Hi everyone. I am new to this board and am hopeful that I will be able to give and receive support here. My grandmother, who raised me (I'm 31 now), is a beautiful 81 year old woman in the early-middle stages of AD. She currently lives in the home she's had for more than 40 years. My aunt stays with her part time, but she is alone all day and most nights. She has had to give up driving, but is otherwise totally capable of caring for herself. Some members of my family believe it's time to move her to a retirement center where she can be more social and have a van at her service to go to the store and church. I can definitely see the benefits of this, but I feel like they may be looking for the easiest solution rather than the best one.

I am concerned about the idea of removing her from the home she's lived in for so long. My understanding is that maintaining that familiar environment for as long as possible is crucial. So is socialization, though! I live 3 hours away and am able to be with her every couple of weeks, but not every day like she really needs.

So now I'm trying to figure out which is the least of the painful choices: leave her at least partially isolated, or remove her from her beloved home. I would appreciate any advice, thoughts or shared experiences.

Nancy

Hello Nancy,

Sorry you're having to deal with this darn disease, but you'll find lots of help, support, & suggestions from this forum. I've learned a LOT!

My former MIL is Stage 6. For the last 2 years, she's had caregivers 2-3 hours in the ams & pms, 7 days a week. Things have worsened over the last month, so she now has caregivers 12 hrs daily. All this in her own home. They prepare meals, give her (pre-packaged)meds, take her for walks, put her on the exercycle, take her to the park, etc.

IMHO - keep her at home as long as possible, as long as the funds are there. At least, that's what we're trying to do for as long as we can.

You sound like me about 5 years ago. My Grandpa had passed away, and with out him to "cover" for her, we had really noticed a huge decline in Grandma's memory and ability to take care of herself. Most of my family was eager to help her stay in the mountain cabin where she and Grandpa had lived for 35 years, but we weren't sure it could work. Our big concern was that she could no longer keep her medications straight. As for Grandma, she swore she'd die if forced to leave her home, where she said she had promised Grandpa she would live until the day she dies.
Anyway, I ended up moving closer, so there was a family member closer than an hour and a half away and would drop by at different times to see how she was and to take her on outings; and my aunt started staying with her Friday night to Saturday afternoon. Family members would call at set times every day. We all made changes in our lives to varying degrees to work together to make it happen. But the big change was that we got caregivers to come once a day for two hours to dispense meds, get her a hot lunch, and basically keep track of how she was doing on a daily basis. A nurse would also come once a month. With all that in place, Grandma really stabilized, and was able to stay in her beloved cabin for about five more years. Of course she did continue to decline, and eventually we increased the caregivers to twice a day. But it wasn't until this January that my Mom had Grandma "visit" (move in long term) with her because we all thought she had come to the point that she needed someone there around the clock.
I am really glad we decided to help her stay in her home as long as possible. She still thinks she'll be going back soon, but I know she would have not done well if we had moved her 5 years ago. A move can be so disorienting and emotionally devastating that even if moved to the very best retirement home, it can be counter productive. Unlike my other grandparents, who decided for themselves it was time to move, this Grandma would have been utterly lost and miserable.
Of course, all situations are different, and only you and your family can help your Grandma in what is best for her. However, it IS possible to put assistance into place to help her stay in her beloved home much longer. Talk to your family about the options, and offer ways you can help make it work. It will take more effort from all of you, especially as the AD progresses, so your family has to be willing to make changes in their own lives, and perhaps that isn't possible for them. I hope it works out, though. It was definitely the right decision for my Grandma, and I feel at peace knowing we helped her stay at home for so long.

I think it's different for everyone. I just placed my mom in an ALF 3 weeks ago, and I am so pleased with how she's doing. I am an only child and was living 400 miles away, so there were limits to what I could do. She wanted to stay in her house so I tried to support that as long as possible, but after her dog died in February she was totally alone. She didn't have a lot of friends, and at that point she would go days or even a couple of weeks without seeing anyone. I would talk to her on the phone and could tell that something needed to change. I brought her to my house, and then 2 days later to the ALF. At first she was very angry, but now she has made friends, she's participating in activities, and just looks so much happier. And I'm happier too knowing that she's taking her meds properly, eating well, and socializing. So for my situation, I think it worked out well.

AMENMom

Welcome to the AA forum..

Only you and your family can make the decision..of what is best for your gram..

Whatever you decide..it will be the right decision for her..made with Love..and wanting her needs to be met..and keep her safe and never be alone..

I do believe.. there is no place Like home..and we chose to help.. my husbands mom stay independent for as Long as possible..and we have no regrets..

as she was truly..happy in her own..Little world sort of speak. and everyone knew her there.. the home my husband grew up in..and her neighbors were so good to her..and were her age..we Lived close and she had good friends she spent time with and she Loved to talk on the phone to them..and she had her fat cat to hold and Love. and fuss at and stew about....and we took her to the grocery store..when needed..

but the hands of time...our Loved one's confusion..became the issue..and my husband and his brother had to make..good choices..for her..in the autumn..of her Life.

Let your heart guide you..Love Rosie