I saw the other post titled "Dear Dad" and instead of posting on that for my Mom, I decided to start one for Mom's.

My problem, however, deals with the things I WISH I had said to her before this disease stole her mind -- good things, AND bad things. I had a lot to say, but never really let her know the issues I had with her and never had the guts to tell her. Now, she is still here physically but not mentally, so I can't bring up issues because she won't remember the incidents anyway. I can only tell her I love her, and hope she knows it deep down in her heart.

So, I guess my "Dear Mom" should be something like this:

I wish - that you were still here - in mind and not just body. I wish - that you had loved us enough NOT to push us away. I wish - I had told you a thousand more times that I LOVE YOU. I wish - that you knew how much your family really DOES want the best for you. I wish - you didn't choose one person over the rest of your family. I wish - you could have been free to be yourself more before you lost yourself inside your own head. I wish - I had been a better daughter, after you stopped being my mother. I wish - I could hear you sing again. I wish - the world could have heard you sing in your prime. I wish - this disease would just go away.

I could go on for hours....

Anyone else have an "I wish" list?

Gail

Gail,

This is such a healthy thing to do! You are so right to do it. Getting things out of your head and heart and on "paper" are good ways to help you through grief, guilt and stress.

Part of my "I wish list" for my Mom...

I wish I had spent more time with you earlier when I suspected AD, but couldn't acknowledge it.

I wish you weren't so good at "faking it." It hasn't helped to get your diagnosis.

Sometimes I wish you hadn't been a nurse. It is so hard to tell you things. You think you know everything about medicine and medical care, you don't.

I wish you weren't almost deaf- it makes it so much harder to communicate.

But- I'm glad:

I'm glad you loved me. I've loved you too.

I'm glad you were a nurse. You made a difference in so many people's lives.

I'm glad I've had you as long as I have and I'm glad you haven't left me completely.

Lydia,
thank you - I almost deleted the post because no one had responded to it and I started to think it sounded spiteful or hateful, which it was not intended to be. You hit the nail on the head - it WAS therapeutic! There are still thousands of things I would like to say to her but will never get to.

I hate this disease....

Gail

Dear Gail and Lydia,
My mom has AD and I am 2500 miles away from her. I moved away 4 years ago and prior to that had not lived more that 3o min. away. She could carry on a phone conversation with me 2 months ago and now can't complete 1 sentance. So much that I wish for right now...where to begin?!
Mom, I wish...
I can be there with you to see your smiles and feel your hugs.
I wish dad loved you and wanted to help care for you. I wish I can take you away.
I wish that you would have stood up to him and showed him how strong you really were...something I always saw in you.
I wish you would have protected me more from him instead of always trying to keep the peace...even though I know why you did it.
I wish I can find the strength to help you, even thought I'm not with you. To stand up to dad and get you the care you need.
I wish your life was happier, that you were spoiled more and laughed a lot more.
I wish that I can see you again while you still remember me. I'm doing all I can to come and be with you.
Thanks you for loving me unconditionally and always telling me how much you love me. I am a better mom because of you.

Momma,
I wish I didn't I live 2500 miles away from you so I could come and see you and hold you every day.
I wish you didn't have this horrible illness.
I wish daddy was still here to hold your hand.
I wish you were happy in your mind and not so mean and nasty all the time to the people who are trying to help you.
I wish you could walk away from that place like you want to do, but you can't.
I wish all your grandchildren would visit you, but you made them afraid of you with your nasty comments and they don't understand your illness.
I wish so many things for you my dear sweet mother.
I wish you love and understanding and all God's love.
Thank you for loving me like a mother should. I will treasure that love for all my live long days. I love you so much.

Dear Judy,
It sounds like we have alot in common. I am also 2500 miles from my mom. It's very frustrating that I can't be there with her. She still lives at home with my dad. He is in denial and won't get her any help. I have 2 brothers and they don't insist on getting her any help. I don't know the last time she bathed, but I do know that she can't do it herself. This is a terrible disease that affects the entire family, but being in denial doesn't make it go away. She talks about death often. I remind her of her faith and tell her that God is not ready for her yet, that he still has a plan for her here on earth.
I wish you peace and pray that we all do the best we can for our loved ones...no matter how far away we are.

Delila

Delila, my Mom talks about being dead all the time too...I think in her more lucid moments when she realizes what has happened to her mind she knows she doesn't want to live like this. Those lucid moments are becoming less and less frequent, too.

Yesterday was her birthday, and my brother and I went to see her together. It was a nice visit.
My heart breaks for those of you who are too far away to visit....

Gail

Dear All of You,
I have never written to one of these before. I saw the Mom list and thought of one I started a couple weeks ago. I live 1000 miles away and my sister and father take care of my mom. But it's really my sister. My mom is pretty far gone now, very challenging behavior, mostly gibberish coming out of her mouth, and has lots of physical problems as well. Are your mothers at home or in a facility of some sort? Ours is still at home and we are divided on the nursing home. It's killing us to watch my sister provide care and get so beaten down, but she won't give up. If your mothers are outside the home, can you give us some advice on your struggles to make that decision and how you feel now?
Thank you so much.
Leslie

Leslie,
It took my family a long time (overdue) to put my mother in an Assisted Living Facility. What the final straw was that she was leaving the house (or trying to) at odd hours, in the winter, by herself. My Dad couldn't get any sleep so he was really having a difficult time dealing with it all. She is SAFE where she lives now, and that's all that matters to us. We didn't want her to become a news headline - "Alzheimer's patient dies in snowbank" and for us to feel horrible that we didn't ACT. Plus, my Dad can visit anytime he wants but gets to leave when she starts "acting up". You have to care for the caregiver as much as the patient, and it sounds like your sister needs to be cared for, not just your Mom. Good luck, it's not easy, and welcome to this forum. It is a godsend.

Gail