what do I tell her when she looks at me with such pain and fear in her eyes asking what is wrong with me. I am the face she trusts and for the "now" remembers, the one she clings to. She tries so hard to pull herself together.....and yet she can't. I smile, while dying inside, and tell her sweetly..."one day at a time momma". How can I tell her what I myself cannot accept....she is at this painful stage of knowing somehow that everything is not alright...her doctor feels it isn't necessary to "remind" her of her AD diagnosis but I am the one she has always trusted......I never lied to her...I never kept truth from her. She wants me to make it all better.....and I would if I could...but I can't. I never failed her before...but now.

at the first stage of my father in laws diease,thats the way he was. he stop talking in the middle of a sentence.and confuse and scared,it must be a terrible exeperience.for us we had,we had to tell him. he understood at that time,then forgets. it is sad. keep in touch and do the best you can.

My grandmother suffered from Alzheimer's for six or seven years, and I feel your pain. When we first found out about the disease, we were in exactly the same situation as you. The only advice I can give you is to let her cope with it however she needs to. I tried to be patient with my grandmother when she stumbled over sentences, and my mom and I made sure to respect her independence as much as possible until my grandmother got to the point of acceptance that she needed help. She would go into her room and it would take an hour for her to get dressed... my mom would simply remind her that she's here if my grandma needed help, but she wouldn't assume the role of doing 'for' her. My mom didn't step in until my grandmother came to her and expressed her need for help.

I only say this because it really helped us.. and it allowed my grandmother to cope with each stage of the disease while discovering what she was still capable of doing on her own. Those little things are important... even if its just being able to put on socks and shoes, when they know that they can still do something for themselves, its very reassuring that life still belongs to them.

Your mom will be in my prayers... right next to my grandmother. I hope my experiences/stories help you.

This is by far the most difficult road I have ever had to walk, watching my mother my best friend vanish so slowly before my eyes. I do try to hold my immediate response to help her in check, allowing her to do as much for herself as she is able to, her dignity means so much to her.....and this is not a gracious disease. I am new to this ugly world of AD, she was only recently diagnosed, although I knew for sometime that something was wrong with my mother. Finding this site is a comfort, and yes sharing experiences does help, as I know others have voiced, knowing I am not so alone in my pain...that someone does understand helps.

Dear Raven's child,

My mother has expressed fear at times, that she is afraid that she is losing her mind. And she is, and it will get worse. I know that. Whenever she says things like that, I give her a hug and tell her that she will never have to worry about being abandoned or unloved. She will always be taken care of and she will always be loved. Starmaker also made me aware that I need to tell her that she will always be safe, so I have added that to what I tell her.

Am I afraid of the road we will go down together? Yes, I am terrified to watch her become someone else--someone who can't figure things out, someone who has trouble caring for herself. It scares me to pieces, but I can't show her that. I have to show her that she will be taken care of, loved and safe all the rest of her life. And she will be.

Peace...
Charlotte

Raven’s Child writes, “I never lied to her (mom)...I never kept truth from her (mom). She (mom) wants me to make it all better.....and I would if I could...but I can't.”

Raven’s Child:

Yes, you can make it better. By continuing to love mom. By consoling mom. By being an optimist. Not a pessimist. By savoring what’s left of mom. By learning how to stimulate her mind and her emotions, despite the dementia. Don’t take a defeatist attitude. My wife Jeanne has had dementia for 11 years, and counting. And we continue to have wonderful times. Together. Daily. --Jim

My Grandpa was diagnosed 6 months ago... and I know exactly how you feel. The things that he says or the way he stops and looks around and gets confused. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through, and the road won't get any easier. Sometimes I wish it were me rather then him... to see him in that much pain... to hear him talk about how he's done and he's ready to go... There's just a time when you need to except that this is the way it will be... Hang in there...

quote:

Originally posted by Leisuj57:
My Grandpa was diagnosed 6 months ago... and I know exactly how you feel. The things that he says or the way he stops and looks around and gets confused. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through, and the road won't get any easier. Sometimes I wish it were me rather then him... to see him in that much pain... to hear him talk about how he's done and he's ready to go... There's just a time when you need to except that this is the way it will be... Hang in there...

Jessica:

Don’t write off your grandpa just yet. It’s not the end of the world. Or the end of his life. He can still have some good times. Savor those times. With him. You can help grandpa through this. By being positive. And upbeat. And kind. And consoling. And loving. And understanding. And caring. Life has its ups and downs. You can cope. Grandpa can cope. Together. Believe me, it‘s not a lost cause. Salvage something worthwhile from this experience. --Jim

Jim, I do try to see the brighter side. I do relish the sweet moments with mom. I do my best to make every day with her a good day.

Sometimes I find its as though there are two of me, the one that is her child, that wishes she had her momma back, the woman who always had wisdom and strength to share and yes the lap that I could always turn to, the one who shared my talent and I could collaborate with on the latest piece...her eye and gift were tremendous.

Then there is the adult woman mother of 4, 51year old me, who sees her mom now more like one of her own children. And that woman will do whatever it takes to see to moms comfort, safety and well being. Mine is the lap now there for her....I love her dearly, deeply and forever.
Sometimes the child in me wins and the grief hits unexpectedly only wanting one thing...her mother back.
This road is indeed the hardest I have ever traveled, and though I may stumble the weight will not crush me> I cherish her.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: ravens child,

Some drs just don't get it.They figure the person is too old for meds to help,well that's just not so.I'm a firm believer In giving the AD meds or mood stablizers to help the person & they do work,IF the Dr will prescribe them..........Keep pushing,It's worth it.

Hi,
I just became a member on the AD board, here. I just saw and read your post, below, and can relate to your experience, at least on some level. My dad was diagnosed with AD several years ago, but my mom decided not to tell us until recently, as the signs have become more pronounced.
What amazes me: My dad is failing so much, and while he knows he is not alright, he refuses to give in and for the most part, tries to stay upbeat and happy. Like you say, you smile, while dying inside. It is so painful to watch them go through this!

quote:

Originally posted by ravens child:
what do I tell her when she looks at me with such pain and fear in her eyes asking what is wrong with me. I am the face she trusts and for the "now" remembers, the one she clings to. She tries so hard to pull herself together.....and yet she can't. I smile, while dying inside, and tell her sweetly..."one day at a time momma". How can I tell her what I myself cannot accept....she is at this painful stage of knowing somehow that everything is not alright...her doctor feels it isn't necessary to "remind" her of her AD diagnosis but I am the one she has always trusted......I never lied to her...I never kept truth from her. She wants me to make it all better.....and I would if I could...but I can't. I never failed her before...but now.

Painful, yes. Certainly not one of us would ever have chosen this road, nor could any of us ever have imagined what our lives would one day be like dealing with this thief of loved ones that AD is.
One huge lesson that I am learning in all of this, each and every day is precious and not to be wasted. Memories are to be cherished, the making of memories cherished as well.

I am facing the same situation with my mom---she is 81, and I am 62. I feel as you do, and try to make everything "better". She lives on an island, and wants to stay independent, but I'm not sure how long that will be. I so dread the day my brother and I must explain to her that she must leave her beloved Vashon Island and move closer to us. Fortunately, her personality change has been for the better: when I was growing up, nothing I did was ever "good enough", and she had a very critical eye. In the past four years, since the dementia began, she has become the sweetest, most caring mom I could ever have wanted. So, for the time being, I will enjoy what is probably a very brief upside of this horrible disease. And do whatever I can to help her.

quote:

Originally posted by r day:
at the first stage of my father in laws diease,thats the way he was. he stop talking in the middle of a sentence.and confuse and scared,it must be a terrible exeperience.for us we had,we had to tell him. he understood at that time,then forgets. it is sad. keep in touch and do the best you can.

halito--as i was going through my old mail,i came upon this comment i made years back.. we have been through all the experiences now,he is in the rest home now,we went as far with him as we could.we had many happy times,we give him the best few last yr that we could even with lots of tears and venting . we celebrated his 90th birthday the other day,the dr give him 6 months 2 yrs ago so they never know either,, god bless us all, joe and are rested now and we take the 35 miles trip to see him quite often,he doesn,t know us but he still has that great smile.