My husbands father has been diagnosed with Alzheimers 4 years ago. His mother now has dimentia and is actually worse than his dad. They lived about 150 miles away from us and we started received calls from neighbors and we would have to drop everything and go to their home. Eventually one of the neighbors contacted Adult Protection Services. We went again and had to put his mother in the hospital. While there we were told by her physician and the hospital social worker that she could no longer live on her own. With his dad having Alzheimers and both of us working we decided it was best to get them into Assisted Living. After bringing them to the town where we live and getting then to the Assisted Living Facility the caregivers there determined that they needed to be in the Memory Care Unit which is a lock down unit because they determined they were both a flight risk. This was 5 months ago. She has been hospitalized twice in the psychiatric unit and they have been able to adjust her medications and she is better. However, both of them seem to experience schizofrenic (sp?) episodes and think people are steeling their things and they want to go home - but to a home where they lived 50+ years ago. They still remember certain things and we have been told they are the most ambulatory in the unit and it is probably depressing for them to be around those with final stages Alzheimers. But they do participate and enjoy many of the activities.
Question: we do not know how to address their questions and strong desire to "go home." When we visit they tell us they hate it there and constantly complain that they want their money to buy a car and go home. When we do not do this they become angry which makes one not want to go back. We have just found a support group but haven't gone to the first meeting yet-it won't meet again for a couple more weeks. We are just totally lost on how to talk with them and how to cope ourselves and we are bound fll of guilt. Any advice would be appreciated.

I forgot to ask one thing. I have read that AD patients need routine and to try to avoid things that disrupt this routine. If both parents such as ours are in a Memory Care unit how often would you suggest that we visit them?

Welcome to the forum. You will be surprised at the number of us that totally relate. This is a place to bring your questions and reap the results.
When we had to take my mothers car keys it was awful and I finally had key made that would open the door and fit in ignition but would not start the car. I just told her is needed work and she would forget until next time. The people here call it theraputic lies and works for me.
Maybe you could tell them that you are looking at a really good bargain on a car for them and will have results next visit. Most of the time they will not remember?
Sorry that you have such a burden but it appears that you are doing a good job.
My mother told everyone that my brother and I gave out keys to her house to everyone and that the people just came and took everything. She hid her purse or slept with it. When I am not mad about alz it is a very interesting study in behavior, and she is a very creative hider also. We are in her home and she still wants to go home so that is a no win situation for me.
It is the disease but it is in my mothers words so makes for hard listening.
May we be able to share in your burden and lighten the load.
Come often and read and post.
We really care and understand in a way that only those in the walk can. Welcome.

1) Visit frequency - I visit my mom about once a week. Others visit their LOs daily. And some visit monthly. It's all over the map. There's no right or wrong answer. Just depends on what works best for you and them.

2) Going home - very, very common, even for people who are still IN the home they've lived in for decades.

Don't argue or try to explain the "truth". They won't believe it and it will just upset them more, as you have found.

Best thing to do is to agree that going home is a good idea. Say that you will take them next week when you have time off from work. You'll have to keep saying this, but they won't remember hearing it before.

Tell them the bank was closed this time, but next time you visit you will bring money for a car.

If they pack and unpack constantly, let them.

If they're really intense and worked up about this (and it sounds like they are), talk to their doc about an antidepressant or adjusting dosage if they are already on one. My mom always talks about going home, but the intensity and fury of it subsided greatly once she started a small dose of Celexa.

Hello sstephens, my name is Tom and I want to WELCOME you to this board that is designed for people like you and I! I’m sorry to hear about your problems with your MIL & FIL. It is very important to keep a positive attitude! I see that you have already been given some really important support. It is important to find a way to discuss problems without entering into an arguement.

My story,
I’m not a professional in this area. I’m a person with AD that serves as a volunteer on the message board. In June of 2008 (age 58) I was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s related dementia. I began visiting this message board in August 2008 and the people have become important to me.

I will attach a link to a site that will lead you to your local Alzheimer’s Association
Chapter. Those people will be able to assist you with local resources and thoughts to improve your life:
http://www.alz.org/apps/findus.asp

Please call the 24/7 Helpline at
1-800-272-3900 if you have any pressing issues!

Linkls to other important info:
Power of Attorney info
http://www.alznyc.org/caregivers/legalplanning.asp

The Alzheimer’s library
http://alzheimers.boomja.com/C...rst-Steps-61311.html

For Incontinence
http://bigtreemurphy.com/Incont.Home.htm
http://www.buckandbuck.com/

Caregiving
https://www.carerunner.com/welcome
http://www.alzstore.com/

For Elder Care:
http://www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare/Public/Home.asp

http://www.eldercarelink.com/p...KMvJgCFQHHGgodEUfpag

Senior Care
http://www.sittercity.com/senior-care.html?pc=cjaf


It seems to me that you are addressing the correct forum. I hope this information helps you to resolve your issues. Best of luck to you. Please come on back to visit us soon!

Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Thank you, each of you, for your blessed and helpful advice. I could not believe I aleady has a response (much less 3) in such a short time. I is so appreciated. I will come back as we learn more about this and deal with it more. God bless each of you as you deal with your particular situations. I have to keep reminding myself "it is not about me and how it is affecting me, it is about them." And, I know God will see us through this "fire" I just have to be reminded every now and then and that is just what your help has done.

I hear your problems. Both my parents suffered dementia, as well, at the same time. I had to place them both, against their wills, in a NH on the same day. It was horrible I wish I had known about this forum back then. It would have saved me some headache. But you are here, so good for you!

First of all, my parents both did the things your inlaws are doing. They both hated the place, hated me, wanted to go home. At first, we just said no, you can't live safely by yourself, which caused big arguments, tears all around. It was awful.

I learned over time just what you will be told here over and over. Don't argue. Tell those Loving Lies. Gloss over the issues. Change the subject. Tell them that everything is fine and that they don't have to worry about anything. Tell them it's temporary. Anything to make the visit more bearable.

When folks like our's go into a facility, it's kind of like being dumped in icy cold water. It's a real shock. I can't imagine it, but I suspect I may find out one day... Anyway, it takes a while to get used to the new place, new folks, new routine. It will happen. It may take months, but it will.

You did the right thing. As for visits, I found that visiting a couple of hours before lunch is a good time. You get your visit in, then you have a natural cutting off point. "Well, I see it is time for you two to eat lunch!" It has also been said to give the folks some time to get used to the new place before visiting, and there are pros and cons to that. It's a personal thing. I wish I had, but on the other hand, I felt so responsible for placing them, I could not stand the idea that they may have felt dumped. I didn't want them to feel abandoned, so I visited at least once a week, crying both ways. It's hard on everyone. My mother passed in February, seven months to the day she entered, but my dad is still there and he's really getting along well.

Good luck and post here often.

quote:

However, both of them... want to go home - but to a home where they lived 50+ years ago.

Hi,
One reason your folks may want to go to the old home is because they think they are 50+ years younger than now. I've read that our LO lose their memories in the order of the most recent to the very earliest. So, they may only recognize people, places and things they knew 50 years ago.

When they ask, perhaps a little fib will help: tell them it's being cleaned/painted/remodeled, etc. and they can't go until it's done. A friend of mine tells her mom (who's in ALF) that she'll be able to go home in 2 weeks and that seems to satisfy her. She also says she's been there for about 2 weeks, even though it's been about 2 years.

I don't have any advice about the suspicion. My mother is the same way - every time she can't find something, she calls me and demands that I give it back. I cannot figure out how to distract her when we're on the phone, so I make up fibs about having to hang up. Then when I see her, she's usually found the thing.

As for the car situation, you might try saying something about taking them to look for a car in 2 weeks or whatever. Long enough in the future that they'll forget about it.

K

when my mom was admitted to her first alf I visited daily because she seemed to need to see me. when she moved to a very small alf ( and settled into a late stage 6) I visited once a week because my presence upset her routine and made her remember that she had a house. Wanting to go home is so common, but home is a place in the heart. I told mom that she was going home as soon as the house was ready, and that daddy would be home tomarrow (never sure when this referred to my dad, and when it referred to hers). Distractions helped food, or going for a short walk to the library to look at plants to sit in the common room. peace

Waving my hand in the air, me too - dealing with the same stuff, although only my mother. At the beginning I used every excuse in the book, a leak in the apartment, the doctor said you need rehab, you can go home next week, etc... The rodent and roach infestation I never needed to use. Now my mother is in a dementia only ALF and boy is she being difficult, but pretty much the same as everyone else. She seems to be past the stage of thinking everyone is stealing things, but that was a doozy of a stage! Now she's in the violent, aggressive stage.

That being said, welcome to the boards. You will find many posts on here about therapeutic fibs. We have to do what works.

As Grassflower says, visiting is a personal thing. It takes me about two hours each way to see my mother. I was going once a week, sometimes I still do. Now I try to go every other week. My sister goes multiple times a week. I call the ALF daily, usually more than once a day. As per the ALF, the best time to visit is in the morning as 3:00 usually starts the sundowning process. Imagine an entire ALF with sundowners?!?!?!?!? There is a huge difference in my mother's demeanor in the morning vs. the afternoon.

Stop feeling guilty. What choice did you have? Their safety is the number one concern right now and it sounds like you and your husband did a great job! Pat yourselves on the back.