Dear Mom
"Onward Christian Soldiers marching as to war ... "

it's the first song I can remember singing ... and you watched me sing it. In the front yard ... in Southern California. I was still in my pre school years.

A whole group of people, me sitting on Mike's lap, so I had to be under 5, were gathered on the beach and we were singing "Kumbyah My Lord" in the firelight.
You were signing it ... I may have been the only 4 year old that knew what Kumbyah meant ... because you signed ... Come by here, My Lord, Come by here. Come by Here, my Lord, come by here. Come by here , My Lord, come by here, Oh Lord, come by here.

Someone's crying Lord ...come by here .... the passion ... the love for your Savior and for your hurting brother's and sisters in Christ ... apparent to me even then. To see you sign the word "Lord" ... was like watching you hug something precious ... that was going to be taken from you for a long time. You were so gentle when you'd sign that word ... the Sacredness of our Savior could be felt when you'd sign the word 'Lord'.

I was less than 5 Mom ...and I understood, that singing songs on a beach, by a fire ... was more than something people did. I understood that it was something that we did because we loved God.

There were so many instances ... in the Mountains of Yosemite ... Easter Sunrise Services at the foot of Half Dome ...

The day Grandma Lola died ...
The day my cousin Jimmy died ...
The day the lady from our church was murdered ...

You made sure that worshipping Jesus was what we did first ... turning to God ... you taught me the Psalms ... and you taught me memorization of scripture ... write those words on my heart that I might not sin against God ... to know the paths of God that he would light my ways ...

You taught me to praise ... It was all so very precious ... and I learned so very much about praise from you. But ... I think, more than all of my life combined ... the day that taught me ...the proved to me the most ..that it was a part of you ...that it WAS who you are ... was the day Daddy died ... your beloved ... the man who had obviously meant the world to you ... had not been able to see past his depression and took his own life ...and when the night became late ...and friends and family left ... and it was just you, and Debbie, and I ... and one friend ... you put on a tape ... a tape of praise and worship music.

Debbie went to her room ..and you and I and LeeAnn sat in the living room all night long and silently listened to the Maranatha Singers sing us worship songs ...filling our spirits with psalms and praises ...reminding us the presence of God was with us on the worst night of our lives.

At a time when you could have turned your back on God and shook your fist in his face ...you turned to him and sang his praises ...and you will never ever understand how much that taught me ...or what that did for my lost 14 year old soul.

No matter what happened in our lives ... you kept the praise music going ...the worship music singing ..and you signed ...always ...my whole life ... you've signed ...those hands saying the words as well as your voice ... I've taken it for granted ... I've been embarrrassed ... I've been proud and I've laughed and I've rolled my eyes ... but regardless of my reaction ... you've signed ... for well over the 42 years of my lifetime ...you've signed to worship services in church, at church camps, at concerts ...any chance you've been given you've danced your hands in praise to God.

A year and a half ago, you had your knee replaced and you got very sick and were hallucinating ... and you were signing in your sleep ... Our God is an Awesome God he reigns from heaven above with wisdom power and love our God is an awesome God!

I was so glad it was I that was with you!! I had the privilege of knowing exactly what those dancing hands were saying ... someone else, they'd just have been movements of hallucinations ... but to me ... I knew... while you were out of your mind ... you were literally still in the mind of God!

But now ... I'm watching your mind slowly go ... and I'm seeing who you are change ...and your gentle nature become harsh ...and your sweetness become bitter ... and as you forget things that no one forgets .. it's scary for me because ... my two biggest fears have been ...

If you have alzhiemers ...will you forget my step father who loved you so.

Will you forget your Heavenly Father who you loved so?

I've turned around and watched you during church in the last few weeks ..and your dancing hands barely move ... and when they do, they often don't sign the right signs... they are still ... and it scares me ... for my 42 years you've signed to every song I've ever sang in church ..and now ... you're just kind of moving your fingers ...or not even trying.
You've chosen to not go to a praise and worship small group ...just your cup of tea ... something a year ago you'd have been excited about.

Oh mom! please mom ... don't loose your love of praising God

You can forget who I am ... I'll see you in heaven!
You can forget my children ...they will see you in heaven!
But please God ... please Please! Let her always remember her love for you ...and her love of praising you ... don't let her loose that ..not for one single minute ... it is who she is!

your heartfelt words brought tears to my eyes, and I am sure your dear Mom will never lose her love of praising God.

Love your Blog....your story about Mom is so close to my Mom's......she used to sing out of the hymnal, now only stands there, sometimes I cry uncontrolably that I should excuse myself from the service......You are not alone. None of us in this forum are alone........Blessings

ZOEY M