My mother has been suffering with Alzheimer's for about 7 years. Naturally, the last few years have been difficult. She's in a nice facility and seems to be well taken care of (as well as one could expect, i suppose.). My problem is with the inordinate amount of guilt I feel when I don't visit her regularly. I live about two hours away, work and have a 5-year-old. I'm one of five kids and have a brother who visits her daily, which makes me feel better. But I just don't get up there every week like I think I should. Part of it may be legitimate logistical problems, but a lot of it is the mere fact that It's absolutely devastating to see her this way. She makes sounds, but you can't figure out what she's saying, she can't walk, her head is slumped...I'm sure many of you are familiar with this scene. Sometimes I just cannot believe this is my mother!! She would be devastated if she could see herself right now. She was always larger than life, chatty, funny, positive, proud.... etc... She doesn't know when I (or anyone else) have visited. She couldn't tell me my name if I asked her, but I don't know if somewhere down deep I'm not gettiing through. Sometimes I wonder if she can sense that this person (me) is familiar to her, but she doesn't know why. It's all very odd. And it goes on and on and on. I'm not sure of much, but what I am sure of is my mother would want us (all her kids and grandkids) to be happy and not waste a minute worrying about her, or feeling depressed. (Sometimes I wonder if that's my way of justifying not seeing her on a regular basis.) About every three weeks is what I can emotionally handle. If it goes longer, I feel very anxious and a longing to see her. But if it's sooner than that, I just dread the whole thing.
Any suggestions? perspective?
Thanks to all, Elizabeth P

You best know what you can handle, Elizabeth. If a visit once every 3 weeks is your limit, then live with it. You have a full life. And you can't do everything. You can't be everything to everybody. So make the choices that make your life tolerable. And reasonably happy. There's no sense in being unhappy. --Jim

Hi Elizabeth, Welcome to the forum. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You know it would hurt your mother if she knew how you feel. You have to do what you can handle. As you said your mother would want you to be happy. It is so hard to watch your mother slip away. Be kind to yourself. I am sending you a BIG HUG. Take care, Jackye

With holding down a job and raising a 5 year old, you must already have a full schedule. Add the 2 hour drive in...and I think it's unrealistic to expect you to visit more frequently than you already do.

Welcome Elizabeth!

I have been struggling with the guilt issue for awhile now. I can feel guilt about most everything....

Something I hit upon lately, and you even said something similar in your post that follows the same logic of thinking.... That your Mom "would be devastated if she could see herself now".

When I am hit with a difficult decision to make regarding Mom and her care I am now asking myself.... What would Mom say to me?? And I really try to picture her talking to me.... Just like we used to talk.... all the time....

What would your Mom think or say to you if she could hear you expressing your feelings like you just did to us??

If she is like my Mom, or like the Mom I am now.... I would say to my daughter.... "Honey, take care of yourself first, take care of my grand baby! I know you love me, always will.... and if a time comes when I do not remember, when it is hard for you to see me.... DO NOT feel any guilt.... Do what you can.... I know you love me".

And, if I may add this, I would also thank my brother who visits Mom each day. I am so sad that my brother and I have lost communication since faced with Mom's illness. At a time when the family should pull together we are ripped apart. To tell him how his visiting and checking in on Mom makes you feel would be a good thing!

love and peace,
Serendipity

Dear Elizabeth: While I am sorry for the reason for your being here, I am so glad you have found us. You are not alone.

This has got to be extremely difficult for you, not to mention stressful. You are a very caring daughter; if you were not, you would not worry about this.

Guilt seems to partner with quite a bit of the dynamics surrounding this disease. It is not because we are not doing "the right thing"; it is our self-expectations. Logic may tell us that we are right on spot; but emotion tugs at our hearts and feelings of guilt. Logic and emotion do not live on the same plane of existence.

First; you live two hours away. Secondly, you have a small child. Third, your mother has excellent oversight from an adult child that lives nearby and she would have no recall or knowledge of your being there.

Yes, it is beyond difficult to witness the changes in our love ones. But Elizabeth, there is no right and wrong on how often we visit or how long we stay when we do. It appears what with the drive and your private life with a small child, you are doing just right.

And frankly, sometimes, when things are what they are, we need to step back just a bit for our own ability to maintain our equilibrium and not burn out. That too is perfectly alright.

One thing you may want to do if it would make you feel better, is to make a telephone call once a week to the charge nurse to see how your mother is doing between your visits. This way you are keeping yourself informed by touching bases and you will not feel so distanced.

If there is a support group in your area, it may be helpful to attend meetings. It can be extremely helpful.

In any way, let us know how you are doing. I will be thinking of you.

Johanna C.

To all of you who responded to my post: Thank you, thank you, thank you. And I mean that sincerely. I'm always amazed by people's kindness and compassion. For the first time, I realize how helpful it is to be supported by people who know exactly what I'm going through. We're all going through it together. And maybe that's God's intention. To bring people closer together. Many times, it's only through suffering that we're able to reach out to others for help. And I guess that's what life is all about.
I want all of you to know that I am here for you, and will do whatever I can to alleviate some of your suffering. I know we will all get through this, but it gives me great comfort to know I don't have to struggle alone.
Thank you all again!
God bless, Elizabeth

Hi Elizabeth,

I can relate to your feelings. I live 4-1/2 hours away from my mom and dad who are both in a NH. With travel costs being high for each trip (i.e., hotel bills, meals, gas, etc.) I visit whenever I can - I always try to attend care plan meetings for them.

The thing that I have trouble with is calling them on the phone. I just can't handle that - it's just not the same anymore. What I have started to do is send cards with notes in them. My mom has her cards hanging on a small bulletin board. To me, this is a better way of showing her that I'm thinking about her and my dad.

I do call the staff to check on my mom and dad and they are always very willing to answer any questions that I have.

You have a full plate with your job and a 5 year old. It's hard not to feel guilty, but we on this forum are all doing our best to deal with this awful disease.

Please keep us posted and welcome to our forum!

Elizabeth,

Welcome! I know exactly what you are talking about with the guilt. I go through the same thing all the time. I am closer physically to my mom than you are and I am the primary caregiver/advocate for her. But I know she wouldn't want me to sacrifice my life, my health, or my happiness for her. Your mom sounds a lot like mine. I know when I get that longing to see her that I am at my time limit. You sound like you have found a balance. Don't feel guilty because it doesn't meet up to any other expectations (yours or anyone else's).

You sound like a very loving daughter. This is not an easy road we're on, but we are on it together.

Blessings!

Elizabeth, you have received some great information here. The support here is great and such a help when we need it. I can't add anything to what others have said. it has been covered, so I'm just sending prayers and hugs to you!