When my kids were in pre-school one of the songs they sang was called, "Four Hugs a Day". The first line in the song said that four hugs a day were the minimum not the maximum number of hugs you need everyday to be emotionally happy....

It's easy to hug your own kids, your husband etc.. but sometimes we forget our AD loved one...especially if "they're not very nice people."

My MIL can be one of those "not very nice people" and while not as bad as some, she has a biting tounge, has always been a malicious gossip, very jealous and AD hasn't mellowed those personality traits.

but everyone needs to be touched, to be loved, to be hugged.

So i started making an effort to find reasons to hug and touch her spontaneously...like after we both laughed at something. I make sure I kiss her cheek good night and good morning. After her shower I rub lotion all over her body,shoulders, back, arms, legs and after I put moisturizer on her face I kiss her chin, nose and forehead gently...she always smiles.

I noticed my husband very rarely hugged his mom and pointed it out to him...he now makes sure he hugs/kisses her whenever he comes home or leaves...

You wouldn't believe the difference it has made. It was a real effort at first because she can be so unkind and hurtful but the pay-off has been big and worth it in the long run.

Your so right Nessa, I found when I couldn't get MIL to take a shower, I would hug her and tell her I love her as she was in my arms embraced in that hug... She could never resist the shower after that... Of course this was figured out after many fights trying to get her in the shower..

Sadly she is in NH now and I still have to go by and get my hug just about every day..

Thanks for the beautiful thoughts

Debbie

You've got it right, Nessa. A hug is a good vibe. A very good vibe. And it makes a big difference. --Jim

Nessa

thank you for sharing this..the power..of touch..

I believe..it can help our loved one's sense of well being..to let them know..we are there for them..assurance..they are Loved..

on some emotional level..our loved one's are understand..when I would get tears in my eyes..my husband's mom..would console me..it would upset her..if I was upset..

take care of you..Love Rosie

I was just thinking of this tonight. When I went to hug my Mom tonite before I left visiting her, I hugged her and just held on, and she held on too. I think we stood there maybe for a minute maybe longer just holding each other. I started to cry, though I didn't want her to hear, quietly. Being the perceptive Mom ofcourse she heard and started to comfort me! So sweet. That's my Mom. This disease can make us both so very sad but within it I am glad we can still love each other.

Nessa,
I agree!! I think we tend to avoid touching our LO's if they are "not so nice."
Since my Dad's placement in the NH, my husband and I have discovered just how
soothing touch can be. I ususally go right up to Dad and take one of his hands
in mine. A few nights ago, he instantly kissed my hand. My husband will sit on
Dad's bed, and rub his legs or feet; I'll either rub Dad's shoulders or head.
Its not something I felt I was able to do when he was in my home, but now I
just allow myself to SHOW my love for him. I'm thankful we were able to
push past any "fears" of expressing our love, and we just do it now. I
encourage everyone to do it. Loving physical touch is needed by every
human being, and especially when they have an illness such as dementia.

just like a child an elderly person's responds to touch in a good manner...
they may mistake a touch as romantic or otherwise just reassure them your touching them to receive some of their power or longevity---
I often shake my MIL hand after we overcome a (pressure moment)---
always reaffirm your connection to your loved one..
kc

Thanks for your comments...a couple have really caught me by surprise. I assumed that since my MIL isn't able to show empathy I thought it was an Alzheimer's thing...not being able to show compassion or empathy...

My MIL can do it for her dog (over exaggerated empathy) but not for her family memembers. One daughter has rhumatoid arthritis and another is awaiting a liver transplant and all she can say is, "what do they expect me to do about it?" and get very angry/agitated when they call. I suggested to them that they don't talk about health issues...but she's their mom...you need your mom when you hurt.....

I'm glad some of our AD LO's are still able to "feel" appropriate feelings.

Then there's me...someone asked me recently if I had received an extra dose of empathy at birth...LOL . at the time I was explaining how I had accidentally killed a ton of worms...I had cleaned out the guinea pig cage with a mild solution of bleach water and dumped it out on the lawn.....NEVER, EVER DO THAT!!! Tons on worms came to the surface and I just knew they were screaming in agony.....

I rather be over sensitive that not sensitive at all, i guess

Anyway keep trying to touch, hug, love the one's that are the most challenging....they need it the most.

Is she on meds the number one side effect from anti-psychotics is irritability---
klcouncil

Nessa, oh I am glad I read your post! I never thought of that, about the worms that is. Glad you mentioned it. Spring is here and cleaning needs to be done...