My aunt is "breezing in" for one of her visits.

Long story short, my Mom has dementia. My mom was never a fan of my aunt (her sister-in-law) and it makes me sick that this woman will probably want to see Mom, who is in the severe stages of dementia. I don't think my Mom would have ever wanted that - I think she would have wanted us to protect her dignity and self-respect.

And to be clear, I don't think my aunt necessarily wants to see my Mom.... she would visit only in order to appear caring. Trust me, she is anything but.

However, I have no control over this situation. I'm not Mom's primary caregiver and I guess I can't "forbid" this woman to see my Mom.

I've shared my feelings with my father, but I'm sure he would feel awkward about asking someone to NOT visit my Mom.

What would you do in this situation?

I admit, I feel very protective of my mother. I don't have children but maybe now I halfway understand the instinct to bear fangs when a malicious person comes anywhere near the one you love.

Thus far, I have planned to stay away. But there is another part of me that thinks I should drive the 2 hours there and finally tell this aunt of mine where to stick it if she comes into the NH where Mom lives.

Thoughts?

I'm sure you know what I think, Ann. You don't even have to ask. I'd be nice to the aunt. And to everyone I disliked. I'd at least find a little itty-bitty thing to like. And focus on that. And then I'd find some reason to laugh. To relax. To enjoy it all. --Jim

It is obvious you do not care for your aunt or her way caring (or not caring as the case may be) for your Mom. But nowhere in your post do you say that when she visits she says or does things that are harmful to or upset your Mom.

I am assuming that if she is your aunt she is also your Mom's sister. Even if she has not responded to your Mom's situation a way that you would have liked, they ARE sisters. And they do not have much time left to be together in this world.

Is this really about preserving your mother's dignitiy, or is it more about expressing your own feelings towards your aunt?

Denying your mother a visit from her sister does not seem to me to hold any positive for your Mom, unless she has a history of being disruptive or abusive in past visits.

My mother's cousin was insisting on visiting my mother. They are more like siblings as he is an only child and my mother's only brother is 10 years her junior, the cousin and my mother are the same age. They grew up together. Long story short, my mother really never cared for him as an adult. He was absolutely devastated by my mother's diagnosis and was insistent on seeing her. So I took him. I was on pins and needles the whole time, what if he was a big old PIA to her? What if he made her agitated? Long story short, the visit was wonderful - for both of them. He really stepped up to the plate and was fantastic with her.

Bite the bullet and let the sister in law visit your mother. I would make sure to be there as a buffer, just in case. My mother gets so few visitors now, I could never try to stop one from going to see her. Now if the sister in law agitates your mother in any way, shape or form - I would then tell her immediately that she should not visit again.

Dear Fortune Cookie:
These sorts of dynamics with problematic histories can be difficult to handle and process. It is very wise of you to be thoughtful and to even ask for input regarding this impending visit. You are a terrific advocate for your mother and a compassionate person.

What the above responders have written is food for thought. Aunt is still your mother's sister. That bond can transcend a dysfunctional history.

On this issue, if it were me, I'd take the high road and permit the visit.

Your mother will not know who she is. Hopefully, Aunt will be loving and compassionate towards her sister.

I would permit the visit; and although it isn't necessary, I think I'd want to be there the first day of the first visit to take the temperature of the water so to speak. If all is well, then no further worries.

If Aunt is not sensitive to your mother's need to rest, you can explain visits must be kept short and give her a time span of an hour or whatever is best for your mother.

Once the visits have been completed, Aunt will probably not return from far away for further visits. She may be trying to say goodby in her own way as she realizes her sister's condition is not good.

Take the high road on this one, I don't think you will be sorry.

In the meantime, I send you a soft hug. Let us know how this goes, we will be thinking of you and hoping the visit surprises you and is a good one. This can be healing for all.

Johanna C.

As our lives change and we age we do look at life differently. I have many family members who shouldn't get "the time of day" from me. But....I have to give them the opportunity to show they've changed.

My thoughts, give the family member the opportunity to see Mom (with you in attendance to guide and be their advocate). After meeting, you then can decide if they're worthy of another visit later. If it's so upsetting to Mom as she gets agitated, you know NEXT TIME TO BE STRONG AND SAY 'NO' TO THOSE UNWELCOMED FAMILY MEMBERS.

Be open minded and try it and then adjust to another visit or not.

Best to you and know you're doing what's best for your LO!!!

As you said, you cannot fobid the visit. I think my first inclination would be to join them. That way, if your Mom's sister-in-law starts in a direction you are not comfortable with, you can possibly have a chance to say, "Come out here and let me show you blah blah" and then speak to her alone. But if the visit goes smoothly, there will be no harm done. It might do your aunt good to see what is really going on. One never really knows what to expect, so expect a good visit and be prepared to act if needed. Wishing you all luck!

If you feel strongly that your Mom would not want to see her sister-in-law, if it were me, I'd call the sister-in-law and tell her to stay away. You can't forbid her, but perhaps a strongly worded conversation will do the trick.
I remember that Nancy Reagan decided who could and couldn't see her husband after his AD progressed and I thought it was nice that she protected him.

How often does she come? Whatever her motivation, it can be good for your mother to have visitors.
Is there a chance the aunt has a good memory of your mother at 20 that she can talk to her about--a beautiful dress she had, a dance they all went to? A song she can sing to her?

Ask your aunt if she does and then suggest she talk to your mother about it--simply and with love. (Write the aunt if you'd have trouble saying this to her face...)

See if you can train her to be a positive visitor... It's amazing when ANYONE continues visiting our LO's in NH so I'd be loathe to discourage it (unless the nurses report that the visit was upsetting...). That said, I did have to control one grandson's visits to my aunt so I know some folks can be detrimental...

Hi, Fortune Cookie! Yes, I am still here and my mom is still hanging in there. It sounds to me as if you are afraid the sister-in-law is visiting out of mean-spirited curiousity. That might be true, but I don't really know what you can do about that. At least your mom is very unlikely to realize what is going on and may momentarily be glad to have a visitor even tho she has no idea who she is. Your "aunt" is unlikely to want to visit again. Sigh.

Thought I was clear that this is not my mother's sister. This woman is her sister-in-law... my father's sister.

Gidget - I am intelligent enough to realize that my feelings may misguide me - hence I asked for input. I didn't ask to be psychoanalyzed.

Marj, Jim, Johanna, Meemaw, jellybeans, jazzy, and BW - Thank you for your replies and respecting my feelings. I appreciate what you have to add, even if you have a differing idea. Over the years, many people here have helped me see other sides to various situations.

In also thinking what my Mom would do (if the roles were reversed), I think she would let the situation be. My Mom never stooped down to the level of those with ill intentions.

I just see my Mom as helpless now. Unable to advocate for herself. And it's like my aunt wants "see how bad it is." Like people who want to gawk at a car accident. Morbid curiosity. The Ronald Reagan example you cited is how I feel.

It's difficult in these messages to parlay 40+ years of poor behavior and insensitivity on my aunt's part. I appreciate you respecting me and honoring that I know how my Mom would most likely feel. She's incontinent of urine and stool now, her teeth are now in terrible shape... gosh, most people wouldn't want to be seen like that.

My aunt (fortunately) doesn't come in often. She comes in to see my grandmother. But it hurts to think she stops by to see Mom so she can appear (she's 100% into appearances) to be a caring person to others by saying, "I went by the see (my Mom)." And then her blabbing the details of my Mom's condition to others.

When nosy people ask me how my Mom is, they get "She's fine." In my opinion, it's none of their business and I try to respect my Mom.

I appreciate the input. And, yes, you could be right in that the visit may go well. I hope so.

Guess the bigger picture is that my Mom was always a good person. She didn't talk about others, slow to anger, reserved, poised, never impulsive. She never responded to slights. That's why so many people respected my Mom, and why I love her. My temperment, obviously, is much different and I often wish I was more like my Mom. Long story short - I'm thinking that no matter what my aunt does, she can't ever take any of the good away from my Mom. She doesn't have that power. And no matter what my aunt does, she will have to live with the burden of the things she's done over the years.

At any rate, those are my thoughts today. Taking the higher road, letting go of something I can't control, and reminding myself that my aunt is inconsequential. My father and I love my Mom and that's what's important.

Thank you all again for giving me the benefit of your wisdom.

Patsy! Think of you and your Mom often, ladybug. "Mean-spirited curiosity"... couldn't have said it better. Give your Mom a hug for me... good to see you on here.

There is a person I have heard say that sometimes to act "cheerful and stupid" is the best course of action. She doesn't mean BE stupid, and you certainly are a loving caring daughter.
I suggest attending the meeting, act "cheerful and stupid", and watchful. Since your mom is very late stage, she may not recognize the sister-in-law, as the s-i-l will be older and not look like the age where your mom's memory would likely recognize her... as she was when your parents married. And as Patsy said, you mom might not recongize what is going on. If you are there and are sweet and loving, those may be the only feelings you dear Mom takes in.

Take a deep breath, and remember that YOU can fill your mom's room with YOUR love. And the strong daughter you are can tactfully end the visit if s-i-l's tone becomes unfriendly.

Namaste.

Fortune Cookie,
I apologize if I offended you. In thinking about my reply for several minutes and then typing it out, I forgot that you had mentioned she was a sister-in-law, not a sister.

I was not trying to psychoanalyze you, disrespect you or doubt your intelligence. I was just raising the possibility that your own feelings about the aunt might be a reason for your objection to her visit. Some people who are very close to a situation have trouble recognizing that their own feelings may be clouding the picture somewhat. I have no way of knowing whether you considered that possibilty or not. So I suggesed it as food for thought. Nothing more. You asked for input and I was offering my thoughts based what I perceived from the initial post.

Now that you've posted additional information about the situation I can see that it is more complicated than I gathered from your original post.

I still feel that if your aunt is not upsetting your Mom by visiting there is no reason to object. Even her telling others about your Mom's decline is not harming anyone really. As you said, what she says won't change the good person your Mom is and your Mom never responded to slights in any case.

Oh the blabbing asinine relative! I think most of us have one of those.

It is your decision to make. My only advice is that if you do decide to let your aunt visit your mother, that you make sure to be there - THE WHOLE TIME! There's nothing wrong with telling your aunt that you would appreciate it if she didn't blab the details of your mother's health to the world, or to anyone.

It sounds like your mother is very lucky to have you.

Go with your gut.

Some folks want to visit out of love but others out of a strange sense of curiousity and the urge to have something to gossip about.

You are there to protect your mom. If it feels wrong to have the sis in law visit, let the NH know that you do not want the SIL to come see your mom.

Peace to you.

I know you said that whether or not to let your aunt visit your mom is not your decision, but what if you offered to call your aunt for your dad and tell her that it is not a good time to visit mom right now? That way your dad would not have to do it (you said you thought he would feel awkward doing that). While you are probably right that you cant "forbid" her from visiting, but you can ask her not to. If she questions you, just keep saying "its just not a good time for mom". She knows why, to keep questioning you would be uncalled for. Then, I would try to be there in case she does visit and just give her those "knowing" glances, you know that "what the hell are you doing here?" glance. You can tell her that you hoped she enjoyed her "visit", but let her know that she really didn't "visit" with your mom -- all she did was see her, which is what you were trying to save your mom from. I would just let her know you know her intentions. You can say it nicely, (if you want to).

Sorry, but I think people should respect family members when it comes to this disease. Our loved ones are human beings, not animals in a zoo.

Sorry for my rant, but I am a product of the "if you're not part of the solution, you are part of the problem" generation. If her intentions aren't genuine, then stay away.

Mari

Fortune Cookie, my mother's heroine was Jackie O and mom even breathlessly talked like her sometimes. My mother has Dignity, trust me.

I can figure who is going to visit. I want my mom to have as many visitors as possible because, as many have said, visitors are few and far between at NHs. That said, trust the staff. If a visitor agitates your mom, they'll tell you. If you don't think the staff will, ask them to. Your mother's serenity is important to them for practical reasons. They don't want anyone visiting who will upset her. If you don't trust this person then tell her you'd like to be notified before she visits.

Do you have Health Proxy? I love my brother, he's just so neat, but I had to call him the other day and tell him that unless he could deal with mom without agitating her then he couldn't see her alone. Tough conversation between us, believe me. We're very close.

Is she likely to tell you before she goes? Then I would inform her that your mom is not really up to visitors. If not, can the NH be instructed that there are to be no visitors without prior approval? Is there a list with her name on it posted? Maybe her name could be removed.

If she is 2 hours away from your mom, isn't it likely she will not come unannounced?

I talked to my father and he said my aunt did not go see Mom today. She asked about seeing Mom and he told her it would be "best to remember (Mom) the way she was." Go Dad! I feel relieved.

So I am happy that she stayed away. And grateful my father listened to my objections (I shared my same concerns w/him) and that he handled the matter in the way he did.

I have so often been the "lone ranger" in my feelings so it was comforting that Dad was on the same page. He makes the decisions regarding Mom's care.

Gidget, your apology is appreciated and accepted.

Thank you all for your input. I will go to bed tonight resting easier that my Mom's dignity was preserved.

I'm so glad things worked out. Having her visit would have been "adding insult to injury" and there are so many ways our LO's dignity has been compromised already, to say nothing of our own feelings,.....glad your Dad spoke up.

Yeah we all have "one of those" relatives Cookie. Some have more than one! I am very glad to hear of what your Dad did. Go DAD!

I have one cousin, who for the sake of brevity, is an idiot. She stirs Mom up but Mom is and has always gotten to a point that if she hears enough BS she will let a poignant zinger come your way. I have heard her! She though rarely does only when things become unbearable and me thinks that this cousin may have received one by now.

When the time comes when Mom is in no position to protect herself from gawkers I will instruct the home to protect her as I am not in the same city as her. I have hired some homecare visitors to come and see her and they are kind and very good. They like Mom and one use to work with her so I know they will mention anything that seems out of order. They are also discreet.

I wish people were more kind, considerate, caring. It may be your aunt's way of dealing with her own fears of getting such a disease. It's no excuse though for such unbecoming behavior.

Oh, I'm in a similar situation and debating about what to do!

When dad was diagnosed with cancer and was told that he only has a few months to live. I called some relatives so that they may visit and perhaps see dad for the last time. His own brother, (they're not close, but have tried to make up in the last few years) who lives in the area said he could not visit because he has to take care of his "uncontrollable grandson" (despite having 5 adults living in the same household). So, I said, "Visit if you can, if not, never mind.".

Then, 2 months later, he calls to ask how dad is. By this time, my MOTHER's side of relatives are here to visit dad. Mother's relatives are from out of town and way across the country. (Dad's brother knows them too.) So, I thought, "Great! He can visit them too." Boy, was I surprised when again he says he can't visit because of his "uncontrollable grandson"! I was mad as hell! Is he calling to find out if dad's dead yet??! If MOTHER's relatives can cross the country to see dad, dad's own brother cannot take the damn subway to see him?? The next time he calls,I don't even want to answer the phone!

My brother would not see Mom when she was in her last days with hospice. He was not there when she died. Neither was my sister, but that's another story...

I just don't think that some people can tolerate the idea of seeing someone they love at the point of dying. Some folks just can't take it and would rather live with their memories of that loved one. It sounds harsh, but I can accept that. My brother really did have a hard time with Mom's death and I had to try and respect that.