember the day. It was just to make it tangible and real for her - for the moment.

No harm in trying it. If she blows up, don't do it again.

2) And what medication can do is dial down the furious intensity of her wish to go home. But it's very unlikely to actually put an end to her saying it, although it may well reduce the frequency.

3) Sounds like getting her away from the complainer will also make a big difference.

Our LOs are exceptionally receptive to emotional cues, particularly negative ones. They seem to magnify negative feelings.