Hi, I'm new to this forum, so let me start like this. I am my parents only child and I am 65 years old. I moved back here 10 years ago, leaving my two sons and grandchildren to watch over my parents. My dad had lung cancer and my mom kept telling me how forgetfull he was getting. The problem at that time was he was drinking a lot.
Now,dad is 89 and has either deminita or Alzeimer's. The drs. won't come right and call it that. However, after reading the various stages, I would say he is in stage 5. My mother is his care provider and she is 83. They live in their own home and are both very strong willed people.

I go over once a week and stay with my dad while my mom goes bowling! I am usually there from around 8 am until around 3 pm. My husband and I go over on the weekends, also. So, I am usually over there at least 3 days a week.
Mom calls me almost everyday or I call her. I live about 30 minutes away.
She doesn't need any help with housework, cooking or anything of that nature. She has someone cut the grass. However, I know she needs to get out more, because my dad is driving her crazy. But when I tell her she needs to contact an agency or the VA about having someone come to the house, she says "Oh he wouldn't stand for it." Mom tends to use dad as an excuse for a lot of things.

I can tell mom is getting forgetful and hard of earing,too. She even knows her earing is getting bad, but won't do anything about it. Just like dad!

I know she would love for me to be over there more, but they keept their house way too hot, the TV way too loud and I have a thyroid problem. Not to mention my nerves. Even if I did she wouldn't go anywhere. She waits on dad hand and foot. Then she complains to me about it.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can get my mom to agree to have someone come in, even for one more day a week?

Welcome to the boards. I think you'll find a lot of people here with similar experiences, and a lot of help and good company.

Our stories aren't exactly alike but they're close - I'm an only child, too - 49 years old, and managing care for my father, 87, late stage 6. My mother died of breast cancer in 2003.

Re: getting someone in to help - is there a kind of person that your mother would be more likely to accept, or a way of presenting him/her? Could you, for example, put together a "gift certificate," or tell her you'd won X number of hours of household help in a contest or lottery? I'm inventing this as I go along, but you see what I mean - what's the light fiction that would overcome resistance?

My father is hugely resistant to help but very much interested in helping others. I've been most successful at bringing in caregivers, and getting him to the hospital or other appointments, when I tell him that there's someone who needs his help. He gets cheerful about it and spends his time talking to whoever the caregiver is and trying to give advice.

Think about therapeutic lying and see what comes to mind.

I'm sure others will have other/better suggestions.

Again, welcome!


Best,
Alan

Many communities - even small ones - have senior daycare centers that your dad could attend.

You don't tell him it's senior daycare, though - you present it as a volunteer opportunity or a parttime job (you know, you give him $5 a week or whatever).

Many posters here have had great success with this approach.

Yes, changing the view point can be helpful. Ours was a 'girl-friday' who needed the money to support her family. In our case, it was a little too true We ended up adding more and more help until it became 24/7. She surely didn't like that but you do what you must to keep them safe. Good luck - it takes time to accept the role reversal aspect of this.

I know this wasn't the focus of your post, but it might be good to get a doctor to diagnose your Dad so that he can receive any necessary treatment or medications that may help either now or in the future.

Finally someone has a problem that I can help with. My mom is in the same predicament as yours. The real trouble is she needs help, won't admit it, and she is just as resistant to having a stranger in the house as daddy.

My sis has a college age son who is taking electrical engineering. She told dad that her son needed his help with some electronics homework (he does not- he's an A student so it was very mature of him to take this job when it involved playing stupid)...

Daddy was an electronic technician before he retired and his grandson has just gradually moved in little by little. Now mom can leave when she needs to without fear of daddy burning the house down and his grandson brings simple electronics questions to him for "help" in the evenings.

It sounds crazy but whatever works, right?

Actually it helps the grandson, too. He wasn't adjusting that well to dorm life. He's not being put to work to clean up the messes, distribute meds, or any nursing duties. He just provides a stable presence when needed and that's a blessing.

Is there some young person in your family who might graciously take this on?

I'm new to this forum and also am an only child with 2 parents with dementia. I also do not live close to them - they are in Kentucky and I live in Maine.

I think Mom is in Stage 5 and Daddy is more difficult to tell as he still seems to function well but has difficulty speaking (aphasia). Mom refuses in home help and just recently has called police for the second time claiming jewelry stolen. (The first time, she found the jewelry).

Dad would be amenable to moving to Florida where my kids are more than willing to watch over them til I can get there, but Mom refuses to move. She bullies Daddy something awful and he does everything for her despite being 4 years older than her at 86.

I'm at wits end and don't know what to do. I've done lots of research on this website and caregiver forum, but am still at a loss.

Oh wow, deja vu. I went through this with my parents, although I'm not an only child, but as the oldest and the only one in a position to help, even though I lived 500 miles away from my parents at the time. In 2001, 2002, my dad had undiagnosed Parkinsons and Mom was really struggling to help him -- he was twice her size for one thing! She hired occasional caregivers so she could go places, but Dad hated being "babysat". They never had the same person twice. Then he had a stroke in May 2002, the PD was diagnosed while he was in the hospital, and they had to hire 24/7 help if they wanted to stay in their own home. It's been a long road of changes since then...Dad died in 2004 and Mom with dementia now lives with me and my husband. She turned 90 yesterday.

I'm sorry I don't have any good advice for how to handle your situation. But you have lots of company! Maybe it will help to know that you are not alone, that it will work out eventually. And that it may go on for a very long time...I'm still on the treadmill! I wish you the best and hope you can figure out something that works for all of you.

I spoke with the reporting police officer yesterday and we both agreed that Mom and Dad were confused and had most likely stashed the jewelry away and now cannot remember where. Then, I got a call from my eldest son saying he had gotten a birthday card from them with a check enclosed. His birthday is in March!

Seems like every day brings a new problem. I'm beginning to dread hearing the phone ring. To make matters worse, my Mom now thinks I'm interfering in her life and doesn't seem to understand that I'm concerned and just trying to help.

When I was down there to help after Mom got out of the hospital with heat exhaustion, I was appalled to see that they had "inherited" all their dead friends "stuff". The house has so much junk in it and they won't let me get rid of anything. I think I counted over 60 cheap coffee mugs in their cabinets. They have outlived all their friends and also inherited all their silver. The house is a thief's dream. Anyone coming in the house or looking in the windows can see all the silver in the glass cabinets. I feel like it's only a matter of time before they truly are burglarized. I did manage to get her to put most of her good jewelry in the bank safe deposit, but just learned yesterday that she had taken it all out again. Sigh. What's a girl to do?

Giddy -

Welcome!

I've been a long-distance caregiver for more than two years - since my wife and I moved from New York to DC so she could take a government job. I'm just about to move my father to a nursing home near me, which is its own adventure, but the long-distance thing has been a severe grind.

The issue with the silver is tough. I'm wondering if the police might have some suggestions about how to secure things without making too much of a show of it. Ordinarily I'd think in terms of burglar alarms but I'm guessing your parents might find those hard to work with.

Have you thought of hiring a care manager to help you look after things on the ground? It made a huge difference in my case. Having a professional there to be my representative was a big help at many different times, especially as my father's condition got worse.

Please let us know how you're doing. Hope this helps, and I'm sure others will have suggestions, too.


Best,
Alan

HI Alan,

And thanks for replying. Can you tell me more about the Case Manager? Is he/she someone who checks in with the parents on a regular basis? Someone whom I could call in case of emergency? Where would I find someone like this? This would truly be a Godsend.

Giddy -

A case manager (officially a "geriatric care manager") is usually (but not always) a social worker. They're valuable because they generally know all the local support systems and have dealt with nearly all the problems. They can help with everything from looking in on the household, to bringing in home health attendants, to going along on MD or hospital visits, to helping with financial management.

I found mine through an elderlaw firm. But the local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association might be able to help. You could start with the helpline at 800-272-3900 and ask for a referral.

If there's anyone on the boards from Kentucky (what area?) you might be able to get recommendations that way, too.

Again, to me it was a godsend, since I wasn't able to have eyes or boots on the ground.

Keep us posted about how the referrals go.


Best,
Alan

Thanks Alan!

I'll get on this right away. I love this group!