My dad has alzheimer's. I haven't seen him for about 3 years. He lives in Washington and I live in Kansas. He doesn't travel my way and I can't afford to fly to see him. Nonetheless, I'm taking my older son (10 years) and myself up to Washington by plane in late September. He is in late stage 3 / early stage 4. He divorced my mom over 20 years ago and married his new wife - they've been together 20+ years. She is his caregiver and will be until the end. I've made my peace with my dad. I love him. I have accepted him for who he is (pre-alzheimer's) and that he made a conscious decision not to play a big part in my two son's lives. Visits in the last 10 years have been few and far between. So now I'm in this emotional yucky place - part of me doesn't want to fly up there and see him - just let him fade away, knowing he is well cared for and that he knows I love him. And another part of me feels I should go to see him regardless of expense - to say goodbye. I can't afford to go more than just this once. And I guess at some point my visit wouldn't register with him if I wait. Eventually I will have to go for a funeral. God this is all so awful. I have a very full and wonderful life and I know he is proud of me and happy for me. So I'm not going to prove anything to him, show him anything he doesn't already know. Just to say goodbye. And that sucks. I'm scared. Really really scared. So much so that I don't want to go. My older brother and niece will also be going so I won't be alone. Yet I feel so very alone today! I'm sad and scared. In some ways it would be easier if he lived here and I could see him diminish - not just speculate when I talk to him on the phone and he repeats what he just said a minute before, or gets confused when I talk about something his grandsons are doing that involves using kid language which he doesn't understand. Is it a mistake to take my son? I want him to meet his grandpa before he goes, but I don't want to confuse everyone. I'm so anxious and confused myself. I don't have to deal with this everyday - most of my days are too full of normal parent and work stuff so I don't think about him. But I do love him and I want to do what is right. His wife said our coming would mean so much to him. I just don't have the courage at times to do it. I'm so scared to see him. Can anyone help me with these twists and turns of emotions. I'm really at a loss. I don't know what to do.

Thank you.

If it were me, I would go and see him, whatever the outcome. If it would mean a lot to him, that's a bonus! It is scary, not knowing what to expect, not being able to know what his, or your son's, reactions will be. Or yours, for that matter.

But don't anticipate the worst. Try to just accept it as it is, meaning the situation, the reactions, whatever.

I've often said it is better to go see your loved one, no matter how difficult the situation, than to suffer regrets later from not going. That's a paindul and personal lesson I learned over 40 years ago!

Even though you may not be able to see him again, have you thought of sending him a card with a note, every week or two? Even though you can't see him, he will have something to look at to know that you care.

Thank you! Your advice is very helpful. No one in dad's family except my brother, his wife and I know about dad's condition. It makes finding people to talk to about it tough. My husband is very understanding, but it's not the same as talking to someone who has been through it, or is going through it with their parent of loved one. It would mean the world to him if I go.

I would have been sending cards or letters all along, but I have been worried they would just confuse and upset him. Like taking photos out when I visit... I don't know if that is good or not. He is a VERY stoic person, and not into mushy stuff like me. He has intentionally pulled away from all his family - I think in part to protect them, but also to leave his life less complicated. He has pulled away from me, my husband and my sons because in his world we are doing well for ourselves, have made a good life for ourselves and he doesn't want to interfere. The same with my brother and his family. We try to tell him we want him to be a part of our current lives, but he still keeps his distance. I guess that's what makes going to see him hard on another level - the mixed messages he sends about wanting not to be a burden, but his wife saying it would mean so much.

Anyway, it has been so very helpful to have someone to "talk" to about this who knows what this disease is all about. I'm just learning and I don't like what I learn. It's awful! I will summon all my courage and make the plane reservations to go see him.

Thank you - I'll keep you posted.