Hello all,

I have only posted here once before. I have an 80 year old mother who is in AL in a dementia unit. She has been there since June. She is about stage 5. She seemed to be o.k. with being there after throwing the initial fit and being really hateful when we first put her in there.

Then her roommate moved to another room - private. They gave Mom this lady that has some psychiatric problems - she sometimes cries for no particular reason and apparently is sometimes nasty. Ever since Mom got this roommate she has complained to me every time I see her about how intolerable the roommate is, etc. When I first asked for a different roommate, the AL director told me that the things Mom complained about were not true because their employees check on the residents every 2 hours and never saw the things Mom talked about. That was about a month ago. I put up with that, but yesterday I had enough after visiting Mom again and having her tell me she didn't want to live there. I e-mailed the administrator and told her I wanted her to find Mom a new roommate even if she has to change rooms. She e-mails me back and says she will make every effort to find mom a new roommate, but that she'd like to meet with me to "discuss the issues". I e-mailed back and said I didn't have any issues other than wanting a different roommate for Mom and didn't see the needs to discuss anything unless she can tell me what needs to be discussed. I figure she is just wanting to talk me out of it again.

Now I am wondering if I am being unreasonable. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.

I am having some issues too, and mom has only been there 2 weeks! I have posted about the meds.

What I am learning is to go with my gut feelings. Stick to your guns, it sounds like your mom is able to know what's going on and if she never complained about the other roommate, then this is not a continuing problem.

I liked your response to the admnistrator. I would also want to know what " every effort means" and how quickly this will be done.

Meet with her if you have to, but I don't feel you are being unreasonable.

quote:

Originally posted by PAdams:
there.

They gave Mom this lady that has some psychiatric problems - she sometimes cries for no particular reason and apparently is sometimes nasty.

How much time have you spent in the room with both of them to observe the behavior?

First of all, crying cannot be helped. Does the room have a curtain between the beds that can be closed to provide some level of privacy?

If your schedule does not allow you for a face-to-face visit with the administrators, I would suggest you schedule a telephone conversation.

Perhaps there is information they have to share about your mother's own behavior -- and an e-mail is not necessarily the best place for that.

No roommate is going to be perfect -- and health will decline and may bring some new behavior issues for any of the residents.

I would not automatically take my mother's word. For example, my mom said they were going to tear down the building and put it back up -- there were numbers written all over the ceiling to show how they were going to do it. She also told me several of the residents also killed their spouses. Hmmmm?

In your shoes, I would have called the administrator, said "We seem to continue to have a problem with the roommate. How quickly can we meet to discuss this in more detail?" You want the administrator there, the director of nursing and preferably one of the nurses from her unit.

The second step is not to come off as the bitchy complaining daughter, even if it means chewing heavily on your tongue. At every meeting (some for issues, some routine care plan meetings), I always thank the staff for working so hard to take care of my mom and appreciating how hard it is to care for so many patients with dementia at one time. Sometimes I have my fingers crossed as I say this! You get much better responses and care for Mom with a little honey, even if artificially produced.

There are several issues here. If roomie is crying and nasty, there is an issue with roomie that is broader than your Mom. You should be concerned for her as well.

Has anyone but your mother noted these behaviors? You say the aides check on her every two hours and haven't seen it. It sounds like you have not seen it either. It is possible your mom is misinterpreting to some degree. For one thing, I would ask the NH/ALF to check on the two of them more randomly and more often for a few days so someone can "catch her in the act." Does anyone else report these behaviors in the roomie?

And if the staff is checking on them every two hours, does that mean they sit in their room all day long? That's not a great situation,either. Mom needs more interaction that that, and any two people sitting in a room 24/7 will get grouchy with each other.

So I would try a nice long discussion, not just an ultimatum over the phone, to accomplish my goal. If they basically respond, "Tough, she'll take whatever roommate we give her and we don't care about trying to make their relationship work," or if they don't follow through on commitments, then my Inner Bitch would come out. (And she is mighty to behold!)

Let us know how this all turns out. We care!

I think it's a good ideal to talk to the admin (vs just email). You always want to keep the lines of communication as open as possible.

Most of these ALF/NH admins are not sneaky, devious people. They're not trying to talk you into doing something harmful to your mom. They ARE trying to balance a whole bunch of factors and there are never GOOD answers, just less-bad ones. Nothing works for long - it's just better for awhile. What's better for one resident is difficult for another. And so forth.

Plus, your mom may or may not be an accurate reporter of what's happening. Hopefully you have been able to observe first-hand and can separate facts from possible confusion or inaccuracy.

My mom hated her roommate - but for reasons that would only make sense to someone with dementia. This woman was not even in the room most of the time, and very quiet when she was there. Yet my mom couldn't stand her and described her behavior in ways that were not remotely accurate.

I debated whether to try to change roomies - and decided there was no point.

The bottom line is that no one is in a dementia-care ALF because they WANT to be there and are having an easy time of it.

Everyone is there because they have severe cognitive impairments and are very confused and perturbed about what goes on around them.

So it's not always practical or realistic to try to solve problems like these (whether real or perceived) because it's like that "Whack-A-Mole" game - another issue will pop up to take its place.

You change one roommate - and there's a problem with the next one, too. Or you get a great roommate - and then their disease progresses or your mom's condition progresses.

For us, I have come to the conclusion that complaints about resident behaviors are part of the deal. I do make sure that Mom's stories get checked out if they involve something like physical contact with another resident. I never just write it all off as "confusion."

But the bottom-line is that complaints about other residents are just part of being in a facility dedicated to dementia care.

So my solution is to sympathize with Mom, and then move on to another topic.

It is what it is.

One other point - when I first placed my mom, I felt like I had to fight all her battles...in other words, every time she was unhappy about anything, I felt I had to ride to the rescue.

Then I realized that:

1) I'm not there all the time, so she needs to draw on the capabilities she DOES still have to fight her own battles (just like we can't fight all our toddlers' battles in nursery school and kindergarten)

We talk about making sure that we give our LOs room to use the abilities they DO still have - this is a good example of doing exactly that

and

2) she can still find ways to solve her own problems

For example - my mom wasn't happy about some of the food in her first dementia-care ALF. She would put it in her water glass. OK, problem solved. She was certainly getting enough food to eat and be happy - I didn't need to intervene. Unconventional but it worked.

3) I need to keep my firepower in reserve for the truly serious issues and not waste my energies and burn the relationship with the administration on the day-to-day stuff.

Otherwise, it's the "cry wolf" problem if I treat every issue as if it's equally serious.

Oh,,get ready for this "administrator" to tell you some of your Mom's quirks and bad and annoying habits,,,,this way the administrator thinks by doing this to you and your Mom,,that it will balance out the scales.

In the first place,,when someone lives in ALF,,and they live in a secured dementia wing,,,there should'nt be rooms shared with two people that aren't of the same illness.

In that I mean,,if a person has physciatric problems,,then she should be in a ward/wing for people with physciatric problems,,not with people that have been diagnosed as AD or another form of dementia.

Of course we all know that our LO's do some strange things,,and can behave badly,,or sadly,,or even make things up,,but never ever do we as a caregiver/advocate take what they say for granted. In my opinion,,there's always a small grain of truth and reality as to whats being told to us by our LO,,even if it requires us to do some investigating and figuring things out.

And don't believe for a minute that the staff is checking on your Mother or any other resident,,every 2 hours...that doesn't happen at any ALF,,,not unless its a small resident facility of 8 to 10 residents,,and even then it would still be debatable.

I think it would be an excellent idea if you were to meet face to face with the administrator and let her know that you are disatisfied with the choice of roomate they've picked for your Mother,,and if your Mom is willing to share a room,,it has to be with someone that she is compatable with.

And also,,tell them that you want that other woman moved out ASAP,,and if your Mom's monthly rent at ALF is based on her sharing a room,,you have no intention of paying extra for her to be in the room alone,,its up to them to find a suitable and compatible roomate for your Mother,,at no extra charge to your Mom.

But also,,you have to be very observant that this also isnt' a "mom moment" of being a bit "wrong" in her account of things. She does have AD,,and unfortunately she may not see things the way they really are,,but in her mind,,she believes them for what she comprehends and such.

Just do your own investigating,,and do what has to be done. Let us know how things go.

quote:

In that I mean,,if a person has physciatric problems,,then she should be in a ward/wing for people with physciatric problems,,not with people that have been diagnosed as AD or another form of dementia.

This isn't how things work. In a dementia-care ALF, there are ALWAYS people with psychiatric issues.

A psychiatric issue is simply a behavioral problem caused by a brain dysfunction (like dementia).

Examples include delusions, hallucinations, persistent inappropriate crying, wandering, hoarding, and many, many other behaviors.

And it often isn't realistic or possible to demand a roommate without any dementia behaviors!

There's no reason for people to go to a psych unit unless they are combative or exceptionally disruptive and agitated - way beyond anything described here.

The fundamental issue is that in a group setting, our ADLOs are going to be around people and things that they don't like (whether real or not).

I see other things here that raise concerns (I too doubt they're checking every two hours, for example), but forcing a roommate change because she "sometimes cries" and makes comments Mom doesn't like isn't necessarily realistic or possible.

If this roomate isn't a good fit for your Mother,,then the roomate should be moved out and in with another resident,,,and I would advise you insist on that. There isn't any logic as to why your Mom should have to leave a room that she is comfortable in and it was "her room" before this new roomate came in there.

Also,,I sort of agree with Puglove,,,that in effect,,yes,,people with AD have a brain disorder and do some strange things and behaviors,,however,,if this roomate doesn't have AD,,why was she placed in a room with someone who does?

I would insist that your Mom keeps her room,,and the roomate be moved to a private room,,where she won't be annoying or upsetting anyone.

Also,,,try to go to the facility and see for yourself whats going on. Have you spoken to the staff,,,such as the aides and nurses about this? Get their take on things. Keep us posted . Peace

I have found I get alot cooperation from the facility my mom is at when I go there to discuss how the situation can be resolved. I get upset at times but always at home, not when I am on the phone with them.

I would definitely recommend going there in person and try to reach a resolution. I would also try not moving her to another room...it might be very confusing to her.

Try to work with the facility...it pays off in the long run for both you and your mom.
Let us know how it goes.