I read TB's CAREGIVER DEPRESSION and realized I'm in trouble. Everything on the checklist: yes, yes, yes.

Went to my doctor. Have lost 34 pounds in six months but bloodwork good. He prescribed a sleeping pill, suggested counseling. Leary of sleeping pill but Mom usually sleeps through the night (yes, what a blessing!). I tried the sleeping pill. Still up every hour.

Found an intern psychologist I could see for $10. She couldn't even pronounce Alzheimer's and simply prescribed I have sex more often. Thanks for the ten bucks worth.

Saw my best friend for first time in over a month. She is Deaf. All my friends are Deaf. We Sign. My hands were heavy. Where I once could express myself in Sign better than voiced words, I struggled.

My heart is heavy. I pray. My prayers are interrupted--with endless thoughts bouncing in my head. I pace. I sit. I pace. I cry.

I think of you...those ahead of me, those who follow. I want to post. I need to post. It helps me. It helps you. But as on the checklist, nothing seems good enough or so I think. I'm angry at myself. This is not me.

I know I'll feel better after simply telling someone, you, who understand. I have to get myself out of this.

Thank you for being there for me.
Sallye

I'm so sorry.Do you have anyone to help with the Caregiving?
Caregiver Depression occasionally creeps in for all of us,I believe.
I've been there with the insomnia.

Shirlee

Sallye,

I am so very sorry. This is the ugliest disease for all involved.

I understand exactly how you feel and you are not alone.

Wishing you a little bit of peace today.

Hugs, Theresa

Pleas know everyone has their own way of dealing with this
I am not a full time caregiver and I did too LIfe as you know it has turned up side down !!

Never think you dont have anything to say You never know how one little thing might be helpful and stick with someone

So get those fingers flying on the keys so you feel better and can fly when talking to your friends!!!

When I started coming here wheter just readin gor to post I started to feel better (even on meds) My DH noticed the difference!

I will watch for your posts

Ann

Don't give up sweetie!!! If you need to post 300 times a day then post away..You need to take care of you also..Is there anyway you could get a little bit of a break??? Time away with friends for a couple of hours??? You need to do what feels right for you and don't worry about what other people think..My prayers are with you!! Hope you have a better day today!!!

It sounds to me as though you need some outside help. Sometimes you don't need drugs and advice, you just need a non-judgmental ear to unload on. Perhaps you might consider contacting your minister, rabbi, priest... And he/she should make "house calls". It's not a cure-all, but you need to get some of this out of your system so you can think more clearly and get some sleep.

Just my thoughts...

Shirlee, Theresa, Ann, thank you for your replies. I am the 24/7 caregiver. I have two of Mom's friends who help occassionally. They are both older than Mom (who is 76) and one is legally blind. Kind of leary. What if's keep me from "resting." A couple of hours now and then is about all I can have.

I called the Alz Assn for respite care. But the "Senior Companions" are not hands-on so cannot handle Mom's passing out spells (Neurocardio genec syncope--or however you spell it). Doc explained it's like her motor is good but her wiring is shot. The reflex to constrict the bloodflow back up to the brain doesn't work. If it hits her, I have to immediately lie her down & hold her feet up. She used to be able to tell me when she felt weak. Now she doesn't know what's happening to her so I have to watch for an expression change. We do a lot of "time to get your feet up" as prevention throughout the day.

We're broke anyway.

I'm it.

We've all been there - Hang on! Tie a knot or two at the end of that rope and hang on!

Feel free to POST, POST, POST here! That is the purpose of the forum!

I agree with NDuke. Is there a minister or another nonjudgmental person who you could speak with, just completely unload on? You need OUTSIDERS to talk to! Know right now that anyone who has not been a caregiver will NOT totally understand what you are going through, but they CAN still be that sounding board that we all desperately need at times!

Give yourself some breathing space. Is it possible to get out of the house, take a short walk or go to the gym a couple of times during the week? Take care, I’m sending hugs to you and hope that today is a better day!

Sally....welcome!

If you have read Twice Blessed's signs of depression........

Please read her "things to do" ideas!

Please try to rearrange your routine to allow yourself some "ME" time each and every day. When I feel like you do now.....I call it a great big "CRASH AND BURN"!

Give yourself 20 to 30 minutes each and every day to do what YOU want to do. I am unable to leave my loved one so therefore, must find things that make me happy (renew my spirit) with her!

I love to sew! I love to be outdoors!

Think of what you used to do for enjoyment....things that renewed your spirit! Choose one! JUST DO IT!

Big hugs to you my new founded friend! We are all here for you!

NDuke, great idea. Why didn't I think of that? And the preacher lost his Dad to Alzheimer's last year.

Did you hear me just slap my forehead?

Thank you,
Sallye

Ahhhh, now I want to thank each of you by name but I keep losing my message box....where'd it go? (I'm so analog) Well, I thank you all.

I knew you would give me lots to think about and DO!

You are my angels!

Sallye

Sallye:

You need to talk, talk, talk. To someone. You need a good listener. Maybe sometimes, all you need to do is talk to yourself. Or to the dog. Or the cat. Or to a spirit. Keep opening up. So you don't shut down. --Jim

I called the preacher. He's out of state hunting for two weeks. My brother is an elder in his church. But like so many siblings here, guess old Mom and sis are way down on his list of priorities. Maybe I should call HIS preacher! Wouldn't that be a kick. Ha! I'd rather take Jim's advice and talk to the cat!

I know I didn't get this way over night and it will take some time to get better...one step at a time. Thank you all for getting me started.

Many hugs back!
Sallye

Sallye,
Hugs to you. you didn't get here overnight, none of us did. We are compassionate, caring people who do what needs to be done. Sometimes, it is at the expense of ourselves and our needs. You are important too. It is a hard lesson to learn.
In there, doing that. Reach out and find whatever help or peace you can. If there is a possibility of anyone else helping, then go for it, keep trying, call that preacher back when he gets home.
joni ca.

Doer...you're not alone that's for sure. Exhaustion and a mind that keeps racing seem to be part of this caregiving life at times. Here's a weak thought but ya never know...how about a really good book on tape and use a headset. I give myself a chapter when I am feeling overwhelmed and need to tune out. Sometimes it actually works!

Dear Friends,
I actually slept last night! It wasn't as long as I probably needed but it was uninterrupted.

Isolation is truly a powerful thing. It leads to danger and I don't want to go there!

I did a lot of self-talking yesterday. You're right, the first thing I have to do is find my own way to change negatives to positives. Easier said than done, yes, but you got me thinking....and KNOWING I'm NOT alone.

As fate would have it, one of Mom's friends called last night saying she "had a feeling something's wrong" and offered to keep her tonight! Kind of freaky, huh? But in a good way!

So, tonight I'm getting a break!!! Yeah! I don't know what I'll do, but at least I'll get out of my gown & robe!

And, yes, I have put on my calendar to call the preacher.

Thank you, all of you!
Sallye

Yes,Sally,a well deserved break....Hooray!!!....Enjoy!!!...Refresh!!!
Yippee!!! A night out...Have a blast!!!

Shirlee

What a wonderful thing! And what a wonderful FRIEND!

Things are looking up! What's that saying? The darkest is before the dawn! Sleep well!

Good news, Doer!
Yes, there ARE Angels on earth. God doesn't give us what we want, but what we need. Keep going forward!

Last night, on our news, there was a story about the recent tornadoes. A 14 month old baby was missing, from its home. They played the Parents' 911 calls. Very chilling. The baby was found, unharmed except for a few scratches, 40 feet away. The crib mattress was over him, with the crib on top, protecting him. The awesome thing was, 2 Bibles, and a little angel figure, from the house, were found lying next to him.
Bless you, Doer!

Maebee, that gave me chills! Isn't that amazing! Wow

Thanks shirlee and nduke.

You guys make me smile...and I want that humor back...I want to laugh!

If they allowed pics on this site, I'd be signing "have a great day!"

We've all had our times of depression, whether because of the ALZ in our lives or some other situation.

IF that preacher doesn't work out, check for the local mental health clinics. Keep searching for someone until you find one that 'clicks!'

I found that I could knit while watching the golfing events that FIL loves to watch. Although I will probably never play the game, I know more about the techniques used to hit the ball and why this and that are important. Makes FIL feel like I value his insight and I get to knit!

Keep us posted on how you're doing, Doer. We do care because we know what you're going through!

Here's another one for you:
In our paper yesterday was the story of a 17 year old heard a noise outside his home, at 2am. His Mom told him to go back to sleep. He listened out his window, and heard a feeble "help". He ran out to find, on a trail near their home, an 85 yo neighbor, lying on the ground, disoriented. This young man carried the 6 foot man back to the house. The police came and said 10 more minutes, and the man would have gone into hypothermia. I am trying to find out how the man is now.

We are surrounded by Angels!!

Taking care of yourself is just as much of a priority as taking care of your mom. If you aren't able to get some in home help than look into adult daycares. Their fairly inexpensive and such an asset. If you can get her into the car, take her if only for a couple of hours twice a week and then do something that you love, what ever that may be. It's important! If you don't take care of you, you will burn out, probably end up with stress related illness yourself and then who will care for mom??? Have you ever read "The 36-hour day by Mace and Rabins??? Excellent book for caregivers working with dementia related conditions.

My "break" on Friday wasn't the yipee-yahoo I had wanted. Big mistake! Got drunk. Paced through the house, naked. My mind completely blank. Stared at the clock. Stared in the mirror. Disgusted. Couldn't even cry. Fell asleep to the hum of the ceiling fan--in Mom's bed!

Good grief!!! What was I thinking? What was I doing? I KNOW better! What a waste!

After beating myself up I finally picked up that big, heavy, dusty 36-Hour Day. What do you know, there was my picture, right there, page 305...

Thank you for pounding that into my head!

Sallye