My mom is probably stage 5/moderate but boy does she pace and really at sundown (sundowning) and it makes me crazy.....it's like having ants in the pants. I'll ask her if she wants to watch tv and she says yes; I turn it on or turn on a DVD in the living room and she's up in a flash inher room going through her wallet, hiding her purse, rehiding it......she hides mail too her mail (she is living with me). Didn't know she was doing it until I put clean clothes in her drawer and there low and behold a bill...if I am power of attorney and can act with or without her how am I suppose to keep track of things if she hides them...
she also thinks I'm taking her ss check every month even tho I've explained a thousand times that it automatically goes into her checking...

I can't believe what I seeing and learning about this dreadful disease...it makes me nuts to see her nuts...and I say that with sincerity.

I did have a flash back though of my childhood when my mother used to call me or the things I did stupid...now look who is medically stupid..I just wondered...is this her payback...I dunno it was just a thought and at times I mumble to myself "and you used to call me stupid." Naturally, I grew up not feeling very confident of bright enough or for that matter even good enough. Hence, at 21 I became a flight attendant...I never felt as pretty as the other co workers...as I travel and saw sights of the U.S. I became interested in history and more.....so I returned to school (college). I now have my Masters In clincal psychology) theraPIST cannot heal or help thyself of course.

Anyway enough of my babbling...but my childhood issue(s) do come up. Does this happen to anyone else?
Once again how do I stay glued together when she's sundowning.....
Thanks,
Bela

Hi Bela. I have one word for you in regard to sundownng.....Seroquel! My mom used to go straight off the deep end around 4PM. The seroquel has been a miracle worker. I give her one half tab in the AM and a whole tab in the PM. I can give her one half tab extra up to twice a day if needed for aggitation. I too have struggles with past issues. My mom has always been bossy and critical of others. It always drove me nuts. She was obsessive about having "order". I know where this stems from (childhood in Germany during WWII). But it didn't make it any easier to deal with. I also give mom Namenda. Now I have heard from others that it did not work well for their LO. However, I can tell you that it has had a dramatic effect on my mom. Although it doesn't improve her memory, she is more her old self. Her behavior is much less unstable. I know that it works because she missed a day of it when the med order didn't arrive in time. I could dramatically see the difference in her behavior. She was much more aggitated and irritable. Has your mom seen a neuropsychiatrist? That was the best move I ever made. Dr. Santulli at Dartmouth Medical Center sees mom about every 6 months and monitors her status. They retest her cognitive abilities at each visit. This is helpful to me to know where we are at stage wise. So far she has remained stable in the moderate stage. I felt very ashamed at first as I would argue with my mom when she became difficult. She would say that I was selfish because I wouldn't take her home. She would tell me that my sister (who did nothing but let mom rot) would help her. Like a child I became hurt and jealous. I now realise that I have to push those feelings aside and understand that I am dealing with a mind that can no longer function rationally. It has made a huge difference in how I respond. It has taken me a year of emotional turmoil to finally come to this place. Stay with us here. The people at this forum got me thru this past year with my sanity intact. You will never, ever meet a more wonderful group of caring, loving, nonjudgemental and wise human beings. Best of luck,Bela. Hang in there! God bless! Fran

Please do call your Mother's Dr and inform him/her of your Mom's behavior. There are many meds out there they can greatly assisted with the sundowning and anger and anxiousness.

IF she is on Aricept or Namenda,,its possible that one or both could be a contributor to the behavior,,,or not.

Respirdal or Seroquel should,,in my opinion,,be the last resort drugs to take. Both are anti physcotics that can have devastating side effects and health effects for the person taking them.

That being said,,my Mother takes Respridal 2x's a day,,very low dose,,to assist her with her behavior. But before her being placed on the Respirdal,,,other drugs were tried.

Regardless of what new medications are introduced,,its of the utmost importance that you observe closely to look for other side effects,,and should you notice something out of the norm,,call the Dr.

But really,,,call the Dr and discuss things with him/her first,,and see what can be done to help your Mom not to have to feel this way.

Keep us posted. Peace

Childhood issues or issues of when you were younger come out because you're changing roles, you are in a way becoming the parent.

MIL has always been really mean to me, she's a jealous person and said right out to me after we got married 'You stole my son from me', that I was never good enough etc. She has interfered in our married life and child raising the entire time we've been married, showing up at all hours, throwing tantrums(at 50 some-odd years old!) when she didn't get her way, calling the elementary school to tell the teachers I was an unfit mother, all sorts of awful things. The whole family was cowed by her temper. No one ever stood up to her. She lived next door to her parents after marriage and so has never cooked or cleaned a day in her life...right after her mother died I married her son, so she had someone else to clean her house. My poor father-in-law had been doing all the cooking after MILs mother died, he watched cooking programs and bought books and taught himself because MIL refused to cook after her mother died. I did a lot to spare him, the poor guy. She'd just been a social butterfly all her life.

I am an American married to a Japanese man living in Japan, and now that she has dementia she's lecturing me every day about how a 'proper Japanese daughter-in-law' would supposedly do things much better and calling me 'stupid foreigner'. There's a lot of really lousy memories to begin with and now this. And, I'm primarily responsible for her on a day-to-day basis. My husband is an only child, and so is MIL. There is no other family. My husband's problem is that she didn't raise him...his grandmother got up for the middle of the night feedings and diaper changes, made his school lunches, and his Dad helped him with sports, Boy Scouts and homework. MIL wasn't in the picture, even though under the same roof. She loved the title of 'mother' but only wanted him when he was clean and fed as a baby, and as little as possible when he was older. He says 'She's not my mother'....

So now we deal with this bad-tempered selfish person with dementia. After all the meanness I've endured from her over the past 28 years it's sometimes really hard to go over and eat meals with her every day as she sits and insults me. I know that now it's the Alzheimer's talking but it is so similar to the insulting way she has always talked to me that I keep having the same gut reaction of total recoil from her, even though 5 minutes later she forgets what she said, it hits me like it always has.....I'll just have to get over it if I'm going to care for her. It seems like the same old insults but now it's not and she forgets right away so I need to learn to, too. I'd suggest (and I mean this very kindly) for you to let bygones be bygones as much as you can, Bela. If an issue comes up, a flashback, take time to think about it, turn it over in your mind, see what it means to you, and then put it in the 'out' pile. I have not mastered it, but I am working on it! You will feel better.

Hugs.

Crella,,I have to respond to you. May I ask you something,,why would you stay married to a man that lives in another country,,and yet his Mother is here in the USA,,and you take care of her?

I ask this,,because I have a cousin who is married to a man for many years,,and they do not live together anymore, for at least 6 years.

I find it peculiar to married and yet not together. Not much of a marriage,,just a mockery,,,course this is my opinion,,and I'm not of oriental descent.

Why not just ship your MIL back to Japan where her son is,,and let him take care of her.

Guess I just don't get it! Peace

Oh no, I'm sorry, we all live in Japan...I re-read my post and it's a mish-mosh of misplaced modifiers, I realize now how that reads.

I am an American married to a Japanese man living in Japan taking care of my Japanese MIL who lives 100 yards down the street from us. I'm so sorry! That's what I meant!

Sorry if this stirs the pot but if your husband does not consider her his "mother", why are you doing the caretaking? Why should it be your responsibility?
Sorry, but if it was me, I would hire someone to come in or find a place for her. Life is too short to have to deal with constant abuse.

Well, although he doesn't *feel* she is his mother, he *knows* that she is (if that makes sense)and so feels obligated to care for her. On weekends he cooks lunch for us to bring to her house, he spends time with her which he can't on weekdays, he just gets home too late. It's kind of 'paying it backwards' as he feels he owes it to his ancestors to take good care of his mother even though she's a nasty person. Buddhism and all that...

She was hospitalized a good bit of last year as her symptoms really got worse and she also needed to get her diabetes under control...she just got back May 9th to her own house, we're still in the process of seeing what she needs for care. We have the 'home helpers' coming in twice a week for 1.5 hours each time, it's covered by the Japanese version of Medicare. Family doing 90% of the care is common here, I am going to have a heckuva time finding anyone to come in to take care of her.

I can't relate to you with the pacing and mistrust. I feel for you though. My mother is in stage 6+. She doesn't know me anymore but accepts that I am taking care of her.
A time came a long way back when I had to sort her mail before she got it so I could get the bills and pay them. She will not know what came for her and you will not have to be mad at her for what she is doing that she can't control. That is the issue, everything that she is doing, she is not in control of. The disease has her under it's control. You must begin for your own sake with the little white lies. Hurt no-one but take care of what has to be taken care of so you can pat yourself on the back at the end of the day. Her opinion of you shouldn't matter anymore. You are an adult taking care of someone who cannot. Be proud of yourself for your efforts. Even though there are others in your family, you are able to handle her ups and downs and get through it.
I agree with the others that you need to inform her dr that she is pacing and sorting this way. I'm sure there is something that they could give her to calm this situation. She will never be able to totally care for herself again. Do what you need to do that makes your lives work better. You are doing a great job. Keep up the good work.

Hi Bela,
Boy, your mom, my mom. Same thing. Right down to the unkind things said to me as a child and the lack of self-esteem that resulted for me. It took me a little over a year to adjust after she moved in with me. I felt like I was 10 again and so inadequate. I love my mom, but there is some childhood pain and boy, did it resurface. It was awful because I found myself bending over backwards to try to please her, just like I did when I was a kid. And when I made a decision on her behalf, I felt like I was being dishonest and disobedient, even though I know I was doing the right things for her best interest. She can't comprehend or remember much aout her financial affairs. I have had bills go paperless and manage most bills on-line. Bank statements go to my work place and I keep all her records in a locked desk drawer in the basement.

Like your mom, my mom is up all the time, looking for the dog, looking for her purse or a ceramic cat or beanie babies. She usually drops in a heap by 9 ish but wakes up by the time I help her get pajamas on. If she is agitated or upset, she doesn't sleep well for several nights. I know she is up hiding things until 1 or 2 in the morning. I have read somewhere that you have to just allow the person with AD as much freedom as possible as long as they are safe. So far, she is not wandering up and down stairs nor outside, so I just sort of let her go and then invent a reason to seek her out a few times in the evening. I try to engage her in something, but it never lasts long.

Stay strong, Bela. I know I began to feel better when I started getting back to my exercise routine of taking a walk with the dog every evening. It really helps me cope.

Thanks Raven...whew you've had it hard....we all have it hard in some aspect ...thanks for helping me with the childhood issues

Bela

Hi Bela, in case you don't check the other thread I am pasting it here as well....

Bela, Thank you for your kind reply. I read your post about your moms pacing, there are medications to help her... we tried others but nothing helped until they finally put him on the Seroquel. Best of luck Nikki

Yeah, my dad has gone totally off the deep end too, and he's dragging my mom and me off it with him!

He's totally paranoid (meds don't affect it at all anymore), always complaining about "kids" in the house--there are no "kids" in our entire neighborhood!!--and he hides stuff constantly. Then when he can't find it, naturally, somebody stole it...and off he goes on a rant about how much he hates thieves.

He also takes stuff from my mom and me--WE have to hide stuff too! He takes everything from eyeglasses (without which I am blind), to inkpens, to candy. Nothing can be left out around him unless you're prepared to lose it.

He goes around with his pants absolutely sagging from the weight of the junk he crams in his pockets. He's also taken to going around with a bag full of worthless stuff--but naturally, it has to go with him to prevent "them" from stealing it.

His neurologist insists that Seroquel is the best med for him, but even tho we keep increasing the dosage, it's pretty worthless.

And OMG, the endless questions. On and on and on. He insists he has to find a job--he's 86 years old, for crying out loud!!!

He often doesn't recognize me or my mom, and he's always going on about "where is my family". He thinks people are coming by to "pick him up" and "take him home"--he doesn't believe us when we try to tell him that he IS home.

He is utterly lost in the house. My mom has to lead him to his own bed!

Oh yes, and he's deaf--has been for years, and it just keeps getting worse.

I swear, I am soon going to be crazier than he is.

Crella,,if I were in your situation,,,I would "cease and desist" going over and caring for MIL,,or going over to "eat meals" with MIL.

Its up to your husband and family to do the care for the old lady. Stop it,,,stop being her whipping post.

You are an "American",,,you were raised to have pride and dignity,,and even thru a family member that is ill with a disease,,you dont' have to continue with a daily constant barrage of degrading insults.

My Mother was a selfish self centered person her entire life,,,actually I lived with my Grandparents all my life,,,but as they got older,,we had to move into my Mom's. I knocked my socks off forever trying to be everything a person could be,,just to try to please my Mother. Well,,nothing was ever enough,,and I still loved her,,but I learned that there was no point in trying to meet up to her expectations. So I stopped trying.

I was happier as a person,,and learned to stand up for myself. Once I married and had my own children,,,I became the person that my Mother never was,,and I learned to stand up to my Mother in her own fashion,,such as saying no with a smile on my face.

But as the years have passed..and the AD came into play,,,I still had to do the honorable thing,,cause I couldn't live with myself if I didn't. Mom now lives in nice ALF close to my home. She is so much nicer now that she is medicated to help with her mean ass moods.

But I will say,,if she was my MIL,,,no way would I have endured what you are having to endure. I would've told my husband to do what he has to do,,let his family take care of her,,but I would be done as caregiver for a cranky unappreciative person such as your MIL.

Sounds like your MIL was a wench all of her life,,even long before the AD took over,,,so you owe her nothing. Get on with your life,,take back your life,,let your husband know that you've had enough.

If he gets upset or angry,,tell him he'll have to get over it. Be strong and take back your life. Peace

Raven, I answered Bela's post about past issues coming to mind while caring for a person with AD. I tried to give a capsule version of the situation, as it is a little different from her exact situation, a parent-child relationship, but wanted her to know that even when it is not parent-child such issues can come to the fore, and those feelings can be hard to deal with. The change in the relationship dynamic, a person formerly in a dominant role, or a difficult person, gradually becoming helpless is jarring. I believe that this was Bela's issue, and so I tried to reassure her that it happens.

MIL has AD. She can no longer cook, she can no longer take her meds on her own. We are getting her all the help that her insurance will cover at the present time. If she were on her own, she would eat nothing but rice, salty pickled food, popcorn, and crackers, and she has diabetes as well as AD. Diabetes that can be controlled by diet and some medication-she's not at the level of needing insulin yet, but could very well get there with a diet like the above. It was for that reason, as well a couple falls, that we moved her near us almost two years ago. She was eating half a box of Ritz crackers for her dinner, eating popcorn for breakfast. She lives near us, not with us:-) We know it would be impossible to live with her, and she refuses to live with us. Before that she was 25 miles away and I was going three times a week. So distance-wise we've got a solution we can live with, I can always come back to my own house, she will not follow me there.

As I said, such feelings are difficult to deal with but they can be dealt with , with help. That's why we're all on this forum I guess. It's easy in a way to say 'refuse to go' (and God only knows how tempted I am at times!!)but how do you let someone with dementia and diabetes fend for themselves? Her in-home help can't be increased, and it's too early for her to be admitted somewhere. My husband can't quit his job and take care of her, he owns his own business. He's an only child, so is she. It's not physically possible for him to care for her, and as I said, there is no other family. All the aunties have passed away in just the past three years, my husband has a couple of cousins, but cousins? It's hard enough usually to get siblings to help (if he had any)...one cousin just lost his wife, the other is taking care if his mother. We're 'it'.

It sounds like you have many more care options in the US now than are available for us here. Japan is late in coming to terms with the numbers of elderly presenting with AD. Until recently here, nursing homes were for those with no families, and the stigma persists. Homes are few and far between. We have 'home helpers' who basically assist with activities of daily living, there is little home nursing and few hospice services. We're doing what we can with the options we have.

I have my pride and dignity. I said she was insulting me, I didn't mean to imply that she was beating me down. It's aggravating and hurtful but how is that different from any other combative AD patient? Some patients are combative even though they were always nice before the AD. I've been thinking a lot after my original post, and I arrived at the idea of trying to think of it now as 'before AD' and 'after AD' we try and separate her past treatment of us (my husband also was always treated badly by her)from how she is now... what they've been like or done to you before really has no bearing now that they are not responsible. You can't hold them accountable for a past they don't remember. yes, she was always nasty but now she's (while still nasty 70% of the time) a confused frightened old lady losing abilities daily.

I also did not mean to imply that I have no life of my own, or that I'm at the end of my rope. When I'm in trouble and/or near the end of my rope, you'll all hear me loud and clear I'm sure :-) As far as the insults,I have to 'take it from where it comes', isn't that what we have to do with AD? Even though it can be hard? She was nasty all her life, yes. But now it's beyond her control, what comes out of her mouth. I can't see 'standing up for myself' with someone who has no judgement and can't remember what she's said 5 minutes later. I feel more sorry for my husband, having her for a mother.

I take music lessons twice a month, get to the gym twice a week (some weeks only once, but at least once-it's non-negotiable). She does not live under my roof. When meals are over, I gather up the dishes and go home. On her good days I spend time with her helping her with chores she needs done, on her nasty days I make sure she has enough to eat, she has her meds and I leave well enough alone. This is the way we've decided to handle it, it gets her her care, she's well-fed and has all her needs met, and we have our privacy.

I hope this isn't a mish-mosh....it's 4 am here. MIL is in care (in hospital to readjust her medications) and I am leaving for the US today to see my own mother for a couple of weeks while she's being taken care of. I've been awake since 3, and may not be at my best, but I hope I've given you a window into where we are and why.