We heard the first rumors last week, and now it is confirmed.... My MIL will be arriving tomorrow for 12 days. Here is a clip of a phone conversation I had with one of the folks from hospice....

Me: the 14th? the 14th?? there is something about that day, but I just can't remember.... Oh Yea! My MIL might be here for a visit.
Hospice: Is she familiar with AD??
Me: LOL.... yes, she has it too !!!!

The timing on this could not be worse. If we didn't have our hands full with Mom and her daily changes, now this. MIL visits always throw our house into turmoil. From past experience I know our patience will be tried to the limit.

I can hear people saying.... Then tell her she can't come right now. Unfortunately that is not possible in this case.

What makes the timing on this so awful is I have a getaway planned since last April that coincides with this visit. I was originally planning to be gone six days. With Mom's recent decline I have shortened it to three days and actually am prepared to cancel at the last minute. I have gone to great lengths to assure Mom's care when I plan to be gone.

My husband will now take time off work to be here for his Mom should I still proceed with my plans. As fantastic as he is, he doesn't know how much care and demands she needs during her visits. She lives with his brother and wife who are in denial of dementia. Well, that may be changing and that is why they are flying her up here this week....

Personally, I would not even put her on a plane by herself even though it is only a short one hour direct flight into a small airport here. Huge airport on the return trip. I hope they are there at the gate to meet her! I hope they walk her to the gate to get here!!

Mom's behavior always changes during her visits. It's like Mom has to "keep up" with MIL. This is/was not possible and it would take weeks before Mom was back to herself. However, Mom has changed so much in the past six months, same time as MIL last visit. MIL has also declined greatly in the same time. I would say stage 5/6 for her, but her abilities are SO different from my Mom. Like the saying "if you've seen one person with AD, you have seen one person with AD".

MIL arrives with her medicine a jumbled mess, wrong clothing for the season, ingrown toenails, refuses to wear depends (leaky bladder, IBS and Crohn's) and usually brings a cold with her. Oh.... I must stop writing, I am getting myself worked up!!

I don't like to think the worst before it happens, but I am going by our past experiences. Maybe with both Mom's having changed so much in recent months things will be different. Yes, things could be worse!

I really don't want to cancel my getaway. It has been anticipated and planned for so long. Already it has been cut in half and my heart cut with it, but money has been invested and my dreams are still so there! To cancel for my Mom would be one thing, but to cancel because of MIL would be .... would be.... I can't even imagine.... Oh! are my true feelings coming out??

I ask myself why I want to post this?? What am I looking for?? Sympathetic ear?? Shoulder to cry on?? Just need to vent and say it out loud?? Cheaper then a psychiatrist?? All of the above?!? Then I think.... As hard as the times are getting, we are still so blessed in our lives. There are moments during her visits that we all treasure so much.... I am trying to create a calm and peaceful life here. This is just going to.... already has.... create mild chaos. Guess I just have to look at it as another bump in the road and keep on keeping on....

Send me some positive thoughts Forum Family.... I sure can use them!!

with love and peace,
serendipity

Hi - how come you can't just say no to MIL visit? You clearly NEED the break you've planned. Sounds like your brother-in-law is getting his for a week? Can anybody else come help your hubby? sounds like he'll need it.
Sending you positive thoughts - hang onto that vacation by your fingernails if you have to!

You can think out loud here as often as you need to.

It sounds like you need that break. Take it. Likely, nothing will happen, other than your husband's crash course and "Mother 101".

You need a break. Don't let anyone or thing take that away from you.

I say go on your outing. Sometimes it is good for us to find out that we are not indispensable, that someone else can manage even if they don't do it as well as you would. As "Roseanne" said ....something to the effect, if my husband comes home and the kids are still alive, I've done my job! Go and have a good time.

I agree you should go. Everything was planned and your husband can handle his mother for a bit. Go, relax and have the much needed rest that you need.

Hope this "anticipation" is worse than the actual visit from MIL. I think I have to agree with the others, GO. We have to take our breaks when we find them. You've made yours and unless something awful happens you need to take it. There will always be some "little" thing cropping up to try and spoil a needed respite. Run like the wind ....
Marie

Thanks for the encouragement. I will give myself permission to run away, and I might even add a day back to the trip!! As I was cleaning up some very messy messes all over the house today, I thought even though its a hard job and I am the one to always do it, it's not rocket science!

It does seem to be true.... The things we worry about don't come to pass and other things hit us out of the blue....

I held my 12 year old German Shepherd in my arms as she passed away yesterday....

Last month beloved kitty, yesterday my doggy shadow.... Mom didn't even notice the cat had passed. The cat was on Mom's lap all her waking hours. The dog was always steps away from me, which meant steps away from Mom. Slept at the side of her bed. I wonder if she will notice the dog is gone??

I am so ready for a break....
s

Oh if I could have a break of three days I'd give anything. You have to take care of yourself. If your husband doesn't understand how much care your mother needs then maybe this is the time for him to learn. You will make a better team of caregivers. I watch other people beginning to realize about dementia in a loved one and see how little they realize what is coming. Unless you actually have to cope with it you just can't imagine. You will be better for the time off. When I was on a diet plan we learned how important it is to but us at number one. When you do you become a better person to the others in your life.

Oh Serendipity - I'm so sorry you lost your fur-baby. They are so much like children, that their loss can be so profound and to deal with two losses so close together-oh my. That seals it - take your needed break (with the extra day put back in) and put yourself back together! Hang in there.
Marie