We are growing closer to getting mom placed. I'm worried, because she is lucid enough, that she will ask why I'm doing this to her. I'm exhausted, work 40 hours a week, have no time for myself, take medication for acute anxieity and depression (I do nothing for myself)...I'm falling short in bathing her as often as I should and more because there are only so many hours in a day and with my exhuastion there just isn't time---or the energy...I'm worried that she will beel lonely, abandoned and confused by my placing her. I can't even imagine what the day would be like and I dread the thought. The facility is 10 minutes from my home so I can visit often. I feel so selfish because I want a life, my health, my sleep and my stress/anxiety level to go down and the only way to do that is to place her. I've been told if I don't take care of myself who will be there for her. HELP! Words of wisdom. In previous posting I wrote that my mother who I love dearly does not have behavioral problems. She tells me to be nice when I'm mad at her and she always says thank you when I make lunch or dinner or help her get dressed. Am I selfish; a bad daughter; is it too early to place her....any words of wisdom or advise welcomed asap. Bela

Bela, I am so sorry that you are having a issue with placing your mother.
My doctor told me that 25% of caregivers die before their loved one! Was a eye opener of a sort. Makes us know that we have to take care of the caregiver. You will still be her caregiver and able to love her with more to give with having some of your life back.
There is no way that I can tell you that this is time or the right thing to do as you are the only one to make that decision but what ever it is...do not second guess yourself. Take care of yourself and just hug your mother.
((hugs to you Bela))
Let us know if, how you handle this.
You know that you will have many reponses with this thread and some very good points made. Good luck.
Sheryl

Bela, I can only give you support for what you really know is the right decision. I am in a similar situation only in that my mom also is of a pleasant disposition. I almost wish I were working still so I would have as good an excuse as you do to place my mom! Also I do have my husband to help, and siblings when I really need a break, and for a month or so now I have a 4-hour-a-week caregiver who is like an angel just to be there. Of course you know objectively you must do it to take care of yourself so you can take better care of her, and maybe that will end up being the best way to approach it with her. Bless you both, this is like being between a rock and a hard place, and I send you big hugs.

I think you already know what you must do to protect your own health. Do you already have some help?

Being able to visit her frequently will make it easier on both of you.

Are there other relatives who will visit?

Hi Bela, I asked this same question almost a year ago and the response I got was "if you are asking about placement it is probably time".

I was having problems with my health, depression and not sleeping more than 2-3 hours a night.

I was the sole caregiver 24/7 for about 6 1/2 years. I don't know how you are doing it because I didn't work and I still couldn't keep up with the demands of caregiving. Even with using day care for the last six months she was home.

My suggestion would be to start looking at placements now so when you are ready to make the decision you will know what will fit your mother's needs best.

As far as people giving you a hard time for doing what is best for your Mom and you. Most of the judgemental people are not in your shoes and have no idea what it is like to be a caregiver. I had one friend who told me I shouldn't place my partner because his grandmother has AD and they would never place her. I reminded him, his grandmother had 13 living children who all shared in the caregiving and how much was he doing since he lived almost 3000 miles away. He never mentioned it again.

Doris has been in placement for 10 months and I visit daily. It has only been the last 4 months that I have begun to take my life back and I am feeling almost like my old self.

Good luck with your decision. Also where are you in northern ca. Pat

I know how hard this is. You need to tell her you are moving her so she can get the care she needs. She will not understand so don't try to reason with her. That just results in arguments.

My mother was upset when I moved her to the NH. This was compounded by the fact that I moved her half way across the country and she did not want to leave CA at the end of October just as winter was coming.

The first day she tried to argue with me that she could continue to live by herself. The hardest was when she said "I will be good if I can just go home" and "what did I do that was so bad?" I assured her it was not something she had done and she was not bad.

I did stay away for about a week and the complaints became less frequent. Fortunately she could not use a phone or she probably would have called me a lot. She did have the nurses call me a few times. I had the nurses tell her she was just staying there while her son was on vacation. That seemed to help.

She did not like the fact that so many of her clothes were there and she never let me hang any pictures on the walls since she was not staying long.

She has been there a year and she still thinks we are leaving sometimes but it does not happen often. She really thinks she is staying in a hotel most of the time.

Bela,
I am sure that others will agree that this can be one of the most difficult decisions to make, and not because we don't realize it is the better thing to do, but because we hate the idea of our LOs being so unhappy with the decision.

When we placed our mom in an ALF, she really had no choice. She had had a fire in her home (another story) and she could not stay with either my brother or myself because we didnt have the right physical accomodations for it (too small and stairs etc..) Mom was 88 years old, was probably in stage 4-5, and could no longer safely live alone in her own home.My brother and I also each live alone and work full time. When we placed her, it took some time for her to adjust, but eventually she became one of the residents. However, be prepared, they always "want to go home". Like someone else posted here, my mom also thought her stay was "temporary". Lets face it, none of us wants to lose our independence, but when it happens it is nice when others who have your best interest at heart can choose a safe and reliable alternative for you. That is what you are doing for your mom. It will be hard, but it is best for both of you. Just keep that in mind, because she won't be able to. Good luck, and keep us posted on how it works out.

Mari

Bela, there also could be something else here that you are not thinking about. Your mother might LOVE the placement. She can make friends, partake in activities, etc... You might be giving her more quality to her life then she's having now. Especially the fact that she's not having behavioral problems makes this the perfect time to place her. Just a thought.

From your posts, it is definitely time to place her. Don't let people who are not in shoes place judgment on you. Let them try to live one week in your shoes and see how they feel then! You are ready my friend, you are ready.

One more thing, people tell me all the time that I should have my mother come live with me. Let me explain how laughable that is. Besides the fact that I work full time and am going to school for my doctorate, I live in a one room studio with a dog. ONE ROOM STUDIO! People tell us all the time that "they would do this or they would never do that". Yeah right! Be a caretaker, see how you REALLY feel.

I think part of the wanting to "go home" is also wanting to turn back the clock to the days of good health. The reality is just being home wouldn't change a thing. Some friends have passed on, the things she used to be able to do, she can't do anymore.

It's not just the physical home they miss -- it's the whole past life that is over -- no matter where they live.

Bela, I'm sorry you're having to wrestle with this decision, it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with.

I was in your situation a few months ago. I was getting a few hours' sleep at night, was irritable, the whole ball of wax.

After mom was placed, our relationship has become much better because I am no longer upset and worried all the time. I see her 4 times a week, every Saturday we go out for coffee and doughnuts, Fridays I bring the dogs to the NH, etc. The quality of our time is so much better. I am no longer the person who is telling her what to do. She does cry at times (we are going through a little rough patch right now), but I just tell her that I want her to be safe and that the NH was the safest place I know.

If you haven't looked at facilities, you may want to start looking around and checking the inspection reports on the facilities you like.

It's such a hard thing to do, but we do it so our LO's will be safe and cared for by 3 shifts of fresh, well-rested people. I feel she is getting much better care than she was toward the end when I was caring for her at home.

I also wanted to add that my mom is the same as yours, really no behaviors that are troublesome. She's a very placid person. Because of that, the staff just adore her and I am always getting comments from them about how much they enjoy her.

Bela,

Would your mother, if she had her mental faculties, want you to sacrifice your health and sanity for her sake? I think not. She sounds like a sweet woman who loves her daughter and wants the best for her.

It is an unfortunate but necessary reality that you must do this for her sake and for yours. The longer you procrastinate, the harder it is on both of you. Stop puttng yourself through the additional anxiety and stress of worrying about this decision that you already know is the right decision. Take a deep breath, let it out slow, and just sign on he dotted line.

I do not understand why people think that using a facility to arrange for proper care of their loved one is being a bad daughter. Taking the time and care to research and find the best possible placement is an act of love. Ensuring your mother's health and safety with 24/7 care is an act of love. Allowing others to care for her physical needs so that you can rest and then visit refreshed and ready to lavish attention on her is an act of love.

You are not being selfish. You are being sensible. You've been posting for weeks now with different variations on the same theme. It is time for placement and you feel guilty for doing it and need reassurance. You have stopped yourself short of the actual placement and are stuck at this point of worry and guilt. Jump the hurdle. Just do it. Get it over with and move on to the next stage of your caregiving - that of your mother's advocate and companion.

quote:

Originally posted by Gidget P:
Bela,

I do not understand why people think that using a facility to arrange for proper care of their loved one is being a bad daughter. Taking the time and care to research and find the best possible placement is an act of love. Ensuring your mother's health and safety with 24/7 care is an act of love. Allowing others to care for her physical needs so that you can rest and then visit refreshed and ready to lavish attention on her is an act of love.

Gidget, this statement is so true. We should put this on the very top of the boards so everyone can read this first thing every day!

Bela
I'm an only (living) child taking care of my mother at home. She is also sweet, lovely, thankful (a few years ago there were four hellish months of hallucinations but medication helped).

I COULD NOT DO IT IF I WORKED 40 HOURS/WEEK.

I work two days a week (maintaining some identity and skills), have aides who get her up and put her to bed on those days.

In addition, I have 20 hours of aides/week for me-time... to go to a dance class or walk, to paint, to have dinner with friends, to run errands.

When I first started caring for my aunt (10 years ago), a social worker in the neurology unit made me talk about myself and my own needs for half of each appointment. Wasn't allowed to mention dementia... It was great training.

I know not everyone can afford to work part-time. Our mortgage is paid, I drive a 20 year old car, etc. We live simply. We've had Veterans A&A, and now Mass Home Medicaid and Hospice to pay for the aides.

I've always known that if my health, emotional or physical, suffered that I would place her in a NH. She would be mad at me forever if I didn't take care of myself...

ps even with time to take care of myself, this is still very hard...and sad and challenging.
I also wouldn't have her at home if I were in my 30's or 40's...or if I had children at home. Caregiving has to work for the well-being of all involved...

Bela,

This is one of the most difficult things we can do in our lives. We placed our Mom in September to ALF, from her own home where she lived alone for 20 yrs. Mom is very, very independent and will fib to get her way. I'm the only close relative, as brother lives 3000 miles away. We chose not to discuss it with her as there was NO CONVINCING. Brother came in and he kept her busy, as hubbie and I moved her belongings to her new apt. We brought her to the new home and when she saw her furniture, pictures and clothing in the room, she knew something was going on. She wasn't in her mind ready to move, but what we did was push her a bit. Today after 2 mos mom is doing VERY WELL. She has made friends, loves her new small apt and realizes she couldn't continue in her old 3500 sq ft home (even if she will NEVER tell me).

We as caregivers made her decision for her by moving. After cleaning her old home and reading many notes about her feelings of whether she could make her mortgage payment, and seeing all the stacks of papers all over the floors, IT WAS TIME FOR HER TO MOVE!!! Her unkept home and personal notes, were Mom's way of telling us she couldn't continue on living alone.

Do you think our LOs will ever come to us and ask us to move them, as they can't continue on their own??? NO.....so we must do what's best for them. In the end they adjust, as well as the caregivers.

In reference to your health, would your LO want you to "challenge" your health to care for them? I know my mom would NEVER want that from me, but couldn't comprehend a conversation to tell me her thoughts.

Remember, this disease causes their minds to be "broken" so we must be the big people and do what's best for them. They truly can't comprehend how to live their lives in a safe and happy environment.....WE MUST DO IT FOR THEM!!!

Do what is best for your mom and your health as well. Mom might be upset for a bit after the move, but know it's time. Hoping your move goes as well as ours.

Best to you and plse come back and give us updates on your progress....