I am a 30+ year old who's grandmother was diagnosed with AD about 6 or so months ago, even though she's about 1 1/2 years along with it. My mother is her "caregiver". Most days I feel so alone and out of place, I am so close to them both, I end up in the middle of a lot. You can go online and find a ton of info for help to a caregiver. How they may feel, how to deal with the anger, the best way to deal with situations. They have tons of info for the person with the disease too, how to deal, what to expect, how to "cope". Then there is "us". We get to watch the caregivers and alzheimer's patient fight, get totally frustrated, and we get to hear from both thier sides of the "argument", and then there is all the crying. How do we cope, who is there to support us, where can we go for help? I've looked online and found nothing. When I asked the association if they could help, the told me to come here. Not what I was hoping for, but hopefully there are more people out there in my situation. If anyone has found any good sites or info that has helped them, please share.
Thanks

I think we are all in this together, Sally. Doesn't make any difference if we are the direct care-giver, or on the sidelines, so to speak. We just try to help each other. We try to make each other's load a little bit lighter. A little bit easier. --Jim

The caregiver forum is a good place to start. We are all trying to cope with the disease, and it gives you an insight into what the caregiver goes through, also, you may want to take a look into the forum for people who have Alzheimer's and again, see things from their point of view. I can imagine it is difficult to be in the middle, but I think the best you can do is to understand what each one is going through, your grandmother and your mother and offer help and assistance where you can. I do understand that sometimes talking with people who are not going through the same experiences just may not get it or understand. You may be having difficulty talking to your friends about it, because they are not dealing with it themselves. My daughter is 26 years old and I know it bothers her a lot to hear me talk about my challenges with taking care of my dad. I had to realize this, and pull back some on discussing things with her. I think she's afraid for me, thinking I'm going to get sick from the stress and worry of caring for my dad. She has offered to stay with my dad when I've been sick with a cold, but I realize, too, that I can't lean on her too much because she is young and she does have her life to live and I don't want to burden her with this. I'm thinking, too, she's thinking sometime in the future she may be in the same position I am right now and that seems scary. I understand.
You may be grieving the inevitable loss of your grandmother, and in the process you feel you are losing your mom because she is busy taking care of grandmother. I don't know if this is the case with you, but I can see it in my daughter and the things she says.

I think all that you can do is offer your mom a bright spot in her day, if can you help her with something, do it, if you can get her to go out to lunch with you for a little break do it. With your grandmother, if you can spend a little time with her, do it. You may not be able to spend a lot of time, but even the small things can mean so much to a person.

Again, the Caregiver Forum is a great place to get out feelings and concerns. You would be very welcomed there.

Thank you both for responding.
Jim, it is times like this when a family is either brought together to help, or sometimes torn apart from the stress. My family, I think, tries to "protect" me, so to speak. I'm sure they think this is a good thing, but it really makes it worse. I do have a brother and they are more at ease at talking to him about what is going on with my gram (because he doesn't see her as much and lives farther away), but then I find this out and what they tell him in a by-the-way type of conversation, or as an afterthought. This is usually the first I've heard the "news" they've told him about my gram. It's a really tough situation and I am trying to be helpful and strong, but I guess I was just hoping I wasn't alone. I'm not sure what I'm really looking for, I'm just tired of feeling alone and the empty feeling and ache in my chest all the time.
JRB, I guess my most difficult issue is that I've been to the classes and seen what and why my grandmother is going through what she is. My husbands grandmother is in the final stages of alzheimer's (this has gone on for over 6 years). I do understand what they are going through now and why and can see if from all points of view. I do understand the caregivers point of view too as I've seen it first hand, plus I've read so much about it by now as that's all I can find. My issue is that no one can relate to me. We see the stress, we are there to try to help out when we can, to visit and give new faces to see, to give them that little cheering up they may need, but no one can really relate to what I'm going through, who is there for me when I need this cheering up. People seem to forget "me". There are no books to read or classes to go to. I will take your advice and try out the Caregiver forum, I was just hoping that this "new" site I made would attrack more like me.
As far as your daughter, I can understand how she's feeling and you hit the nail on the head with much of what you stated. The only thing that made me cringe and may do the same to your daughter is when she offers to help, don't think of yourself as being a burden. This is something she needs to be able to do to maybe "fit in" with this whole thing. She may be young, but something happening like this makes a person grow up quicker sometimes too. My mom complains to me at times, but then cuts off as she feels like she's being a burden on me and that just makes it that much worse. It's like the one thing I could do to "help", I can't even do that right type of feeling that I get from it. I know it's not true, but sometimes trying to "protect" those we love backfires and does more bad than good.
Anyway, good luck to you and your family. I will go and take a look at the Caregiver Forum to see what I find. Thanks for the suggestion.

Sally:

Thanks for your point of view, I didn't think of it that way before. My instinct is to protect my daughter. I hate to see her go through what I am, but it's not always a good thing to try to protect people, especially from life experiences. My daughter does get frustrated with me when she offers help and I say, no it's okay, I've got it. So I will be more conscious of that the next time she offers. This is my second round with Alzheimer's. My mom passed away from it almost eight years ago. My daughter was much younger then and really didn't want to be around my mom and was really giving me a hard time about the amount of time I was spending with my mom. Being older now, she understands a little better but I guess I haven't really realized that.

None of this is easy, so many emotions and feelings and the need to get it straight and resolved. I hope you find some help with this too, Sally. You obviously care very much.

Oops, one more thing I wanted to say, is thank you, you may not realize it, but you gave me some insight into how my daughter may be feeling, and I never thought about it that way and I appreciate it. Thank you for helping me see that. It's important.

Also, I have a hard time saying things sometimes face-to-face and it helps me to write stuff out. Maybe you can write your feelings down in a note to your mom and let her know how you're feeling, that you care and love her and your grandmother and you want to be able to help, and you are feeling the loss, too, and you want to be a part of your family's experience with this. Good luck to you.

JRB, you are welcome. Hopefully my situation and the insite I offered will hope you and your daughter.
Also, I have started writing in a journal, once again. I used to write the daily events, now I'm just trying to focus on my feelings and happenings with this whole situation. It seems to be working, at least the info it out there, somewhere, and not building up in me, right?
It's hard to share our feelings and emotions. We all are guarded and don't like to let others see our weak spots. Hopefully this journal will be my vent I'm needing and looking for.
Thaks for suggesting it.

Dear Sally1,
Please be open and honest with your Mom and tell her how YOU feel! I understand how you feel. I, sometimes, try to protect my daughter my holding back some things. I know this isn't the right way to handle things so I am trying to change and be more open.
Journaling is a great idea!. I journal myself and I believe it helps me a lot. Also, try a few more caregiver support groups. You may get more out of them now.

Peace and Hope,