I'm new and feeling guilty. Can't stop crying and thought maybe finding some support here might help. My husband and I moved my mom from FL to our home here in GA 5 years ago after my dad passed. She lived in our basement apartment up until this past Friday when we moved her into a NH. My younger brother came up from FL to help find the best NH we could for her - and the is the extent of help I've gotten from family. Her dementia has been getting worse and worse, and I was finding that I needed to spend more and more time downstairs seeing that she is eating, drinking, showering, etc. In addition she has dumping syndrome and she wasn't cleaning herself real well after an episode-creating a diaper rash. After 5 yrs she still couldn't remember that she lived with me and kept asking when my dad was picking her up to go home. I was afraid she would start wandering and attempt to go "home" on her own. I'm still not sure that she really needs nursing care or if I'm just being selfish. I keep trying to convince myself that our time together will now be 'quality' instead of 'quantity'. When she was downstairs the only time we spent together lately is when I was cleaning up after her, or cooking for her, and I think she sensed my resentment because she would offer me money for helping her. this thought makes me cry even harder. I can't believe I made her feel like a burden.

Don't get over reacting to the fact that you had to do what is right. You found the BEST place you could. My dad we MANAGED to keep at home only because I agreeded to take on the responsability. It was a chore but rewarding in the fact that my dad was with ME.

I went through all the things you mentioned above-bedsores that were terrible-changing him 3-5X a day-giving him meds-food-comfort.

We were gonna put him ina home but he had one all paid off and money in the bank. So we/I made the decision to make his house our own little NH. We got the hospital bed -air mattress-you name it and when hospice was finally called in it was that much better for him.

Not everyone can do what we were able to- my younger brother wanted hime in a home 3 yrs before but I said I will stop my life and do what I never did for my dad in all my life.

Never feel bad for doing what is right !!!

We all do the very best we can for our LOs. It's not easy, no matter whether you choose to keep someone at home or place them. We had to place Mom in April in NH and it broke my heart. You are obviously a loving daughter and you are not selfish at all.

As the wise ones here told me, I did this FOR her, not TO her. It was for her safety and to make sure she got the very best care.

You still have a lot of work to do advocating for your Mom to make sure she gets the best care possible.

I wish you the very best and please keep us updated.

Hi,

Your story sounds exactly like mine except mom lived in my basement apt for 30 years so we had some good years. A year ago we had to place her in a NH. The first months were unbearable for me when I was at the NH she was angry and crying so I would want to leave when I was home all I did was cry and worry.

I can tell you it does get better, get the NH staff involved if you mom is having trouble adjusting. They can prescribe some meds to calm her,that is what has worked for my mom. Come to this site to vent and cry to help you adjust.

You have done a great job with your mom 5 years of taking care of her through this horrible disease. You know she needed more help and got it for her.

Hugs,

KK

Yep, had to place my mother too. Now I'm in the process of selling her apartment. The guilt can be overwhelming at times, I feel awful for her. But as you will see here over and over again, we do it FOR them, not TO them.

I could not care for my mother at home for a number of reasons. Another factor is that I'm just not a good 24/7 caretaker. I could never be a nurse; I just don't have the patience. My mother is WAY better off with professionals in a NH than with me. Of course, she wants to be with me and I do feel sad about that. You are right, lonelydaughter, I have also found that "quality" is better than "quantity" because "quantity" was not good for mom and it sure as shoot wasn't good for me after a while. As AZ is different with everyone, so are the ways we caregivers are able to deal with it. You've done so in a healthy, rational way and that is good for your mother.

I do feel for you and can relate to your emotions! We're in process of moving our mom into ALF next week...dropping the bomb of why she must move from her independent home of 20 yrs.

My heart stings are being pulled from one side to the other, but know WE ARE DOING THIS FOR HER SAFETY. We will never convince her, but hope our loving ways of encouragement on moving will help.

This is one of the most gut-wrenching diseases I've ever learned about, and thankful to all my friends on this board for guidance.

Stay focused on your goal and all will work out in the end!!

God bless!

Lonelydaughter:
Welcome to our community: I think you will find some wonderful support and advice here.

Many of us have walked in your shoes. We have moved our loved ones into either a nursing home, alzheimer's care facility, or private care home. I know that I felt such great sadness and guilt when we moved mom from her home to an ALF community, then within a month to a private adult family home which specializes in dementia. It was confusing to her, and heartbreaking for me.

BUT......I knew that this was what we had to do to keep mom safe. And that was the most important thing. To keep her safe. To be sure she ate properly (she would no longer cook because she was afraid she would leave the stove on, and was eating cold canned food), took her meds, maintained personal hygiene, did not wander and get lost.

Looking back, it is the very best thing we could have done for her. I moved her close to me, I visit her every other day.

I no longer feel guilt, because I know she is safe, and very well cared for. And though she doesn't express it, I'm sure she knows that too, because whenever her caregiver, or I, feed her, she says "thank you".

You have done the right thing.

Lonely, hi, and welcome to the forum.

It is never selfish to do what is best for our ADLOs. As the disease progresses, one person cannot possibly do everything that is necessary to care for them. You needed a team of qualified professionals, and that's what you've found for her. Now you can oversee her care, and you will have the time to make sure she receives the love she needs, with others to see to her bodily needs. She didn't sense any resentment -- she recognized all the hard work you were doing to help her, and she wanted to find some way to show you her appreciation. She sounds like a very sweet person ... and so do you.

just to agree with others, you have to do the right things to protect your mom. Wondering is a real risk, with frequent severe consequences. You can not make your mom be healthy, you can not make her be happy, you can love her, and keep her safe. peace.

lonelyd, agonizing about the decision may ease up after you see the care and attention your mom gets from NH staff. Watching them in action, "angels without wings," caring daily for those in all stages of dementia, smiling, getting your mom to smile, getting your mom to eat, and so on, you'll find that she WILL still be getting good care. The UP side is, you will get to change from being the caregiver to being the daughter again. That was my favorite part of Mom going to the NH, once I struggled through the guilt of "right or not?" In the beginning, Mom went through the "take me home" stage, but as she had all of her needs met and felt SAFE, she somehow, through mumblings that made sense to me, let me know she knew the NH was the place for her to be and she understood. Then, I was able to just visit and help take care of her, go to activities, sit with her, paint her nails, feed her, enjoy the time with her. Give it time. Your role will change, but she will still be your mother and you, her daughter.

Thank you all for your kind words and support. It is helping. Visited mom today and was not happy with what I saw. It's only been two days so they don't know her yet, and don't understand her needs yet, so they weren't very attentitive. It is a holiday weekend so most of the staff was made up of temps. Hopefully Tuesday after the holidays we can all sit down and talk about her needs and my concerns.

Lonelydaughter, I've been feeling extra guilty lately. I even mentioned to people close to me that I was considering bringing my mother back to her home with home care again. Then I went to visit her today. She cannot come home!!!!! I realize that I made the right move for her sake.

My real issue is with this horrible disease!

P.S. Yes, holiday weekends can be tough due to much of the regular staff being off. Things will get better!

Hi lonelydaughter, welcome!

Nothing about this disease is easy. We all know how you feel. You are obviously a loving, caring daughter. You have now become an advocate for your mom's care. As soon as the NH realizes that you are involved in your mom's care and are looking after her interests, things may get better. Its always a shock in the beginning.

Good luck,

Mari

This is a terrible disease. The guilt can be overwhelming. I am at the point where I look forward to the good days. They aren't actually days, but moments. In the home that I took my mother, they told me to give it a couple of weeks. My mother did eventually stop asking to go home. Good luck.

quote:

Originally posted by pieberry:
This is a terrible disease. The guilt can be overwhelming. I am at the point where I look forward to the good days. They aren't actually days, but moments. In the home that I took my mother, they told me to give it a couple of weeks. My mother did eventually stop asking to go home. Good luck.

OMG I'm ready to fall off my computer seat! Welcome sissy! You finally stopped lurking and decided to post. I'd be really shocked if this isn't you!

I think we can go back and forth in our own minds a lot, second-guessing. I know MIL is doing great where she is, but she calls all the time, several times a day saying 'I've been here long enough' and wants to come home, and that she'll live alone. She can't, but we sure can't tell her that, or why.

Sometimes she seems so clear that I begin to wonder if she shouldn't be placed, but when she comes home for her week at home (a few times a year, Christmas and New Years, spring holiday week, summer holiday week and others) it's easy to see that she really can't manage in a home setting very well.

Her doctor has asked us to keep her visits to 3 days or less because she does poorly and is disoriented if she is away more than that. We see it too, but thought we could overcome it somehow. She is fine when she arrives and is happy to be at our house, but she starts sundowning (which she does not do in the hospital)on the fourth day and starts with accusatory arguments and threats on the fifth day. We want to include her, but it's becoming detrimental.

She is so happy now where she is, I should stop feeling bad about it, but it's hard.

After two years of providing 24/7 care in my home, I placed Mom in a NH on July 31. There were these times of "OH MY GOSH! Why did I do this? I'm going to go get her and bring her home." But you know what, it's been a month and Mom is doing well. Is it perfect? Nope. Are the things that bother me impacting Mom's care? Nope. Do I go in with a smile and kind words for the staff? Yep. I have no shame. I don't object to buttering them up. Besides that, they deserve some pats on the back. We know what they cope with!

Please do not take your mom offering you money as a sign that she felt like a burden. Mom not only sometimes offered to pay me, she sometimes got mad and fired me!

While I do hate that things came to this, I do not regret my decision to place Mom. I'm still very much present in her life and now I can sit and hug her and make her laugh, take her for walks around the grounds when the weather is cooperative and she seems to know me more often as her daughter these days, because I am not the one giving her meds, cleaning her up, etc. Mom is safe and surrounded by others and not nearly as isolated as she was living with me. Give it time. Give yourself time. You never know what will work until you give it a fair chance.

By the way, weekends are the ickiest times. That's when we spend the most time with Mom because there are fewer activities in her NH.

Dear Lonely,

Please don't allow the guilt to eat you up. You have done the right thing. I knew my mother and I could never live under the same roof for long and I am not the caregiver type. I think I could do it for my husband, but I think that is different. We moved my mom to be near me and she lived in her own apartment for 2 1/2 years before we had to go the ALF route. That wasn't very successful for us and she has done SO much better in the NH. What we dreaded so much has turned out to be the best thing. Once we got over seeing her there (because it's a NH, not because it's icky) we were able to start enjoying her again. We had gotten to where we were always busy helping her and didn't have the time to do the fun things. Now I do her nails and we work puzzles together and play with her stuffed animals. She is very content and because of that, I believe, gets extremely loving care. I see the staff with the difficult people and I can tell it's a strain on them, although they do a wonderful job. Your mom sounds a bit like mine, because mine was always trying to get me to take money to make up for what I did for her.

Be the daughter again. You will get through this. We all do.

Hugs & prayers,

quote:

Originally posted by jazzy1:
I do feel for you and can relate to your emotions! We're in process of moving our mom into ALF next week...dropping the bomb of why she must move from her independent home of 20 yrs.

My heart stings are being pulled from one side to the other, but know WE ARE DOING THIS FOR HER SAFETY. We will never convince her, but hope our loving ways of encouragement on moving will help.

This is one of the most gut-wrenching diseases I've ever learned about, and thankful to all my friends on this board for guidance.

Stay focused on your goal and all will work out in the end!!

God bless!

Hi all,
I'm going to place my Mom in assisted living in the next 2 weeks.
She says that she isn't going anywhere.
She can't control her thermostat, cant use any appliances and her TV doesn't work some of the time.
She has a caregiver but now needs full time help.
I think that she will enjoy the company once she adjusts to the move but HOW do I get her physically there?
This is so heartbreaking.
She went with me this weekend to look at the place said it was pretty and then announced in her big outside voice that she "wasn't moving anywhere"
Any ideas?
Thank-you
T

quote:

Originally posted by dj okay:
Dear Lonely,

Please don't allow the guilt to eat you up. You have done the right thing. I knew my mother and I could never live under the same roof for long and I am not the caregiver type. I think I could do it for my husband, but I think that is different. We moved my mom to be near me and she lived in her own apartment for 2 1/2 years before we had to go the ALF route. That wasn't very successful for us and she has done SO much better in the NH. What we dreaded so much has turned out to be the best thing. Once we got over seeing her there (because it's a NH, not because it's icky) we were able to start enjoying her again. We had gotten to where we were always busy helping her and didn't have the time to do the fun things. Now I do her nails and we work puzzles together and play with her stuffed animals. She is very content and because of that, I believe, gets extremely loving care. I see the staff with the difficult people and I can tell it's a strain on them, although they do a wonderful job. Your mom sounds a bit like mine, because mine was always trying to get me to take money to make up for what I did for her.

Be the daughter again. You will get through this. We all do.

Hugs & prayers,

Oh you just helped so much.
I too am not a 'caretaker' type except I've been doing it for 8 years.
My Mom resents me taking over her life.
I would love to be the daughter again and not the 'boss'
thank-you thank-you
this is so hard
T

Thanks for sharing all of your stories. Most sound very similar to mine. Mom & I are both doing better I think. I took yesterday off and didn't go see her but I called. She said she was "packed" and ready for me to take her home. I explained that she was home and she seemed to take it well. My brother called her about an hour later and she cut him off because she was busy playing bingo! I think she is adjusting better than I am. The regular staff has been WONDERFUL. We'll see how the weekend staff is today.

LD--
Just remember that when your mother wants to go home, she's probably expecting to go to her childhood home-- back with her mother and father (or back to your dad).
So don't see it as that she wants to/needs to move back with you...
She's in a safe environment with a social life and support... Sounds like a great place for her. You can gently help the staff learn how to best work with her-- (and you'll learn things from them...) Often the social worker is the best one to talk with about any concerns and she'll relay them to the staff. Every three months there's a team meeting that you'll be invited to-- that offers a good chance to review her care.

.. I suspect that she and you have both been lonely and now's the chance for you to flower...
your time for YOU

[/QUOTE]
Hi all,
I'm going to place my Mom in assisted living in the next 2 weeks.
She says that she isn't going anywhere.
She can't control her thermostat, cant use any appliances and her TV doesn't work some of the time.
She has a caregiver but now needs full time help.
I think that she will enjoy the company once she adjusts to the move but HOW do I get her physically there?
This is so heartbreaking.
She went with me this weekend to look at the place said it was pretty and then announced in her big outside voice that she "wasn't moving anywhere"
Any ideas?
Thank-you
T[/QUOTE]

T, I've completed our move this week and let me tell you it's all very possible. My brother came in and she will listen to him. He found trying to work with her on why she should downsize, etc. We in our own minds knew she wouldn't remember, but used this when she changed her mind to move.

You truly can't reason with her so make your plans behind the scenes and do it. My brother took mom out for the whole day while hubbie and I moved her things into the ALF. When we were ready for them, she walked into ALF apt and was shocked. But...she in back of her mind knew she should do it. If we waited for her to decide she was ready, we'd all be dead. Do it and they'll adjust. Just know you do this for her safety.

Mom has been in ALF for 3 days and we visited twice and first day she was very happy. The second she was ready to go home, but by end of the visit she was fine -- took her to her meal and changed the subject as she forgot she was wanting to go home. Today we were called to speak with her as she was thinking the staff moved her again...sad day but I spoke with her and reassured her she was in original room.

Do what is best for them and know the part of "pulling our heart strings" is always with us. Must be strong and move on to keep them safe and happy!

Best to you!

Oh Thank-you for your timing
We just had the lady from the senior living home come out to evaluate her and Mom was nice to her told her how she needs to move to somewhere smaller, and that she gets lonely then when the lady left I got the "You're not moving me anywhere" "I'll tell you when I'm ready to move"
My brother just got up here and we thought that we'd tell her tomorrow that she is moving on Monday.
She has a Dr. appt. then take her directly to assisted living. My husband and my sister-in -law will set up the furniture.
I really needed to hear the part about you can't reason with her. And the we'll all be dead by the time she's ready
Again your timing is so very helpful and so is your support.
Here's to us all
HUG
T

TL, you sound like you are getting things together and your family is wonderful, helping you get things done,,Its best for most all moves to just do it and not upset the LOs any more then needed..I learned also with ALZ. you are not dealing with your loved one any longer, you are dealing with alzheimers, and it is a mean and nasty monster... i wish you luck.
MIL would yell at her son, my husband -and tell him "YOU Will NOT Put me in a NH... i wont go you cant make me.." and by Ga law you cant.. but when she fell and broke her hip and was taken to the hospital,, her Dr..(a wonderfully understanding man.. he also told us he would be the "badguy" and tell her HE was putting her in the NH just until she got well...
It worked like a charm.. she fussed for a while about going home, but when we would and still to take her out to eat on sundays she NEVER says a word about going anywhere except too the Catfish house.. that has been 2 yrs ago.. she is now settled in and happy and SAFE>>she gets her meds on time,she loves bingo, she eats, and if she does not like what the kitchen sends her, the aides and Nurses will see to it she gets a sandwich...and they are so caring for her,, and if she falls... i know she will have someone there to pick her up and get her to the X-ray and make sure she has not broken anything...again she is safe.. I know NH is not an ALF..but it was the best we could do for her at the time, also she was beyond alf, and she did not want to go 45 miles away ..she is only 5 mins from us and we are almost sane again,,,almost.. now we have to deal with the dememtia getting worse, but the nurses are wonderful..
good luck to you.. and i hope you find the best place for you and her....peace of mind, just knowing she is safe...

quote:

a wonderfully understanding man.. he also told us he would be the "badguy" and tell her HE was putting her in the NH just until she got well...

What a wonderful doctor he is!

We put MIL to stabilize her diabetes (really!:-D) because when I wasn't looking she was eating Ritz crackers by the stick, eating sweets, and her blood sugar was 200+ in the morning. While she was in for that, we discussed her not coming home, talked to her doctor....she did come home briefly as a trial and promptly did a whole box of enemas (LOL) and lit some chopsticks on fire 'to get warm' and countless other things. And I'm in the same house! We realized how bad she is, and when she went back from the weekend pass she was out on, we decided with her doctor that she just couldn't live at home, and we've been playing the 'when it's cooler/warmer/better out' game and now she's been in quite a while now and has adjusted.

That's not to say it's easy....

quote:

Originally posted by TL:
Oh Thank-you for your timing
We just had the lady from the senior living home come out to evaluate her and Mom was nice to her told her how she needs to move to somewhere smaller, and that she gets lonely then when the lady left I got the "You're not moving me anywhere" "I'll tell you when I'm ready to move"
My brother just got up here and we thought that we'd tell her tomorrow that she is moving on Monday.
She has a Dr. appt. then take her directly to assisted living. My husband and my sister-in -law will set up the furniture.
I really needed to hear the part about you can't reason with her. And the we'll all be dead by the time she's ready
Again your timing is so very helpful and so is your support.
Here's to us all
HUG
T

T, Plse don't give her any notice about moving. We sorta worked with her as my brother is great with Mom. If it were just ME I'd have someone take her out for day and drop off at ALF. I wouldn't bother to work with her before the move, but brother felt he had to and we truly didn't tell her when moving. All she got from him was that she agreed she must and did want to downsize. My brother has used the agreeing statements later when she now wants to go home. He tells her, "you know mom you told us you wanted to downsize". She shuts up and doesn't say "oh you never told me that one". You see LO hides the fact that she forgot, jus agrees.

We've found even few days in facility that the staff tells us she had a good day and was nice to them. But...when we knock on her door to visit wow does she hit us with I WANT TO LEAVE AND GO HOME NOW. You see they jump on us as they know us and on other side very NICE AND AGREEABLE WITH THE STAFF. One reason I'm not going over to visit for a few days....possibly calm down and forget she moved.

T, plse come back and let us know how it goes. Trust me you'll have butterflies in your tummie as we both did, but in the end she will be fine and know safe. Think about what could happen if she was still living along -- burner on stove and cause fire or sink water overflowing onto floor and cause water damage. Or...driving and lost and in auto accident killing herself or others. You don't want any of these so do what will keep her safe.

Best to you and plse keep us posted....one day at a time to get to your goal!!!

You guys are helping me so much
Actually my family except my wonderful husband has not been very helpful at all.
I've been on my own with Mom for 8 years.
They don't live here so its too bad (for me) They come up 1 or 2 times a year and help then.
My youngest brother is showing up for this and I am really glad.
The idea with the Dr. is really good.
My Mom has a Dr appt tomorrow and she keeps telling my sister-in-law she knows I'm "up to something" because I don't usually take her to the Dr. My husband and I work full time.
I was considering telling her that she's moving but after reading what you all have said and my husband has said the same thing I'll ask the Dr to tell her tomorrow. Then we'll drive her straight there.
Today we are shopping for a new bed and a new TV
I feel so sick I can hardly wait to go back to work on Tues.
I know his is best for her and I hate this disease that makes my Mom hate me for taking care of her.
I'll let you know how this goes and again THANK-YOU all so much you have no idea how much you're helping.
T

T L,

A few more thoughts:

I agree with the others, don't tell mom. We just had to move mom to the secure unit from her more independent (moderate memory impairment area). We didn't tell. Just did it. Sister took her out, we moved - she returned to new room.

Being a good caregiver begins by knowing your limits. Knowing, definitively, that you can or cannot continue to provide the care your LO needs is crucial. I WISH I could keep mom at home. With what we pay the AL I could easily quit my job and subsidize our family income for providing her care. I can't be a full time caregiver though. If I could change anything about this process that would be it. But it ain't gonna happen.

Lastly, from the original post .. I pay attetnion to EVERY detail at the AL. I know the staff, the schedule, the care model etc. I FREQUENTLY call and send emails with questions about mom and her care. I have sent pages of information about mom and her disease (PPA & FTD) and asked that the staff read up on both. The AL knows I pay attention and I believe that leads to better care.

Just my thoughts ..

Bz

I am getting ready to go through this process. I, too, feel the guilt occasionally, feel bad that I am going to have to find a place for her.

But all we can do is our best!

You're in my thoughts.

quote:

Originally posted by Bazel:
T L,

A few more thoughts:

I agree with the others, don't tell mom. We just had to move mom to the secure unit from her more independent (moderate memory impairment area). We didn't tell. Just did it. Sister took her out, we moved - she returned to new room.

Being a good caregiver begins by knowing your limits. Knowing, definitively, that you can or cannot continue to provide the care your LO needs is crucial. I WISH I could keep mom at home. With what we pay the AL I could easily quit my job and subsidize our family income for providing her care. I can't be a full time caregiver though. If I could change anything about this process that would be it. But it ain't gonna happen.

Lastly, from the original post .. I pay attetnion to EVERY detail at the AL. I know the staff, the schedule, the care model etc. I FREQUENTLY call and send emails with questions about mom and her care. I have sent pages of information about mom and her disease (PPA & FTD) and asked that the staff read up on both. The AL knows I pay attention and I believe that leads to better care.

Just my thoughts ..

Bz

Bazel, You know the move is over for us but now have to get into the "being advocate" for Mom. Get more involved with what she's doing and what they are doing for her guidance each day. That's next on my list and you just sparked me to add to my TO-DO LIST for tomorrow.

Need to become a bit more familiar with their schedules. My mom is complaining that all the people are in wheel chairs and walkers and she's very, very mobile. Amazingly great walker and would make me look bad. Unfortunately she has to be in ALF not independent due to the disease, and can't very well tell her that's the reason. Hope in next few days they start her on activities each day and get her moving. Some times sitting in room more isn't good either. Staff wanted to wait on pushing her too much as can be over bearing and confuse her more.

Blessings!

Well we bought Mom the bed today and a new TV.
The bed will be delivered at noon tomorrow.
We have a Dr appt tomorrow at 2:00 then over to the senior living home.
I really appreciate the input on not telling her ahead of time. We feel like rats but know that its best for her.
A strange timing my brother just called me and told me that Mom just fell.
He now knows that we are making the right decision.
We knew it but this really helps you KNOW it.
The thought of her just laying there until morning (by the way She's OK)is awful
Again this board with all the help and advise has made a terrible ordeal a lighter load.
Good night all (wine time:>
T

Believe me, she needs nursing home care. It's the right thing to do. For her. And for you and the family. Now go visit her as often as you can. Help ease the transition. --Jim

Well it's done.
Mom is actually doing much better than I thought she would at first.
She was/is furious with me.
so I can't go see her or call yet but my husband, brother and sister-in-law have been going. They're leaving tonight but it was great to have them here to help. They meant a lot to me and to my Mom
She is talking to all the residents playing and walking her 2 dogs daily.
She used to sit in her chair ALL day she's gotten more exercise in 3 days than she has in years.
She likes all the people there but isn't staying you know.
She did tell her caretaker (I'm still having her go for right now) that I hadn't called but it was 'shitty' how I got her there. We went there instead of me taking her back home.
That felt so horrible and boy was she furious.
I know that she is so much better there.
She's safe and has people to talk to.
thank-you all for your help and suggestions.
My Mom told her caretaker today that she sure didn't think that she'd end her life in this way. She says its so very strange to feel as she does and lose understanding of things.
She hates it.
Don't we all.
Anyway good eve and Thank-you all again
T

I moved my mom into a dementia unit in a NH last October. She won't let me hang any pictures on the walls since she is not intending to stay. She was rather upset that she has so many clothes in the closet.

For the first few months everyone just kept telling her that her son was on vacation when she asked when she was going home. (She lived with him before moving the the NH.)

Part of the time she thinks she is at a hotel.
Sometimes she thinks she is in a hospital and can go home when she feels better. She does not understand that the people there are nurses and aids.

No point in trying to explain anything to her. You just have to join them in their reality and fibs are necessary to keep them calm. I know it is hard to lie to your parents but you do get used to it.

For all who just have or will be moving their LOs into AL or a NH, I just did this a little over a month ago. We did not tell her, my brother took her for her normal weekend with him and instead of bringing her back here she went to the NH.

I was taking care of her 24/7 with only the weekend help from my brother for 3 months prior to placement.

In this short amount of time, I do still feel guilty and I do miss her here at home, but she is getting more exercise and does involve herself in most of the activities there. I do not regret the decision. She still cries and says she wants to come home sometimes, and I gently explain that she has so much more help there than I could give and remind her of the good things about it. I allow her to talk about her feelings, hug her and tell her everything is going to be okay.

I am so much more relaxed, I enjoy talking to her, drawing pictures for her and just looking at the flowers with her. The NH is allowing me to have good memories with her to think about and I am grateful for that.

Yesterday was not a good day.
She didn't walk her dogs in the AM her room is closed up so it has a 'doggy smell'
She said one of the help said her room was 'dirty' and smells.
Turns out her dog bared its teeth and Mom knows this is not a good thing.
Her dog is her life.
My brother left last night so she is feeling scared I think.
She still hates me and I am not her daughter but my husband can go and her caretaker.
I'm hoping soon that she will calm down.
She is a survivor and knows deep down that I'm keeping care of her.
She too says she's not staying, wishes she would just die etc..
but she is very social so I'm hoping she'll make friends and have a little bit of happiness for awhile.
Things will get better ????
T
The home is very nice and the people good and responsive to all my questions.
We'll get some plug ins and ask the staff to keep her window cracked open
Off to work!

Hi the guilt is overwhelming I will not lie..I was consumed by guilt..It has been 2 yrs as of aug. mom has been in memory Unit..Please know that you did the best thing you could do for her safety..This support group forum will help you right along on your journey..we are all at beginning,middle or end of our journeys and have very good advice for each other all the time..Your mom will get good care,eat right,take her meds,get her personal care and maintain a better quality of life for time being..Sometimes we need to jsut take baby steps..You just made a life altering decision so don;t be so hard on yourself...Hugs to you and your brother...Please keep us posted on how your mom is doing...and take care of YOURSELF and do something good for yourself this week...

well, what a big club eh? Ditto to all of the above. I would just like to add that YOU need time to adjust and accept. That doesn't happen over night. You did well, your mother is safe. Is the journey over? no, there's plenty more to come but you've just crossed a huge milestone. Be kind to yourself. Pretty soon you'll be able to enjoy 'quality' time. I wouldn't rule out med. adjustments either if the paranoia gets worse....
Take care -

Big mistake
I called my Mom to see how she was doing
She hates me, disowned me can't believe that I could rip her out of her home. She forgot that she wanted to move because she was getting worse.
What kind of monster would do that to their mom?
Her words
I know that I did the right thing but to those of you doing this soon depending on the independence and personality of your loved one I suggest giving it not only time but space.
I just wanted her to know that I was still watching over her. I'll just call the front desk for awhile
Thanks all again
T
Beth Good idea on the meds I'll ask if she doesn't calm down soon
Or maybe some for me?
LOL

My mom has been in a ALZ facility for over two months. She is still furious with me and calls everyday to demand that I come get her. She accuses me of manipulating everyone around her -- friends, doctors, the staff -- against her. It's beyond stressful for me and pushes all kinds of childhood buttons. I keep thinking she will calm down, but it's not happening. I fully expect her to rage at me for the rest of her days. On the other hand, she is perfectly pleasant to the staff, and has friends. Yikes. What a disease.

Hi Pol
Hey at least she calls you:>
This is a horrible disease and its so crazy how they can be so pleasant to everyone but the caretaker/child.
Intellectually I understand the concept of role reversal and loss of control but come on, it seems that a parent would have such a deep connection.
We were very close.
I'm stepping back and staying away. My husband will go visit and I'll call (the front desk)
I expect this to go on for months as well.
My Mom is a grudge holder and it seems deep emotional feelings THAT they remember she forgets a question that she asked in 30 seconds can't remember faces or names but THIS she'll remember.
Anyway she's safe and sound.
Has a beautiful room and for now her 2 dogs.
Hope that you all are doing OK in your journeys and thanks for helping me with mine.
T

Funny, TL, my mom holds grudges, too! Hasn't spoken to her sister for 65 years. That's why I know this anger is here to stay. But, you're right -- she's safe and in a happy, caring environment.

Love this meessage board.

Hi
I thought that I would give you guys an update.
The most incredible thing has happened (for how long I don't know, but I'll take it:>
After only 2 weeks my Mom who disowned me hated me for deceiving her and taking her to the ALF instead of to her house and on and on said to me when I called her that she needed some money and that she had no make-up or nice clothes to go to the dining room for dinner WHAT!
So I went over gave her some money offered to take her to Target get a few tops (she had plenty) and some make-up (which she had)
She said yes!
She actually got in the car and we went shopping.
She can't really make choices but I helped.I then stayed a few hours and visited.
This was so amazing.
I have gone to visit 2 more times.
I get to be the daughter not the dreadful 'caretaker'
I'm still on 'thin ice' but I'm so happy for the moment day by day but Wow you just never know.
Thank-you for all the support and advice.
It means a lot when all this gets so over whelming.
TL

TL,

Glad you had a good visit. We need to be thankful for the good things, however seldom they may come.

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