I guess I’ve learned to accept life. Pretty much as it comes. To accept what can't be changed. And try to change what can be changed -- for the better. Like when dear, sweet Jeanne died just over a year ago. I lamented. I anguished. But I couldn’t bring Jeanne back to life. And when Jeanne was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. That was devastating. For both of us. More so for me, maybe. Because by that time, Jeanne didn’t really fully understand the significance of it all. Jeanne was still Jeanne. Only less cognitively aware. Maybe that was a blessing. Because that made it easier for me to comfort and console Jeanne. Jeanne didn’t know any better. She was still able to enjoy the moment. The now. The present. I learned to recognize that as a blessing. And then the fact that I was still healthy. Mentally. And physically. I was younger than Jeanne. And in a position to retire early. So I was able to care for Jeanne. Once I got my head together. Once I learned to accept fate. I was still in a position to love Jeanne. To put my love to a test. I wasn’t ready to write off Jeanne. Thank god. Hey, I discovered I had deep love for Jeanne. And that the love deepened under this stressful situation. And the stress eased, and all but disappeared, because I learned to accept what I couldn’t change. I had no cure for Alzheimer’s. But I was able to adjust my attitude. To become positive. To arrange my priorities. So that Jeanne came first and foremost. And I experimented. With measures that might make life easier for Jeanne as she declined. In the last three years with Jeanne, I don’t think I became angry or lost my temper. Even once. Certainly not in the presence of Jeanne. I always tried to exude good vibes. I got Jeanne out for fresh air daily. I hand fed her lunch and supper daily. I gave Jeanne a nightly shower and body massage. I whispered sweet nothings to Jeanne daily. I reminded Jeanne that I loved her. Yes, daily. Often, numerous times. I had Jeanne smiling. Feeling safe and secure. Yes, I created to the best of my ability an environment over which I had some control. I still do that today. I still talk to Jeanne’s spirit. In fact, a whole lot of spirits. Even my dad. Who committed suicide almost 60 years ago. And I tell the spirits, hey, I’m in love. With life. I accept life totally. Even aspects of life over which I have no or very little control. But one thing I can control – my attitude. –Jim

Jim help me out I wish I could think like you and not take things so personally.How can I keep from being upset when mom says things that hurt?

Try to count all the nice things mom said to you and about you over the years, Mara. So many, many, I am sure. Focus on those. That's the real mom. Those are the memories that will last forever. The years of your mom's struggle with Alzheimer's will sort of fade out of your memory eventually. Remember, you've had a good mom. A very good mom. Don't hold it against mom for dying of Alzheimer's. She didn't wish that to happen. Now's the time when she most needs your sensitivity and love. Don't be upset. Just be grateful that you've had mom around for so long. A mom that raised you. A loving daughter. Tell mom every day that you still love her, and always will. And after mom dies, keep telling mom's spirit the same thing. That you'll always love her. Unconditionally. --Jim

Thank u Jim

Jim, I'm struggling with my step mom's kids who don't call and live out of the area. They know that it's getting close to the time when she will have to go into assisted living but still no calls or ? Do I write them, email etc. that the decision has been made to move her or do we just take care of mom and let them come to us?

Thanks for any advise.

Stepkid:

Life boils down to what you can control. Maybe you can influence your step mom's kids. And get them involved. Just by contacting them. Explaining the situation. Encourage them to get involved in mom's life before it's too late. And just imagine how much of a positive effect it could have on mom and the kids and everyone. But if that doesn't happen despite your best efforts -- well, then you have to make the best of it. By treating mom with love. Your love. That's where you are in control. I happen to have two step children, a son and a daughter. And I try to treat them just as if they were my own biological children. I had a step dad, too. And I was closer to him than my own biological father. Anyway, stepkid, it sounds to me like you are very close to your step mom. I think that's wonderful. --Jim