Oh gee,
I really need your all's input. For those who don't know my situation - my mother has dementia (very progessed now) and is in a dementia unit. My father has been seeing someone since last fall.

We had it out - big time - in November over this. I didn't even stay with him over Christmas. I opted for a hotel b/c I was angry and did not want to risk running into this lady friend (she lives down the street).

Things have quieted down. It's a "don't ask, don't tell" thing. I told him - you're going to do whatever you want but I don't want it in my face. So life has gone on from there. The lady friend is never brought up.

Here's my question. I have bought a ticket and asked for time off in May. Almost a whole week.

It's easy to stay at the house - Dad lives just a mile from Mom's facility (no hotels in town and I don't know anyone in the town). But, I don't want to see, hear of, get even the faintest whiff of his "friend." But if I were a guest in his house, it seems like it would be rude to impose a rule - or ask for certain guidelines.

My other options would be either costly or inconvenient (hotel or staying with other family in other towns).

Do you think it's rude if I asked to visit but then said "Don't want to see or even have an inkling of your friend." ? Or do you think it's an ok request given the circumstances?

This lady lives down the street. He can see her any time. I visit maybe 3-4 times a year.

I just don't know what to do. I think, if someone visited me and set down ground rules for what I could/couldn't do in my own house, I'd be ticked off. On the other hand, I want nothing to do with this relationship of his. My mom is still alive and I am not happy about it at all.

Help! What do you think I should do?

I have read your dilema & sympathized with you greatly regarding this horrible ordeal.
I also understand your 'proper' thinking of the matter in being a guest in someone's home... however - BIG, HUGE difference with this situation!! I believe if during your visit that he wanted to sneak off & see 'her' down the street, then by all means! BUT he should have enough respect for his daughter, who exists thru himself AND this poor woman laying in that D unit, to have 'her' lay low & out of your site during this tough time. I strongly believe in "Honoring your father & mother" as the Bible requires us to do... so if you can come up with a kind requestful manner in which you state how you would like the visit to go, then your dad may surprise you.
I hope & pray the best for you and HATE that you have to go thru this!!

Dear FC,
I would hope and probably feel that your Dad would have the sensitivity for your feelings not to allow any instrusion in to this week you will be having with him and visiting your dear Mother.

You are his daughter dear FC, and I am sure that in his heart he knows how you feel about the situation and will probably keep his relationship on hold while you are there.

Difficult for you to deal with I know my dear, and I hope this week with him will bring you back together a little and please give your Mom a gentle hug from me - she has a warm place in my heart.

Dear FC,

How awful - and ichy for you.
My two cents, ask him. Forget etiquette at this point. Just be honest and straight forward and tell him what you told us. Of course, say it in a non-accusatory, unemotional way - if possible. Now's not the time to go into marraige vows, propritaty and all that. You need to see your Mom and staying in his home is the sensible and convient.

For 1 week, and for the love of you, I hope he understands how awkward this is for you and does it.
I hope I hope.
Take care
Eileen

Thank you all so much. This is the feedback I seem to be getting all around so now I just have to get the courage to talk to him about it and figure out what to say. And how to say it for the best outcome.

One possible good thing is that I am visiting during the week and leave on a Saturday. So, he'll be working. It won't be like we'll be sitting there w/each other for 4 solid days. Maybe that will help.

He can call his friend from work, I guess, if he's just dying to talk to her (gag).

At least my urges to walk up to her door and bless her out have passed. ;-) I think Dad knows (hopefully) that if he should ever force that situation on me, it won't be pleasant. He pretty much thinks I'm horrible for not being "more supportive of his situation." Somehow, I've come out to be the ogre in this deal.

Ironic, I think!

Hi Fortune Cookie, Why not just ask him to read this post? It might be easier than a conversation and it eloquently describes the conflict you feel over the situation.

You could never be an orge, your feelings are important, as are family ties, and I'm sure your dad would try to honor your wishes for such a short time.

I do hope you have a good visit.

Maybe you could be more supportive of his situation. I don't know if he's been a lifetime faithful husband, but I do know that children, even adult children, are too often unable to understand what a parent needs and is going thru when their mate is no longer there. Yes, you are right, physically she is still there, and she's your Mom, but the emotions, the comfort he had from her are gone. If he is getting some comfort as he goes thru this profound loss, if the neighbor is not a gold-digger, if he has not abandoned his wife, then is this such a horrible thing. Yes, I know all the religious and moral admonitions, but trust me on this--many elderly people (not all) still crave the closeness and comfort of someone in our lives. The understanding that you often get from other people your own age that our children have yet to experience--and whatever else is between them--is no small gift.

To answer you Betty, yes, for me it is a horrible thing. I feel like each day the family I have is coming more and more unraveled. Dad has replaced Mom. Am I next? After all, this woman has a daughter who has a child. He's always wanted grandchildren. It's one of his biggest "disappointments" in me. I don't feel like a daughter. I feel like the stepdaughter. Mom and I are the old regime. The woman and her daughter and grandchild - I guess they offer him everything that Mom and I don't or can't - and they've taken our place.

Didn't think you could just trade your family in for a new one when things don't work out as you had planned. I was wrong. Apparently it's pretty easy.

And I didn't know "in sickness and health" had an "out" clause.

Maybe I should be more supportive. Maybe I ought to. But I just can't. Not when my Mom is in a nursing home dying from dementia. I grieve for her and what's happening to her. I grieve losing her.

And I think it's unreasonable to expect a child to welcome a girlfriend into your life when your wife is still alive.

I've said my peace with him. And dropped it with him. If you knew me, you'd know that is generous! He's going to do what he wants. All I ask is that he respect MY feelings and not shove it down my throat or put me in an uncomfortable situation. I fly in 3 or 4 times a year so I don't think it's asking him to make a huge sacrifice.

Further, I think it's horrible that he would even think of putting his girlfriend before his daughter. I'm his family. His flesh and blood.

I'm terribly hurt and upset about it. He knows that. Whether he agrees with me or not aside, I just want him to respect my feelings. After all, it's not just his house. It's my mother's house, too. This woman has no claim to it and as far as I'm concerned, she has no right to step foot inside it while I'm there.

And she ought to have a little respect for me as well and not even enterain the idea of becoming part of my life. It's my life. I decide who's in and who's out. And trust me, she's not in nor do I wish to have her in.

When did people become so absolutely desperate? What's wrong with some good old-fashioned independent living? Hobbies, work, friends? Why do people HAVE to have a significant other for goodness sake?

Mind you, this woman lives down the street. Did she ever come visit when Mom was still at home? Did she offer to help then? Uh, nope! But when there's something in it for her - mom's husband - surprise! There she is, casserole in hand.

And no, she's not a gold digger - she has her own money.

I just think it's disrespectful to my mother. They're off out to eat, etc. Wow, wouldn't it be nice if Mom could enjoy those things. But everyone is more than happy to write Mom off. She might as well be dead - that's how everyone treats her.

All that being said, my anger is not directed at you. These are things I've said to myself over and over again when I've been upset. You're right. I don't understand his situation. How can I? At the same time, does he understand my situation?

I'm human Betty. I hurt just like everyone else. And while it might be the "right" thing to jump onboard with this deal, I just can't wrap my heart around it. I think it would hurt Mom to know this was going on. That if she knew this is what he'd do 40+ years ago, she might not have even married him.

My mom is the finest woman I know. Bar none. I've never known such a good person. I wish I was more like her - but I'm Dad made-over. When I think how she lived her life, I believe she deserves the utmost respect. She was just uncommon in her words and actions, Betty. Uncommon. And I see Dad's relationship as disrespectful to a woman none of us deserved to have in our lives. We were just blessed. And we still are. So for me, I want her to continue to be treated like the gift she is.

My heart swells with love for her. There's just no room in it for another woman.

All of our families suffer, I understand that. You are entitled to your feelings, and I think it is not unreasonable if you ask your Dad to spend his time w/you & Mom while you are there. You are also going thru what our children went thru losing their Father. None of it was easy for any of us.

For our dear fortune cookie that 'lives, breaths & feels' every heart renching moment that goes along living beside a loved one with this HORRIBLE disease... I (along w/others), am SO glad that you had your say about that comment regarding your father!

I am an adult married woman of almost 20 yrs to a husband a great deal older than me and would 'NEVER' think of going against my vows just because "I felt lonely" or "didn't get what I truly deserve as a human being/wife" if the same thing happened. UGH! Believe me, we have had deep conversations about this too. Guess I can truly thank my parents who didn't always love one another the way the story books say, etc - but survived enough to give me a TRUE example of what love is!! Thank God, they are still helping one another thru this terrible task, (both) ill or not.

My goodness... if I (or their other children) failed short of 'giving our parents the love that they truly deserve' after ALL that they have given us from child birth on (for selfish reasons) - then SHAME ON US!

So I'm happy to hear that you are 1 along side your Mommy to continue fighting the fine fight of this battle that is true & deep rooted in your heart & soul. Don't let anyone tell you different & confuse your morals that were raised within you.

As a great poet once wrote: “I carry your heart… I carry it in my heart.” Continue to do so! I do this daily.

Best wishes for this visit.
S

Dear Betty,
I thought about this a lot last night. Again, my anger is not at you. I'm very out-of-sorts about the whole situation. I read your bio and I'm very glad your here because I believe we can learn much from you. If you felt personally attacked I apologize. I'm just a mess about the whole thing.

------

Dear bbgirl,
The thing is, at my support group (long before this ever came into my life) our leader said she saw no harm in someone having a companion. And at the time, I thought that made sense. You know, from an objective point of view. We had one member whose husband had early onset and he lived for 25 years! OMG! But when it happened to me, whoa - it brought about emotions I didn't know I had!

I can say this - I do feel torn. My father seems much happier these days. He's even much nicer to me. (Yes, I hate admitting that, bleh!) Truly, I don't want him to be miserable.

At the same time, it feels so disrespectful to my mom. And I think, "Can't you just hang out with your guy friends?"

Main thing is I don't want to be exposed to it. If he'd like a friend, then whatever. But I don't want any part of it.

Your children might feel the same way bbgirl. But they wouldn't want you to be miserable and unhappy.

And I readily admit, I don't understand Dad's situation at all. However, he never talks to me about it either. I've tried and tried but he's never seen me as an ally. I'll always be the little girl in pigtails.

What threw me for a loop most was - when all this came about - Dad and I were getting along better, Mom was in a unit with good care (so not as many roller coaster rides with that). Things had finally hit a good plateau. Dad visiting Mom, I had a regular letter-writing routine to her. I thought we were doing good! Things had finally turned a corner. Then this.

It was like the cohesiveness of the 3 of us being a team was undone. And I felt betrayed by him. Like he's walking away from me and Mom.

Guess the bottom line is - I love him and do want him to be happy. But what's good for his life isn't necessarily good for mine.

In his defense, he hasn't tried to force the lady friend on me (in fact he didn't tell me about her - I figured it out and confronted him in November). I just want to make sure he keeps it that way. However, when staying at the house, I've been worried that my stipulations are rude (hence this thread).

I'm weird beyond words - mad, yet wanting to be polite. Haha. Go figure!

Glad you are trying to sort things out in your mind & in your heart on a daily basis. I know that can be a struggle. However, I still stand by my feelings as well for a way of life that we were taught & live by each day. We do this with our sick parents AND in our own married lives. This disease sucks no matter which way that it's flip'd.

I'm happy that you & your father are getting along better these days, so that's a plus. Just keep looking at the positives and this will help you make it thru each day & each visit!

I have also been in groups & spoken with counselors for A Assoc, and may not have always agreed with the way some things were being handled OR the way some family treated others, etc. I can only hope to do the VERY BEST for mine & live by what we are taught in the Bible when it's our turn in life as children to take care of our aging & sickly parents.

Again, I wish you the best.
S

Dear bb girl,

You're a good egg. I admire you for trying to do what's best. I think that's what brings anyone here - a desire to do the right thing. And you're right - no way around this disease - it stinks!!!

Three years ago, I had no idea that my mom's illness would have such a wide-ranging impact. But it has really challenged my relationship with Dad.

On a positive note to all, I got the courage up and called Dad. I put it as "I'd like to stay at the house but don't want to be put in any uncomfortable situations." (Don't you love how we dance around things?) He was extremely nice and assured me that would not be the case and I'm always welcome there.

Whew!

On another note - Dad seems fine, Mom seems fine, perhaps I should stop worrying about the whole thing!

And I like the "don't ask, don't tell" thing. Works for me!

I've been around AD much too long to take any of this personally, so I did not feel attacked by you. AD affects the behavior of the entire family, not just the patient. I saw my own children (and g'children) lose their father, I understand the profound loss in their lives and how their world was torn apart. I assume your dad took care of your mom until he no longer could and had to place her. If so, he deserves appreciation--not everyone does that. For years you watch the one you love disappear before your eyes, it's impossible--it changes you. We were married 53 years when my husband died, always faithful to each other, so I learned a thing or two about it. People are all different--no matter who sets the rules. I know a man who visits his wife all day, every day at the care facility. As much as I love my husband (still do after he's gone) I could not do that, but Henry can do nothing else. I just think your Dad has been thru hell. I think it is good to ask him to not have the neighbor over while you are there and I suspect he will comply. Even tho we all have had the same experience w/AD, we all come to it with different experience, react differently, it's the way we are different from each other, thankfully. I never quite understand some of the things children write about caring for a parent since I cared for my husband, and while I had a good childhood, I think it would be impossible to care for my Mom--tried it once when she had a broken arm and she drove me crazy--but I could take care of my Dad. In the normal course of events, we all lose our parents, but for your own sake, I think losing your mom and your life style is costing you dearly--it costs all of us. But it's no one's fault and I hope you can let some of your anger at the situation go. You don't want to lose the good relationship you can have with your dad, you love each other, problems and all, draw together. Please hold tight to that.

Dear Betty,
That's the thing I appreciate most about Musings. Is that I can rant and spout and let that anger out. It's therapeutic. Being able to talk openly about it here helps me process it.

I appreciate your input from your experience. It's the benefit of hindsight for me.

Dad and I, like most, have a whole history of issues. Haha. We're both to blame. It was those issues that brought me to the board. But we'll get through it. We always do.

And I have the people here on the board and my Alz Assoc support group to thank. They sustained me when I had no one else to talk to about these things.

Dear FC, glad your little discussion with your Dad produced the answer you were looking for, now enjoy the time with your dear Mom as I know she will be so looking forward to your visit.

And try not to worry too much my dear.

Dear Mum,

If you are worried about anything and want a break, just let me know. I'll worry enough for both of us, hahahahaha! That's me! ;-)

Thank you... I'm looking forward to it! My class will be done and my visit will be shortly after Dad's birthday and Mother's Day so I'll have an opportunity to do some post-celebrating with them.

Also, by then, I should know if any slots have opened in the nursing program I applied for (I'm on the waiting list - didn't make the top 40, did make the top 50). So maybe I'll be looking for a place to live too. ? Oh wait, that'll be something else to worry about.

Just a thought to hold in the back of your mind dear FC.

Fortune cookie

good evening..

may I share my feelings on this issue..call your dad..tell him you love him..and in the same breath..tell him you need to share from your heart to his..

let him know..you do not feel comfortable..with is friend at this x..and..out of respect.. you would appreciate so much if he understands..your feelings..on this issue..

share how much.. you look so forward to x..with mom and dad.. you need to come visit..relax and be at peace..and focus on family x..

then be a good listener..

we cannot..control others..only ourselves in this thing called life..and with that being said..know you love your dad..and he loves you..

I feel communication is the answer..and your dad will..hear your words..always share your feelings with those you love.

we cannot make choices for our parents..and so we must lower our expectations..because..love..is not based on them..we only have one mom and dad..

Fortune cookie..carewife expressed on one of her posts..so well..we have to accept others..as they are..if that makes sense..I hope you can find her post and read her words carefully..I loved what she said..and how she said it..

we cannot always understand..someones else's life choices..but we know.. what we feel inside..and your feelings are important..trust and believe..your dad knows his little girl and does not want to hurt you..talk to him..love Rosie

Dear Rosie,
Thank you for your kind, gentle words. I talked to Dad and all went very well. He assured me I would not be put into any uncomfortable situations. He was very, very nice on the phone.

Feeling better about all things in general and seeing a good opportunity to tell him how I feel, I wrote him an e-mail this week just to say how much I appreciate everything he does to oversee Mom's care. He probably doesn't hear it enough.

Think he understands (after the big row in November) that this is a situation I'm just not ready to embrace. For a variety of reasons.

Thankfully all has calmed down and gotten back to normal - if there is anything normal about having one half of your family in a nursing home. But such as it is, I suppose we can try to make the best of it.

Thank you to you and everyone for your input and encouragement. It has helped me so much!