I'm knew to this forum but need a place to at least vent.

My 87 year old mother-in-law moved in with us 2 months ago. She had lived in New Mexico alone in her house on 9 acres. Her sister lived across the street and would come over several times a day to make sure she got her meds and was otherwise okay. Her sister developed heart problems, needs surgery, and so she came to live with us.

She's physically pretty good, just uses a cane for walking. But mentally she's in stage 5 or 6 Alzheimer's I'd say. She doesn't appreciate what we are doing for her. She's paranoid that we're stealing her stuff. She wants my husband to be doing things for her constantly. That's the only time she seems at all happy. If she doesn't like what I've cooked for dinner she'll say it's awful and have a sour look on her face all through dinner. Half the time I can't eat all my meal and end up with a stomache ache. I know it's hard for her having to move. But there was no alternative. She refused offers from us to move here sooner.

A problem for me is that I don't really like her, especially now. But I've always felt our family was a distant second in importance to her other son and his family. Her other son lived on the same property as she did and paid her no rent. As she got more difficult to deal with they had a major blow-up with him telling her he hated her. So he's not helping with her at all. Hasn't called once since she's been here. My mother-in-law set up bank accounts and life insurance policies for all her other son's kids (3), but none for our kids (2). My son's room is above hers and she gets angry when we ask her to turn off her tv or wear headphones so our son can go to sleep. She seems not to like him.

So how do I deal with these negative feelings that have been there since before Alzheimer's? And any thoughts on how to deal with her paranoia and her getting angry if she doesn't get what she wants?

Thanks,

Rose of Oregon

Welcome aboard. If you need to vent, you've come to the right place.

The point you make is really important. So much of the talk about Alzheimer's has do to with how much we love our loved ones, how much we sacrifice for them, etc. That's all well and good - and true in so many case - but not true in others. Alzheimer's doesn't magically turn bad relationships into good ones, or wipe out family complexities. If there were problems before, Alzheimer's is only going to make them worse.

My relationship with my father (87, late stage 6) was good but also very complicated, and there were lots of difficulties. All of those are still in play, and they make life as a caregiver harder.

What I've found worthwhile is first of all to admit that my feelings about him are mixed, and sometimes really negative, and all of that is going to come out - either under the streee of caregiving, or just because it's there. Letting yourself feel the way you do might be a good first step.

As to dealing with her paranoia - it sounds like it's hard to distinguish between what's her and what's the disease. There may be no sharp line between the two. But to the extent possble, it might help to keep in mind that many of her responses now are the result of brain injury, not personality. She's not entirely planning or formulating responses because she's losing the ability to do those things.

On a practical basis, there might be things you can do to make caregiving easier - maybe think about bringing in a professional caregiver, even on a part-time basis. Not everything needs to be dealt with by family members - some are better left to the pro's.

I'm sure others will have good suggestions. In the meantime, keep us posted how you're doing.

Best,
Alan

I second the idea of a part-time caregiver -- so it's not all on you and your husband and son.

You might experiment with really piling on the positive attention -- not necessarily from you, but from people who can give it to her happily. If the only time she seems happy is when your husband is paying a lot of attention to her, maybe this is something she really needs -- from him and from caregivers who don't have your history of negative experiences with her (and therefore can be extra patient and kind to her without mixed feelings).

At the same time, your own feelings are natural and need to be dealt with. It's too late to deal with them directly with her; she's too vulnerable now and is probably working on her own issues. Why not look for a counselor or therapist who can help you deal with your natural resentments and anger so they stop burdening you? The situation is stressful enough, moment to moment, without the extra sting and bite of built-up resentment.

You can look on this period of her life as her last chance to deal with some personal issues before she dies. My own LO often remarks, lately, that she's now getting the love she never got as a kid. We've been together for 42 years, but like most couples we used to argue, struggle, etc. My own attitude and actions have changed a lot since she's gotten so confused and clearly needs so much more attention. She gets it -- not always from me, but I make sure she always has someone with her whose only job is to tend to her. At first I resented it a bit and wondered if I was coddling her too much. But the fact is, it's working, it really helps, and she's getting happier. That's the goal!

Oh Rose,,I'm so sorry,,,vent away,,you certainly have come to the right place.!!

From what you've posted,,I would also feel a bit annoyed/angry,,and irritated.

Since your MIL has set up all these accounts for her other grandchildren,,I would assume that she also has a will or trust established??

You may need to speak to her sister to find out about that.

Your husband needs to find out who has the Power of Attorney of his Mother,,in the event of her becoming ill,,who did she designate to make decisions for her medically and financially?

If its the son that she had the blow up with,,well he needs to either recind his right of POA,,and then your hubby can apply for it,,and also guardianship too. You may have to find out who the attorney was that drew up her trust,,and call and explain the situation to him/her as things now stand with your MIL's illness....


Also,,I dont' see mention of any official diagnosis of Alzheimers but a good nuerologist for your MIL,,,,has she ever been truly tested and diagnosed yet?

Worst case scenerio here ,,,,her son she had the fight with is POA,,and yet wont step up to the plate and do anything or want any part of it,,,so your husband can either file for guardianship,,or request that the court give her a court appointed guardian & conservator over his Mother.

IF she is really making your life absolute misery,,,tell your husband that its not going to work and other living arrangements will have to be made for his Mom,,,and stick to your guns. If she owns a home,,sell it and use the money to pay for her care in a nice ALF.

But have your husband and you go to a good estate/eldercare lawyer for a consultation and find out what can and can't be done.

It may end up that your husband can take his Mom back to her own home,,and hire someone to come in daily to help with housework,laundry and meal preparations,,and also meals on wheels for her lunch.

Don't stress over this,,,your husband is going to have to remember that although its is Mom,,you are his wife,,and his wife and family must come first. Don't feel and dont' let your husband box you into a corner cause he feels its his duty,,,let him stay home to take care of his Mom if he feels that strongly.

Caregiving is the toughest job there is,,,and when someone has to do it for someone that they don't even like,,well its trifold awful.

Try to keep your patience with your MIL,,she is obviously ill,,and cook what you like,,dont' worry about what she likes,,when she gets hungry enough she'll eat.

Don't ask her to wear ear phones,,simply tell her no tv after a certain time,,let her know she is keeping others awake,,and its not all about her in "your house".

Give your husband 30 days to remove his Mom,,or him and your Mom can move out to a hotel,,but he will still legally and morally be obligated to pay all of your and your children's living as if he were still in the house. Be strong,,,your'e in for a rough ride.

Please keep us posted on things. Peace

Usually a person suffering from Alzheimer's will get angry and bad tempered when he is tired, confused, in pain or is unable to express himself. It is the person's way of letting you know that something is the matter and it needs to be corrected or addressed. Probably you have to first understand that the burst of temper is not directed at your personality, it seems more from frustration. And the first thing to do here is to remain calm and collected. If you react, then the person may get more agitated, instead try to give him some space, so that he can get angry, and do not try to confront him or talk to him about his behavior, he will not understand what are you talking about and may cause further problems...

I know how your feeling ,my brother and are taking care of my mom, and we tried different things with no results.I found that with this disease she forgets alot of things,but did not forget how to manipulate people.She also is in around stage 5-6,my brother had a talk with her and laid it on the line after she was driving us crazy about different things...he told her that she had 3 choices..him,his sister which is me or a nursing home ,needless to say after reinforcing or view of things, she has made a total turn around.We told that we understood she felt like a burden and that this is not what any parent wants to do to there children,but that we are family and if it was us she would take care of us.We had to keep repeating or selves that it will be the ursing home if she kept making it hard for us to help her.We told her we wanted to help,but she was making it harder for everyone.After a month or so she started to understand and remembered that we are not her enemy,and any time she started up, we kept reinforcing the same thing(stop the behavior in it's tracts)Four months later she is thankful and happy that she has two kids who love her no matter what her lifes past was...because believe me, mom and I fought in my childhood ,and adulthood,regardless I love her.It is hard for us to treat mom like one of our kids,but that is what life brought us and we do what works for us I'm not saying to handle it the way we did because everyone is different,all I'm saying is to find something ,try it and if it works for a while keep to it and it will sink in.repeat,repeat,repeat!Always with tender loving care.Believe me I know how you feel I took care of both my FIL and MIL this year in my home,both died here with hospice,it was not easy,but worth it!By the grace of GOD there go I ,those are the words that got me threw!

I am glad for the people that seem to actually have gotten thru to their loved ones when they tell then something, and even happier that it seems to have stuck in their mind.

Our experience was different.As my father got further into the disease (mid-late stage 6) he lost all empathy for anyone, and everything was about HIM!

If we would have asked him to wear headphones, turn off the TV (luckily the TV he had no interest in) he would not have understood or cooperated. He was like a dog with a bone when he wanted something. There was no deterring or redirecting him.

Why do I say this? because it is only going to get worse with your MIL.If you dislike her now ( and I certainly understand why you would) you are going to DESPISE her as this progresses. It absolutely becomes ALL ABOUT HER!!! and there will be ABSOLUTELY NO APPRECIATION for what you and your husband are doing.

I agree with Raven, find a place for her now!! Sell her farm (after talking with an elder law attorney) and get her in a home. It is such a huge burden to carry even when you dearly love someone. It is too much to ask of you and your children. Your marriage, and his children should be your husband's priority.

As for the counseling, people that have never been often cannot see the benefit. It can be remarkably beneficial. It helps you to find a way to live with the feelings you have, and manage them in a good way.If you have to keep MIL for any length of time I cannot recommend it highly enough.

Good luck to you and your family. This is such a rough road to go down, not everyone that travels down it come through with their family intact. Please do what you must to preserve your family, Sandy

Dear Rose: I am very pleased to make your acquaintance and am so glad that you found this wonderful Caregiver's Forum. As you can see, you will get many responses from the lovely people here in the Online Community.

Alan A. and others have given you some absolutely wonderful input. So many have walked a path similar to yours.

I am an RN whose mother had FrontoTemporal Demeentia and who has a step-father with Alzheimer's Disease.

Getting the legal papers taken care of are of prime importance. Durable Powers of Attorney for Healthcare as well as Finance are necessary if they have not yet been done. If one can gain her confidence to have someone on all of her financial accounts for her, all the better.

Another VERY important thing to do right away is to get the healthcare team in line. The optimum will be to have a good Neurologist who routinely sees dementia patients as part of his/her practice to be the one to manage the dementia care.

Neuro is the gold standard for this. First, you want to ensure that the diagnosis is correct. There are many different kinds of dementia, not all dementias are Alzheimer's. Management may be a bit different between the various kinds. Also, Neuro is excellent at medicating without over-medicating.

A good primary doctor, (especially if board certified in Geriatrics), will handle all her other healthcare needs.

You will be SO glad you got Neuro involved. When all other interventions fail, there are medications to assist with the challenges which will also add to her quality of life.

Bring all present meds to each doctor each time you go in. She may require some adjustment from what she has because some meds can cause difficulty with behaviors.

There is also a condition that our loved ones can get quite often; and that is, the "silent" urinary tract infection. It is called silent because there may be few or no symptoms. No complaint of pain, burning, odor, frequency, etc.; but it's still there.

The silent UTI is usually evidenced by worsening behaviors, a worsening of cognition and/or function. Once treated, the patient returns to usual baseline functioning.

By the way, one technique I used when taking my mother to the doctor, was to type a succinct memo outlining all changes in her behavior, cognition and function and faxing it over to the MDs office three working days prior to the appointment. I would call the office staff to inform them it was coming and that it was very time sensitive and needed to get onto the doctor's desk asap. I would then call several hours later to ensure it was received and on the doctor's desk.

This kept me from having to talk about Mom in front of her which would have made her extremely angry and eroded trust even further. If the doctor does not have full information at the time of exam, then the exam is incomplete and assistance may not be there as needed.

It is often difficult to be a caregiver for a person with dementia under the best of circumstances. In your situation, this adds a very heavy layer to the resposibilities.

How does your husband feel about this? Does he participate in his mother's care?

Do check with your local Alzheimer's Assn. and local hospital social workers and see if there is a support group for caregivers in your area. This can be VERY helpful.

Having "meetings" with your husband to discuss what is happening, to share challenges and feelings and to begin to explore establishing boundaries will be important. Open lines of communication are important to maintain one's equilibrium. You may also may want to include your other family members also as appropriate.

You can try to the best of your ability. However, if there comes a time that you can just go no farther, then that needs to be set forth as an absolute if that is the way you feel.

I have always had a, "Plan B" re care if something untoward would happen. In other words, if we could no longer continue, I had already explored alternative living arrangements if it became necessary. At least if this did became necessary, I would be making the changes with prior knowledge of what I would do and would not have to try to do so under pressure.

Certainly, this is going to require changes for everyone in the house including your MIL. It will be VERY difficult for her to change because of the damage to her brain. She cannot be argued with, scolded, be explained to, instructed, etc. and have her fully process it as we intend. She has lost the judgment, reasoning and processing ability that we have.

I wish you the very best as you begin to work through this. Please let us know how you are and how things are going. We will be thinking of you. Come to talk or just vent anytime, we will be here.

Johanna C.

I want to thank everyone for their support and words of encouragement. My husband has been wonderfully supportive. He understands why I feel the way I do about his mother. He acknowledges that she favored her other son.

My husband has POA. Before she came to live with us my husband insisted she give him POA. She didn't mind doing that. When she had the blow-up with her other son she made changes in her will and living trust. She wanted to change it further in May to completely exclude her other son but the lawyer would not make the changes. He wrote a letter stating that he felt she was incompetent and my husband was excerting undue influence. This lawyer represented the other son's wife in a lawsuit against her brother in the matter of her mother's estate. So we anticipate a lawsuit when my MIL dies. Her trust gave Parcels A and B to her other son, and Parcel C to one of her grandsons(whose 18 and hasn't called her either). My husband was to get some rental property. Well Parcels A, B, and C were supposed to be created by a survey done in 1990. But that never got recorded and now the parcels can not be divided that way. But the trust refers to the parcels this way. We are going to be selling these parcels so that she has enough money in case she needs to go into a nursing home. We will be seeing a lawyer about this as soon as we can find the time. My husband want to get his mother declared incompetent so that he will become successor trustee and can sell her property as needed.

Part of the problem with her thinking we're taking her stuff, is that my husband brought back from NM more of her stuff than will fit in her room. She's told her sister "You wouldn't believe how small my room is." So some of her stuff is still in the basement and garage. But mostly it's not stuff that will eventually end up in her room. She has boxes of papers that my husband needs to go through, and boxes with oil paints. She wants to paint but hasn't in 20 years.

Sand1954, your father sounds very much like my MIL. She is totally unappreciative. My husband spent 4 weeks during Sept. and Oct. in NM getting her moved here. We own 5 rentals that we manage and that keeps us very busy. Currently one is empty and another tenant moving out Oct. 15. My husband is retired so we are both dealing with her. He is having as difficult a time with her as am I. He won't let her stay here if it gets much worse.

Has anyone noticed a pattern of negative behavior the day after having caffeine (like Pepsi) at dinner? We're trying to figure out what sets her off.

We will be looking for a caregiver when we get the time. My husband spent 2 hours yesterday paying her bills and putting in changes of address. But she wanted him to be putting up more pictures. Her room is wall to wall furniture and pictures.

I'm glad I've found a place where people can really understand what it's like. We never imagined it would be this hard.

Rose

Hi Rose. I am so happy you and your husband are in this together.

The sad thing (one of many) about this disease is the changes it brings in our LO's.Before my Dad entered stage 6 he was still very appreciative of everything I or my Mom would do.In his real life my dad was such a polite,loving,kind hearted man.He was such a good listener, and I cannot tell you how many people he helped in his lifetime.He was generous to a fault. He was such a softie.I adored him as did my children.

But when he entered stage 6 the paranoia began, the self centeredness,and the lack of empathy.
It was such a shock.

So the point I was trying to make is that he was a wonderful,loving man before AD, and he became very self centered,and determined to have his way, mainly trying to get home.

So if your MIL was not so nice before, I can only imagine what this disease will do to her.There were time with my dad I wanted to scream for lack of being able to get thru to him. I loved him so much...I cannot imagine how I would have felt had I disliked him going into this.

It will be a long,hard road, and you and your husband have my prayers.Many dementia people are easygoing or calm.My poor Dad was not one of them.It may be because he had vascular dementia.I do not know,but he stressed, fussed,and paced until he died.

I miss the Dad I knew my whole life,but I am relieved for him that he no longer has to live in the h@ll this dementia brought to his life.

I am sorry for you, as I am everyone on this forum, that we, and our loved ones have to endure this awful disease.Sandy

so sorry you are going thru this turmoil, rose. you are in oregon where mmj is legal for use in alzheimers. it has been of great help in anxiety aggression sleep and of course appetite. if you are interested in help please ask and i will do all i can.

Hi Rose. In reading your post I felt as if I was hearing myself speak. My husband and I have two boys ages 4 and 8.5 and my mother-in-law moved in August 1st. We were in the process of building an "inlaw" for her (not really sure she had dementia) and she got ill and ended up in the hospital. After that she could not go back to her apartment so she came to live in MY bedroom and home from August 1 until about a week ago (the inlaw was complete).

The familiarity comes from not liking her pre-AD and how to put up with her now that she is in your life 24/7. Believe me until she moved next door every day was a feeling of dread, irritation, stress and resentment for me over the seemingly disregard for everyone's life she had affected by being here. My counselor said that we initiated this with no consideration of any other options and now we had to try and deal with it while we were finding other options, i.e. nurses aide, sr. center activities, etc. Problem is she does not want to do anything but sit around and read and sleep. When she was doing that in my home in my face while I was running around like a maniac, bringing her to drs. appts, pharmacy runs, the market (her favorite), etc. my kids were getting very frustrated as was I. Those poor kids had the end of summer blues because of always being in the car trotting their grandmother somewhere and she didn't even seem to care, again increasing my resentment.

She has many medical issues and I am her medical POA so I ultimately felt sole responsibility (and I am a perfectionist) to keep her on track with all the medical advice given to her....but no, she fought me and still does. I have now come to the realization that it is just too stressful for me to constantly be on her to eat right, take her meds (still do it though), get the right rest, she will not exercise, socialize; so I have spoken to her docs and they suggest to do the best we can do and don't stress her out or myself (us) if she is refusing. All in all whatever comes of her lack of compliance we will deal with, i.e. hospitalization and then directly to a facility. My husband and I have agreed and although this is still difficult for me to do i am trying on a minute to minute basis. I do not think she will be able to be in the inlaw for too long as she seems to be more and more confused daily.

All I can offer to you is communication with your husband and try not to resent him (as I was beginning to) and know that however unfortunate this disease is it will only progress and at some point you will need to place her.

I know how hard it is to get time for yourself but believe me you need to. That is one of the suggestions that I have heard from so many. I have two young boys, work at home and my husband works until 8:30 p.m. so my ability to do so is very limited, but let me tell you the minute I get a chance, I run like hell!!!LOL

Take care of you and try to focus on your family. The issues with her will somehow get a little better once you have more answers with her future living arrangements and such.

Know that you are not alone with your feelings about her, I've got 'em too!

oh I can soooo relate to this post. Uh huh!!! The inlaws moved up to live with us for 5 weeks while waiting for their apartment to be finished. The idea being that MIL needed help with FIL (who we were told just had a few memory problems) and seeing they were well into their eighties it was deemed by DH'S family (2 brothers)that since we were retired (due to hubby's stroke a few years earlier, which he's fully recovered from other than a few cognitive probs, another story) they would be better off living down the road from us. Well.....they were in our home five weeks in that time MIL was admitted to hospital and we had FIL to ourselves for five nights straight.. He had more than memory probs, wandering all over the house, turning on and off the lights, peeing over the floor, and anywhere else, I think we had about a total of 8hrs sleep between us over that time....This was our first intro to dementia....MIL was given an mmse and scored 13, could only leave hospital if she was coming home to us.... Over that five weeks, many blood tests, doctors appointments, changes of meds and they seemed to improve. Well they moved into their appartment and were living independently for a while until we discovered they couldn't do much for themselves other than basic toileting, dressing etc. I would cook their meals 7 days a week and hubby and I would take them down, visit, give them their pills etc, until the usual "you're trying to make us take more pills than we should" etc. "I'll see you out so you don't steal from us," could go on and on. It was decided they weren't competant enough to live without some support. We had them assessed and got in caregivers for 1-2 hrs a day, meals on wheels 6 days a week (which hubby picks up twice a week cause MIL doesn't need help and refuses to have old people deliver her meals.)We are currently waiting on an assessment to allow them more time from the caregivers. MIL isn't cleaning properly anymore, washing etc and won't allow us to do it, but is finally used to the "girls" as we refer to them coming in, doesn't like it but is used to it now. MIL is about stage 4-5 with we think vascular dementia and FIL is about stage 6 ALZ we were told. It won't be long before they have to go into better care, but in the meantime making sure they are safe and happy, is the main concern at the moment.....Yes I can relate to the resentment, our 4 kids now aged from 26-35 were never given the typical grandparents attention and love, as their cousins who lived next door to them were. I was the worlds worst in MILs eyes from the time she first met me, our first meeting the comment was "I'm trying to understand why he chose to take you out, he has so many lovely, attractive intelligent, girls from our side of town that would love to go out with him".Yeah made me feel like a poor wet ugly rag.....sigh.....could rarely do a thing right to please her....and that was 37 years ago....I don't like her, I don't like the way she doesn't look after FIL properly, now it's put down to her having dementia, but she used to dominate and be mean before. I used to think that she had a forked tongue, most things coming out of her mouth were rude, mean etc. Yes I don't like it, but we take care of them and try to make sure they have quality of life......it's hard...

Welcome to the forum. I can tell you from experience, even if she was unlikeable before, all the behavior you are describing (wanting her son to do for her constantly, announcing that she doesn't like what you've made for dinner, being paranoid and not showing appreciation, etc.) are normal for Alzheimer's.

In stage 4/5, my mother became unable to feel sympathy or empathy for anyone. She expected that I was going to get things for her constantly (but when she would go to my brother's house, she would do things for herself).

An example for you would be that once I cut myself really badly and was bleeding all over. Mom saw what had happened and told me she wanted a cup of coffee.

If she can go to an adult day care, that would be great because her behavior would be less wearing on you (it does get really tiresome to take care of someone and never get a thank you or any appreciation whatsoever).

Two months is really a short time for her and you to get adjusted to this new living situation. In time, you may even find that you don't really think about how she was before and focus on how she is now.

I'm so glad I've found this forum. My friends seem to be tired of me e-mailing them about my MIL. Yesterday was a good day with my MIL. Since she wasn't being demanding it was easy to be nice to her and offer to do somethings for her. This was the 2nd good day we've had with her. I can put aside my feelings when she's like that. I hope these sorts of days come more frequently as she gets used to the situation.

Some days she'll bring out the cute pictures of her other grandkids, but never ours. I can't sit and look at her pictures when she does this. Also if she starts talking about how she set up bank accounts for all her grandkids, I just leave the room. The first time she told us that here my husband told her she had not set up any accounts for our kids. She thought about that for the rest of the day and then said the reason she didn't set up accounts for our kids is that they weren't born yet. Our kids are no. 2 and 4 (in age) out of 5 grandkids. Her youngest grandson in 10 and has a bank account she set up. Her 3 grandkids from her other son are all boys. I have a daughter and a son. So our son is unimportant to her. She does seem to like our daughter.

My MIL doesn't do anything besides watch tv and occasionally go through her pictures. We make her watch TV in her room most of the time, because she has to have the tv so loud. I don't know what to suggest to her that she can do. We got a cleaning person after she moved in to make things a little easier for us. She refuses to let this person clean her room, but we insisted they were going to clean her bathroom. She thinks she can clean the house, then shows us how she can finger dust the door trim. But she never dusts her room. I wish she read.

Another things she does now and before ALZ is to make negative comments about Germans. She spent 2 months in Germany with a husband whose daughter was in the military there. Both my parents grew up and lived in Germany. I was born 3 years after they arrived in the US and embrace my German heritage. We are totally opposites in many ways, so it's hard to listen to her spout things I don't believe.

Well today is my husband's birthday. She gave him $20. She didn't ask for a birthday card for him, but I did ask her if she wanted to pick one out of the ones I had at home. Which she did.

Another area that is sure to cause problems is selling her stuff. My husband brought back a u-haul of some of her things. The rest he gave to a place which will auction them off. My MIL has always believed most of her things are antiques and worth lots of money. She once gave this same auction place some of her items to sell and she took them back because they weren't selling them for enough money. So when her items are auctioned she won't be happy with the amount they are sold for. My husband is hoping to keep the itemized list from her. But I'm anticipating problems there.

In reading the posts I see it's going to get much worse. But we are willing to put her in a facility when needed. But her house has to sell first or she won't have the money.

Thanks everyone for your support.

quote:

In reading the posts I see it's going to get much worse.

Maybe it will get worse, maybe now. Maybe it will get better. There's no way to know -- so why not try to create the best day each day, and leave it at that? Actually, to contribute to a good day for yourself and other people is a HUGE accomplishment!

I know it's horribly hard when someone pushes your buttons. It's also an opportunity to experiment with ways to disengage from it so your MIL can say awful things and remind you of past things that still hurt -- and not feel hurt and angry now. You're in the situation anyway; it is what it is -- so why not look for ways to use it in a positive way?

Maybe we're all in a class (that we don't remember signing up for) to learn to accept other people exactly as they are -- and to give them what they need even when they don't give us anything in return.

quote:

Another things she does now and before ALZ is to make negative comments about Germans.

Ugh. I've had the same thing for 30 years, 'foreigners commit all the crime in Japan' 'foreigners don't look after their parents when they get old' foreigners this, foreigners that. Sigh. I guess it's the insult that takes the least effort.

I hate to disagree with Cathy but I don't believe it will get better.That's why it's called a progressive disease...and as it progresses it gets worse.

They will either fight it every step of the way, or fade into someone we no longer recognize. Either way it is very hard on everybody.

I have heard people comment that better is when they can no longer talk your ear off, cannot escape because they are bedridden,or are just in a daze.(not on this forum mind you). I always have to ask...better for whom?

I am sorry you are in this boat but I don't think it is realistic to expect that it will get better,and that is only one of many things that make this all so sad.

Good luck.Sandy

My husband's birthday passed with only one incident. We like to sit in our basement rec room but unfortunately to get there you have to pass by the boxes of MIL's things. These are mostly papers and painting supplies, and she has absolutely no room left in her bedroom for these things. So I invited her to sit with us in the rec room. Of course she started getting into her boxes, and angrily declaring it was her stuff. Also she tried to open a box that was taped shut that had some kitchen iteme of hers that she gave to us. I'm saving them for my daughter. It's only pyrex cookware. But we know if she sees it now she'll act like we're stealing it from her. I know the solution is to move her boxes, the problem is finding a spot for them.

My daughter came home from college this weekend for my husband's birthday. My MIL was very happy about that and acted really nice. She appeared to really be making an effort to be pleasant. My husband thinks she likes to start arguments, she derives some pleasure out of making my husband mad. Also, that she plays up any ache or pain to get sympathy. Has anyone else experienced this?

I cried this morning when I woke up. I know it can get much worse and may of you are having to deal with situations worse than mine.

Thanks for all your support.

Rose

Hi Rose, One thing I haven't seen in all these posts is the book "The 36-hour Day- A family guide to caring for people with Alzheimer Disease, Other Dementias, and Memory Loss in later life." I just read a few pages every night when I went to bed and found a gold mine of information to help me understand these diseases and how to deal with different situations such as how to diffuse arguments or other negative behaviors. I have so many corners of the pages turned over that the top half of the book is wider than the bottom!