When you visit or speak with your LO who has dementia..... do you get sad? Does visiting your parent with dementia make you sad? Do you think it is a sign of 'unresolved issues' or do you see it as something else?

I am asking for my brother. Our mother is in mid-stages of dementia and was diagnosed 2 years ago... still living on her own with supports. She has what we believe may be a personality disorder, which could explain much of her paranoia/anxiety/intense privacy in relating with other people. My brother said that he gets sad when he goes to see her. Others have asked him why visiting her makes him sad. So I'm asking for him--- do YOU get sad when you go to visit your LO? If you do, how do you cope with the sad feelings... do you still go..... go less often.....what?

I go to see my mom at her alz. care facility about 6 times a week. On occasion it makes me sad, but I am ususally just happy to see her. Sometimes I wonder how I keep it together so well. Those feelings of sadness just creep up on me sometimes when I least expect it though; as they did tonight.

It was a special night at my mom's facility. It was their Fall Ball. Everyone dresses up. The place was beautifully decorated. There were drinks and horsdeurves, and music and dancing. I got my mother dressed up. She looked really cute. My mom used to dress quite well before this disease. Now she is in adaptive overalls most of the time. So when I first saw her all dressed up, I had a moment when I felt like it was old times and could really picture her well again. We then went to the "town square" for the ball. We spent a great couple of hours together and I was fine. Then as I was watching my mom dancing with a caregiver and I was overcome and just couldn't stop the tears. Not sure why it hit me like that. She is just so sweet and it is just so painful that this has happened to her.

This disease is so all consuming. I can't see myself going to see her less often, but you never know. Have to just take things one day at a time. It is too painful to look at what the future might be.

Of course we get sad,,,we miss the person that once was. If there's unresolved issues from over the past years,,,let them go,,,its too late to try to resolve them.

Instead,,try to accept and embrace the here and now of what is,,what will be.

Try to at least exude some form of happiness to your LO thats been afflicted with AD,,,enjoy the fact that they're still alive,,and still know who you are. Delight in any smiles on their face that you can give them,,hug them and tell them that you love them,,even if they're having a bad day.

As a child of someone who has AD,,,you have done a "role reversal",,and the past is the past,,so you make the most of the here and now.

Can't ask or expect any more than that. Be happy when your'e visiting,,and when you leave,,try to be brave. Peace

I visit my mother at the NH 4 times a week and yes, there are some times when I do get sad. Tonight, she was crying and called me mummy. So I told her she was my baby. That makes me sad, our roles are now totally reversed.

I'm sad that she is distressed and I can't help her. I get sad when she asks to come home. It's all the losses we have had over the past few years, sometimes it's overwhelming.

Since my mother is placed not so close to me, I visit every other week, sometimes every week. Do I get sad? YES!!! I usually cry on my way home (I hold it in until I leave her, which is often hard to do) and when I get home I can do nothing but nap for a couple of hours. Even when it's a good visit, I still get so sad.

Oh the personality disorder thing. Yep, we were pretty sure my mother had that too. I think it's just the dementia. Depending on what part of the brain is effected causes different behavior patterns.

What your brother is feeling is normal. I honestly can't believe that people would ask him why visiting her makes him sad. These questions must be from people who are not dealing with a LO with dementia, or any other horrible illness for that matter.

This disease is very hard to accept, but you know it's just part of life. You bet I can get sad and flustered when visiting Mom. I try to be positive and enter her apt with a big smile and continue my upbeat personality. In the end she catches my vibes and starts smiling and chatting about positives vs. negatives.

If I wouldn't go visit mom due to the sadness, well gosh I'd NEVER GO. We must be strong and continue forward to be part of their lives.

YOUR QUOTE: She has what we believe may be a personality disorder, which could explain much of her paranoia/anxiety/intense privacy in relating with other people.

MY RESPONSE: Mom was always Private type, but now I feel the disease has caused much of her paranoia/anxiety actions. In your situation, do you feel this could be caused by the disease, too??

I remember my FIL was diagnosed with congestive heart failure 2 yrs ago and he started into the dementia too. It was so tough to visit him as he lost so much weight, couldn't keep his dentures in, etc, but I did what was best for him ------ VISITED DAILY!!!! There's nothing fun about getting old and acquiring any disease, but we must remind ourselves this is part of life.

I know when I was growing up my parents were ALWAYS THERE FOR ME, so now it's my turn to be ALWAYS THERE FOR THEM!!!!

Be strong!

Every body reacts differently. Some people will stop visiting all together because they want to remember him/her like she was. Personally, I don't buy that excuse.

Over time I accept the situation more, and I am sad less often. I go just about every day.

I think all reactions fall in the range of "normal" as humans vary so much.

Just tell him to GET OVER IT. It's gonna happen to him someday, pay his dues now and hope that somebody goes to visit him when he's drooling in a wheelchair, gumming down pureed cabbage rolls. This dreadful disease is sooo unattractive, but just suck it up.

I recall someone telling me that were TOO BUSY to go visit LO! reguarding not buying and excuse that is one I dont buy at all!


Everyday when i get up i get sad b/c i have to see grandma struggle again, But im thankful she is still with us!

I find that that more I visit with my mom, the less sad I am while visiting. If I miss a week, I'm struck by how different she is from the mom I grew up with. When I visit a few times a week, I'm more focused on her and making sure that she has the opportunity to laugh and enjoy herself. That doesn't meant that I don't go home sometimes and cry. But for me, the way to deal with it is to visit her more, not less.

I wish I could visit my mother more, but it's just not doable for me. I think for me the difference is that she's still in the hospital. Once we get her settled into a place I know I will feel better.

I've also come to terms and have accepted that my mother has AD. That was a huge step for me. Acceptance actually made me less sad. I can focus now on her comfort and happiness and not on this stupid disease. I'm not sure if that made sense, but I know what I was trying to say.

I can't imagine not feeling sad about the situation, but that is no excuse to not go. It may be too hard on you to go every day, but you need to go at least a couple of times a week. I have gotten so that though I dread going, I think I do a pretty good job of loving her up and making her feel like she had a good visit, and I tend to feel relief when I leave, just because I did it.

I don't think anyone on here doesn't go to see their LO's. It's other people who make excuses not to go.

I definitely had a harder time visiting him once he didn't know who I was. When he was just confused and forgetful, I could deal with his repeating and everything. When he didn't know who I was and his conversations didn't make any sense, it was extremely difficult. It just broke my heart. There were no unresolved issues - I just hated that I had lost him completely even though he was still there.

It was even worse when he moved into his ALF. He sometimes wanted me to take him home with me. He didn't make any sense, and he was so agitated.

It is so easy to say get over it and just deal with it. It is not so easy to do. I had been there with him every step of the journey, but those last 6-7 months were just so difficult. I did find a way to deal with it - I went to visit him when my mom was there, and that way I could see him, and she could kind of follow his conversations better than me. Chicken way out? Yup. But at least I found a way that worked.

Give your brother a hug.

This disease is unique to everyone. Our responses are proof of that.

The earlier the stage my mother was in, the more often I visited, the more engaged in her care I was, and the worse I felt. Frankly, no one could pay me to go thru those middle stages with her again any more than they could pay me to go thru 8th grade one more time. Angry, sad, helpless, frustrated. As she has "progressed", I visit regularly, but all the anger, any resentment and old issues are all gone. In fact, I find myself just wanting to visit my mom.

I'm not the only one who has lost their resentments and issues. So has she! We are so much alike and seem to have finally let go of that contest between us all our lives. We're far more at peace. I truly believe she knows I know how she feels and I know she knows, etc.

She doesn't always recognize me or can't prevent those AZ idiosyncrasies, but every now and then she lets me know that she knows who I am. That's what my brother is missing, as well as her only sister and brother-in-law. They've gone about this their own way. Most of the time I try not to judge but sometimes it's hard.

When I leave her NH, no matter how good the visit has been, I'm always sad and cry in my car.

quote:

Originally posted by SueGall:
I definitely had a harder time visiting him once he didn't know who I was. When he was just confused and forgetful, I could deal with his repeating and everything. When he didn't know who I was and his conversations didn't make any sense, it was extremely difficult. It just broke my heart. There were no unresolved issues - I just hated that I had lost him completely even though he was still there.

It was even worse when he moved into his ALF. He sometimes wanted me to take him home with me. He didn't make any sense, and he was so agitated.

It is so easy to say get over it and just deal with it. It is not so easy to do. I had been there with him every step of the journey, but those last 6-7 months were just so difficult. I did find a way to deal with it - I went to visit him when my mom was there, and that way I could see him, and she could kind of follow his conversations better than me. Chicken way out? Yup. But at least I found a way that worked.

Give your brother a hug.

I don't think you took the chicken's way out. You are doing the best you can. I'm sure your mom likes having the extra company, too.

We should avoid judging others for their actions...however, they will have to live with the consequenses (guilt someday?) and that's just the way it goes. I have heard others make excuses for their grown kids not visiting grandma...but I think adults need to decide for themselves what they can do.

Thank you everybody, for sharing yourselves and your experiences, for my brother. I am copying your messages and emailing them to him. I have told him about this board. After he gets that email, I will send him the link to the board so that he can find his way here.

Just so that you know--- you've given time to a guy who would share whatever he could with anyone in need. He's a great person with a loving heart who tries his very best, in spite of a challenging past with our mother's behaviours & choices. On his behalf, thank you.

Oh, and when I wrote about the personality disorder... we now believe that she may have struggled with a personality disorder for much or all of her adult life pre-AD.... so the anxiety/paranoia/extreme privacy now WITH AD are THAT much more extreme, if you know what I mean?

Sunshine, my family and I found the same thing to be true with my mom. What personality quirks she had became worse in the years leading up to her diagnosis - and she was diagnosed early in her journey. Looking back now, we can see the problems. However, her personality issues, the ones that made her avoid making friends, avoid intimacy, etc., became worse with her AZ at least until now. She's early stage 7, hates having people up too close, too loud, too touchy, and all that is definitely left over from her good years.