Just venting...

I send my brother detailed emails about my mom's symptoms, behavior, etc. about every other month. We don't talk live (he stole about half her savings, knowing that she was cognitively compromised).

I have discovered through a family friend that he has been forwarding these emails to other family acquaintances.

My mom of course doesn't know about this. So it shouldn't bother ME, right? But it does.

I'm VERY detailed in my emails, about everything from her incontinence issues to the specifics of her language problems, crazy ideas, bizarre behaviors, etc.

I'm not ashamed of the fact that she has Alz, and I don't keep it a secret.

But I don't think she would find this level of disclosure appropriate if she were in her right mind and knew about it either.

It just seems voyeuristic somehow....

I don't plan to confront him - as I say, my mom doesn't know, and I can't waste my energies on this.

And I'll be even less forthcoming in future emails, although there's a limit to how far I can take that, of course.

But I just wanted to say how I felt

You have the "right" I guess to feel ,,,how you feel. However,,I don't understand why you feel the need to "inform your brother of anything in regards to your Mom,,since he was such a shit and bilked her out of "her money". But hey,,if it makes you feel that you're laying the guilt on him,,kudo's to you.

Its a real shame that he feels the need to "disclose" all that you tell him in regards to your Mom,,to many others....after all,,,who does he feel "really cares"???

It seems to me that this is "his simple devious way" of acting like he see's his Mom and is in the know.

How about if you just keep things about your Mom to yourself,,and not share them with your brother,,,then egg will be on his face,,,know what I mean.

For any of us caregivers,,or caregiver advocates,,we don't feel the need to "tell" anyone anything about our LO,,,unless of course they should ask. And even then,,it depends on who's asking.

Just do the best you can,,for as long as you can,,and when you can't,,then make the best arrangements you can. Peace

hippa laws exist for a reason. seems to me he is violating your moms rights according to hippa law. i would discontinue the flow of information. at least minimize.

my two cents....

You email your brother because you feel obligated to keep him informed, even though he is an ass. And maybe you need to keep him informed because of legalities??

You are upset, and rightly so IMHO, because this takes away your Mom's dignity. Of course she wouldn't want others to know such personal details.

I like to follow this advice a teacher gave me years ago.... Never put down in writing what you don't want others to see. Sad that we would have to consider a private letter to family under this catagory. But in this electronic age, it is more important then ever.

My doctor has all but ordered me to only speak to my brother when absolutely neccesary, and then to record the conversations. I think my cell phone can do this, I just have to try it out.... and then remember to hit the record button.

I think it's nice that you keep your brother informed. He may even appreciate it. Despite the fact that he may not fully appreciate you or his mother. Maybe some day he'll feel blessed because he has such a nice sister. Strangers like me know it. So, why not him? And it could be that he considers his friends and acquaintances outside the 'family' as his new-found family. That goes for me. I'm closer to people I've met over the years than I am to my brother and my sister. That's just the way it is. We've grown apart, so to speak. In a sense, I have cultivated another family. --Jim

Serendipity - yes, you nailed it in all respects. I tell my clients all the time not to email anything you wouldn't want to see on the front page of a newspaper. Just wish I didn't have to follow that rule with my mom's only other living relative.

Jim - your perspective pretty much mirrors mine, with one clarification - no, these are not newfound friends. These are former colleagues and friends of my mom's who have not stayed at all close to her by their choice - long, long before she was diagnosed. He apparently runs into them casually.

And they're not dear friends of his at all.

Thanks for the support - much appreciated.

I would do as you are plannimg, and cut down on the info shared. Be very basic and generalized. IF he were to question you, I would then tell him that you understand he likes to share the information, and since you prefer he not do that, you are only sharing what you think is relevant.

Friends or not, the letter was not addressed to "Brother and All".

Hi Grassflower

come vent..anytime..we are all good listeners..


for me..I chose to kind..and do what my heart told me..to do..with my husbands brother..so from x to x..I would share info..just as you have done..because..

my husbands mom..Loved both her boys..the same..

and even though he chose..to do nothing..except send a card..once a month..

I chose not to judge him..

we cannot..control what others..do..or say...


what you have said to your brother was for his eyes only..but he chose to share them..with others..

you are wise..to pick your battles and not spend your time and energy..on this issue..of he said she said..

I Learned to lower my expectations of others..when we expect nothing..we are never disappointed..sorta speak..

you have chosen peace..and to be kind..and that my friend..is what makes you..a good caregiver..Namaste Rosie