Does anyone have the above situation? It is splitting me in two. My 90 year old father still lives in his own home which is about 20 minutes away from my home. I have help from my husband, but we also have afternoons of therapy for my 12 year old daughter. She also attends a ballet class. Between schoo, some exercise for myself to maintain sanity, and trying to visit dad at least once a week; I am exhausted. My husband helps on his way home from work as he stops often to help dad. Dad also has a nice maid who has been close to the family for years. We are having her come to the house more. Dad's doctor visited his home, and told us we were doing the right thing by having someone visit daily. My husband stays overnight one night a week. This is very hard on everyone, but with us having a small home that would not accommodate dad; and also realizing that it was not possible to add him to the situation in our house, this is our best option on caregiving presently. It seems like we are all tired from the situation. Dad gets anxious at times, mostly in the afternoons. Friday, he called me; and said he was "going to pass out". This was related to not eating well. We have been doing everything we could to fix dad meals, but he has changed his diet to eating very little. The worry for him is overwhelming. I have managed to exercise at least once a week, but can feel the stress building. I am 51 years old. I feel tremendous guilt at times for when I don't visit. Does anyone else deal with this type of situation? How do you handle the stress?

This is so much like my situation. My mom is 82, but lives 40 minutes away, and I have a 16 yr. old with autism -- and yes, that means lots of therapies, etc.

Since last November, we have been visiting and helping mom 3+ times per week, and it IS very hard!!!

We are all exhausted and stressed. In addition, my mom does not have anything like a maid. Sometimes friends check on her a couple of times a week, but otherwise it is up to my husband and me.

On a different thread, I have discussed how the way my mom set up her affairs is making it difficult to know how to get her into assisted living (all the financial end).

My mom eats, but not as well as she used to.

I don't have any great suggestions about how to handle the stress, because I have felt about to blow recently.

Hearing from someone else in a similar situation does help, though.

Hang in there. Hopefully things will get better for both of our families soon!

Maybe, we could write to eachother. I'm sure that would help me. I know you must be very busy as I am, but it does help to hear from another person in my situation. Do you get time to yourself when your son is in school to do something to relieve the stress. Sometimes, all I want to do is sleep a bit. Lately, I'm lucky if I exercise once a week. I know this must sound selfish, but I think it is a necessity in order to care for my dad and daughter, that I take care of myself. Though, to be honest, when I am needed right away; the exercise is the first to go. My daughter is only 12, but her needs have typically been handled first in our family. With dad's needs starting to be very important; it is extremely hard to juggle. I have to get her enough sensory input, or she will display more behaviors that are not workable.

I am so glad you wrote back. I think it will help just knowing there is someone else in this situation.

quote:

Originally posted by middlechild:
This is so much like my situation. My mom is 82, but lives 40 minutes away, and I have a 16 yr. old with autism -- and yes, that means lots of therapies, etc.

Since last November, we have been visiting and helping mom 3+ times per week, and it IS very hard!!!

We are all exhausted and stressed. In addition, my mom does not have anything like a maid. Sometimes friends check on her a couple of times a week, but otherwise it is up to my husband and me.

On a different thread, I have discussed how the way my mom set up her affairs is making it difficult to know how to get her into assisted living (all the financial end).

My mom eats, but not as well as she used to.

I don't have any great suggestions about how to handle the stress, because I have felt about to blow recently.

Hearing from someone else in a similar situation does help, though.

Hang in there. Hopefully things will get better for both of our families soon!

Although my situation is different, I understand exactly where you are coming from. Besides working full time, being in school, dealing with all of my mother's affairs, and having my mother at minimum an hour away by car - I can't visit her as often as I would like and the guilt is overwhelming. I live in a studio apartment, no way could my mother come live with me, nor am I capable of taking care of her. I'm exhausted and stressed all the time and it's starting to show. My eating is awful, I either eat too much or don't eat at all. My stomach is definitely not my friend and my reflux is out of control.

I don't really handle the stress well at all, but I'm trying to get out once a week to see friends, even if just for an hour. It's a little escape. I also come to these boards to vent and to read.

You have come to the right place. My situation is a little different. We moved mom in. My 22 year old son lives in her house. Stress, I know it well. They doctor has even told my husband that he is worried about me. That I need to take time for myself.......Right! who's going to stay with my mom. I just turned 5o in April, going through the change, hot flashes, mood swings. What's to worry about? I'm lucky, I have wonderful friends that check in. My husband is always telling me to go do something on the week-ends. I take it you are the only one dealing with dad. Maybe you can have him come stay with you just for a few days during the week. That's what we did at first with my mom. We would call them sleep overs. I don't have the answere, but I'm here for you to vent. I grew up in Hawthorne. Right next to you.

The boards are wonderful, but the best stress buster for me has been meeting with a small group of friends weekly. For an hour we share needs and pray together, hug each other, and go home. There is something nurturing about being face to face with a friend or two who will listen and empathize. Try to find a little group that will support you in this way.

Hi Rosemarie:

My father doesn't want to live with us, and we can't live with him because my daughter's school is in this area, plus she has therapists coming to the house daily. So, that option is out. I am contacting friends, therapists, and others to try to find a referral to a possible live-in companion for my dad. I guess I have waited too long. Today, when the fire department/paremedics broke through a window to the house based on what my father was told by an operator (to call 911); that was the last straw. I realized he desperately needs someone to live with him. My nerves are shot because I don't know when this will happen again in the meantime before I find the right person to live with him. I am frightened of the fact that bringing in a stranger means facing the unknown. I cannot afford to deplete all of his assets to get someone who is licensed. I am hoping a nursing student or older person looking to live with someone will be an option.

Wendy

quote:

Originally posted by Rosemarie D.:
You have come to the right place. My situation is a little different. We moved mom in. My 22 year old son lives in her house. Stress, I know it well. They doctor has even told my husband that he is worried about me. That I need to take time for myself.......Right! who's going to stay with my mom. I just turned 5o in April, going through the change, hot flashes, mood swings. What's to worry about? I'm lucky, I have wonderful friends that check in. My husband is always telling me to go do something on the week-ends. I take it you are the only one dealing with dad. Maybe you can have him come stay with you just for a few days during the week. That's what we did at first with my mom. We would call them sleep overs. I don't have the answere, but I'm here for you to vent. I grew up in Hawthorne. Right next to you.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by redondo ca:
I guess I have waited too long. Today, when the fire department/paremedics broke through a window to the house based on what my father was told by an operator (to call 911); that was the last straw.
[


Yeah, it is hard to know when to do what. I probably waited too long to talk to the doctor about taking away Mom's keys (she narrowly missed causing a bad accident); during the summer she also tried to file a missing persons report on my father, who died about 20 years ago.

I am taking Mom to see an ALF five minutes from our home tomorrow -- wish me luck!

My prayers are with you that this facility is a good fit for your mom. I just talked to dad at his home to make sure he was eating. I am at the end of my rope in some ways. My husband is offering to stay at dad's house 3 nights a week, but my daughter and I need him here. It is a struggle. If I let my husband go to dad's house too much, it will impact my daughter. Plus, if I am being honest, I am not comfortable having him gone for nights at a time. Even if I find a live-in caretaker, they will need time off. My husband does not want to see all of dad's resources depleted (nor does my dad). So, this is the problem; how do I find someone good who is inexpensive. How do I also find someone who will not hurt my father nor steal from him.

Hugs to you from me. I know you understand the stress. Tomorrow, I am going to exercise in the morning as dad will have his maid/friend at the house. I feel tremendous guilt for doing anything for myself right now.

Wendy

quote:

Originally posted by middlechild:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by redondo ca:
I guess I have waited too long. Today, when the fire department/paremedics broke through a window to the house based on what my father was told by an operator (to call 911); that was the last straw.
[


Yeah, it is hard to know when to do what. I probably waited too long to talk to the doctor about taking away Mom's keys (she narrowly missed causing a bad accident); during the summer she also tried to file a missing persons report on my father, who died about 20 years ago.

I am taking Mom to see an ALF five minutes from our home tomorrow -- wish me luck!

Redondo, Wow your situation does sound totally overwhelming. I want to welcome you to our online Alz. support community.

I cannot tell if your Dad has Alzheimer's and/or other conditions. Do you believe he is safe at home?

You might try calling the Alzheimer's Association in your region to look for local resources. There is also a hotline number when the offices are closed at is located at the national site.

I wish you luck and know you are not alone.

Thanks for the response, Linda. Dad will not leave his home so we got his wonderful Psychiatrist to come to the house (no kidding, there are still good doctors who will do this). So, as near as the doctor can tell; dad has the beginnings of Dementia. Basically, he is a hands-on doctor, who has been a very good resource for information and guidance. He advised that dad was best at home. Though, now he realizes that dad will most likely need a live-in caretaker to continue this lifestyle. It is hard to think about doing this, but necessary. Dad is experiencing much anxiety as this is the beginnning of the Dementia; and he is very aware of his changes. I believe, dad, can live alone until we find the right person to live with him; but, this could change daily as we have not known we would be in this position at this point. We felt we were o.k. with what we were doing. Still, I believe that this is going to be a challenge as dad does not want to pay too much money. He is from the generation who went through the depression; and wants to take care of our daughter who has Autism. He does not want to spend his money easily. I will begin searching tomorrow through church ministers, etc. I have one lead from a friend, but am still concerned that I find the right person who we can trust to bring into dad's life.

quote:

Originally posted by Linda G2:
Redondo, Wow your situation does sound totally overwhelming. I want to welcome you to our online Alz. support community.

I cannot tell if your Dad has Alzheimer's and/or other conditions. Do you believe he is safe at home?

You might try calling the Alzheimer's Association in your region to look for local resources. There is also a hotline number when the offices are closed at is located at the national site.

I wish you luck and know you are not alone.

Hi, your situation sounds as stressful as mine. My 80 year old mother lives in an ALF 4 miles away from me, but I take her to all appointments, advocate for her, and visit every day. My adopted daughter is 16 and fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, and some other emotional problems, so we have lots of appointments, too. And to top that off, my husband has been struggling with mental illness for the last three years. It's been really tough. It sounds like you know how that goes. Please feel free to contact me--my email address is wombatcat at gmail dot com.