I've given up but my mother wants to keep fighting for her mother and has asked me to help.

My grandmother (mom's mom) has alzheimer's. She remarried about 10 years ago and the alzheimer's started about 3 years ago. Her husband also has alzheimer's but she helped him take his meds daily and now he knows to take his meds HOWEVER he prevents her from taking her meds and does not let us see her. He'll disconnect phones, tell her wrong days so she is not ready to see us, etc. When we do see her we've seen him shove and push her around when she can't figure things out on her own.

We've called social services (Adult Protective Services) but they go over and she says she feels fine and they leave. We've brought her to doctors and paid attorney's and everyone says there's not much we can do.

Is that it, nothing can be done? We use to see her weekly and now we're lucky if we see her every season. She's missed many birthdays and holidays and it really hurts our family to see this abuse continue to occur. Is there any way he can be charged for preventing her from taking her meds or is there anyway we can fight for "visitation"?

Contact your local Alzheimer's Assn, they can provide you with a lot of information.

Your mother should talk to an Elder Attorney, they specialize and are more aware of elder issues. Possibly your mother or another family member could file for Guardianship. Your step-father would have to show competency and in the best interest of your grandmother.

After a family member is granted guardianship, you may need to move her into someone's home or a nursing home. Then the lawyer could file for a restraining order against her husband.

You mentioned social services, but it is the agency that deals with Elder Abuse that should be assisting and overseeing this.

quote:

Originally posted by Anita Porpoise:
Contact your local Alzheimer's Assn, they can provide you with a lot of information.

Your mother should talk to an Elder Attorney, they specialize and are more aware of elder issues. Possibly your mother or another family member could file for Guardianship. Your step-father would have to show competency and in the best interest of your grandmother.

After a family member is granted guardianship, you may need to move her into someone's home or a nursing home. Then the lawyer could file for a restraining order against her husband.

You mentioned social services, but it is the agency that deals with Elder Abuse that should be assisting and overseeing this.

how do you determine who a "elder attorney" is? we'll call the alzheimer's assn and see if they can recommend someone, thank you so much for your help you have no idea how much this has helped!!!

Elder Abuse, St Louis, MO & Illinois

Click on above for Abuse hotline numbers and information.

Elder Attorneys usually advertise as such. Also look on http://www.YellowPage.com

If you were arrested for a crime you would not necessarily want a real estate attorney. So it is important that you find an elder attorney.

Well,,this is "elder abuse" in the sense that neither of them have any sense. Both have AD. So,,if it were my Grandma,,,I would go and kick the damned door in and take her out of there,,I'd tell her I was taking her for dinner,,and I'd tell her husband that she'll be back later.

Let him call the police,,by this time you should have retained a good lawyer,,and APS has a record of their visits to the home,,which they sound stupid anyhow....I guess it "eluded" them that both folks have AD,,therefore compentency to care for one another ,,well its flown the coop. Good luck. Tell your Mom she can help,,and get a couple of the male family members to go over there with you and your Mom.

Pull up your pantyhose,,,your'e in for a fight. Keep us posted. Peace

fight for her. no one will if you do not.

Hello, my name is Tom and I want to WELCOME you to this board that is designed for people like you and I! I’m sorry to hear about your problems. It is very important to keep a positive attitude!

Quoting eloquentsolution:"fight for her. no one will if you do not"



My story,
I’m not a professional in this area. I’m a person with AD that serves as a volunteer on the message board. In June of 2008 (age 58) I was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s related dementia. I began visiting this message board in August 2008 and the people have become important to me. I’m sure that you will find a number of supporters here for you.

I will attach a link to a site that will lead you to your local Alzheimer’s Association
Chapter. Those people will be able to assist you with local resources and thoughts to improve your life:
http://www.alz.org/apps/findus.asp

Please call the 24/7 Helpline at
1-800-272-3900 if you have any pressing issues!

Power of Attorney info
http://www.alznyc.org/caregivers/legalplanning.asp

The Alzheimer’s library
http://alzheimers.boomja.com/C...rst-Steps-61311.html

Caregiving
https://www.carerunner.com/welcome
http://www.alzstore.com/

For Elder Care:
http://www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare/Public/Home.asp

http://www.eldercarelink.com/p...KMvJgCFQHHGgodEUfpag

Senior Care
http://www.sittercity.com/senior-care.html?pc=cjaf


It seems to me that you are addressing the correct forum. I hope this information helps you to resolve your issues. Best of luck to you. Please come on back to visit us soon!

Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Find elder law attorneys here:

Natl Academy of Elder Law Attorneys
http://www.naela.org/MemberDirectory/

National Elder Law Foundation
http://www.nelf.org/

quote:

Originally posted by Anita Porpoise:
Elder Abuse, St Louis, MO & Illinois

Click on above for Abuse hotline numbers and information.

Elder Attorneys usually advertise as such. Also look on http://www.YellowPage.com

If you were arrested for a crime you would not necessarily want a real estate attorney. So it is important that you find an elder attorney.

The reason I asked how do you determine who a "elder attorney" is because my mom was referred to a attorney who represented himself as a elder attorney who basically contradicted everything I have read on this thread. He said there was nothing we could do, if we did go to court it would be many thousands of dollars and my grandmother could plead the 5th so she wouldn't have to answer questions and we'd lose. He then charged $500 for that advice.

the alz association should be able to give you names of certified elder lawyers in your state, your county may have a commission on aging that could also give you referrals, and I got my elder lawyer from the local jewish council on aging. This is obviously a remarriage for them both, does he have children from prior marriages, and what do they say. He husbands irrationality is common with dementia, but hopefully his children will be more amendable to reason.

If you have truly exhausted all the legal remodies, then consider less straight forward approaches. Bring your gm to visit, give her her daily medications and dont send her back to her husband. Document any bruises, or other physical signs of neglect or abuse. Let him get a court order, and let him fight for quardianship.

Thinking more about this...

You call him her "new" husband - but they've been together for a decade.

So has he always been like this? Or is this new behavior, that's really part of the disease?

And does he have kids that you could reach out to?

quote:

Originally posted by Grassflower:
Thinking more about this...

You call him her "new" husband - but they've been together for a decade.

So has he always been like this? Or is this new behavior, that's really part of the disease?

And does he have kids that you could reach out to?

Yes 10 years is awhile, but to her it's a "new" husband. She is 90 after all.

He's always tried to be controlling but before alzheimer's she would tell him what's what. Now she's timid and meek.

Yes he has kids but they didn't want him to marry her and vice versa so there is no relationship between the two families.

quote:

Originally posted by vjh:
If you have truly exhausted all the legal remodies, then consider less straight forward approaches. Bring your gm to visit, give her her daily medications and dont send her back to her husband. Document any bruises, or other physical signs of neglect or abuse. Let him get a court order, and let him fight for quardianship.

we've considered this, but couldn't that be considered kidnapping? Of course we wouldn't be holding her against her will but she has alzheimer's so he could argue her "will" is not her own. Besides after a day or two she does want to go back to her home, but we think it's more because she remembers the happy times and doesn't remember more recent events, and when she does remember she gets scared that if she doesn't return her punishment will be worse.

quote:
Yes he has kids but they didn't want him to marry her and vice versa so there is no relationship between the two families.

Couldn't this work to your advantage?

In other words, if you contact them and say you want to bring your gmom to live with you (or whatever - just one of the possibilities), might they welcome that and support you in doing it?

The other possibility is to hire an elder law specialist and seek guardianship through the courts. The initial consult is generally free. Lay out the facts - his own dementia diagnosis, any other hard evidence you have of negligent care, without all the emotion - and ask the lawyer what your chances of winning guardianship would be.

it might be kidnapping, and it might not be. I would be tempted to get her to your house and then apply for emergency guardianship or ask her to sign poa. keeping her safe is important.

Whose house is it? How much stuff do they have owned jointly? Is there going to be a stink over what stuff belongs to whom?

I'd call his family and say, "Look, I think it's time that we seperated our folks so that you can take care of your dad and I can take care of my mom. Mom is sick. He's sick and I don't think they can take care of one another any more." Unless they are complete morons or greedy bastages, they might go for it. Everyone gets their parent back. Everyone gets better care, or at least you know your mother will.

I personally would just go and get her and then say she's too ill to return home. Especially if he's been neglectful to her. Heck, he's had AD longer than she's had it! He can't take care of himself much less her.

It sounds like my folks, honestly. They were at the point where they were hiding medications from one another. And Mom would feed Dad nitro tablets like tic tacs. We finally literally ambushed them and took them to the NH at the same time. I was really afraid that one of them would hurt the other.

Worriedforgrandma,
If you/your family were able to get your Grandma into a better situation, would the plan be for her to be cared for in a family member's home or for her to live in an ALF or Nursing home? If the plan would be for her to be in an ALF or NH, maybe you could work on getting her and her husband into a facility together?
I know that the two families aren't really unified, but perhaps if you all work together for what's best for the two of them, both sides would be willing.
I wish you the best of luck with this. It's a tough situation and I can't imagine having to deal with all of this on top of the AD. I love my Grandma so much and I think it's awesome that you're trying to keep your Grandma safe.

quote:

The reason I asked how do you determine who a "elder attorney" is because my mom was referred to a attorney who represented himself as a elder attorney who basically contradicted everything I have read on this thread. He said there was nothing we could do, if we did go to court it would be many thousands of dollars and my grandmother could plead the 5th so she wouldn't have to answer questions and we'd lose. He then charged $500 for that advice.

I had a similar experience when I tried to get my aunt free from my uncle's control (he kept releasing himself home from hospital to her care though she was becoming ill from caring for him.) The lawyer told me that people were legally allowed to make bad decisions for themselves...

I finally got her away from her husband by telling social workers that I was bringing her to a safe house for domestic violence (I had found one that would take older women). I didn't have to act on the threat...once domestic violence/abuse was reported the social workers found him a NH.

I agree with others that easiest path may be to work with his family to decide to split the caregiving.
ps Just remember that when she soon asks to "go home," that she, like most alz patients, will mean her childhood home--and not remember her more recent ten years with him.

Worriedforgrandma,

To determine a good elder law attorney, look for the CELA (Certified Elder Law Attorney) accredidation. Some attorneys advertise themselves as elder law, but have no certification. Also, the initial consult shouldn't be $500, and should be deducted from whatever services you retain the attorney for afterward. Ask this in advance.

I agree, you need to get grandma out of that situation. It definitely sounds like abuse. Try to work with the step-siblings if possible. Otherwise, just get her out of there.

Welcome to our forum! Sorry you're having so many worries, but glad you found us.

Hugs & prayers.

quote:

Originally posted by Lammie:
I'd call his family and say, "Look, I think it's time that we seperated our folks so that you can take care of your dad and I can take care of my mom. Mom is sick. He's sick and I don't think they can take care of one another any more." Unless they are complete morons or greedy bastages, they might go for it. Everyone gets their parent back. Everyone gets better care, or at least you know your mother will.

I believe part of the reason his children didn't want him to remarry is they were worried he'd die first and they would not receive inheritance. He sold his small house to move in with her and they're living off the profit. I don't think they really want to take care of him.