okay i'm new to this. i have just found out that my mom has alzheimers and this is the worst thing that I have had to deal with. I do not know what stage she is in, but I know that she is thinking that we in the past. She talks about my grandchild that was born last year and about my grandfather that passed on 38 years ago as if it was yesterday. She talks about her father as if he is still alive. She looks at me as if she is looking through me and not at me. She tries to talk and nothing comes out. She stares as if she can look through the ceiling and looking towards the heavens. She does not want to eat and she thinks that she is at home. I try to feed her and she tells me that she is not hungry right now. In reality, she is in the nursing home. And I can't stop the tears. No matter how hard I try not to cry, the tears just come. I bury my face in a towel at home to keep my husband from hearing me cry and all I really want to do is scream out. My heart is broken into a million pieces and I have no idea how to mend it. I have taken care of her for many many years and now I feel like I have failed her in some way. Today I took her a stuffed dog (she loves dogs) and she held him as she slept. I am reading to her everyday and right now we are reading "Marley and me." She thinks that it is funny. She tells me that she is ready to go out to dinner and that everyone needs to get ready to go and meet us. And I don't know what to do. What do I do? What do I say? These are the few things that I know at this moment....Mom, I love you with all my heart and soul. You are my hero, my best friend and the wind beneath my wings. You are the person that encouraged me to finish college even tho I was 32 at the time that I decided to go back and finish. You are my biggest fan and cheerleader. You are the one person that has always told me..."no one can tell you how to feel, how to love, and what you have learned over the years. That no one can take anything that you have in heart or mind away from you." But Mom, I see that this awful disease that you have can take your mind. But I know that in my heart, nothing can take the memories that you have of your children, your grandchildren and your great grandchildren from you, not even this because somewhere in the back of your mind we will be there, somewhere. Or I pray that it doesn't. I know that there is a God above and I pray that angels surround you and keep you safe from harm. Mama, I love you and I will always love you. You are my best friend and thank God above for everyday that I have with you and for all the memories that I carry in my heart of me and you. I am so thankful for the vacation that we took to the Great Smoky Mountains. Remember the water falls...I do and I want to let you know that is the best vacation that I have been on since I was child when we all were in the mountains together. I love you and I will see you tomorrow.

I understand every feeling you are having.You can do this,I know.I did.God bless and comfort you.Here's a BIG HUG!! Shirlee

You do exactly what you are doing now, Rainbowheart. You muse. It's another way of expressing your love. You love. More and more. You love. You love. You love. You never stop loving. And ultimately that brings you joy and happiness. And a feeling of fulfillment. The sadness dissipates. Because you capture the spirit of love. Unconditional love. Pure love. --Jim