For 5 years I had been caring for my parents who lived in their home. My father fought the good fight against lung cancer but two years ago, he lost the battle. Anyway, I would drive them to appointments, make the meals, wash the clothes, shovel the snow, typical caregiver stuff. During the time my Dad was alive, my mother seemed "off" to me and my Dad and my brother pretty much blew me off. My father did EVERYTHING in that house before he got sick. Made all the meals, the laundry, the cleaning, I mean everything. He really loved doing all this for my mother, so after he got sick, it fell to me. Anyway, my Dad died two years ago, and we finally got my mother to the doctor and she was diagnosed with AD. She insists on living at home and I would go there daily and my brother would go on the weekend. After a year and half of this, I pleaded with her to let me hire a caregiver to help. She finally relented and we have a wonderful woman who spends about 8 hours a week with her.
Anyway, I took her to the doctor last week, and he was quite direct with her about the health POA and said if he had to make the decision where she should live, he would put her in Assisted Living. Both my brother and my mother felt I had been incorrect and disloyal in telling the doctor that lately she has been unsteady getting up & down and walking and is having trouble getting dressed to the point that she wears her clothes to bed on Friday nights so she is dressed when my brother gets there on Saturday morning. So my brother wanted that POA signed immediately and told me to drive them to the notary. I asked if I could be on the POA as well and my mother informed me that she doesn't trust me and I was disloyal to her. She believes that the first chance I get I would put her in the "home." Nothing could be further from the truth. For five years, I have paid for groceries, doctor bills, medication, clothes, meals at restaurants for her. When she is the most distressed, I have brought her to my house for "sleepovers" so we could figure out what was wrong with her. (Temporary incontinence the last time.) During the past five years, I alternate between feeling either angry or guilty. Now I am just plain hurt to be told I am untrustworthy, however she still wants me to do everything and pay for everything and be pleasant as well. This week has been rough because I have been somewhat businesslike with her as opposed to acting like her usual dog. Do you guys have any advice??????

I'm sorry your Dad passed and sorry about your Mom's diagnosis too.
Unfortunately, AD isn't a disease that preserves rational thought. You and your brother did the right thing by telling her doctor about her symptoms. Because of the AD, your Mom can't see that. Your Mom is hurt right now, she feels like you told her secret to the doctor. She will get over this.

My advice (which I keep trying to follow myself) is easier said than done: breathe. Detach. This is a new relationship with our loved ones. I have come to be grateful for being able to be at least a little bit objective. Do your best to hire more caregiving. Use her money if you can. If not, be sure to keep a log of what was spent on what. You did the right thing. The doctor can't do his/her job without seeing the true picture of the person at home.

The only thing you can do is to try and recover what you spent while you were her POA. Unfortunately, that may never happen. You can still be cordial and helpful to her but when it comes time to pay for something or to run her to an appointment I'd call your brother and tell him it is his turn. He wanted it, now he's got it. Take it as a blessing for yourself.

I too find myself in a similar place. I have been trying take care of Mom & Dad for going on five years. Mom doesnt have AD but had a stroke which has handicapped her. Dad has been diagnosed with AD. They dont have a will etc. I do have P of A to pay bills etc and I also do their meds, doctor appointments, house repairs etc. Mom made me promise not to put her in a home. If it were just her I had to care for it would be no problem. Unfortunatley it is Dad who is the problem. I too have been dealing with all sorts of accusations of stealing "his" money, which in reality was earned by Mom. He signs up for almost any telemarket scam. I have to battle and try to undo every stupid thing he signs up for. I've changed their home phone number without telling them so the telemarkters are a least temporarily thrown off course. I am getting to the end of my rope with this. I thinking it maybe time to put them into a home. But I know it would kill mom. dad would love it, since he could become the court jester of the facility. I refuse to do something that would improve his quality of life at the expense of my Mom as I have grown to hate this man.
Well, sorry to vent, but thank you for reading, any thoughts or comment will be appreciated.

So sorry mmt, I think your brother is following dad's example but at your expense. Make sure that you turn to him to pay for everything necessary or get an allowance for her care that you can turn in receipts to him, that way there is not questions of irregular use of monies. On the side of how to react to your mother. IT IS THE DISEASE. My motto for every moment of the day except when she surfaces and it herself for those few precious seconds.

Thanks for the good advice and encouragement. I guess you all know how hard it is to do it all when you help your LO and then they tell you they don't trust you but they expect you to continue serving their needs. Sometimes I think my brother's game plan is to make me be the bad guy because I have been the one to bring in the Ensure for the calories, the Depends for the incontinence, the grab bars, the Miralax (all this stuff at the doctor's direction)and he is the one who takes her for drives in the country and mows her lawn. Well, thank you for listening. Time to give LO her meds.

quote:

Both my brother and my mother felt I had been incorrect and disloyal in telling the doctor that lately she has been unsteady getting up & down and walking

mmt, it sounds very much as if your mother needs 24/7 care. She should not be living alone with just occasional visits from the caregiver (you did mean 8 hours per *week*, yes?) and the help that you provide. Bare minimum, your brother is in serious denial -- it was essential that the doctor know your mother is unsteady and having trouble getting dressed, and he had no business encouraging your mother to have a negative reaction, let alone demand that a POA be signed immediately, while she was still angry. I'm seeing some major red flags here.

(a) I agree with the others, you should not be paying your mother's expenses. Stop that immediately, and arrange to have all bills sent to him.

(b) Tell your brother that your mother needs someone with her 24/7. Offer to help locate the appropriate agency for providing in-home services and check up on the care they give your mother, but tell him that as POA, he will have to sign the agreement with them and pay the bills.

(c) If your brother refuses, contact Adult Protective Services.

Your mother is in physical danger, of a serious fall or perhaps even worse. And perhaps I'm wrong, but it sounds as if your brother may have financial motives for wanting the POA.