Sorry if this is a repeat of info you already know. I went to court Tuesday and was awarded temporary conservatorship and guardianshp. My mom didn't attend so probably doesn't know. I've been avoiding her - until I figure out how to tell her.

The guardian ad litem interviewed mom on Friday and told me she definitely needs a guardian. Ditto for conservatorship. He even called the neuro-psych that gave the original diagnosis. The doc agreed that she needed a guardian so she would have had a guardian no matter what I did.

I'm afraid she may have gotten the wrong idea from our talk on Saturday and convinced herself that I would drop everything. We never actually discussed that directly, however we talked about some other changes that needed to be made.

After the guardian ad litem interviewed her and realized that she was not competent at all, I knew I had to go through with going to court. I feel guilty that I didn 't call her to remind her that I was going.

Can anyone help give me some ideas for beginning the conversation with her?

I'm so not tactful and my stomach is in knots so I need to do this today.
Thanks
K

Well, if it were me, I probably wouldn't say anything until the conservatorship and guardianship are permanent. Otherwise, may be opening up a real can of worms. and create a lot of stress for both you and your mom. Just my take on it.

Does your Mom know she has AD or at least "memory problems?" If she's aware that her brain is older or not as sharp as it once was, I think I'd say something like "Mom, you know how your memory isn't as great as it used to be? Well, your doctor said that you need someone to help you make big decisions. I would rather be the one to help you make those decisions instead of some stranger or someone who might want to take advantage of you. " I'd then reassure her that she'll still have a say in everything , even if that's a fiblet in the future.
Good luck with this. it's certainly a process, but you're doing well and your Mom is lucky to have such a great daughter on her side.

This is really a very emotionally charged topic to attempt to discuss with your Mom,,,especially since she wasn't at the hearing.

I would see if the guardian ad litem can convince the judge to hold the "permanant granting of conservator/guardianship " to you ,,without your Mother being present.

When I filed and was granted guardianship of my Mother,,she was there for both hearings,,,and it was awful for me,,and for her. I don't understand why a court of law makes a person that is in such a state as AD,,attend..there's very little comprehension whats going on,,except they can still pick up on,,they're losing their rights of choice.

Also,,,I do hope that you understand that as conservator,,you will have to show the court ,,every year,,,every single receit of your Mom's money that you've used,,,,and it better all be for her needs and her needs only. Courts are very strict about that.

Now that you have guardianship,,,you will be able to place your Mother into a good facility if thats your choice,,,and you will be able to sign for her.

I'm so sorry that your'e going thru all of this,,,been there done that. But you're a good daughter that has her Mom's best interest at heart,,,so take strength in that. Peace

I think if it were me I would limit my discussion with mom to something very mild like the judge said that I need to help you. I would avoid all details with mom. If she asks why, again i would keep to the minimal truths, because I am your daughter and daughters always should help their parents. The judge said may be a pretty good answer to many questions.

As a lot of other people have said on other issues you cannot reason with a person who has AD. So there is not much point in trying to discuss the issues with her. Just tell her you are going to help her with financial decisions. If she is able to help make any decisions I guess you could ask her opinion but then you need to do what needs to be done regardless what she thinks.

The court is appointing YOU as the person responsible so it is up to you to make sure her interests are protected from others and from her own bad judgement.

Make sure you understand all of the paperwork that is required to be submitted to the court. I know in some states it is a lot to keep track of.

Wave the papers in front of the boyfriend and make it clear that you will get a restraining order against him if he stands in the way.

He's a bigger obstacle than her as he is the one telling her bad things about you.

Hey everyone, thanks for your replies. I'm so glad I found this forum, you are always answer with so much kindness and thoughtfulness.

Not to be contrary, but by law, she has to be told. She has the legal right to attend all the hearings and to have a lawyer with her if she wants. She also has the right to object to the petition. I sure hope she won't. On the other hand, the boyfriend will put up a fuss and insist that I'm trying to get complete control over her.

I feel a moral obligation to tell her myself - I want to try to soften the blow if I can. I want to reassure her that I will work with her to pay her bills, as long as she is able. I also want her to feel that I am working with with her in her personal life too. I think being her guardian will be the biggest challenge for both of us. It will really feel strange.

I have to tell her very soon. I moved a lot of her money out of harm's way at two of her banks and I don't want her to bounce any checks. Tonight she called because she can't find her key to the safe deposit box.

I just don't know how to bring the subject up to her.
Any other suggestions?

Thanks,
K

quote:

Originally posted by vjh:
I think if it were me I would limit my discussion with mom to something very mild like the judge said that I need to help you. I would avoid all details with mom. If she asks why, again i would keep to the minimal truths, because I am your daughter and daughters always should help their parents. The judge said may be a pretty good answer to many questions.

Vhj, I agree with what you suggest...limit information given as their minds can't grasp what we are wishing to do to help them.

Many, many times over I tried to include mom in detailed conversations, but 10 minutes later she had forgotten and I'd have to restate again. Just can't get too detailed as they will not remember and possibly not understand your intentions. Too confusing!!

You go with your gut feeling and if you wish to be "specific" with your mom, go with it. But...in the end know she possibly will not be on same page as you.

Best to you and you're doing a great job!!! Know you've got the best intentions for your parent.

quote:

by law, she has to be told. She has the legal right to attend all the hearings and to have a lawyer with her if she wants. She also has the right to object to the petition.

1) Yes - but the law doesn't require YOU to tell her. That's the role of the court and the GAL and your mom's lawyer.

2) That said, I hear you on wanting to be transparent with her about this.

Lots of us worry about this kind of discussion because we feel like we need to be open with our ADLO so they will trust us in the future. The hard-to-accept truth is that they will not remember this conversation, and if they do, it will be with great confusion, not clear understanding.

I have a different perspective: the most important goal is to say whatever we need to so that our ADLO is cooperative, vs upset and fighting us.

Our previous relationship with them AND (this is important) the progression of the disease itself and which parts of the brain it affects will determine whether they continue trust us and others, or whether they don't.

3) Don't overexplain. Most of us make that mistake with our ADLOs. It doesn't help and sometimes makes it worse.

Usually we're really doing it out of a misplaced sense that full disclosure is best for our ADLO.

Keep it very very simple. And let loving lies be your (and her) friend.

For example:

"Mom, the court asked me to keep your money safe. Here's the money for you to spend (hand her a little cash). Just tell me when you need more."

"Mom, the bank said I had to get a new account to keep your money safe. Here's the money for you to spend (hand her a little cash). Just tell me when you need more."

I know that explanation has all kinds of holes in it - but it's a near-certainty that she won't realize that.

And if she asks an awkward question, just say something like:

"That's a great question. Let me find that out for you."

4) You also need to take away checks and ATM cards so she CAN'T overdraw her account. Tell her they had to be reprinted for the new year and will be here in a couple of weeks.

I agree with telling just enough ...

When my husband and SIL needed to be able to access MIL's bank account, I gave her a withdrawl slip to sign and told her it was so they could pay for her prescriptions. When we went to the attorney for the POA, we told MIL, who had not yet been diagnosed with alz and who could "fake it" for short periods of time, that the paperwork was just so that they could do her banking for her because it was going to snow a lot that winter and this way she would not have to go out in bad weather. WHATEVER WORKS!

[QUOTE]Originally posted by jellybeans:
Does your Mom know she has AD or at least "memory problems?" If she's aware that her brain is older or not as sharp as it once was, I think I'd say something like "Mom, you know how your memory isn't as great as it used to be? Well, your doctor said that you need someone to help you make big decisions. I would rather be the one to help you make those decisions instead of some stranger or someone who might want to take advantage of you. " I'd then reassure her that she'll still have a say in everything , even if that's a fiblet in the future.
Good luck with this. it's certainly a process, but you're doing well and your Mom is lucky to have such a great daughter on her side.

Jellybeans, I must coment on "fiblet" I absolutely love it. Thank you for your great advice. Admire your responses.
Sheryl