figured now is the time to start reaching out for support as my father seems to be slipping away from us. So sad to see happen as I'm sure many of you have been there (or are there now). Both brothers live out of town, so it's me and my mother (and many caring friends). This week, our doctor suggested we take his car keys away and naturally, Dad isn't taking this too well. Any suggestions? This is so hard on my mother and I fear for her health too. Both parents are 83 yrs old and live independently.

Ronnie,

I am so sorry to hear that you are now going through this as well. We are glad, however, that you have this wonderful site where there are many caring people to give their advise and suggestions.

Taking car keys is probably one of the hardest things to do. There are many things that you can do to avoid the possibility of dad taking the car. You can disconnect the battery so it will not start (this will only work if he won't check under the hood, of course there are other things you can disconnect so it won't start), you can take the car away and say it needs to be fixed and not bring it back. For more ideas on posts on the driving topic, go to the FIND button and type in driving. You will be amazed by all the threads it will bring up.

Please continue coming here and keep us updated on what works for you on the driving.

Taking the car keys is one of the hardest things to do, If your mom drives, that might be a little harder because the car will be there and your dad will want to drive it. If your mom doesn't drive, then you can try the therapeutic fibs, the car is in the repair shop, the parts are taking a very long time to come in, someone in the family is borrowing the car until their car is repaired. Or the doctor won't allow him to drive because of the medications he's taking can cause him to be dizzy. You have to try and think of things to say why he can't do this any longer.

As time goes on, it will be more difficult for your mother to take care of your dad and now is a good time to start thinking ahead and have some plans into place for extra help for her. You will get a lot of support and suggestions here. I know more people will be responding to you.

Thank you for the reply. I'm so grateful to have found your forum. I feel so bad for my mother as she's an older woman who has had to endure a lot in her lifetime and deserves better. thanks for your support Megan.

quote:

Originally posted by Megan L:
Ronnie,

I am so sorry to hear that you are now going through this as well. We are glad, however, that you have this wonderful site where there are many caring people to give their advise and suggestions.

Taking car keys is probably one of the hardest things to do. There are many things that you can do to avoid the possibility of dad taking the car. You can disconnect the battery so it will not start (this will only work if he won't check under the hood, of course there are other things you can disconnect so it won't start), you can take the car away and say it needs to be fixed and not bring it back. For more ideas on posts on the driving topic, go to the FIND button and type in driving. You will be amazed by all the threads it will bring up.

Please continue coming here and keep us updated on what works for you on the driving.

Thank you for the reply KML. I appreciate the support. This is tough to go through, especially for my mother.

quote:

Originally posted by KML:
Taking the car keys is one of the hardest things to do, If your mom drives, that might be a little harder because the car will be there and your dad will want to drive it. If your mom doesn't drive, then you can try the therapeutic fibs, the car is in the repair shop, the parts are taking a very long time to come in, someone in the family is borrowing the car until their car is repaired. Or the doctor won't allow him to drive because of the medications he's taking can cause him to be dizzy. You have to try and think of things to say why he can't do this any longer.

As time goes on, it will be more difficult for your mother to take care of your dad and now is a good time to start thinking ahead and have some plans into place for extra help for her. You will get a lot of support and suggestions here. I know more people will be responding to you.

Welcome Ronnie..so sorry about your dad and I know only to well what your mom is going through. I have lived with my mom who is 80 trying to care for dad at home and the car was our biggest issue...he packed it everynite wanting to go home (he was at home) and so after he took a 5 hour trip and ended up 120 miles from home...we had to take the car and have a toggle switch put under the steering wheel so after we used the car we would flip the switch and if dad went out to start it (which he did) it would not start...you have to keep him safe and it is the hardest thing to do.

My dad is now in a SNF after mom trying to hang on for so long and then realizing she could not keep him safe...its very hard and your mom will need your strength.

What stage is your dad in? How is your mom's health...keep us posted...we are all here for you and you will get the best coping strategies here from the "real" experts...

God Bless,
kim

Don't bother trying to convince Dad that he shouldn't be driving. It won't work and it will just upset him further.

Use the tips above and instead of the truth, use "loving lies" and "therapeutic fibs" like:

The keys are lost, we will have to get new ones

The car is not working (and disable it if you need to)

etc.

Hi, Ronnie. Welcome to a great place. I wish I had found it much earlier than now. It would've helped me through some very tough times (like taking away the car from my mom.) Taking the car away from my mom was actually more difficult than eventually moving her.

Even if your mother drives, would it be possible for her to also "give up" the car for a couple of weeks and have you or family friends step in to do the driving your parents need? Then, at the end of a couple of weeks, your mom gets the car back and your dad maybe will have forgotten or at least let go a little about the driving. Frankly, if I took away the car from my husband and just started to do all the driving, he'd drive me crazy while I was trying to drive. What I'm suggesting, I suppose, is a different kind of transition period for your dad that might be easier for your mom.

There's all kinds of ideas here and only you could even guess at what might work. Please keep us posted on how it goes.

thanks for all of the imput. I'll try disabling the car for now. Hopefully, he'll lose interest. He mainly sleeps anyways. He still knows all of our names, but he's clearly not himself. Physically he's fine. My mom (who is also in excellent health) is the one I'm really worried about. I really appreciate everyone's imput and feel so blessed to have found this group. Many thanks.

Hi,

My dad is in early stage AD so I can relate to your feelings. He's still driving (just a little) as my mother has taken over in that dept. I'm worried that she's allowing my dad to drive when he shouldn't be (although she claims he does OK). I live out of state so don't have a firsthand view. I'm visiting next week so I'll see. Haven't seen them since August.

As far as emotions are concerned, look for a support group in your area. I just joined one myself. I am very fortunate to have a dear friend whose father also has AD. Also, the more I mention it, the more I find others whose parent has it too.

I'm glad to have found this message board. All support is a godsend with this disease!!

Ronnie,,so many of us here can absolutely relate to all that you and your Mom are going thru.

It was truly the hardest and saddest day when my hubby had to go out and disconnect the battery out of Mom's van,,and hide the battery.

But it was necessary,as Mom used to go out and start her van and want to drive away,,,even though she got lost all the time,,,and also,not to mention her driving skills were just the pits,,not safe for her or any others on the road.

Perhaps your husband can disable your Dad's car,,without his being aware of it. Then when he goes out to start it up,,and it won't start,,he'll call you . And if he asks your Mom to call roadservice repair,,,,tell her to dial her own phone number and pretend she's talking to someone about coming out to fix it,,,,and she can tell your Dad that they are really busy and can get to it when they can.

Now is the time for the "tender fibs" to start rolling off your tongue like a trooper.

Best of luck,,keep us posted. Peace